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Finding a smart, conservative woman


pudgeface
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Lovely, apt quote from the awesome and now late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg who passed away yesterday as to what attracted her to her husband when they started dating in the 1950s

 

"Marty, who was just a year older, was the first boy Ginsburg dated “who cared that I had a brain,” she recalled in the 2018 CNN documentary “RBG.”

 

She also wanted -and had - children - indeed hiding her second pregnancy so she wouldn't be asked to leave a job.

 

Conservative? No. But family oriented and career oriented and driven and a lioness -yes. I'm sure she and her husband had little free time too but they found each other nevertheless.

I liked my husband on our first date because he also cared that I had a brain -one of his first questions to me was why I chose the career we shared at that time -he told me later he wanted someone who was passionate about her career. Oh and he definitely wanted a family and was happy when I said I wanted to be home longer than maternity leave and make full time parenting my job for at least a couple of years. And happy when I chose to return to my field. We both had preconceived notions about what we wanted -I think that's human - and we both continue to be flexible about what we want especially during these strange times.

 

Good luck!

 

Amazing lady! RIP RBG!

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🧺🐻 Is arranged marriage common in your country/culture? Are you avoiding that? Are you afraid of women or relationships and therefore get lost in workaholism?

 

You don't have to rummage through trash cans. You can find women everywhere. Make sure you even like women and make sure your fitness/health, grooming, clothes, manners, etc are in order. Make sure you have your own place and car. If you are glued to video games or TV 24/7, you'll need to make some adjustments.

My folks remind me gently every now and the

 

At some point knees give out, hair is thinning, and before you know it, you look like a bear who rummaged through one too many trash cans.

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Just about every single woman I know wants or wanted to get married.

 

However, most of them are not willing to be submissive to their husbands.

 

OP, are you looking for a woman who will defer to you? Not necessarily submissive but who will be content to have you to make the decisions for the marriage and the family. Or do you in fact desire a submissive woman?

 

I think I'm not so much into submissiveness. No one in my family is like that, and I wouldn't know how to handle such a woman. The women whose company I prefer are quite challenging, but not in a bad way.

 

I'd prefer she'd respect my lifestyle choices, and not try to make me change too much. For example, I'm not very social, and I avoid as much as I can social obligations. The ones at work are already too much for me.

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🧺🐻 Is arranged marriage common in your country/culture? Are you avoiding that? Are you afraid of women or relationships and therefore get lost in workaholism?

 

You don't have to rummage through trash cans. You can find women everywhere. Make sure you even like women and make sure your fitness/health, grooming, clothes, manners, etc are in order. Make sure you have your own place and car.

 

Arranged marriage was still a thing in the fifties, in my country. Now it isn't anymore, unless you go deep in the mountains. But I don't want that. My grandmothers married like that, and they were resentful until they died, though both my grandfathers loved them dearly.

 

It's funny that you mention being afraid of women. I am not afraid of most women, but I'm afraid of the ones I like. And I have a good reason. It took me almost a decade to get over one bad relationship with a good woman.

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I echo Bolt's question.

 

"I'm interested to know why you think a woman who wants family and children needs to be "conservative". Plenty of women with all sorts of lifestyles and beliefs want family and children."

 

And Holly's question:

 

"How would you have time for a wife and kids, if your time is so limited?"

 

And a bit intrigued by this "requirement" OP:

 

"not too selfish,"

 

What do YOU mean by "selfish?

 

However, you add:

 

"I'm pretty shy for someone of my age, and I know very little about women."

 

The other posters have given good advice on how to go about "looking".

 

I really like what Andrina said:

 

"You say you know very little about women. We are part of the human race just like men. We desire the same things as men. Being a priority to a partner. Being treated as special with kindness, respect, deserving of a faithful partner who cares for us when we're ill and keeps a spark of romance present during a lifetime."

 

And then you remark:

 

"Maybe I should try asking my friends, but it's the one subject I'm most uncomfortable with."

 

Why uncomfortable, OP?

 

I think I mean by "conservative" someone whose number one value is family and children. I don't mind her having a career, even a wildly successful one, but I can attest first hand that careers are way overrated. I've been working on one since I was in middle school and I fail to see the point. In fact, my most satisfying moments come from stuff I've built myself, outside of the confines of my job, career, whatever. And I'd prefer my children to be raised in a more conservative environment and appreciate the value of discipline, especially of self-discipline.

