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Struggling with my emotions after a toxic relationship


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Hello,

 

The reason I'm posting is because I'm struggling to pinpoint why I'm so angry with my ex. We've been split up for 7/8 months. The break up happened about a month before the COVID 19 pandemic hit the country hard. Living in Europe so it's been pretty nasty over here. I don't know if this matters but I'd also like to add that we're both in our early 20's.

 

I've had an extreme mix of emotions due to the break up over the last few months. It's been a cycle of feeling sad, angry, numb, happy and still to this day that cycle has continued. Really they're normal emotions to have after a break up but it's been nearly 8 months. Thing is, our relationship was toxic. Even after we broke up we still argued when we occasionally spoke. If I spoke about everything bad that's happened from when we first got together up until right now, I'd be typing for days. When I say the relationship was toxic, I don't mean there was physical abuse, just emotional. We tried to calm things down and be civil afterwards but it was just a constant cycle of being nice, then being nasty and then not talking for weeks/months. It got to the point where I removed her from my social media, not just for me but for the sake of both of us. In saying all of this, there are good memories.

 

I found out that ex is seeing someone new and honestly It's been on my mind constantly. The frustrating thing is that I don't know why. The obvious answer is because your ex has moved on but I feel like it's more than that. My ex was awful to me and I didn't want to be with her. I can't pinpoint exactly why I'm annoyed and that's why I'm here. As immature as it seems I don't know if I actually miss my ex girlfriend or if I'm annoyed that she's moved on before me even after how badly she treated me. It's made me do a lot of reflecting over our relationship and honestly, I don't know if I've been lying to myself. I've been telling myself that she's toxic for months. Arguments before and after the break up I've blamed on her. I've always understood that I wasn't perfect in the relationship and maybe I could have done things differently but I never considered myself toxic or unreasonable. Thing is at this stage I'm starting to doubt myself. I'm starting to think maybe I had been toxic both before and after the break up and I've convinced myself I wasn't? Maybe this is why I'm missing her or maybe I am annoyed that she's happy? I feel like If I could understand why I have these feelings of anger and sadness I'll finally be able to move on and get over it.

 

In terms of her and her new boyfriend, I know its very unhealthy to be thinking about it a lot and comparing myself to him. It kills my self esteem. Me and this guy are the complete opposites. He's taller, muscly, sporty and has a drivers license so I'm assuming he has a stable income. Me on the other hand I'm average height, a thin build, I only occasionally work out, I don't have my licence and I've been in and out of jobs due to COVID. The thing is if this was some random guy I seen on the street I wouldn't look at him and feel like he's better than me. I feel this way because he's seeing my ex. I don't know if I'm comparing myself because I miss my ex or I just don't want her being with someone who's further on in his life than I am. I know that's extremely childish and I'm trying to stop these feelings but I can't help it. In saying that, I'm normally fairly confident in myself when it comes to my appearance and what I can add to a relationships with friends, family and a girlfriend.

 

On the topic of possibly not missing her and just being annoyed that she has moved on before me, I will say this. Today I had dinner with my sister and her boyfriend. Me and my ex would regularly spend time with them when we were together. I sat at the table, looking at an empty seat wishing my ex was sitting there with us. I felt horrible the whole time I was there and barely spoke. You could argue that maybe I just miss being in a relationship but no other person came to my mind. I've tried speaking with new girls but I've lost interest very quickly and at this point I just don't speak with anyone other than my family and friends. People are telling me to get back out there but I'm not motivated to do that which annoys me even more because she had no problem doing it.

 

I'm not going to sugar coat anything. This has been on my mind non stop. There's times when I'm busy that I don't think about it but when I'm not busy I think about it a seriously unhealthy amount. I understand there may be an underlying issue with my health and that is something I am looking into getting fixed in the form of counselling. In saying that, it's hard to afford weekly counselling sessions when I'm currently not working. That's why I'm here really. I'm just looking to see if anyone has ever been in a similar situation that could give me some advice on how to figure out what's causing my emotions to act this way.

 

To finish off, I don't know if I miss her or I'm jealous that she's moved on before me. I don't know if the emotional abuse she gave me was stemmed by the way I acted or vice versa. I'd appreciate if anyone who replies would refrain from negative comments. Please don't leave comments saying just get over it, I've been trying so hard. I just want something constructive to help me get through what's been a tough couple of months. I don't want to give too much detail into arguments during and after the relationship but if anyone is interested then feel free to private message me for details so you can give your own opinion on the matter. It would really help.

 

Quite long but if you've made it this far then thank you.

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It's been 8 months and sometimes the way to stop is to actually force yourself to stop. You already recognize that this isn't good for you, so you are already ahead on that. The hard part is the actual work of interrupting those thoughts until...they go away. It's a process, but sometimes it does take some actual willpower. For example, when you aren't busy and starting to ruminate.....the moment you realize you are doing that, stop, make yourself do or think about something else. It will be hard because you'll want to return to that thinking but you just keep interrupting it. You literally have to tell yourself - "nope not thinking about her" and then go do something else.

 

Ways to make that easier for yourself is find something else to occupy you - project to work on, hobby, learn something new, read something, watch a comedy, pretty much do anything to force yourself out of that rut because that's what it's become - stuck in a rut.

 

The other part is completely cut all contact with your ex - no talking, no looking her up on social media, no following what she is doing and with who, any friends who might know what's going on with her, ask them to never mention her to you. You have to disconnect 100%.

