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Hi guys...not used this for a long long while.

 

But I think I'm just not getting something.

 

Met a woman on an App. Chatted for just under a week. We discovered we had so much in common. I'm a teacher, she's a paediatric nurse. I have an 8 year old kid, she has a 7 year old. But also our whole attitudes to life seemed to match on our attitudes to enjoying ourselves, risk taking, humour etc. On paper at least I have not found someone to have so much in common ever and I'm 42. She is 37.

We laughed and joked and flirted. We agreed to meet up on the Saturday for drinks. By that point we had already joked that she would be coming back to my place after the date.

She said she didn't like one night stands and was even worried she'd stay single and on her own.

 

So we went on the date and had a great time. We talked no end, got fairly drunk but not so we were falling over blind drunk...we were still in control.

We kissed and we did indeed go back to mine. We did have sex. In the morning she held my hand and cuddled in the bed, and she initiated morning sex. She didn't rush off home and only left because she had to collect her child. The only thing I found strange was I actually found out that she had bought a spare set of clothes in case she did come back to mine.

 

I walked her to the station a few minutes walk from mine and had a kiss goodbye.

 

We then texted and joked, flirted and I teased her for the next couple of days.

 

And then this morning she text, really sorry to write you this but I've been thinking a lot, I had a really good time on our date, I am a lovely guy...but I didn't feel enough spark!!!

 

I mean this woman might well be lost to me and that is disappointing considering how much we both agreed we had in common. But that's just life.

 

But I cannot for the life of me figure out how there was not enough spark. Yes she can blame the drink for coming back with me and having sex at night. But she held my hand in the morning and initiated sex in the morning when obviously we were no longer drunk and came for a cuddle.

 

I find it hard to believe at 37 years old she was just after fun and having sex when she specifically said that is not what she was after.

 

I mean I could have been a bit too keen afterwards by texting her a while after she left. But she replied well enough and quickly enough to all my texts.

 

Really though....even if this one is gone....I don't wanna make whatever mistakes I make again because it's annoying. I'm bored of dating...I only agree to go on a date rarely and only if I think theres a spark beforehand. I want a relationship, not to go on dates and not even get a second one when the first went so well.

 

So just looking for any ideas??

 

Am I missing something here.

 

Thanks guys

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This happens a lot I'm afraid... people get caught up in the moment and realize after some reflection that they just aren't "feeling it". In today's dating world, people are a lot more choosy when it comes to settling down because there is so much more available out there.

 

I wouldn't take it personally as this will happen a lot... both for you and for the people you date. Just be patient and don't settle knowing that your person is out there when the time is right.

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Many people decide not to go on a second date, sex or no. She probably felt more of a spark after she chose to get drunk. Nothing to do with her age- my sense is she has done this before -met a guy, chosen to get drunk so she can blame having a one night stand on the alcohol and had her fun.

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Sorry about all this.

 

In terms of thoughts on the overall situation? Look, the fact of the matter here is that you went on one date—just one—after which she decided there wasn't enough there to keep exploring. That is, all in all, the norm in the dating, the most common outcome. We meet someone once, maybe three times, do whatever we do, then part ways. Maybe we're the one who opts out, maybe they are. Very rare that people click hard enough to go even a few months, let alone to get into a relationship.

 

Guess what I'm trying to say is that I think you'd benefit from getting your expectations in check. The impression I get here is that you went into this first date thinking you'd met your future partner, with those thoughts confirmed, for you, through having sex. Just doesn't work that way.

 

With that in mind, maybe it would be wise to not turn things so sexual so quickly? To not turn the pre-date chitchat into saucy talk, to not steer early dates toward booze and bedrooms? Gives a bit more space for you to get to know a person, and vise versa, while limiting the sting when things don't go your way after a date or two, be it another instance where someone isn't feeling the spark or one where you're the one craving a bit more kindling than someone is offering.

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No idea. Just baffles me that she said there wasn't enough spark, but there seems there was enough spark to have sex. I would have thought there would have been enough to at least have a second date.

 

She felt horny at the moment but isn't interested in spending more time with you. I'm sorry.

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Thanks, I did think that, but I thought the flirting and the sex chat does initiate the spark. Besides it was her who brought the sex chat up in the first place!

 

Yes but there are different kinds of sparks and perhaps it was just an excuse -you barely know her and you're lucky that nothing bad happened having a drunk stranger to your home. If she was being truthful for you I could see where she felt enough of a spark to have sex but didn't feel you clicked to spend time together on a date.

Sex chats and flirting before meeting have nothing to do with in person sparks.

 

Also she might have met another guy in the couple of days and liked the sex more.

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Thanks, I did think that, but I thought the flirting and the sex chat does initiate the spark. Besides it was her who brought the sex chat up in the first place!

 

Sometimes hot sauce can feel like a meal, until it feels like indigestion. That's basically dating.

 

We think there's a spark—maybe because they're taking their clothes are off, maybe because they're also into talking about macroeconomics in developing countries until 3 am—and then it turns out to be, well, not so sparkly.

 

Guess I'm just saying that I wouldn't get too strung out on this. It's one night, a few texts. Inhale, exhale, and keep exploring.

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But it was one date?

 

It's okay. It didn't work out. Let this one go. Just wanted to add: It might seem confusing at first but try not to throw yourself into so much self-doubt after just one date. Someone who cares about you will actually take their time with you! Be glad she broke it off quickly. Onwards to greater things.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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I used to work with a woman who instructed me to always have sex on the first date. According to her, I needed to find out if the guy was any good in bed right off the bat so I didn't waste my time dating a bedroom dud.

 

I rolled my eyes at that. But maybe some people actually do that? I don't know. But I can guarantee if she did that with you she has done it with other men too.

