I blew my second chance. I’m devastated

[bluecastle]

He didn't do anything to you. Certainly nothing special. Introducing someone he is dating to friends and family is just normal every day stuff. Including you in his life and circle of friends again wasn't anything special or important. It only felt special to you because he offered a social life to you for free, without you having to make that effort to develop that life for yourself. I don't even think you like or love him all that much so much as you love what benefits he brought to you in terms of a ready made life you enjoy.

 

Unfortunately, as you can see, you can't just step into another person's life, friendships, everything they've built and use it indefinitely. His friends are still his friends. His friends care and text him because HE invested that effort and work into developing those connections. You are right where you've always been - alone because you didn't invest and put that work into YOUR OWN life. So now, here you are - you have to actually suck it up and do what you've been avoiding at all costs - get off your arse and actually build relationships and a life for yourself instead of trying to leach off someone else's work.

 

A lot of wisdom right here. Can imagine some of it lands with a sting, but let that sting in: think of it as a vaccine, to put it in "modern" terms, that protects the spirit from the more virulent strands.

 

My sense is that you are very, very aware of all this—that you could write most of the posts you're reading—but that where you struggle is mistaking awareness for action, for evolution. For instance, from the very beginning with him you presented yourself to him as someone wobbly, emotionally unsteady, not quite ready. That's awareness. Action and evolution would simply look like not getting into something because you know you're not ready or stable.

 

I use that example because my concern, for you, is that you look to people (men, us, therapist, whoever) to validate the state of awareness at the expense of evolution. Holly suggests broadening your social world—never easy, but always doable, no matter the state of the world—and the response is, more or less, that you can't. If Holly was a man interested in dating you, as things were with this man, a while ago? Further engagement from her ("Hey, come on a hike with me") would validate your inability to broaden your social life on your own, just as he validated your state of emotional instability by greeting it with a kiss.

 

I think this can be a really wonderful juncture in your life, the moment where you learn to harness all that awareness into evolution. Yes, some of the steps to all that will initially feel tremendously awkward and lonely, but then remind yourself what you're stepping away from: experiences with people, with romance, that have been not only awkward and lonely, but painful and corrosive.

[SooSad33]

It's not like I am not trying to do the things I like, but i keep getting burned by both people I know, and new people. When it comes to connections with men, they just want sex. That's why I really liked my ex. It felt easy, it felt natural. He was interested in me and I him. He made an effort to help me, be in my corner when needed him. He knew at one point i was shy around people. He told me that he would get me out more and that I can always lean on him. I went out more with him because I was just so upset by people that before him, I stayed in my apartment and didn't go out.

 

- Okay.. you need to work on erasing your EX out of your Life - for good.. For your own Good!

 

Your emotions are in wreck :(.. YOu just feel low.. awful.

Take it all slowly.. hang out with a select few of friends.. get some air.. how about a hobby?

 

I have learned to crochet this past year.. I hang out with only 3 good friends.. I walk my little dog :).

I do all for ME. Just me.. and my boys. It is MY Life.

I dont owe anyone anything.. on my own and I am fine :).. I have hit 50 and not struggling along with a challenging partner!

They all Lost- cause they never appreciated me.. This , I learned.

 

YOU will be okay.. in time.. work on you

[boltnrun]

Any special reason why you had to point out TWICE that the makeup artist is gay? How is that relevant?

 

I ask because you seem to have a LOT of preconceived ideas about people. No one is going to like you, people think you're weird, making friends is HARD! And that's why you are an easy target for people like that man who are looking for someone they can have around when they want company but will never have a real relationship with.

 

Trying to keep yourself attached to him will make your issues worse, not better. I can imagine your therapist has told you this.

 

Again, why bother paying a therapist, posting on here, seeking input from friends and family if you're just going to ignore all of it?

[DancingFool]

Oh get off the damsel in distress who needs to be rescued bs - you are just being lazy.

 

You have a dog going by your avatar - that right there is your ticket to socializing. Do you take your dog to parks? Dog parks, walking parks? You literally can't help but end up being befriended by others who tend to go at the same time as you. Not instant, but over time it happens. People at the dog park will chat you up whether you like it or not.

 

Stop with the excuses. Oh I tried this one thing and it didn't work. Then try again or try something else or try a different group and keep trying until you get it right. The emerging theme here is your victim mentality. If all people you come across are bad, it's not them, it's you that's the common denominator - perhaps something to address in your next therapy session. What is it about you and your perceptions and attitudes toward others that drives this repeating situation for you where other people are "always" bad or out to hurt or harm you.

