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Yeah, I think you are correct!

It would have been better on my behalf for her to say she was doing that though!

Saying not enough chemistry didn't seem true.

 

But she may not have known -she had sex when drunk and then figured she'd have sex again while not drunk - and she feels off about it -since you're for all practical purposes a stranger she may not know why it feels off -and even if it comes to her later since you're not someone she's close with she probably won't circle back and share it with you -no point. I hope you enjoy the memories of a fun, exciting night out and what sounds like good sex - from what you wrote that is something you enjoy.

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I think Bluecastle makes a great point. You would be hard pushed to find anyone who doesn't take a risk of some sort. Some people smoke, some people drink too much alcohol, some people do drugs, some people eat too many fatty foods, some people drive too fast, some people jump out of airplanes. The list goes on.

 

How many people male and females must hook up with people they don't really know and go back to their place each weekend.....and what percentage of them must come to any harm? The overwhelming majority must enjoy it. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it so wanted to meet up again. She must have enjoyed it to some extent to bother to continue texting. The percentage who come to any harm must be minuscule compared to those who get cancer from smoking, heart disease from eating fatty foods, have a car crash from driving too fast and they have children.

 

It's about putting risk into perspective and like anything in life balancing the risk with the reward. I don't smoke, don't drink drugs, don't particularly drive too fast or jump out of airplanes, I'd like to lose a little weight but I'm not at risk...but yeah occasionally I drink too much and even more occasionally I bring a woman back to my place iI haven't got to know too much! I haven't come to harm from that in my life time and don't know of any of my friends and acquaintances who have.

 

I'm talking only about the risks she took -I don't buy the whole slippery slope thing of all life is a risk. I never said it's bad to take risks -I was responding to your particular attitude on the risks she took especially given her gender, her parenthood, sex with a stranger in his home while drunk. The general discussion about risk taking is not what I was referring to because of course we all take risks. I think her risk/benefit analysis -based on her actions -shows that she was not putting the best interests of her children first or treating her own safety in any reasonable way - I base that on statistics, common sense, tons and tons of articles by professionals about how to meet people safely especially if you're a woman.

 

I know of many including myself who have been assaulted and harassed for not following those basic safety measures. I was never raped. I only made two mistakes -both in my 20s -(yes as an adult) where I went back to someone's apartment when I didn't know him well and when I let a drunk guy into my share hotel room at a singles resort. The first guy - Ivy league educated, handsome, articulate, intelligent, went on to assault and harass a number of my friends (he was on dating sites for years).

 

I am the opposite of cynical about men - I feel fortunate that I had so much fun dating for so many years while looking for marriage and never got raped (the assault both times was minor thank goodness). I think casual sex between two sober single adults can be a lot of fun despite it not being my thing at all. I think it's ridiculously risky to go to someone's home when you've first met, while drunk, and have sex even if in the drunken state you "consent". Particularly for women. And even more so for a mom of young kids. That's the specific risk I was talking about. You also risked her claiming rape, getting pregnant (because drunk sex is sloppier), etc. And if you kept dating her you would know that if you had a family with her she would be ok with going out on her own and getting drunk and hanging out with strangers in their homes (even if no "cheating" was involved). You said you were ok with that particular risk and that you like people who are into taking risks. That's all I was commenting on.

 

The problem with the examples you gave about risk taking with children is that this is a known risk that can be avoided extremely easily - by choosing not to get drunk with a stranger and go to his home and have sex (or even not have sex). It's easy to avoid. We have to drive (many of us, not me), we have to eat, etc. Of course parents take health risks - but no I'm not going to put it in the same category with her reckless behavior that had no counterbalance benefit other than fun and thrills. Plenty of ways to have fun and thrills without getting drunk with a stranger, a male, and going to his home the first time you meet and having sex.

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On this point I wouldn't argue with you Teach. Perfection and the perfect life do not exist.

 

"You would be hard pushed to find anyone who doesn't take a risk of some sort."

 

Life is a risky business. We'd never leave the four walls of our homes if we were scared of going out the door every day.

 

However, as I said above, the unhinged, unstable and plain crazy are always among us, and they do pose an extra risk, usually a risk we can't see coming.

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On this point I wouldn't argue with you Teach. Perfection and the perfect life do not exist.

 

"You would be hard pushed to find anyone who doesn't take a risk of some sort."

 

Life is a risky business. We'd never leave the four walls of our homes if we were scared of going out the door every day.

 

However, as I said above, the unhinged, unstable and plain crazy are always among us, and they do pose an extra risk, usually a risk we can't see coming.

 

I agree completely. I absolutely do not assume this woman was unstable just because she took that risk -she just might be a typical person who took that risk. But a person who would take that kind of risk is more likely to be unstable and certainly when drunk she is unstable for that time period at least. And more likely to expose a partner to an STD all else equal.

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Excellent. Now apply that to dating and screen well.

