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I blew my second chance. I’m devastated


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All his crimes you just listed you were complicit too. Were you entirely unaware that he had just gotten out of relationship when you entered one with him? Be honest.

 

But yet you didn't like her contact early on, he reached out to her inbetween and have now conjured up the image of them together now. But none of this is new. It doesn't mean he did anything bad to you either. You chose to stay knowing all of this, but it becomes a the thorn in your paw when you try to ignore the entire time. You did until the pain got be too much. Next time chose differently.

 

It's a low moment when the person you love doesn't return the feeling. He told you straight up and in turn you asked for another chance? Chance for what? That's one of the many moments you should have folded your cards and left. That and the moment you can actually articulate that you knew he wanted you in his bed for selfish reasons.

 

5 relationships by 28 is plenty of experience! It's actually probably more than most. Yet you use this as an excuse that you are niave and don't know any better.

You do know better. You really do. You just chose to not act on your own behalf.

You receive the love you believe you deserve. What is it about you that doesn't believe you deserve better?

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I would like to add that I have VERY bad anxiety issues. It started with being aware of my insecurity and then understanding that physical symptoms (sweaty palms, shortness of breath, fast heart rate) for simply walking to the grocery store is more than insecurity. (And I'm not talking about being out of shape!) I know you mentioned something similar that you experienced. I am not sure if you've said before if you've brought this up with your therapist, but you should. Anxiety and insecurity are different things, and they sure do mix together very well, but maybe it's time you talk more about the anxiety part.

 

I still have insecurity and anxiety issues and I am in the healthiest relationship of my life. If we were not so serious, I would maybe suggest a break between us so I can truly finish working on what's left of my issues, because you cannot love someone else if you do not love yourself properly. I don't care if that's hokey, it's true. If you struggle with accepting the love he gives you, or even opt for a mere fraction of what you deserve, you did not love that person like how you could if you respected yourself more.

 

This guy was a dud. Not in your mind, I know. But a good guy won't flirt with his ex while pursuing a new relationship. 'Nuff said. But imagine if another guy comes along, does all the right things, and still you struggle accepting his love. That's you not loving him, because you don't love yourself! Don't let that happen, please. Start taking steps to love yourself now.

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All his crimes you just listed you were complicit too. Were you entirely unaware that he had just gotten out of relationship when you entered one with him? Be honest.

 

But yet you didn't like her contact early on, he reached out to her inbetween and have now conjured up the image of them together now. But none of this is new. It doesn't mean he did anything bad to you either. You chose to stay knowing all of this, but it becomes a the thorn in your paw when you try to ignore the entire time....

 

 

He told me that he was broken up with her for 3 months and I felt insecure then. I had to find out on my own that he was actually left her and got with me right away

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I’m reading all responses. Sorry if I have t responded directly to your answers...

 

And to address someone’s comment earlier.

 

Ever heard of this saying? If you’re the smarter person on the room, you’re with the wrong people. Well I feel that way. I want to be surrounded by intellectuals to learn from them. Not because I think I’m better than other people.

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I’m reading all responses. Sorry if I have t responded directly to your answers...

 

And to address someone’s comment earlier.

 

Ever heard of this saying? If you’re the smarter person on the room, you’re with the wrong people. Well I feel that way. I want to be surrounded by intellectuals to learn from them. Not because I think I’m better than other people.

 

But what does that look like - do you assume you're going to learn from someone just because you perceive that person as intellectual? What if that person isn't someone who has the kind of social skills to interact with other people let alone teach you something? What if that person doesn't feel like interacting with you? What are you going to learn? I don't at all agree with that cliche you mentioned because there are lots of smarts in this world and you may think you're the "smartest person in the room" and chances are you're probably mistaken or have a very narrow view of "smart".

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But what does that look like - do you assume you're going to learn from someone just because you perceive that person as intellectual? What if that person isn't someone who has the kind of social skills to interact with other people let alone teach you something? What if that person doesn't feel like interacting with you? What are you going to learn? I don't at all agree with that cliche you mentioned because there are lots of smarts in this world and you may think you're the "smartest person in the room" and chances are you're probably mistaken or have a very narrow view of "smart".

 

I don’t think I’m the smartest person in the room nor have I ever claimed that. I was nervous around my ex because I viewed him to be smarter than me.. you’re looking further into this than need be. But I appreciate your feedback

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Are you feeling a little better being able to talk about all this now? You seem a lot calmer than your first post where you were hurt and very down. He's not the one for you. Don't hang onto dribs and drabs. You're worth a lot more than that.