[Rose Mosse]

I have gone out of my way (before covid happened, before my ex happened) to be included in things that I enjoy. I tried getting involved in an indie film because I love acting. I was in a room surrounded by people who like the same thing that I do. However, I felt uncomfortable and out of place. I come across as an oddball. One girl almost called me weird before she caught herself and said something else. The gay makeup artist did not want to do my make up and saved me for last. In fact he refused to do my face and had an inexperienced girl make me up instead.

 

I tried to go back out into networking events after a failed business venture, and the persona that I was able to keep up at first was no longer there. I felt uncomfortable and out of place.

 

A girl from the networking events who knew me when I was on top of my personal world invited me to this "million dollar mingle" party out in Arizona. We all took a road trip. Everyone was cool, but people are quick to spot the weakest in the room. I did not connect with any of the other 12 models that were there. The gay makeup artist once again did not want to do my make up (different person). He had specific orders to make us up a certain way, and he did that to all of the other girls but left the worst look for me, which was not what he was told to do. He ended up stepping over boundaries and cussing at me. All of those girls made connections that night... and I was literally feet away sitting alone. The girl from the networking events who used to respect me is no longer bothered with me.

 

It's not like I am not trying to do the things I like, but i keep getting burned by both people I know, and new people. When it comes to connections with men, they just want sex. That's why I really liked my ex. It felt easy, it felt natural. He was interested in me and I him. He made an effort to help me, be in my corner when needed him. He knew at one point i was shy around people. He told me that he would get me out more and that I can always lean on him. I went out more with him because I felt like I had someone who cared to help me. I was just so upset by people that before him, I stayed in my apartment and didn't go out. And this guy understood me, accepted me and helped

 

It feels like something is wrong with me. I bring myself... and I turn people off for some reason personally and at work. Doesn't matter where. It's not like I am bad looking. I've been told I look like a mean girl or party girl, but that's just not me.

 

People have different confidence levels. What may seem natural to someone else isn't natural to you and that is perfectly fine. The part in bold - those first two sentences say a lot. You seem to always have had some level of anxiety around people so try picking people who are less superficial, flighty, rude or unkind to you. This man was everything that is this: superficial, flighty, rude and unkind. He came across as successful and loving but it's easy for people to put on a facade. If I recall you moved quite fast in your relationship with him. This happens. It's a mistake and you can learn from it without self-destructing or beating yourself up too much.

 

I agree with the comments that we need to put in that time and effort creating our own support and social networks. A person will either love you or not love you for what you are or what you do with your life. As long as you're happy with yourself what someone else thinks - no matter how close or intimate the relationship - you should know your own worth or be able to stand on your own without that person's validation or acceptance of who you are.

 

Now that things are over, let it go. The ruminations, cyclical and negative thoughts have to go. Sadness is part of it all but be willing to truly consider this over. There's nothing that this person can offer you that you can't provide for yourself or find in some other better way, shape or form with someone else.

[ConfusedLady21]

I'm just responding to everyone at this point

 

I go to a therapist for my personal growth. Not just because I want to talk about my failed relationship. I hear my therapist. I don't lie to her because I pay her and I want to be a better person. I kept what she said in mind, but I still stayed with my ex because he gave me a way in and I did not want to to deny the man I wanted. I was weak, everything I ever shown him was week. I am embarrassed about that as well. Early in our relationship I was strong enough to tell him I wasnt ready for a relationship but he insisted which made me feel like he really wanted me, which was pleasant because i wanted him.

 

His excuse is that he actually asked to go through my phone, not behind my back like I did to him. I am pointing out that the make up artists are gay because I would like to demonstrate that I am around a variety of people and I am a miss with everyone. And I actually usually like gay men. It'd not meant to be disrespectful.. This is my overall experience with people. The people I connect with the most at work is usually upper management and older people.

[bluecastle]

Are you familiar with the idea of confirmation bias? Simple concept: we are all, in ways, hardwired to find new evidence that supports our most entrenched beliefs. Where it can become dangerous? When our most entrenched beliefs—in the world, in other people, in ourselves—are harmful to our well-being or not in line with what is real.

 

How this applies (maybe) to you? It seems your belief in yourself, and of others, is awfully low and negative. So long as that is the case, you will seek evidence to confirm that belief, no different that how a believer in God will see God in the same wind that an atheist points out to explain that there is no God. So the makeup artist will support this negative belief system. As will someone thinking you're a weirdo. As will this post, or the one above, or the one someone else is writing. As will men who reflect back to you a self-conception of being damaged and incapable of getting through a day without them.