 

I don't want someone selfish. In a relationship you might need to make some compromises, or even sacrifices. Selfish people don't do that. And they throw you under the bus if it suits them better. Been there, done that.

 

About being uncomfortable discussing relationships. I'd also be uncomfortable discussing cosmology, because I know very little about it. In addition, I feel quite vulnerable talking about such things. I'm quite open about everything else, but that's my taboo.

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Arranged marriage was still a thing in the fifties, in my country. Now it isn't anymore, unless you go deep in the mountains. But I don't want that. My grandmothers married like that, and they were resentful until they died, though both my grandfathers loved them dearly.

 

It's funny that you mention being afraid of women. I am not afraid of most women, but I'm afraid of the ones I like. And I have a good reason. It took me almost a decade to get over one bad relationship with a good woman.

 

Well I guess that was an experience that left you... a little overwhelmed :/.

But you feel ready & willing now.. correct?

IF she was a good woman, why was it a bad relationship?

 

 

Is more challenging I say, to find someone compatible- especially as we get older, as many are already set in

their own ways. ( as I am sure I have mentioned already, in my other response).

 

Things take time... it may happen or not. Either way you do need to have your own Life.

One should never be so desperate to be involved over lonliness etc. And be stable enough where you are comfortable

and acceptable of a lot.

Edited by SooSad33
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Maybe not try so hard? Sounds like you are 'in search of', like it is a job :/.

 

IF someone happens along- is best if it just happens naturally- and ends up being an all around 'good vibe'.

 

I was looking at an old picture someone took of me when I graduated from the university. And I was wondering who was that gorgeous girl on my right? Then I realized that it was someone that "happened along naturally", and I didn't notice her at all. All those years I was focused on school and nothing else. On the graduation day, she insisted that she took a picture of me with my parents and her parents. I didn't notice and didn't care. She looked sad in that picture. Anyway, I don't know for sure, but I think I should have tried.

 

I'm quite worried actually, that if I don't take this search seriously, I'll pass 45 and still be single. Years go by in a flash, and if you drown yourself in work, nothing happens along naturally. It feels like just a summer since I was chasing blue butterflies for my collection. Blue butterflies are easy.

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IF she was a good woman, why was it a bad relationship?

 

 

I thought about it a lot. Everyone is bad. Or can be bad given the right circumstances. I never understood what happened between us. I made a lot of theories, each of them with its merits and flaws. All I understood was that there was a point when we started hurting each other, and I'm really good at hurting people. It turned out, so was she. She's now happily married somewhere, organizing very intellectual gatherings, sipping wine and talking about love and relationships.

 

Anyway, the past doesn't come back, except in some very fine atomic size devices, and yes, I'm willing, and I won't be readier than now.

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Try Meetup.com groups in your area for singles in your age group, although if you want biological children, you will have to date women between 5 to 10 years younger, since by the time you've known a woman your age a few years well enough to marry, a woman your age will be 42 and less likely to be able to conceive. And like other posters have said, volunteer work is great for meeting quality people. You can be a museum docent, do work at Habitat for Humanity. You could join book discussion groups.

 

Of course it's good to have standards such as matching ethics and life goals. But when you're mentioning things like being very smart and introverted, you're making your pool unnecessarily smaller. Why can't she be just average smart? You can always get an intellectual discussion fix from a friend or colleague. From what I've seen throughout my time on Earth, extroverts and introverts match a lot better than two introverts. In any case, why not see if you enjoy someone's personality versus examining them to see if they are an introvert and rejecting them if they are not?

 

You say you know very little about women. We are part of the human race just like men. We desire the same things as men. Being a priority to a partner. Being treated as special with kindness, respect, deserving of a faithful partner who cares for us when we're ill and keeps a spark of romance present during a lifetime.

 

When you do date, take a wait and see attitude, as it takes a long time to know who a person really is. Don't project to the future, speeding to get to the altar or you will scare her off. Enjoy getting to know a woman over meals, walks in the park, and time will tell if you're a match or not. Good luck.

 

I'm actually worried about this 5-10 years difference thing. I asked out women of that age a number of times, and they quickly brushed me off. Plus, the bigger the age gap, the harder to make a connection. Each generation has its unique things no one else understands. But, I did miss the boat with my generation. I don't know any woman my age around here that's single.

 

Smarts is very important for me. I'd also like her to be athletic, but that's just being picky. Being with someone smart is not only about great conversations, it's also about taking better decisions together, and raising happier and healthier children. Also, someone who is not as smart as me, might not speak up when I do something stupid, and I do stupid things all the time.

