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How not to tell a guy that you live alone?


snowpeachdoll
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Hi, so I've been exploring dating apps and I have been getting a lot of messages from guys there.

One thing that is challenging for me to answer are questions like "who do you live with?" or "how many do you live with?" because to me, it's kind of predatory (please correct me if I'm wrong). Why are men asking these types of questions? Is there any way to politely decline or dock this question without sending a negative vibe? I'm merely there to get to know people first before I disclose these type of information as I value my safety and privacy.

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They just want to see if you live with your bf/ex or parents. It's also an indirect way to case you for income/home ownership etc.

 

Just say a gf is staying with you for a while. Problem solved.

 

It answers the question if they just want to know if you live with parents or one of these people who claim to be "emotionally separated" but still live with a partner or "ex". Make sure you ask them the same thing.

 

This way when you feel confident enough it's easy to say your friend who was staying with you "for a while" has left.

One thing that is challenging for me to answer are questions like "who do you live with?" or "how many do you live with?" because to me, it's kind of predatory (please correct me if I'm wrong).

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Oops. I've asked that question and vice versa and didn't feel bad about it when asked. Yes, it's to get an idea of where another person is at in their lives or if they are as freely independent as I'd hope for them to be. I think asking it without meeting someone at all is a little awkward. That would probably send the wrong message and a greater likelihood it may be misinterpreted for something else.

 

Do you mind me asking why you're a bit hesitant to let someone know you live alone? There are ways for phrasing these things. The above seems a bit crass or rough or the timing is really off. You don't have to invite anyone over at all or go for dates anywhere close to your house or where you live until you feel more comfortable.

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Oops. I've asked that question and vice versa and didn't feel bad about it when asked. Yes, it's to get an idea of where another person is at in their lives or if they are as freely independent as I'd hope for them to be. I think asking it without meeting someone at all is a little awkward. That would probably send the wrong message and a greater likelihood it may be misinterpreted for something else.

 

Do you mind me asking why you're a bit hesitant to let someone know you live alone? There are ways for phrasing these things. The above seems a bit crass or rough or the timing is really off. You don't have to invite anyone over at all or go for dates anywhere close to your house or where you live until you feel more comfortable.

 

Thanks so much for your kind response. With regards to your question, I dunno I guess I'm just really uncomfortable when a stranger asks me about those stuff especially if I'm just trying to get to know them first. Is it just me?

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I wouldn't like a stranger asking me this either. I think it's a little weird to ask. I am surprised that's a screening question for on line dating....

 

Anyway, my advice is follow your instinct. If you feel that is an inappropriate question or the person gives you a bad vibe, then move on. Or you might ask why they ask.

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I chose not to date men who still lived with their parents. So I would ask if they lived on their own if it seemed unclear. Most often they volunteered the info. I never asked who they lived with other than if they lived with parents - so "on their own" could mean alone or with roommates.

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Thanks so much for your kind response. With regards to your question, I dunno I guess I'm just really uncomfortable when a stranger asks me about those stuff especially if I'm just trying to get to know them first. Is it just me?

 

I'd echo the others' advice about following your instincts. In the situations it came up for me it didn't cross my mind that it was threatening in any way and I didn't feel at all upset or threatened by it. Maybe it was timed better or it was in person or I never felt like the other person was a weirdo or creep. I hope I didn't come across that way either (didn't seem like it). It was part of regular conversation.

 

Trust your instincts - generally if you're feeling a bit uncomfortable already like this over this kind of question I'd be wondering if the person on the other side overall is someone you should be speaking to at all. There are a lot of odd people out there with not-so-honest intentions.

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I'm merely there to get to know people first before I disclose these type of information as I value my safety and privacy.

Rightly so. I agree, especially about the safety aspect. If asked, simply say a girlfriend stays with you, or a sister. No need for anything more.

Edited by Capricorn3
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Don't answer any question that you are not comfortable with. Be honest that you're comfortable. If the person has a valid reason for asking, they should be able to explain rather then just expect you to answer. And if they don't respect that you don't want to share that with someone you've barely met, then you probably don't want to be going any further with them.