 

Those moments all leave a mark, yes. But here's the thing I think you need to recognize: they are also providing you with what we all seek, all the time, which is a sense of comfort and certainty, a sense that our core belief system is a sound one, not a crazy one. All of which is to ask: Do you feel, maybe, that it's time to challenge your belief system? To see yourself in a different light so that, in others, and in the world, you seek evidence confirming that new light, rather than this dim one that not only doesn't serve you but probably isn't even true?

 

This can be done, as it's a thing people do every day, over and over. It's a thing you can do. It really is.

[Hollyj]

I have gone out of my way (before covid happened, before my ex happened) to be included in things that I enjoy. I tried getting involved in an indie film because I love acting. I was in a room surrounded by people who like the same thing that I do. However, I felt uncomfortable and out of place. I come across as an oddball. One girl almost called me weird before she caught herself and said something else. The gay makeup artist did not want to do my make up and saved me for last. In fact he refused to do my face and had an inexperienced girl make me up instead.

 

I tried to go back out into networking events after a failed business venture, and the persona that I was able to keep up at first was no longer there. I felt uncomfortable and out of place.

 

A girl from the networking events who knew me when I was on top of my personal world invited me to this "million dollar mingle" party out in Arizona. We all took a road trip. Everyone was cool, but people are quick to spot the weakest in the room. I did not connect with any of the other 12 models that were there. The gay makeup artist once again did not want to do my make up (different person). He had specific orders to make us up a certain way, and he did that to all of the other girls but left the worst look for me, which was not what he was told to do. He ended up stepping over boundaries and cussing at me. All of those girls made connections that night... and I was literally feet away sitting alone. The girl from the networking events who used to respect me is no longer bothered with me.

 

It's not like I am not trying to do the things I like, but i keep getting burned by both people I know, and new people. When it comes to connections with men, they just want sex. That's why I really liked my ex. It felt easy, it felt natural. He was interested in me and I him. He made an effort to help me, be in my corner when needed him. He knew at one point i was shy around people. He told me that he would get me out more and that I can always lean on him. I went out more with him because I felt like I had someone who cared to help me. I was just so upset by people that before him, I stayed in my apartment and didn't go out. And this guy understood me, accepted me and helped

 

It feels like something is wrong with me. I bring myself... and I turn people off for some reason personally and at work. Doesn't matter where. It's not like I am bad looking. I've been told I look like a mean girl or party girl, but that's just not me.

 

Why do you have to tell us that the make up artist is gay? It doesn't matter. How about the makeup artist. Gay people are not a different species. There is no reason to point it out, as they make up 10% of the population.

 

I am curious if you share your issues with with all of these people you share time with? You go round and round with us, and so I am wondering how much this comes up in conversations?

[ConfusedLady21]

Omg, I am not leaving gay people out. I don't think they are a different species. I am simply saying. Women are catty, men want sex. And the gay men that I want to be friends didn't like me either. I am just giving you the full picture.

[ConfusedLady21]

I am familiar with confirmation bias. I understand that there might be a bit of paranoia. But I SEE people ACTIVELY going out of their way to hurt me or throw me under the bus in work situations when all I have been was nice, open and understanding until they give me a reason not to be. I have been in a situation with being in training with 10+ people not once but TWICE where they have invited the entire classroom out but excluded me. This job that I am now actually did the same thing. And they all had an individual group chat so that they can arrange where they wanted to meet up without discussing it in front of people they didn't invite.

 

I can understand where you are coming from. But the evidence is just so strong... something is a miss. Anyway, I know at this point i am just complaining. I do feel low, I don't like myself. I have no friends. My sister and brother don't even include me. Haven't talked to dad, next month marks 11 years. I try to connect with my mom but getting her to go out and spend time with me is like pulling teeth. I don't have people in my corner. No one. Why is it that in my late 20s I have no one? I am kind and empathetic. I am not a gossip girl. I don't live for the drama. I don't think there is anything wrong with me until I keep going through bad waves with people and I don't know why. I appreciate you all trying to help and as always its appreciated that you all have responded... because i literally have no one else to talk to.

 

I am a lone wolf. And this break up makes me feel it all over again. Just hurts more now because I loved him more than anyone that I've been with. Idk, thanks guys. I don't want to drag this out..

[boltnrun]

You don't love him. You view him as your savior which is NOT love. It's desperation.