 

But he wrote that when he screens he looks for people who, like him, have the approach to risk taking that he does -very broad approach -he likes to take risks and believes that the risks she took and he took were worth the benefits. So I don't see how his screening would change in the least unless he now sees that the downsides -feeling like he was duped or lied to (whether or not she did), feeling badly that she didn't want to see him again or have sex with him again, ruminating over how a person who felt a sexual spark then said there wasn't enough chemistry to meet again, etc - my sense from what he wrote is that the benefits of being with a risk taker like her still would be worth these downsides because his point was he likes risk takers- people in his opinion who are more into taking risks than let's say the general population. He's entitled to that choice and that opinion and I don't see how his screening process woud be altered based on this one experience.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thanks everyone with the responses.

 

After 3 weeks of not texting her, I invited her with her son to come out with me and my son to Kidzania on Saturday. I said I I wouldn't normally do this, but I said it was hard to find other fun single parents to hang out with while the kids were playing. I said it's not a date, it's a playdate. She replied straight away to say it was a lovely idea, but her kid was with his dad on Saturday (which I suspected might be the case as he was when we went out on a Saturday a few weeks earlier). She said, how about another weekend?

I said yeah why not, let me know when you have him. She said she would and hoped all was good with me. I didn't want to prolong the conversation, so I said yes thanks and hoped she was too and left it at that.

 

So on the one hand I don't wanna be friendzoned and I'm still a little annoyed at the way she sent the text I started this thread with. Everyone I've spoken to, can't believe that not having enough spark is the real reason she didn't wanna come on another date. However, it is actually genuinely really difficult to find other fun single parents to hang out with when you have 7 or 8 year olds too.

 

So I have no idea whether her response is good news or not in terms of romance, or whether she actually thinks it's just a good idea too to hang out with the kids. But we did have loads in common including her having a 7 year old and me an 8 year old!

 

So thanks for a massive amount of responses, what do you reckon guys?

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I think it's better to chill out and go along with it as a "playdate" instead of sneakily saying it's one and hoping for something else. That's quite creepy.

 

You're using the kids to get to her which is inappropriate. Surely dating hasn't come to this. There's better for you out there.

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Well, tbh, not found someone with so much in common in a long, long time, If ever...so perhaps there is someone better....but I don't wanna wait forever. I'm 42 and never been married!

 

As for using the kids, yes and no. Like I said, it would be genuinely nice to find another single parent to be able to do stuff with the kids with. It is very hard to find. I have friends without kids and married friends with kids....but when I have my boy, it's difficult to have adult company at the same time as taking him out etc. Don't get me wrong, sometimes its great just me and him...other times it would be great to have another adult there.

And of-course, she said it was a lovely idea. But yeah I would be lying too if I didn't think it would be an opportunity to get to know her more or her me....after all she may have rejected an official second date for whatever strange reason, but that's when we would have got to know each other more.

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Well, tbh, not found someone with so much in common in a long, long time, If ever...so perhaps there is someone better....but I don't wanna wait forever. I'm 42 and never been married!

 

As for using the kids, yes and no. Like I said, it would be genuinely nice to find another single parent to be able to do stuff with the kids with. It is very hard to find. I have friends without kids and married friends with kids....but when I have my boy, it's difficult to have adult company at the same time as taking him out etc. Don't get me wrong, sometimes its great just me and him...other times it would be great to have another adult there.

And of-course, she said it was a lovely idea. But yeah I would be lying too if I didn't think it would be an opportunity to get to know her more or her me....after all she may have rejected an official second date for whatever strange reason, but that's when we would have got to know each other more.

 

I don't think it's the right approach at all. I agree with Rose. Please don't act desperate just because of your age. I didn't get married or become a mom till I was 42.

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If it was just a playdate you wouldn't still be mentioning her previous text and you wouldn't be worried about being "friend-zoned".

 

You ARE "using" this alleged playdate to try to convince her to date you.

 

Your age is not a factor. 42 is not at all old, you are in your prime.

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You're going to do what you're going to do, but I'm going to assume you wouldn't be posting about it here if you weren't looking for some input. That being said? I'd consider this a good moment to turn on the lights, look in the mirror, and ask yourself if this is really who you want to be at 42: a man very much using his child, and another's child, to facilitate a hang with a woman who you just can't fathom didn't feel enough spark to keep hanging.

 

It's just...well, it's not the best look. I believe you're sincere in saying you'd love to find some other adult companions for "playdates," that it can all get a little lonesome, but I just don't get the sense that those sincere thoughts have anything to do with your intentions in reaching out to her. Seems her lack of interest in you has made you really, really interested, which might be something to reflect on.

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As for using the kids, yes and no. Like I said, it would be genuinely nice to find another single parent to be able to do stuff with the kids with. It is very hard to find. I have friends without kids and married friends with kids....but when I have my boy, it's difficult to have adult company at the same time as taking him out etc. Don't get me wrong, sometimes its great just me and him...other times it would be great to have another adult there.

 

Teach.

 

Stop. Just stop, dude.

 

This is way too desperate and your motives are completely transparent. Don't involve the children in your ploy to get another "date" out her. And yes, that's exactly what you're doing.

 

Leave her alone. Let go. And find someone else who doesn't turn you down in the first place.

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