 

It was just one date and a bit of chat. This one wasn't a match so now you are free to look for the woman who is right for you.

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I find it hard to believe at 37 years old she was just after fun and having sex when she specifically said that is not what she was after.

 

And yet, that's exactly what she did. Sure, she says she's not the sort of woman to have a one-night stand and blah, blah, blah. Her actions betray her.

 

To be clear, I see nothing wrong with first-date sex if both parties are into it. I've done it myself, so no judgment there. But she's full of malarkey if she led you to believe she doesn't do that kind of thing. Obviously she does, and if she'd brought a change of clothes along on this first date? She'd intended to do it from the get-go.

 

I think she's either got someone else on the go, and decided to dedicate more time to him, or what she meant is that she doesn't feel enough chemistry to want to date. Sexual chemistry is one things. It doesn't always translate into the sort of romantic chemistry that make dating the person an appealing option.

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The fact she came pre-prepared with a fresh set of clothes meant she was at the very least hoping to have a one-night stand. The "joking" about coming back to yours was obviously testing the water. We often hear of men who say all sorts of things to women, get them in bed, then say they don't want a relationship or just disappear. I'm afraid there are women like that too and I think you unwittingly found one of them.

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Lesson one: Women like sex too and they will on occasion have sex with a guy that they may not want a relationship with.

 

Lesson two: It is called dating, not relationshiping. Keep that in mind.

 

Lesson three: People say one thing and do another all the time. She isn't interested in one night stands and yet she brought a change of clothes.

 

Lesson four: Women get a lot of attention on dating apps so you are not the only guy she was chatting to. There could have been more sparks with another guy.

 

Accepting this stuff can be hard but what else can you do? Become bitter?

 

You had a good time, had sex twice so look on the bright side and stop trying to evaluate it or fix it. (common for men)

 

I see this as a plus in several ways. You got her attention on the app and it proceeded to a date. That in itself is great so obviously you have some game.

 

Chalk it up to some fun with no guilt. I wonder how many guys have had sex with a woman and then told them later they didn't feel a spark?

 

Lost

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I used to work with a woman who instructed me to always have sex on the first date. According to her, I needed to find out if the guy was any good in bed right off the bat so I didn't waste my time dating a bedroom dud.

 

I rolled my eyes at that. But maybe some people actually do that? I don't know. But I can guarantee if she did that with you she has done it with other men too.

 

It was just one date and a bit of chat. This one wasn't a match so now you are free to look for the woman who is right for you.

 

Did we know the same woman? She'd do that then dump them if they weren't to her liking. The one she found who was awesome beyond belief was a married man she fell in love with. Then she blamed his suicide on how awful his wife was to him.

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Thanks, I did think that, but I thought the flirting and the sex chat does initiate the spark. Besides it was her who brought the sex chat up in the first place!
Though you never really answered my question about if you hadn't had sex would it make a difference. But each time you try to explain your confusion you mention "but we had sex"

That leads me to my response - don't have sex too early.

Interesting we grill women with the same advice but yet hold back when the tables are turned.

I'm just guessing had you had a friendly date that didn't end up in bed you might not be so confused today.

Next time don't. At least if you think it might throw you off a bit and it's a relationship you're looking for.

One night stands sometimes turn into relationship s. But if you don't have in you to take it in stride when it doesn't, then don't do it. It's ok. I don't do it for this exact reason.

It's a gamble. Some people are good gamblers. Some arent.

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This was many years ago. I went on a couple of dates with a man. I'm not sure where we were but for some reason he had to open his trunk for something and he had a bag. I think I made a joke about what might be in the black duffel bag (dark humour) and he said with a straight face that he always has an overnighter bag in his trunk just in case he may need it. Nothing in his work life would have required that so I respectfully declined any other dates. He had some other quirks that were a bit hard to live with too.

 

Yes, trust your instincts!

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Pretty much what's already been said - you are confusing sexy time with connection.

 

Just like there are plenty of men who can just have sex and walk away, there are women who are exactly the same and you came across one them. Female player. She chatted you up, planted the idea of sex in your head, came prepared, had a good time and walked away. Truth be told, I doubt she was ever planning on more than that. I know I know, but she said..... Well duh, would you have shagged her if she had told you she only wants to use you for a one night stand? Probably not. Most men actually won't...contrary to other popular myths about genders. So she seduced you, had her way, had a good time and did what she was planning all along - one and done.

 

On a more serious note, what seems to be going wrong for you is that you are over investing and jumping in way too fast, which is a good way to end up with crazies. You say you don't want to date. Thing is that you can't get to a relationship without dating. Dating is that time where you get to know the person - who they are, what they are really like, not instant spark stuff, but getting to know if there is more depth, a solid foundation. Dating is where you either start to connect more, grow together, develop a genuine friendship and that eventually turns into a relationship, or you discover that what seemed sparkly early on doesn't have enough substance and part ways.

 

Trying to jump into an instant relationship based on early sparks will just get you burned time and again.

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Thanks guys.

 

I'm still a bit confused. So from a woman's point of view spark is not the same as attraction? I would find it pretty hard to imagine a woman can have sex with someone she doesn't find attractive at all? We also had lots in common etc, so it wasn't entirely lust.

 

Now if she did find me attractive, which I assume she must have done to go to the lengths and time chatting and came all across town to meet me.....and stayed the night, initiated sex in the morning, kept on messaging after our date and like I said we had lots in common beyond that and spoke about what her had in common.

 

Now I don't expect there to be a mad spark and unbelievable attraction on the first date. I don't expect there to be an emotional connection straight away if that's what people mean? Surely that's what you go on a second date for? First date should be fun, can you have fun together? Second date more building an emotional connection?

 

I mean I'm disappointed this girl is gone....but I'm more bothered about where it went wrong so not to repeat mistakes. Am I just misreading something?

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