 

People get desperate when they can't or won't find the answers within themselves. They look to someone outside of themselves to make them feel like they're worth something. But that's problematic for so many reasons.

 

Does your therapist agree you're a hopeless case? Somehow I doubt it. Have you actually implemented some of the suggestions she or he has given you? Have you done your "homework"?

[Batya33]

I am familiar with confirmation bias. I understand that there might be a bit of paranoia. But I SEE people ACTIVELY going out of their way to hurt me or throw me under the bus in work situations when all I have been was nice, open and understanding until they give me a reason not to be. I have been in a situation with being in training with 10+ people not once but TWICE where they have invited the entire classroom out but excluded me. This job that I am now actually did the same thing. And they all had an individual group chat so that they can arrange where they wanted to meet up without discussing it in front of people they didn't invite.

 

I can understand where you are coming from. But the evidence is just so strong... something is a miss.

 

That's not strong evidence -that's a few situations where you are the common denominator. My husband is a man, he is straight, he doesn't just want sex. He didn't behave that way with me or with other women. In fact, I remember when we were on an early date and had decided to be exclusive - because we'd dated in the past so we were exclusive right away. He gave me a beautiful necklace for my birthday. I asked him to put it on me -he did. He was right up close to me. We had not yet shared our first kiss since getting back together. We did later. I asked him why he didn't kiss me when he was putting the necklace on -perfect opportunity. He said "I didn't want to take advantage of you asking me to help you -wouldn't have been the right impression." One example of how he is -all the time. Most of the men I was involved with treated me with respect. If they wanted sex - perhaps they did -we are human with human desires -they did not act on it - they chose to get to know me and we had sex when we both felt comfortable. For me this often took months. I didn't have casual sex. A few men ended things with me or acted inappropriately about sex or because I woudn't have sex when they wanted to. that's fine. I didn't generalize from those experiences about all men.

Because that's unfair to men. And because it would just cause me to feel negative and cynical. People who are negative and cynical don't put out the right vibes for a healthy relationship.

 

As far as people excluding you -happens to all of us including me. It's called life. You being "nice" doesn't mean people who like you. Perhaps consider what you do and how you act to be "nice" - consider whether you overshare or are too open which can make people uncomfortable. How do you show you are understanding? How do you contribute to group conversations? How often do you invite people out?

 

Last year two of my friends who were the same age were going through the same experience -both losing their elderly mothers, both with siblings who refused to help and even hurt them during this terrible time. They didn't know each other or live in the same city but I saw an opportunity -I connected them via Facebook messenger. Both their mothers passed -very very sad. Yesterday one of them reached out to me to thank me again for connecting her with my friend P. -how much P had helped her through this time and vice versa For me it was just about thinking of it and connecting them.

 

How often do you do small kindnesses for people? How often do you ask someone how they are doing, listen to the answer and not then talk about how you are doing? What kind of volunteer work do you do? Why are you "open" in work situations - are you open about personal stuff? If so, why? Work friendships are awesome. I met my husband at work. But you're at work to work and network perhaps and help your company's bottom line or grow a business or perform a service. If you make friends, awesome but to expect that doesn't make a lot of sense IMO.

[Hollyj]

Omg, I am not leaving gay people out. I don't think they are a different species. I am simply saying. Women are catty, men want sex. And the gay men that I want to be friends didn't like me either. I am just giving you the full picture.

 

I think that you thinking about women and men is the problem. This is about you. I do not view women as catty, nor do I think all men only want sex. I would say that i have almost as many male friends as women. You need to change your thinking.

 

If you didn't live for drama, you would not have stayed with your ex.

[Hollyj]

[U]"How often do you do small kindnesses for people? How often do you ask someone how they are doing, listen to the answer and not then talk about how you are doing? What kind of volunteer work do you do?" [/u] I think that this is a great question.

 

I don't think that you have ever commented on another poster's thread on ENA offering help, it has has always been your issues. I am thinking that this also applies to your daily life.

[ConfusedLady21]

[U]"How often do you do small kindnesses for people? How often do you ask someone how they are doing, listen to the answer and not then talk about how you are doing? What kind of volunteer work do you do?" [/u] I think that this is a great question.

 

I don't think that you have ever commented on another poster's thread on ENA offering help, it has has always been your issues. I am thinking that this also applies to your daily life.

