Finding a smart, conservative woman

[pudgeface]

I'm a guy in my early forties. I'm pretty shy for someone of my age, and I know very little about women. I want a wife and children, but I haven't had any success meeting anyone who fits my preferences. Worse, I have much less time to search than a decade ago and I'm not as good looking as I was then.

 

She's very smart, not too selfish, a bit introverted, and conservative, in the sense that she also wants family and children. And she's not taken.

 

Where do I look for her? I tried work, I talked to all women there. I tried online dating; it sucks to be a guy there.

 

Maybe I should try asking my friends, but it's the one subject I'm most uncomfortable with.

 

Where else should I look, given my very limited time (few unscheduled hours over weekends)?

[Wiseman2]

You need to post your profile (not your wish list) and good recent pics on quality/paid dating apps. Avoid bars, avoid pestering coworkers, etc. Instead join some clubs, groups, classes, organisations etc. Also volunteer.

Where do I look for her? I tried work, I talked to all women there. I tried online dating; it sucks to be a guy there.

[Batya33]

Volunteer for organizations that would attract like minded people and be flexible as far as the child part -meaning you are in your 40s so if you meet someone a bit younger you may have to start trying to conceive sooner rather than later. I had my child when my husband and I were 42. That was risking it for sure as far as my age- and his age too -as you know men also have a form of a biological clock.

[SooSad33]

Work- Not a good place to look for a partner.. if things go bad- = VERY awkward for you's.

 

Maybe not try so hard? Sounds like you are 'in search of', like it is a job :/.

 

IF someone happens along- is best if it just happens naturally- and ends up being an all around 'good vibe'.

 

I understand you are feeling the pressures.. but you may not get 'all you are wanting'... so you need to accept this.

 

My brother did not marry until almost 40. She was not from here, but they met here & married.. it all felt right.

 

So i suggest to not make this seem like a job to be done.. but let it happen, or not.

Aim more on yourself.. keep yourself on 'good' :).

 

Sadly, should you find a woman in this age range, she is either already with kids - or never had any- out of preference.

That, you also need to accept.. as many are already 'set in their own ways'- so you cannot change.

 

And, let me add... there are many talented, conservative women out there. But, again, by this age, do expect some to be affected by their own past experiences... hence after-effects. As they are not in their 20's anymore.

 

Yup, I am being blunt, but IMO this is just how it is, lol. Reality bites, sometimes.

 

Not saying you won't find a good woman in your time.. believe you will!

 

Just keep being YOU.. keep moving along.. keep up with your friends. You never know ;)

[Andrina]

Try Meetup.com groups in your area for singles in your age group, although if you want biological children, you will have to date women between 5 to 10 years younger, since by the time you've known a woman your age a few years well enough to marry, a woman your age will be 42 and less likely to be able to conceive. And like other posters have said, volunteer work is great for meeting quality people. You can be a museum docent, do work at Habitat for Humanity. You could join book discussion groups.

 

Of course it's good to have standards such as matching ethics and life goals. But when you're mentioning things like being very smart and introverted, you're making your pool unnecessarily smaller. Why can't she be just average smart? You can always get an intellectual discussion fix from a friend or colleague. From what I've seen throughout my time on Earth, extroverts and introverts match a lot better than two introverts. In any case, why not see if you enjoy someone's personality versus examining them to see if they are an introvert and rejecting them if they are not?

 

You say you know very little about women. We are part of the human race just like men. We desire the same things as men. Being a priority to a partner. Being treated as special with kindness, respect, deserving of a faithful partner who cares for us when we're ill and keeps a spark of romance present during a lifetime.

 

When you do date, take a wait and see attitude, as it takes a long time to know who a person really is. Don't project to the future, speeding to get to the altar or you will scare her off. Enjoy getting to know a woman over meals, walks in the park, and time will tell if you're a match or not. Good luck.

[Batya33]

I meet my husband at work -great place to meet as long as you don't work together or supervise each other's work. We worked for a large company and I ended up leaving the company while we were dating (nothing to do with our dating at all - my preference -we were very discreet).

 

Intellectual and intelligence compatibility were a must for me - only partly having to do with intellectual discussions. Just a given, a dealbreaker for me, personally. I can't have certain discussions with my husband because of differing interests -so I have those with friends, or family members. Same for him - but we have compatible levels of intelligence (he is smarter) and compatible senses of humor. For me intelligence is interconnected and intertwined with intelligence. I'm far more of an extrovert -he used to be very shy, is less shy now and is an introvert. It works well that way.

[melancholy123]

Volunter somewhere, joins MeetUps in your area.

[Hollyj]

How would you have time for a wife and kids, if your time is so limited?

 

What are you seeking from the relationship?

[Rose Mosse]

(few unscheduled hours over weekends)?

