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You find a condom wrapper under the bed and he confesses that it's his ...


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I was visiting a guy for a few days, someone I met a couple months before. He was on a business trip and invited me to come see him. He seemed genuinely excited that I was coming. I arrived and we were having the absolute best time and it was going really well. Three days in, I'm cleaning up and find a condom wrapper under the bed. My first thought is "the damn maid did a lousy job, ew" ,second thought "It's a damn good thing he didn't find it first, he'd wonder if I was up to no good while he was at work", third thought, that it WAS his.... Nah, can't be.

So I asked him and he said it was. Full confession.

My problem is that he knew I was coming and repeatedly told me that he was looking forward to it. He actually pursued this woman, wined and dined her and then invited her to his apartment 4 days before I arrived...and he met her through work.

Another thing, he did tell me that he was a 'free bird'. I get that mean that you don't want commitments but does it also give you the right to behave anyway you want?

 

I left the next day. Was it the right thing to do?

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We'll, you two have only seen each other a few times.

He was honest, though at this point he didnt really owe you an explanation. But he gets points for for being transparent.

And by saying he's a free bird it's also pretty clear he's not looking for a relationship.

So yes, it's ok you left but seeing he didn't commit any offense, I hope you left the date gracefully and not out of protest.

If his intentions were important to you you should have considered asking first and not after a 72 hour date. (Assuming you had sex w him)

Either way, he's not the guy for you, so I wouldn't give it a second thought.

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People have the "right" to behave in any way they choose, subtracting the law. This is how he chooses to behave, as it sounds like he made abundantly clear before you discovered the condom wrapper. Would have been nice had he cleaned up, of course, but it really wouldn't have changed what this whole thing was, or who he presented himself as, so much as it would have made you feel more secure in fluttering around with a free bird.

 

Maybe you're looking for something from dating and romance that free bird types aren't interested in? Maybe you needed these few days to discover that?

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Leaving was the only right thing you did. The wrong things? Giving your body to someone before a discussion of what each of your dating goals are to make sure they match, because obviously you would've chosen not to visit him nor have sex with him if you'd know he multi-dated. Another mistake? He didn't have to make any effort on a date and you had to go to him. I don't know where each of you live and what you've done together since meeting (and I don't know if you mean by meeting that it was only online), but you should be seeing what efforts a man makes to really gauge his interest and intent.

 

He didn't ask you to be exclusive, so it's on you that you didn't ask how he dates. When I dated and it got to the point that it was leading to sex, I always ask what a guy's normal dating style was like, and if it didn't match mine, as much as I liked him, I'd stop dating him so I'd be free to find a better match.

 

Learn from your mistakes so you can date more wisely in the future. I made mistakes myself, so I'm giving you the advice I wished I'd learned far sooner.

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Yes you did the right thing to leave but if you are angry, I disagree with that. You barely know this guy, he made it clear he was a free bird and what did you expect? Were you hoping for a real relationship? If so, then he's the wrong guy for you. You need to be more selective and cautious and dont just jump into bed with guys you barely know.

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He was honest with you that he is a "free bird", which = no commitments, no relationship, no exclusivity, etc. He has done no wrong, IMO. You two are just not compatible. I'm just not sure why you wouldn't take him at his word when he said that he is a free bird.

 

If you don't want to sleep with guys who are still sleeping around with other women, then don't sleep with guys who say that they are free birds.

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I'm getting the sense that you're not sure if you offended him by leaving the next day. If you felt so uncomfortable that it meant vacating or needing to be alone, that's okay. I don't think he meant to offend you and I don't think you appeared offensive either. Don't think too far ahead or worry about it.

 

You may be feeling a bit sad and disappointed that the visit turned out like this. That's completely okay. I have to mention that your thoughts when you found the wrapper are exceedingly generous. There's a lot of shock and surprise for you which is jolting and hurtful. I think we've all had a few rude awakenings while dating.

 

Your plans might have been a bit crimped from all this but now you know what to do when you're dating and that there are lots of people out there. Some are just not what you may think or may not have the same MO as you. Brush it off and move forwards.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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I was visiting a guy for a few days, someone I met a couple months before. He was on a business trip and invited me to come see him. He seemed genuinely excited that I was coming. I arrived and we were having the absolute best time and it was going really well. Three days in,

- You met him a cpl months earlier. So, dont know him at all.

He invited you to go see him, cause he is into you & know he will get lucky.

 

So you found a wrapper under his bed.. No, you're not 'exclusive', so leave it be.

 

He needs a lot more time getting to know you - in order to figure out IF you mean enough to him for him to not want to see other women.

 

Another thing, he did tell me that he was a 'free bird'. I get that mean that you don't want commitments but does it also give you the right to behave anyway you want?

- Yup.

He doesn't owe you anything. You guys are not exclusive.

 

Besides, how I see this.. is he at a distance? Since you met up as he was on a business trip?

I feel IF he calls on you again- it will most probably be just for the physical aspects, so tread carefully.

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Unfortunately he warned you that you are in no way exclusive. If you don't want that, don't meetup or hookup with "free birds". Get STD texting if you sleep with promiscuous people.

I was visiting a guy for a few days, someone I met a couple months before.

 

My problem is that he knew I was coming and repeatedly told me that he was looking forward to it. He actually pursued this woman, wined and dined her and then invited her to his apartment 4 days before I arrived...and he met her through work.