 

I have helped people on here before and reddit

 

I've been trying to go back to volunteer helping the homeless, but theyre not accepting help anymore because of covid. I am not a bad person. I am a shy person and I stay to myself now. I know you guys don't know me. But I go out of my way to help people. I give money I don't have. I had a girlfriend who had her man leave her high and dry with kids. I bought her clothes, did her resume, paid her light bill, put diapers on her babies, helped with groceries. Drove her back and forth to interviews. I never asked for a dime back because we were girls and that's what friends do. The one moment I needed her she let me down big time. I won't go into those details. I have friends who messaged me and asked me for money. I didn't want to give the money I had because I was trying to save for myself, but I did anyway and he didn't pay me back just like imagined.

[LaHermes]

OP. Why do YOU think this is the case:

 

"I am a miss with everyone."

 

Again, it is vital you dig into these issues with the therapist.

 

You remark:

"I am a lone wolf."

 

You'd be surprised how (IRL) people are able to read that "lone wolf" vibe, perhaps unconsciously giving off a "keep your distance" .

[ConfusedLady21]

OP. Why do YOU think this is the case:

 

"I am a miss with everyone."

 

Again, it is vital you dig into these issues with the therapist.

 

You remark:

"I am a lone wolf."

 

You'd be surprised how (IRL) people are able to read that "lone wolf" vibe, perhaps unconsciously giving off a "keep your distance" .

 

 

I purposely keep my distance now. Everyone talks to one another at work and I am the quiet one because the moment I see a little turbulence I retreat in my shell like a turtle. I am nervous and really don't know what to talk about since I don't watch tv or go out as much. I go to lunch by myself. I go home and stay by myself. I don't want to be this way. I'm just extremely nervous now til the point my palms sweat and I get a lump in my throat. People automatically test me because they think I would be a popular girl. They would not think that I am as nervous as I am.

[LaHermes]

Again, Confused, this extreme anxiety and nervousness needs to be addressed with your therapist. You can't go on like this.

 

Btw one doesn't have to watch T.V. to be able to converse about a topic. In fact people don't want to hear a rundown of the latest T.V. drama-rama. Believe me.

I am sure there are topics that interest you, and remember that people conversed long before the days of T.V. L.

 

You start a conversation by asking another person about themselves. It can be as simple as "where did you get those lovely earrings". And when the other person replies: "I bought them in Sri Lanka", there's your cue to ask them about their travels. People love talking about that stuff. I only give this opening gambit as a simple example.

[bluecastle]

People automatically test me because they think I would be a popular girl.

 

How do you know this? Have multiple people explained to you, at various points, that they opted to "test" you because they perceived you as "a popular girl"?

 

I ask because—well, because I think this goes back to these assumptions, these jagged constructs you're prone to create and try to find comfort inside. Catty women. Sex-crazed men. All these people testing you because they believe you to be x, or y, or z.

 

I just don't think the world actually works that way. All in all, other people are never going to be as interested in us as we are interested in ourselves. And the further people get from our core circle, our family, our friends? Those people really don't care about us one way or another. People at work, at functions, on the street: they're just being themselves, showcasing a spectrum of humanity, from sweet to sour.

 

I'm not sure what the answer is, but I hope you can find some way to see it a bit more along those lines.

[Hollyj]

Please don’t give money to people if you are having your own financial issues. That’s nuts!

 

Confused, it sounds like your picker is off when making friends. What does your therapist say?

 

I suggest that you look into outdoor activities to meet new people .

[ConfusedLady21]

And honestly, I am inexperienced with dating and I have a ton of issues myself. I have helped on here before on situations I felt like I COULD help with. I usually don't have an answer. I don't know what to do or say in their situation. People want advice just like I do, and just because I am not frequent flyer like a lot of you on here does not mean that I don't want to help

[LaHermes]

Confused.

 

There are many who appear on here not just in connection with "dating". All manner of issues are discussed here.

 

Sometimes all you have to say to someone is:

 

"I am sorry you are going through a hard time."

 

Or, "I am delighted you solved your issue".

 

It isn't that difficult, OP.

 

You once remarked:

 

"I want to associate with intelligent people who are light years ahead of me. "

 

Well, well, well. So the more ordinary lowly mortals would not come within your range then?

[SherrySher]

The precedent was set early on, you were really into him, he didn't feel the same way. That's why he has no problem ending things and not caring.

 

He used you as a rebound, and the way he is acting, screams that you were a warm body while he got over his ex (whom he is obviously not over).

 

You need to set your standards much much higher than you do, otherwise you will keep allowing men to treat you badly like this.

 

Don't date someone who has ended a relationship within the last 6 months.

 

Don't date men who are obviously wanting you for sex but not much more and who are not emotionally invested in you.