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Well I mean even if you tell them you live alone, you don't have to tell them the suburb you live or even your last name. I have been asked that before and I've also asked it. To be honest I personally only ask that out of pure curiosity and yes to see if they live with their parents. During quarantine I'm asking because I live by myself and I find it really lonely. So I guess I'm just trying to relate to people and just see how everyone is going in quarantine. Maybe guys are asking you this question more during COVID? Normally I didn't get asked it that much on dating sites. If you don't want to say you live alone then just say you live with a roommate. If eventually you start dating a guy and he comes to your place, just say the roommate moved out.

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I have never asked a woman how many people she lives with.

 

Just ignore the question and ask one back to them on something you would like to know about them.

You are under no obligation to tell them anything you do not want to. Remember they are total strangers so treat the interactions as such.

 

Don't let any man pick you up at your place until you know them well enough.

Meet in a public place of your choosing or if you are familiar with what he suggested then fine.

Talk on the phone briefly before you agree to meet so you can weed out the wrong guys.

 

Be safe and be smart. There are some creepy jerks out there.

 

Lost

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It's a pretty common question and nothing sinister about it. So many people are living with parents, siblings, roommates nowadays.

 

If you want to be safe, then do not disclose your last name, use a voip number (lots of apps for that) when dating so they can't trace your actual personal info by that, don't disclose where you live other than a generic area of town kind of a thing. Always meet in a public place for the first several dates, drive yourself and the biggest thing - don't let him walk you to your car.

 

Most importantly become very very comfortable with the concept of "No". If a guy is getting pushy to come over to your place and you aren't ready for that, "No." is a complete sentence. You don't have to justify yourself or dance around that subject. Also, listen to your gut - if his behavior is making you uncomfortable, drop him. Bottom line being that a guy who was just getting ahead of himself but is a decent person will respect your boundaries. If he was just after a quick lay, he'll walk away when he realizes you won't be pushed into that quickly or at all, so no loss for you here.

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I would not date a grown person living with parents, an "ex" or roommates, so it's a valid question.

 

It depends on your age. If some guy is looking for a love nest, sugar mama,etc. you'll soon find out by asking the same questions such as "what about you, what's your story?" in a friendly manner. You as well should be weary of anyone over a certain age who lives with roommates, parents or an "ex".

 

There are better ways to deflect the question if safety is concerned as I mentioned above. Most of all, don't give out TMI prior to meeting, don't let him go to your place and don't go to his.

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If asked, simply say a girlfriend stays with you, or a sister. No need for anything more.

 

Thanks! I'll probably have to practice saying this. I usually just ditch the conversation altogether whenever that question comes up. Sometimes its a bummer because there are other guys I've already liked talking to and then they asks me about where I live. I wonder if I'll ever end up with someone with this type of reaction all the time lol.

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Well I mean even if you tell them you live alone, you don't have to tell them the suburb you live or even your last name.

 

You're right. I just couldn't be too trusting when asked about these kinds of stuff but I'd definitely want to try to meet up and maybe get to know someone in person but I'd ask a friend to come with me on a first meet (just not in my place because my guards are usually down where I live)

 

If you don't want to say you live alone then just say you live with a roommate. If eventually you start dating a guy and he comes to your place, just say the roommate moved out.

 

This is a great idea and I'll definitely put this to practice. Thank you so much!

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Don't answer prying questions.

 

Beware of date rape.

 

Always pay attention to red flags and alarm bells sounding off in your brain. It's there for a reason.

 

Always remain cautious. Better safe than sorry.

 

exactly whats on my anxious mind! right?

 

so this one guy deactivated his account after I left his questions up for 12hrs unanswered. creepy af

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I am surprised that's a screening question for on line dating....

 

I've been getting it a lot actually probably other ones are innocent questions like what others are telling but I can't be too trusting because I don't know anyone in where I live in a deeper sense that I'd be protected when something crazy happens.

 

Anyway, my advice is follow your instinct. If you feel that is an inappropriate question or the person gives you a bad vibe, then move on. Or you might ask why they ask.

 

Yes thank you. I'd definitely will try to ask why they want to know next time see what answers I'll get and then avoid giving them answers lol.

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I am trying to think if I ask that question when I meet people .... (it's been rather a long time since I asked a man anything never mind who he lives with lol )

 

To me it is a pretty normal part of conversation , but I see your point now you have brought it up , so just tell a little fib/white lie , no harm in that .

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