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I'm actually worried about this 5-10 years difference thing. I asked out women of that age a number of times, and they quickly brushed me off. Plus, the bigger the age gap, the harder to make a connection. Each generation has its unique things no one else understands. But, I did miss the boat with my generation. I don't know any woman my age around here that's single.

 

Smarts is very important for me. I'd also like her to be athletic, but that's just being picky. Being with someone smart is not only about great conversations, it's also about taking better decisions together, and raising happier and healthier children. Also, someone who is not as smart as me, might not speak up when I do something stupid, and I do stupid things all the time.

 

So if you are uncomfortable with an age gap (by the way -you're wrong that a five year age difference will impede understanding -it might enhance your appreciation of different points of view -thinking the same all the time sounds boring!) - then are you open to adoption, surrogacy, lots of intervention to bring a child into the world? My husband and I were so lucky -we didn't start trying until I was almost 41 and I didn't get pregnant till age 42. My only pregnancy ever. Atypical for sure.

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I was looking at an old picture someone took of me when I graduated from the university. And I was wondering who was that gorgeous girl on my right? Then I realized that it was someone that "happened along naturally", and I didn't notice her at all. All those years I was focused on school and nothing else. On the graduation day, she insisted that she took a picture of me with my parents and her parents. I didn't notice and didn't care. She looked sad in that picture. Anyway, I don't know for sure, but I think I should have tried.

 

I'm quite worried actually, that if I don't take this search seriously, I'll pass 45 and still be single. Years go by in a flash, and if you drown yourself in work, nothing happens along naturally. It feels like just a summer since I was chasing blue butterflies for my collection. Blue butterflies are easy.

 

I see... so would you agree that you are hitting your... 'midlife crisis'?

This is how it can be.. all different aspects.

 

I will be honest.. for myself, I experienced a few different men in my time.. by time I hit mid 40's, I was really hitting mental exhaustion. Expecting or yearning for something but was not what I got :/.

I had deep feelings for a man- who ended up a liar.. cheated- and i caught him.

Obviously was not 'happy'.. and sadly so many do this... They will take advantage of but never really commit- of which I find very hurtful! Never lead someone on you have no intention of going honest & real with them.

 

Another one was short lived.. was okay, I accepted.. then, again I was led on more than once from same man- again, he was not certain of what/ whom he wanted- so went back & forth.. awful experience, again :(.

I have learned a lot from this stuff.. and realized, IF I dont get involved, I wont get hurt!

We are emotional beings. I just cant take the pains anymore.

 

So, now.. a cpl years on my own and I feel much more peace this way,

 

Sounds like you are the opposite with your life. You are eagerly seeking & truly into it all.

 

Before the Covid, I would have suggested get out more- try a sport etc? I enjoyed v-ball.

At home I am doing some crafts.. and have occasional coffee with my small bubble.

 

Are you on a dating site? Give that time.. dont expect imediate results... take some time.

And do not expect things to be successful for now.. or forever :/.

 

IF it happens for you.. awesome! But, seems like so many are so in 'wanting' or 'needing', they jump in with both feet.. and fall so hard if it fails.

Also. with no open mind that it may now work out--- but is how we are I think.

Hence why I gave up- my heart cant take all of that.

 

I'm quite worried actually, that if I don't take this search seriously, I'll pass 45 and still be single.

- things can work.. they can also fail. is how it is.

I just dont get the feeling you need to 'take this so seriously'. So what- if you hit 45 and are single?

Dont but a deadline on this kind of thing.. then if it doesnt happen.. you will hurt yourself more.. right?

 

Ignore the number aspect... just be you.. keep living.. and should you meet someone nice & single out there.. then

that be nice :)

 

 

And I really think you have to accept that you may not be rearing any children.. not all do. I know a few men this age

who have no kids.

 

But, I did miss the boat with my generation. I don't know any woman my age around here that's single

- Boat? Ohh stop that. Many women around all parts.. Go join dating site & just check them all out.. and keep looking.

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Church. You'll find conservative types there, marriage minded, family oriented and not worldly.

 

What have you to offer? Do you earn a high income and can provide a very comfortable lifestyle enough to support a wife and family? How is your character? Are you a very selfless man? Would you be willing to help your wife with everything without reservations whatsoever? Will you give your wife an easy, stress free, joyous life? Are you a family man type? What can you bring to the table? No woman in their right mind wants a hard life filled with financial struggle, angst and character differences. Are you easy to get along with? Are you empathetic?