 

Don't keep fooling yourself that someone loves you like you love them. When you know he's not acting and feeling the way you are, leave. Don't keep trying to force something that isn't.

 

You're sitting there now, and totally blaming yourself for this mess up and desperately wanting this man back when the truth is, he's the total jerk who created this whole thing.

He more than likely cheated on his ex, he monkey branched from one woman to the next. He ran back to his ex the second you two had broken up.

He used you, and he is now tossing you without any regard to your feelings.

Why on earth do you think this is a good man at all? He is a piece of dung who is incredibly self centered and uses and treats women however he pleases and doesn't care who he hurts.

 

The problems you brought to the relationship was that you desperately wanted him to feel the same way you did, and no matter what went on, no matter how badly you wanted it to be that way, no matter how hard you loved, he was never going to feel the same things you felt.

It's a harsh lesson to learn, but if someone tells you early on that they aren't feeling the same or might not want the same things as you.....believe them!!

It's not going to change in months time.

 

Stop blaming yourself. He was always going to treat you badly and he was always going to be looking out for the better option, whether that was his ex, or someone else down the line.

That's just the kind of man he is.

You can't change someone who is like that and you can't ever be enough for someone like that.

 

Yes, you have insecurity problems, and you do need help with it, BUT when you finally meet the right man, he won't toss you just because you're insecure, or just because you have a falling out.

He will learn your past, so he can love you the right way and give you what you need. He'll want to be that type of man for you.

Anyone else who gives you less...is not the right man for you.

 

I'm not saying that your insecurity issues are okay. What I am saying is, do your best to get help with it, but you're not a perfect person either, none of us are.

But when you find the right person, he will help you heal, despite your issues, he won't make them worse

 

This was the wrong guy for you. He did you a favor in leaving, so you now have a chance to heal and to have a clear path for the right man.

Stop crying over someone who was always going to be the wrong man and was always going to break your heart.

[boltnrun]

Lady, let me ask you something...

 

Given the way you describe the difficulties you have relating to other people or getting them to be friendly and include you, and how you feel about yourself as a result, do you really think trying to force a relationship with this man who has made it clear he does not and will not love you the way you love him will make you feel better and make your issues go away?

 

You do realize this is making your issues WORSE, not better...right?

 

I used to think whenever my awful ex and I were on the outs that I just HAD to fix it, HAD to get him to accept me again and my crippling anxiety would fade. And it did...until the next time, and the next and the next. It was NEVER ENDING. It was only after the relationship was over for good that I realized what my signature line says...The cause of the pain is NEVER the cure for the pain. Once he was gone so was the fear and anxiety.

 

Please do discuss your relationship with your therapist. I presume you are hiding it from her because you know what she would say and you don't want to let go of the fingernail hold you have on that man. But you need to.

[juliarmumford]

Sometimes you need to put yourself at risk for things that pay off. Everyone sees this for relationships, ("I don't want to get my heart broken, I don't want to let down my walls," etc; they see the risk there) but this is true for friendships, as well. If you put yourself out there, you will find people who don't like you, but that is okay. You might feel like you're "double-texting" your friends to hang out, even. But doing it anyway is rewarding when those evolve into true friendships. Just going on a coffee date or shopping trip once isn't enough (though we all wish it was!). You need to throw that "hey, are you busy ____" or "are you free to call/zoom for a chat?" even if you're expecting a no. I would flake on plans so much that people would stop inviting me - and who can I blame that on but myself? Friends before have said, "when you started contacting me more often, I realized you began to care about me again," and it really opened my eyes. I don't know your life. But if this is applicable to any of your friendships, think of what disappearing on them would mean to them, when you were focusing so much of your time on this guy (even if you didn't realize you did). Feel it on their side.

 

When I got out of an obsessive relationship, a big portion of my loss was understanding the time I had wasted that I could have been devoting to myself. I quit hobbies that had atrophied when I tried them out again. I stopped responding to friends in lieu of spending time with him, so when our relationship was over, I had no one on my side - but it was because I wasn't on theirs, really. I see from your first post you were trying so hard in that relationship. So you're able to do it. Don't do it for guys anymore!! At least not right now. Work on your obsessive mentality (and I say this with no judgement; I have felt how I could tell you feel many times, and I am no stranger to obsessing over a relationship) and then, when you're not in danger of projecting this onto a friend, too, think about the things you did for him that you know were good. Do them for yourself, or your friends. It's a lot better use of your energy, and it will pay off.