 

Are you available enough to support a relationship? Being present means not just in spirit or with gestures, I mean actually physically present enough to nurture a healthy or loving relationship. It takes time to build memories.

[boltnrun]

I'm interested to know why you think a woman who wants family and children needs to be "conservative". Plenty of women with all sorts of lifestyles and beliefs want family and children.

 

Unless you mean politically conservative? In that case you could join a conservative political group to meet women who are like-minded. You can work on a political campaign, join a fund raising group, attend a conservative style church. There are many discussion groups you can join too. Even if some of them "meet" online it's a good way to get conversations going.

 

As for how much time you have available, I echo the question someone else asked; by "conservative" do you mean you want a woman who is willing to do most of the child rearing and household tasks herself while you work outside the home? Again, this doesn't require a woman who is politically conservative. Plenty of liberal and progressive women still want more "traditional" lifestyles. But again, if you desire a politically conservative woman the suggestions I made above should help to meet those women whose beliefs align with yours.

[LaHermes]

I echo Bolt's question.

 

"I'm interested to know why you think a woman who wants family and children needs to be "conservative". Plenty of women with all sorts of lifestyles and beliefs want family and children."

 

And Holly's question:

 

"How would you have time for a wife and kids, if your time is so limited?"

 

And a bit intrigued by this "requirement" OP:

 

"not too selfish,"

 

What do YOU mean by "selfish?

 

However, you add:

 

"I'm pretty shy for someone of my age, and I know very little about women."

 

The other posters have given good advice on how to go about "looking".

 

I really like what Andrina said:

 

"You say you know very little about women. We are part of the human race just like men. We desire the same things as men. Being a priority to a partner. Being treated as special with kindness, respect, deserving of a faithful partner who cares for us when we're ill and keeps a spark of romance present during a lifetime."

 

And then you remark:

 

"Maybe I should try asking my friends, but it's the one subject I'm most uncomfortable with."

 

Why uncomfortable, OP?

[Batya33]

I like the points about time to devote to a relationship and I think one of the clues here is that he also says he's had little experience with relationships - so my guess is there's a strong connection here and now that he's getting older it seems to me he wants someone who's going to embrace the traditional roles of wife/homemaker while also being smart/intellectual enough to keep up with him. Conservative bent might fit the bill more if he's looking for more of a stand-in as a spouse rather than an equal partner who he will desire to spend most of his free time with.

 

I think it's fine to want someone with traditional values -but I too would want to know why.

[Rose Mosse]

It's a needle in a haystack, really. I found one and then I put it back in the haystack. I hope there are more needles in there. This is an awful analogy. I don't even like needles.

 

You'll be all right as long as you don't rush anything. Keep a level head, enjoy the company of those you have shared interests with, be patient and things will fall into place. If they don't, so be it. You'll live your life happily ever after anyway. People do meet later in life too. Are you're feeling a lot of pressure from family or friends?

[Viceroy]

Tell me about it ! I am a guy in my late 20s, good career , good salary , single no kids etc.... haven’t had any luck either .

 

Honestly , I think it’s a culture shift and I am convinced foreign women ( non-westernized ) are the way to go . Just my .2

[Batya33]

Tell me about it ! I am a guy in my late 20s, good career , good salary , single no kids etc.... haven’t had any luck either .

 

Honestly , I think it’s a culture shift and I am convinced foreign women ( non-westernized ) are the way to go . Just my .2

 

In my experience - not sure why you have to generalize about "westernized" - a woman from another country who is on one of those sites to be matched up is less likely to have a career let alone a career where she could find work in the U.S..

[pudgeface]

Are you available enough to support a relationship? Being present means not just in spirit or with gestures, I mean actually physically present enough to nurture a healthy or loving relationship. It takes time to build memories.

 

I 'm probably not available right now. But, if I meet someone worth the try, I can make it. My last six years have been full with promotion chasing and setting things up for my married future that might never happen. When I returned to my town, everyone was telling me how easy it is to find someone. I feel pretty stupid now. Things are pretty much set up now, I could support a family of eight, but I'm not even dating. And since I'm not dating, I'm back to what I do best, work, work and more work, which is fulfilling in some way, but seems totally pointless if there is no one who matters to work for.

[pudgeface]

Tell me about it ! I am a guy in my late 20s, good career , good salary , single no kids etc.... haven’t had any luck either .

 

Honestly , I think it’s a culture shift and I am convinced foreign women ( non-westernized ) are the way to go . Just my .2

 

I'm not an American, and I live in a half-westernized place. So, I don't even have the excuse that women here are too westernized and don't want marriage.

[Hollyj]

In my experience - not sure why you have to generalize about "westernized" - a woman from another country who is on one of those sites to be matched up is less likely to have a career let alone a career where she could find work in the U.S..