 

If you can give a lady a great life, you shouldn't have any problems attracting the wife of your dreams. They're out there as long as you can give her a sound, blissfully happy life.

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So if you are uncomfortable with an age gap (by the way -you're wrong that a five year age difference will impede understanding -it might enhance your appreciation of different points of view -thinking the same all the time sounds boring!) - then are you open to adoption, surrogacy, lots of intervention to bring a child into the world? My husband and I were so lucky -we didn't start trying until I was almost 41 and I didn't get pregnant till age 42. My only pregnancy ever. Atypical for sure.

 

I'm glad you have succeeded. I have a bunch of people in my family who started trying late and I keep my fingers crossed for them.

 

As for adoption, I don't think I'm open to that. I'd prefer my own biological children.

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Yeah, I agree with previous posters that you should consider church or other aligned faith-based dating groups.

 

That would be great, but although I come from a religious family, I'm not at all sure about churches and faith. In fact, I avoid people with unshakable beliefs. You can't speak openly with them, because they freak out on you. And if I can't speak openly to my wife, whom do I speak openly to?

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Most women are looking for a partner and not someone they have to mother. Having to be a mommy to some guy is not sexy.

 

I don't think I meant it like that. I think that I can handle myself most of the time. I don't think she'd need to pick up dirty socks after me, or carry me home drunk. But, I do need to make tough decisions from time to time, and an extra good brain would certainly help.

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I see... so would you agree that you are hitting your... 'midlife crisis'?

This is how it can be.. all different aspects.

 

I will be honest.. for myself, I experienced a few different men in my time.. by time I hit mid 40's, I was really hitting mental exhaustion. Expecting or yearning for something but was not what I got :/.

I had deep feelings for a man- who ended up a liar.. cheated- and i caught him.

Obviously was not 'happy'.. and sadly so many do this... They will take advantage of but never really commit- of which I find very hurtful! Never lead someone on you have no intention of going honest & real with them.

 

Another one was short lived.. was okay, I accepted.. then, again I was led on more than once from same man- again, he was not certain of what/ whom he wanted- so went back & forth.. awful experience, again :(.

I have learned a lot from this stuff.. and realized, IF I dont get involved, I wont get hurt!

We are emotional beings. I just cant take the pains anymore.

 

So, now.. a cpl years on my own and I feel much more peace this way,

 

Sounds like you are the opposite with your life. You are eagerly seeking & truly into it all.

 

Before the Covid, I would have suggested get out more- try a sport etc? I enjoyed v-ball.

At home I am doing some crafts.. and have occasional coffee with my small bubble.

 

Are you on a dating site? Give that time.. dont expect imediate results... take some time.

And do not expect things to be successful for now.. or forever :/.

 

IF it happens for you.. awesome! But, seems like so many are so in 'wanting' or 'needing', they jump in with both feet.. and fall so hard if it fails.

Also. with no open mind that it may now work out--- but is how we are I think.

Hence why I gave up- my heart cant take all of that.

 

I'm quite worried actually, that if I don't take this search seriously, I'll pass 45 and still be single.

- things can work.. they can also fail. is how it is.

I just dont get the feeling you need to 'take this so seriously'. So what- if you hit 45 and are single?

Dont but a deadline on this kind of thing.. then if it doesnt happen.. you will hurt yourself more.. right?

 

Ignore the number aspect... just be you.. keep living.. and should you meet someone nice & single out there.. then

that be nice :)

 

 

And I really think you have to accept that you may not be rearing any children.. not all do. I know a few men this age

who have no kids.

 

But, I did miss the boat with my generation. I don't know any woman my age around here that's single

- Boat? Ohh stop that. Many women around all parts.. Go join dating site & just check them all out.. and keep looking.

 

I agree with the mid-life crisis bit. But, it's more like I'm repeating a pattern. Ten years ago, I was even more worried I won't be finding anyone. Nothing has changed since then, except for the background. I've kept setting up deadlines, and I kept missing them. Even in my professional life, I have chosen projects that involve more politics and meeting more people so that maybe one of the many contacts I made would be my future wife. And those things are pretty far out of my comfort zone.

 

I'm sorry for your cheater experience. When I got cheated on, I was so self absorbed, I didn't even notice. Maybe it was for the better, who knows how I would have reacted.

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I haven’t read the entire thread responses , but from what I have read is that you , pudgeface, are making every excuse not to meet someone!?