 

Getting past a relationship that was toxic is actually way harder than any normal break up. Emotional abuse does leave some damage that will take time and work to repair. It sounds like you very much understand that and are doing something to address it. I think once you start putting in that work, you'll be fine. Just be kind to yourself and understand that it does take time and that healing isn't linear - you'll have some good day and some bad ones. It's just that the bad days will start to become fewer and further apart until one day you are at peace. It's a process you have to ride out to the finish line.

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I was let go of my job due to the pandemic. I found another temporary job but that contract has expired so no I'm currently seeking work.

I'm currently studying for my theory test but I can't book a test until February due to the back log that the virus has caused.

To fill my time I've been going to the gym, speaking with friends and family, learning to cook and studying for my theory test.

I have days when I'm not productive. I can't do a lot of things I would normally do due to the virus.

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You can have moments of reflection. Just know when to draw yourself back in. Stay as long as you need to stay for yourself and then come back to reality shortly after and move on to a different areas (find hobbies, interests and other people who give back in more positive ways to you, are more productive in your life and feed you in healthy ways).

 

Not everyone has productive days either. I know I don't, some less productive than others. I can't say that this might work for everyone but what I generally do is give myself a rough timeline for activities and make sure there's some social involvement somewhere in there. You may be in a bit of a rut with the same routine - there's lots to learn while working around Covid restrictions. It doesn't have to cost much either.

 

I think a lot of your dissatisfaction and uneasiness comes from wanting self-improvement. People's relationships are their own. Some last and others don't. Just because he appears so spectacular on the surface doesn't mean he's a wonderful guy and it's not your business anymore to figure out what she likes or doesn't like. This person demonstrated to you that she wasn't happy. I think if we work on the premise that all individuals have a right or a say in what makes them happy or respecting this, letting go is easier. You don't have to like her or what she's done to you but you can have respect for someone else's decisions whether they're good, bad or ugly. Sooner or later more answers will come to you but I think finding peace or respecting the past and what has happened happens also somewhere in there. Those were my first steps to acceptance for loss and letting go.

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I completely agree with what you're saying Rose. I haven't specifically made peace with her for how she treated me which I think is understandable but I am trying to make peace with the situation. I understand our relationship was toxic and it's something I just need to leave in the past. Honestly I feel like if we were to get back together we'd still have the same arguments so I'm happy with moving on. Honestly I think I am just being childish that she's moving on before me and that's something I need to work on. I honestly believe I miss the person I wanted her to be and not the person she actually was.

 

In terms of working on other areas of my life, there are things I need to improve for myself alone and not for anyone else. I need to put my head down and work on those things.

 

I appreciate the advice. Very helpful.

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I've had an extreme mix of emotions due to the break up over the last few months. It's been a cycle of feeling sad, angry, numb, happy and still to this day that cycle has continued.

- This is grief and it is all okay- is our way of 'working through it'. Takes time, for sure. Whether it is 8 mos or 2 yrs.. there is no exact time to 'be over someone'... We are emotional beings. * especially if toxic effects*.

 

Good that you removed her- no reason for her to be present in any form! Makes it that much harder as well - to heal, let go etc.

 

Is normal to have those feelings when we know they have moved on... so we just have to keep 'fighting it'.. our mind is a wicked place to be, But never compare your life to anyone else's.

You know what you experienced when with her.. so try and change your perspective. Be glad it;s them now, not you, because you know what she is like.. so let THEM experience it now ;).

 

And please do NOT compare yourself to the other guy. Is fine if you two are different. No one is the same.. But she still is.. right?

 

Is good that you got this all out of you, on here :).. As this is how our mind works!

But as long as you know an keep reminding yourself.. that getting away from her, was the best for YOU.

 

Yeah, possibly that you 'kinda; miss her.. BUT deep inside you KNOW she is no good for you.

 

I've tried speaking with new girls but I've lost interest very quickly and at this point I just don't speak with anyone other than my family and friends. People are telling me to get back out there but I'm not motivated to do that which annoys me even more because she had no problem doing it.

- No noo.. do not jump at moving on again.. You know you are far from ready for that.. That is just 'rebounding' and that is totally unfair! :(.

Take some serious down time now.. to accept and heal. No rush!

Is good to do what you are doing.. hang with friends & family... is good you have that!

 

Again- do not compare yourself to HER and her life- Should she be a MESS, let her mess up- right? Is her life and her choices.. and should she mess someone else up.. Is on her!

Is somewhere you dont want to be.

 

Takes time is all.. keep working at moving ahead now. You WILL get over this experience.. and you will be okay again !

We are human.. we feel.

 

One day at a time.. keep yourself busy with other things UNTIL you are for sure.. you are doing better.

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I completely agree with what you're saying Rose. I haven't specifically made peace with her for how she treated me which I think is understandable but I am trying to make peace with the situation. I understand our relationship was toxic and it's something I just need to leave in the past. Honestly I feel like if we were to get back together we'd still have the same arguments so I'm happy with moving on. Honestly I think I am just being childish that she's moving on before me and that's something I need to work on. I honestly believe I miss the person I wanted her to be and not the person she actually was.

 

In terms of working on other areas of my life, there are things I need to improve for myself alone and not for anyone else. I need to put my head down and work on those things.

 

I appreciate the advice. Very helpful.

 

See? You ARE very aware and good on you for seeing this and acting on that.

You are NOT a bad person- was just that you two were not compatible- for reasons. And that is okay.

We are all different. Does NOT make you a bad person.

You actually sound very self aware and decent.

 

Someday, you will come upon someone out there again.. when time is right :).

 

No worries.. be YOU. Life sucks sometimes, but is how life is.. we get tossed some hard balls :/.

 

You are young... keep moving ahead, at your own speed.

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