 

Honestly I’m very hurt. I haven’t been able to eat for days. Love doesn’t fade because someone doesn’t love you back. It all stings. He loves her. I asked him while we were in our relationship if he just wanted to be friends... because if he doesn’t love me by now, he probably never will... and he told me that he wanted a relationship with me, so I stayed because that’s what I wanted. And I waited hoping that we’d grow closer and stronger our second time around

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Honestly I’m very hurt. I haven’t been able to eat for days. Love doesn’t fade because someone doesn’t love you back. It all stings. He loves her. I asked him while we were in our relationship if he just wanted to be friends... because if he doesn’t love me by now, he probably never will... and he told me that he wanted a relationship with me, so I stayed because that’s what I wanted. And I waited hoping that we’d grow closer and stronger our second time around

 

It's time to move forwards. Leave this in the past. You're right - we can't switch off feelings as if it's a light switch. It takes time to slowly recover and create new memories. When my marriage ended by the way, I couldn't immediately switch off those emotions even though I knew there was no reconciliation. I was asked to reconcile and I wouldn't do it, not given what I know now. You don't have to know what to do at every moment or every second of the way. If you're feeling overwhelmed, think a bit more critically about what needs to be dealt with that day or at that hour or in that week. Some things don't require your immediate attention so leave it. That love and care for that person continues until you're ready to let go on your own or it's replaced by newer or more poignant, updated experiences and memories in life. You're not alone in all this.

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Lady, let me ask you something...

 

Given the way you describe the difficulties you have relating to other people or getting them to be friendly and include you, and how you feel about yourself as a result, do you really think trying to force a relationship with this man who has made it clear he does not and will not love you the way you love him will make you feel better and make your issues go away?

 

You do realize this is making your issues WORSE, not better...right?

 

I used to think whenever my awful ex and I were on the outs that I just HAD to fix it, HAD to get him to accept me again and my crippling anxiety would fade. And it did...until the next time, and the next and the next. It was NEVER ENDING. It was only after the relationship was over for good that I realized what my signature line says...The cause of the pain is NEVER the cure for the pain. Once he was gone so was the fear and anxiety.

 

Please do discuss your relationship with your therapist. I presume you are hiding it from her because you know what she would say and you don't want to let go of the fingernail hold you have on that man. But you need to.

 

Quoting myself.

 

Do you think trying to force this relationship and pretending you don't know he doesn't feel the same way you do will make your issues better?

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Quoting myself.

 

Do you think trying to force this relationship and pretending you don't know he doesn't feel the same way you do will make your issues better?

 

No. I was honest with him. I asked him if he wanted this and why he brought me around a second time. He said that he saw something in our relationship and he wanted a future with me. He said that. I latched on your the possibility... I cry every day.

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What do you actually miss about this guy?

 

His company. His jokes. Him coming up behind me, grabbing my waist kissing me on the cheek while I’m cooking. I loved to hear him talk about subjects he was interested in, he was so sharp. I missed being included when his parents would visit. We’d all sit around and play cards over dinner. I miss going in grocery store trips and putting the food away together. Late night, the kid in him would come out and he’d want to roast s’mores on his kitchen stove top. I miss the little prank war we had going on for a bit there. I miss being held. I miss our nights in. I miss going down to AZ and hanging out with his family. Loving him was different... I know these are things that sounds so childish and not even important... but to be accepted by someone I adored was nice. He’d chat about philosophy and I’d give my take on it, but he was more well versed in the subject. I learned a lot from him.

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I don’t think I’m the smartest person in the room nor have I ever claimed that. I was nervous around my ex because I viewed him to be smarter than me.. you’re looking further into this than need be. But I appreciate your feedback

 

I disagreed with the cliche -wasn't referring to you in particular - you're the one who brought it up.

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I don’t think I’m the smartest person in the room nor have I ever claimed that. I was nervous around my ex because I viewed him to be smarter than me.. you’re looking further into this than need be. But I appreciate your feedback

So the take away here is, next time don't put someone on a pedestal. You lose yourself trying to get him to accept you or love you back.

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Now list the things you don't miss or that you found hurtful.......