You are adverse to meeting people in every way suggested by others.

You find a reason for every suggestion as to why that won’t work. Yet you haven’t tried.

 

 

And still you say you adopted work opportunities thinking that you might meet someone that way? You have tried chatting up people at work to no avail?

 

You have an unreasonable tick box about the kind of woman you want to meet but no woman will tick them all. You seem inflexible. And that is not something that will attract a woman to you!?

As long as you strive to find miss perfect , you will fail , everytime.

 

What are your interests aside from work and desperately looking for an incubator for your babies?

 

That’s where you will meet someone.

If you like cycling ( or whatever you enjoy) , join a cycling group. Not with the expectation to meet someone there , but to be invited to social activities with the group that expands your social circle.

A cycling buddy might invite you to a party 6 months later and his cousin who has no interest in cycling happens to be there and you hit it off?!?

 

You need to stop searching for miss perfect and instead increase your social circle.

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What are your interests aside from work and desperately looking for an incubator for your babies?

 

Imagine someone I asked out said that to herself after listening to me rambling about my "views", left the table, blocked my phone number and mail, and vanished into the night never to be heard of again.

 

But yes, I think you are right, about most things. It is one reason why I made this thread to have people tell me things I didn't want to hear, but needed to.

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This puts way too much pressure on you and whoever you date. Will all due respect, when someone's dating profile sounds more like a wish list for Santa Claus, they're not really ready to date.

 

You are expecting way too much from someone. Like a fantasy of this fruit-bearing uterus surrounded by beauty, brains, all the patience in the world with your eccentricities etc. And what you you bringing besides a grudge and a job?

so that maybe one of the many contacts I made would be my future wife.
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I fully endorse your entire thread Billie

 

"You are adverse to meeting people in every way suggested by others.

You find a reason for every suggestion as to why that won’t work. Yet you haven’t tried.

 

"

 

"As long as you strive to find miss perfect , you will fail , everytime."

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I'm glad you have succeeded. I have a bunch of people in my family who started trying late and I keep my fingers crossed for them.

 

As for adoption, I don't think I'm open to that. I'd prefer my own biological children.

 

Then be very clear about that if you date any woman over 35 or so. Also make sure you have enough in savings to pay for fertility treatments - for you as well - or surrogacy, etc. For me finding the right person was very often a part time job. I like that you're willing to go out of your comfort zone. i had to do the same many times over. Re: your screen name -are you overweight? Are you fit? That might be a factor in being the right person to find the right person.

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What I've actually been finding interesting is that it seems like both men and women these days really struggle to find someone and think the other gender is the issue. For example, I'm 35 (woman), I want kids and marriage. I have my own place, a job a degree and I'm attractive, except chubby I suppose. I haven't had any luck finding anyone either with the same values. Only found one person but it didn't work out. I find that most men around my age on online dating don't want anything that serious or want kids. Then I hear all these guys say they have no luck with women either. I find it a bit offensive that Viceroy commented to find these values in a woman, you have to look for non Western women. I'm in Australia and I actually do see a very large number of men with Asian women. I mean that's great, no problem. I'm just wondering are men actually looking for women who just want to be a housewife and be submissive to them? Why the need to find non Western women? What's wrong with Western women? It's true, in the west gender roles are beginning to disappear. I get the impression some men don't like that and still just want the woman to be an obedient housewife and that's all? We're not in the 1950's anymore.

 

Secondly, pudgeface, may I suggest you drop some of your high standards. If you haven't had much luck with women then you need to think about why. If you're a nice, decent looking man with a job then why are you having trouble finding women? Maybe it's because your standards are too high and the women don't measure up to these standards. I understand you're looking for someone like-minded but you have a pretty long check list and you also said "athletic". That to me sounds a bit shallow. Keep in mind also that if you want the woman to get onto having children, once she has babies she won't have time to be athletic. I mean, it's not like she can leave children alone and go to the gym all day. I think you need to be realistic about actual life versus fantasies in your head. You need to think about things that are really and truly important to you in a relationship. If kids and marriage is important then focus on that. Don't worry about athletic or super smart or whatever. The most important things are the big things, the same values and goals. Don't worry about the smaller stuff like if she's athletic or whatever. Lower your standards and I think then you'll notice there are a lot more suitable women than you think.

 

As to where you can find them. You can find women anywhere you want. Online dating, Meetup groups, classes, through friends, parties, volunteering. But you really need to get out there and get into all the social situations because the women won't just come to you.

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