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I blew my second chance. I’m devastated


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Ever heard the phrase: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result". - OP, in all your threads about this guy, you keep doing the same thing over and over again - even when knowing full well that he doesn't love you and doesn't want a relationship with you .... yet you keep trying and thinking and hoping things will change. They haven't changed. They will NOT change. But, you keep ignoring, ignoring and ignoring and keep going back for more hurt and pain. Over and over again.

 

You really are wasting time and money on having a therapist when you don't share everything which is relevant in your life which is causing you depression, anxiety etc etc. You have also stated that you have ignored what your therapist has said (and your friends/family and ENA etc). You are wasting their time, your time, and throwing away your money. What's the point? Serious question. You say you go to therapy for personal growth, but that doesn't seem to have worked so far either. So, instead of sharing everything of value with your therapist, to get the help you need, you leave out the most important parts and then wonder why you are always sad, lonely, miserable and a "lone wolf". All the therapy in the world will not help you if you choose to leave out half the information, and then on top of that, choose to ignore their advice, and the advice of so many many people who are genuinely trying to help you. Again, one has to ask ... what's the point? It's truly baffling.

 

Great post!!!!

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Just logging in to say that the age difference is 8 years. And I actually share all of the information with my therapist. I don’t hide anything. I don’t lie. My therapist told me that it’s not a good idea to go back to him but I did anyway because he gave me the opportunity to. I though that I could maneuver my relationship with him while going to therapy.

I have never left out any details about my relationship with him

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Just logging in to say that the age difference is 8 years. And I actually share all of the information with my therapist. I don’t hide anything. I don’t lie. My therapist told me that it’s not a good idea to go back to him but I did anyway because he gave me the opportunity to. I though that I could maneuver my relationship with him while going to therapy.

I have never left out any details about my relationship with him

 

You're grieving - all this is fine and normal. This was also the first serious relationship where you were living with a partner. He swept you off your feet and he was a real charmer. There are people like that who can charm the pants off of anyone and will say and do whatever it takes to have you attached. I remember when this romance first started you were desperately looking for a place to stay because there weren't any apartments or places that would take a dog. It was a real trial for you even though the pairing was so mismatched and dangerous. It put you at a serious disadvantage if anything were to fall through and he seemed very suspicious in the way he spoke with you or at the pace things were going. Living with your ex provided everything you needed at the time. Vent if you need to vent and grieve. It's all part of the process. You have to be willing to seek out healthier outlets soon though - maybe not now but in a few weeks from now after you've processed everything. I hope you have a safe place to stay amidst all of this. Never let someone take you down so badly that your health is at risk. When you're vulnerable (emotionally), you're also at risk of making poor decisions for your physical and mental health.

 

This person isn't for you. Keep telling yourself that even on days that you are in total disbelief. Your process now is in reconditioning. You have to recondition everything that you knew as your reality in the past few months or years. Your heart and many parts of your brain won't know or be able to catch up just yet so be patient and recondition yourself. Take your time but don't backtrack. He's not the one for you.

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We are all working from home now. But eventually I’m going to see him in office. Am I a fool for hoping that one day he’ll come around again? I see the things I could have done different...

 

It has nothing to do with, if you did this or that...it would never have made any difference. He would still treat you the same way regardless, he would still have emotional affairs, and then he would find some excuse to toss you aside.

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Just logging in to say that the age difference is 8 years. And I actually share all of the information with my therapist. I don’t hide anything. I don’t lie. My therapist told me that it’s not a good idea to go back to him but I did anyway because he gave me the opportunity to. I though that I could maneuver my relationship with him while going to therapy.

I have never left out any details about my relationship with him

 

Again, as you said on your Post- I blew my second chance.

Second.. or third..etc.

 

Sadly, so often after the first BU, damages have been done,

Often a second try will not work either- for reasons, Including whatever reasons you broke up- has anything changed? Improved? Often is a No.

 

So.. I suggest you work on accepting this will not work.. and work now on accepting.. healing.. letting go.

Dont waste your life on someone who does not appreciate you ;)..

Be Done.

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Again, as you said on your Post- I blew my second chance.

Second.. or third..etc.

 

 

He never gave it a chance, so I am not sure how she could have blown it. I suppose when we blame ourselves we fool ourselves into thinking 'if only I didn't this differently or didn't do this' and the outcome might be different.

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Ever heard the phrase: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result". - OP, in all your threads about this guy, you keep doing the same thing over and over again - even when knowing full well that he doesn't love you and doesn't want a relationship with you .... yet you keep trying and thinking and hoping things will change. They haven't changed. They will NOT change. But, you keep ignoring, ignoring and ignoring and keep going back for more hurt and pain. Over and over again.

 

You really are wasting time and money on having a therapist when you don't share everything which is relevant in your life which is causing you depression, anxiety etc etc. You have also stated that you have ignored what your therapist has said (and your friends/family and ENA etc). You are wasting their time, your time, and throwing away your money. What's the point? Serious question. You say you go to therapy for personal growth, but that doesn't seem to have worked so far either. So, instead of sharing everything of value with your therapist, to get the help you need, you leave out the most important parts and then wonder why you are always sad, lonely, miserable and a "lone wolf". All the therapy in the world will not help you if you choose to leave out half the information, and then on top of that, choose to ignore their advice, and the advice of so many many people who are genuinely trying to help you. Again, one has to ask ... what's the point? It's truly baffling.

 

I am truly sorry you are going through all this anxiety/heartbreak. But, Capricorn summed it up beautifully.

 

Some things are simply not meant to be. Apparently, you have some serious issues because you keep holding on to false hope. He is not interested in you (sorry) so please fully realise this, and move on. Baby steps at a time. It is going to take some time to heal; it won't happen overnight. I know you know this. Talk to your therapist and be totally honest with her. Give her all the pieces of the puzzle so that she can help you. Don't put yourself through all this pain. It's not worth it. Think about it. We all want certain things in life but, in some cases, it's simply not going to happen. No matter how much one wants it. End of story. You deserve better, and you owe it to yourself to focus on your well being. Let bygones be bygones.

 

Lastly, we, and we alone, are responsible for our happiness. To be happy is a conscious decision which will lead to happiness. Stop complaining, thinking or dwelling on what could have been. It serves no purpose. Try to keep a gratitude journal. If you are honest with yourself, you will will see that there are lots of things to be happy about. Concentrate on the positive. Stop portraying yourself as a victim. Instead, work on becoming a victor. But YOU have to chose to succeed. One day, I know you will look back and wonder "What was I thinking?" Hang in there, OP. You can do it, if you want.

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