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Not sure if I’m comfortable with this


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Talking to an ex: It just shows, she refuses to repair anything...if she did should would be talking to you to sort things out. When she was unhappy with the relaitonship, she chose to step out rather than talk things through with you...see the pattern? I doubt couples counseling is going to work because she thinks how she handles things is the way she's gonna keep doing it. She is distancing herself emotionally from you. Dude it takes two to repair a relationship...she ain't onboard.

 

Just a question...do you support her financially? Pay for a lot of things for her? like cel phone bill, car loan?

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Why do you think this ex she is talking to is talking to her? You are a guy what do you think he wants? The answer is sex.

 

You are working from a place of fear. I know that because I was once in your shoes. A wife that I had been with for 20 years, a life we had built and an 8 year old disabled child. I was afraid of losing it all. I gave her three chances which of course was 3 to many but I learned a tremendous amount about cheaters and the woman I thought I knew. It ended in divorce and I have no regrets and the best part is I didn't lose anything, I gained so much I just couldn't imagine when I was swimming in the pain, betrayal and hurt.

 

If you had cheated and in her shoes right now wouldn't you be trying and doing everything to win back trust? What is she doing other than talking to some guy she used to bang back in the day. I am sure she blamed her cheating on you because that is what cheaters do.

 

I wish I would have known then what I know now about cheaters. Trust us when we tell you that she is not acting like someone that is remorseful and shattered by what she has done to you. It will happen again so you need to stop working from a place of fear and sit her down and ask her straight out what she plans on doing to rebuild the trust she ruined. She what she says and come back here and let us know.

 

Right you need to strengthen your stance, get your self esteem where it should be, get healthy mind and body. She in turn should be entering therapy to figure out why she thought it was okay to cheat and lie. Right now it isn't your duty to help fix this, she broke it so she can fix it.

 

In the end I am afraid you will stay with her and learn the hard way just like I did. Hopefully it will not take long for you to come around to the hard truth.

 

Don't let fear make decisions for your life.

 

Lost

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That’s a real fear of mine. I love her but I don’t want to just let her walk all over me. At the same time, I don’t want to end it if there’s a chance that we can repair most of the damage and get back to a state of normality.

It feels like a constant uphill battle and I feel a bit like a .

 

 

I can sympathize with your wish, but the harsh reality is that your wish is not possible. You simply cannot go back to normal after infidelity.

 

Imagine that your relationship is a beautiful vase. Infidelity is like throwing that vase against a granite wall. It will shatter the vase into a million pieces. Sure you can try and gather them all up, you can spend years gluing them all back together, but will you ever have that beautiful vase again? No. The damage, the cracks between broken shards will forever mar its beauty, the strength it once had - it's all gone forever.

 

Unfortunately, trying to hang on to a cheater is playing doormat. One thing to understand about cheating is that it's not about you, it's not about sex (the ultimate myth about cheating), it's not about what you do or don't have in your relationship - cheating is about lies, it's about deceit, it's about her disordered personality that actually gets off on the lies and deceit, it's about her perceptions of power over you - "I'm doing something to you and you don't even know". There is no cure for this, but for walking away with extreme prejudice. Don't believe me?

 

You forgave her once and what is she doing with that? Setting up the next cheating gig right in your face. It's ye olde cheater tale of woe is me, my current relationship is in the dumps, we are having "problems", please save me, aka help me cheat. She is triangulating you and him. Make no mistake about that.

 

Please pick up what's left of your dignity and self respect and dump her cheating, lying, disordered arse. Once you get rid of her, as scary as it seems right now, I would bet good money that you'll feel like a dark cloud just lifted off your head. No more worry about who she is talking to, what she is doing when she is running late, when she is going to cheat again. These might not be conscious thoughts necessarily, but the fear, the anxiety, the tension is ever present. You cannot be with a cheater and stop looking over your shoulder and it's making your life a living hell.

 

If you aren't married, if you don't have children - you have no reason to waste another moment of your life dealing or even talking to cheater. Please don't sell yourself so short that you keep clinging on. She isn't worth that. Save yourself and save your sanity by leaving her today.

Edited by DancingFool
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