 

I don’t miss his lack of empathy. His stonewalling or his unwillingness to allow himself to feel. I don’t miss his white lies. I don’t miss the excuses he makes for his disrespectful lady friends. I don’t miss his unwillingness to compromise. I don’t miss his concealed yet obvious feelings for his ex. I don’t miss feeling unimportant and unloved. I don’t miss being dismissed when it’s a subject he doesn’t want to talk about. He never argued with me, but he WOULD be mean. I don’t miss his nitpicking. I don’t miss trying to live up to unreal expectations

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So you already knew the reconciliation wasn't going the way you hoped. Someone who feels good about their relationship does not go out of their way to memorize phone passwords or to snoop in their partner's phone.

 

That is how your life will be if you succeed in convincing him to accept you back...phone snooping, wondering where he is and who he's communicating with, always on edge, cyber stalking his ex, watching and waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop...does that sound like it's a healthy way for someone with anxiety to live?

 

It's hurting because you haven't made any efforts to build a life of your own, so you crave being on the outskirts of his. Once you build a life of your own you'll wonder why you thought you wanted this man.

 

And again, please stop hiding this relationship from your therapist. She cannot help you if you refuse to be transparent with her.

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I don’t miss his lack of empathy. His stonewalling or his unwillingness to allow himself to feel. I don’t miss his white lies. I don’t miss the excuses he makes for his disrespectful lady friends. I don’t miss his unwillingness to compromise. I don’t miss his concealed yet obvious feelings for his ex. I don’t miss feeling unimportant and unloved. I don’t miss being dismissed when it’s a subject he doesn’t want to talk about. He never argued with me, but he WOULD be mean. I don’t miss his nitpicking. I don’t miss trying to live up to unreal expectations

 

Any one of those things would have been enough for me to be done!

 

You haven't told your therapist about the relationship?

 

What was the age difference?

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So you already knew the reconciliation wasn't going the way you hoped. Someone who feels good about their relationship does not go out of their way to memorize phone passwords or to snoop in their partner's phone.

 

That is how your life will be if you succeed in convincing him to accept you back...phone snooping, wondering where he is and who he's communicating with, always on edge, cyber stalking his ex, watching and waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop...does that sound like it's a healthy way for someone with anxiety to live?

 

It's hurting because you haven't made any efforts to build a life of your own, so you crave being on the outskirts of his. Once you build a life of your own you'll wonder why you thought you wanted this man.

 

And again, please stop hiding this relationship from your therapist. She cannot help you if you refuse to be transparent with her.

 

So that's how I see it too -it was not a second chance because without trust there is no relationship. You did not trust him.

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It's time to move forwards. Leave this in the past. You're right - we can't switch off feelings as if it's a light switch. It takes time to slowly recover and create new memories. When my marriage ended by the way, I couldn't immediately switch off those emotions even though I knew there was no reconciliation. I was asked to reconcile and I wouldn't do it, not given what I know now. You don't have to know what to do at every moment or every second of the way. If you're feeling overwhelmed, think a bit more critically about what needs to be dealt with that day or at that hour or in that week. Some things don't require your immediate attention so leave it. That love and care for that person continues until you're ready to let go on your own or it's replaced by newer or more poignant, updated experiences and memories in life. You're not alone in all this.

 

Love this.

 

Bolded that one sentence because, all in all, I think you'll find your world, and your perspective on the world, changing drastically as you/if you start carving out a world that is yours, and yours only. Harder to put another on a pedestal, really, when you like the view from where you are. You end up seeking people—platonically, romantically, and so on—who compliment that view rather than those who provide a window into some possible new you.

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Ever heard the phrase: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result". - OP, in all your threads about this guy, you keep doing the same thing over and over again - even when knowing full well that he doesn't love you and doesn't want a relationship with you .... yet you keep trying and thinking and hoping things will change. They haven't changed. They will NOT change. But, you keep ignoring, ignoring and ignoring and keep going back for more hurt and pain. Over and over again.

 

You really are wasting time and money on having a therapist when you don't share everything which is relevant in your life which is causing you depression, anxiety etc etc. You have also stated that you have ignored what your therapist has said (and your friends/family and ENA etc). You are wasting their time, your time, and throwing away your money. What's the point? Serious question. You say you go to therapy for personal growth, but that doesn't seem to have worked so far either. So, instead of sharing everything of value with your therapist, to get the help you need, you leave out the most important parts and then wonder why you are always sad, lonely, miserable and a "lone wolf". All the therapy in the world will not help you if you choose to leave out half the information, and then on top of that, choose to ignore their advice, and the advice of so many many people who are genuinely trying to help you. Again, one has to ask ... what's the point? It's truly baffling.

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