 

I agree with Batya.

 

Viceroy, I find your comment off-putting. I wish to get married, and so do my friends.

[Batya33]

I'm not an American, and I live in a half-westernized place. So, I don't even have the excuse that women here are too westernized and don't want marriage.

 

Many American women want marriage. To the right person. I certainly did, and do..

[Hollyj]

I 'm probably not available right now. But, if I meet someone worth the try, I can make it. My last six years have been full with promotion chasing and setting things up for my married future that might never happen. When I returned to my town, everyone was telling me how easy it is to find someone. I feel pretty stupid now. Things are pretty much set up now, I could support a family of eight, but I'm not even dating. And since I'm not dating, I'm back to what I do best, work, work and more work, which is fulfilling in some way, but seems totally pointless if there is no one who matters to work for.

 

Please explain the traditional part?

[boltnrun]

Just about every single woman I know wants or wanted to get married.

 

However, most of them are not willing to be submissive to their husbands.

 

OP, are you looking for a woman who will defer to you? Not necessarily submissive but who will be content to have you to make the decisions for the marriage and the family. Or do you in fact desire a submissive woman?

[LaHermes]

I sort of guessed this Pudgeface:

 

"I'm not an American,"

 

Anyhow, you will have to make time if you are to get round to meeting a woman to marry, in real life in that country where you currently live and work.

 

(I am guessing you are not really in the shadowy realms of Mordor!) Kidding.

[Rose Mosse]

I 'm probably not available right now. But, if I meet someone worth the try, I can make it. My last six years have been full with promotion chasing and setting things up for my married future that might never happen. When I returned to my town, everyone was telling me how easy it is to find someone. I feel pretty stupid now. Things are pretty much set up now, I could support a family of eight, but I'm not even dating. And since I'm not dating, I'm back to what I do best, work, work and more work, which is fulfilling in some way, but seems totally pointless if there is no one who matters to work for.

 

Is it possible to rearrange your thoughts for a bit and start letting go of that pressure or previous thinking that all you've built up is not actually for anyone else but yourself?

 

The reason I ask is because I can feel the weight of all those years you've put in and this could drive away potential dates or girlfriends. People want to be seen for what they are without the added confusion of what could happen if they fulfill x, y, z.

 

I'm realizing also all of a sudden by the way why someone I met this year was so open about all his possessions and wealth. I think he was like you. I didn't feel comfortable with this because of the immense pressure and it felt distracting like he was deflecting from himself and referencing accumulated material wealth. I realize now he was probably really wanting someone to share in all that but coming across in a very distracted way.

 

Go on and meet people anyway. Hold off on any preconceived ideas or fears about the future. We can't control any of that. As long as you enjoy someone's company and both of you are decently employed or have some income and time to bond or create memories, I think you'll be fine. Leave gaps too for relationships ending or not working out. Finding someone you think is half decent is only a very small fraction of the long road ahead if you want to spend your life with that person.

[pudgeface]

It's a needle in a haystack, really. I found one and then I put it back in the haystack. I hope there are more needles in there. This is an awful analogy. I don't even like needles.

 

You'll be all right as long as you don't rush anything. Keep a level head, enjoy the company of those you have shared interests with, be patient and things will fall into place. If they don't, so be it. You'll live your life happily ever after anyway. People do meet later in life too. Are you're feeling a lot of pressure from family or friends?

 

I think I'm pressuring myself. My folks remind me gently every now and then, but I really don't need it. I know. And I don't believe in happily ever after. At some point knees give out, hair is thinning, and before you know it, you look like a bear who rummaged through one too many trash cans.

 

I know I could meet someone later in life. I know people who met someone in their sixties or even seventies. But, since I want children that are actually my own, I'm pretty worried at that age it would be too late.

[Batya33]

Lovely, apt quote from the awesome and now late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg who passed away yesterday as to what attracted her to her husband when they started dating in the 1950s

 

"Marty, who was just a year older, was the first boy Ginsburg dated “who cared that I had a brain,” she recalled in the 2018 CNN documentary “RBG.”

 

She also wanted -and had - children - indeed hiding her second pregnancy so she wouldn't be asked to leave a job.

 

Conservative? No. But family oriented and career oriented and driven and a lioness -yes. I'm sure she and her husband had little free time too but they found each other nevertheless.

I liked my husband on our first date because he also cared that I had a brain -one of his first questions to me was why I chose the career we shared at that time -he told me later he wanted someone who was passionate about her career. Oh and he definitely wanted a family and was happy when I said I wanted to be home longer than maternity leave and make full time parenting my job for at least a couple of years. And happy when I chose to return to my field. We both had preconceived notions about what we wanted -I think that's human - and we both continue to be flexible about what we want especially during these strange times.

 

Good luck!