Another thing, he did tell me that he was a 'free bird'.

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Another thing, he did tell me that he was a 'free bird'. I get that mean that you don't want commitments but does it also give you the right to behave anyway you want?

 

Well, yes, that's pretty much exactly what it means.

 

At least now you know, without a shadow of a doubt, then when he says he's a free bird he really means it.

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Thanks for your advice, you are all right that he was honest and up front and I ignored the warnings. H

 

Here's what I think: He invited me, I paid my flight and all expenses, he could AT LEAST take the time to clean up his goddamn condom wrappers. I spent good money getting there I don't think that's too much to ask. Rookie mistake and a HUGE slap in the face. I'm angry but I left with my dignity intact. As for speaking to him again...I haven't decided. He's been in touch to find out if I'm alright but I can't even talk I'm too mad. I not even able to return home yet and I have to couch surf for a week. Not a situation I like being in.

And after all that I still want to spare him the guilt trip, I left things on a good note but inside I'm raging and humiliated.

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Thanks for your advice, you are all right that he was honest and up front and I ignored the warnings. H

 

Here's what I think: He invited me, I paid my flight and all expenses, he could AT LEAST take the time to clean up his goddamn condom wrappers. I spent good money getting there I don't think that's too much to ask. Rookie mistake and a HUGE slap in the face. I'm angry but I left with my dignity intact. As for speaking to him again...I haven't decided. He's been in touch to find out if I'm alright but I can't even talk I'm too mad. I not even able to return home yet and I have to couch surf for a week. Not a situation I like being in.

And after all that I still want to spare him the guilt trip, I left things on a good note but inside I'm raging and humiliated.

 

It'll pass. Just make sure you're safe wherever you are and have a safe place to stay. I wouldn't talk to this person again, at least not while you're not safe at home and things haven't resumed or you haven't put your life back on track. Put some distance and time between yourself and what happened and give yourself more time to let the dust settle. Your thoughts will be clearer later. It's not worth it getting more upset replying to him right now and it doesn't sound like he (or this situation) makes you happy.

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Why did you want to fly out there and spend your own money to do so?

 

How many dates did you go on with this man before you decided to use your own money to visit him?

 

I'm a grown woman, I pay my own way. We met a few months ago, 3 to be exact. We spent 2 days together when we met, then 5 days at another time and then this time. He was always so sweet, kind and generous. That's why I don't get why he could be so thoughtless and disrespectful this time.

Is it normal to let someone get the bad behavior out of their system until they realize they have a keeper and they get their act together?? I'm not perfect I've made mistakes.

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Sweet, kind and generous online....that doesn't mean it's who he is. You'd need to spend time in person to get e better sense, and you have done.

 

This is who he is, a jerk who treats women however he pleases. Because if you ever mentioned the wrapper to him and how thoughtless you felt it was, I can guarantee you he wouldn't give a toss.

He would just find someone else to keep his bed warm.

 

Walk away. You've got your dignity intact like you said, now just leave it. He's not worth it and you're not going to find anything good here.

 

Oh gosh...you're really trying to get him to see that 'you're worth it' and hope he will be down on his knees realizing he's now met his soulmate? I'm sorry, but that's never going to happen.

 

How he spoke with you, he's most likely done the same with many before you. Don't let this player mess with you worse than he already has.

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I can see why you are mad but.... I think it's misplaced.

 

Paying your own way, deciding to go there, knowing he was a free bird... all your decisions.

 

You are splitting hairs over a condom wrapper. If he was doing nothing wrong, which you agree, what different does it make?

 

Just to not throw it in your face? hmmm maybe..... but why even look under the bed?

 

It wasn't an intentional slight. Maybe he is a messy guy. Were there dishes in the sink? And with company coming! the nerve!

 

I think you're just disappointed because you had something in mind for this trip & that didn't happen. that's understandable.

 

Since you left and are obviously feeling slighted, I would forget this guy. This cannot be resolved.

 

A lesson that stings for sure. Next time base choices and decisions on facts not what you hope.

 

Agree ahead of time on expenses, the nature of the trip, the nature of the relationship. Let the only surprise be maybe a nice dinner or something positive.

 

When you don't ask or clarify ahead of time you really only hurt yourself. As hard as that can be, if you're able to have sex, you should be comfortable enough to have tough conversations. If you can't, then don't sleep with them. You have to protect yourself.

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Okay fine.

But your upset isn't with anyone here trying to give you clarity and advice, it's with a man who bedded another woman not long before you and had no problem keeping his condom wrapper on the floor.

 

Why on earth you think this is going to be someone who will suddenly turn into a man worth actually dating (especially when he hasn't even asked), I don't know.

 

He has also told you he's a 'free bird', meaning he wants a fling at best, but not a girlfriend. He won't be loyal to just one woman. He's enjoying himself too much with different ones.

 

It truly does seem like you're setting yourself up thinking that this is more than just a fling, or that he has feelings for you.

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Why on earth you think this is going to be someone who will suddenly turn into a man worth actually dating (especially when he hasn't even asked), I don't know.

 

I saw that answer in your signature ... "Ignoring red flags because you want to see the good in people ..." ... And I'm not perfect either.

I also didn't say anything about dating him, I asked if leaving was the right thing to do. I could have finished off the week and then choose to never see him again.

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