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A desire for suffering?


miguel
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Lately I have been constantly daydreaming about situations where I would struggle and have to be strong. Things like my parents dying and me having to deal with the grief, or being hit by a car and recovering. In these daydreams I’m not afraid. Instead I feel almost like I desire the suffering. And it’s not that I desire pain itself - I don’t want to be hurt - but I want to be in a situation where I can be brave and strong and be a fighter.

 

Generally I struggle with depression which usually causes apathy and lack of interest in life, so I thought maybe this was me imagining dramatic and life changing situations so that I have something to live for. Which seems ridiculous.

 

I’m not usually someone who cares about being centre of attention, and I always go out of my way to make sure people are happy and safe. I just want myself to suffer a bit so that I can grow and be tested. It feels crazy to me and I don’t know how to understand it.

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where I can be brave and strong and be a fighter.

 

This year has affected a lot of people and it's not surprising if many also feel helpless with all the tragedies and issues happening in the world. I think it's a noble thing to want to be brave or strong or a fighter. A person doesn't really know the extent of that until they are tested. Life will happen whether you like it or not. I think these fantasies are normal especially if it's a coping mechanism for loss and helplessness - I'd wonder if it's an extension of empathy. I agree with the comment about thinking and working it out with a therapist or just reflecting on your own where these thoughts are coming from. You may be too young to recognize signs for severe stress and be under a lot of stress also.

 

How does your family share together in times of stressful situations? Are you close with your parents?

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At times we all feel powerless and helpless. Especially this year, life can seem pointless and that we are all trapped with no way out. So it's normal to have a fantasy of being able to overcome something, do something amazing and heroic. Why do you think superhero movies are so popular? We all want to have hope that a regular person can somehow become this heroic figure that saves the world. And we feel the most hope when the hero has his back to the wall, has lost everything, and still manages to overcome and prevail.

 

"Generally I struggle with depression which usually causes apathy and lack of interest in life... I’m not usually someone who cares about being centre of attention, and I always go out of my way to make sure people are happy and safe.."

 

Sounds to me like you are already overcoming something and being heroic. As a friend taught me, start small. You don't have to be tested through some huge crisis. You can grow through even the smallest of things. Fighting depression isn't easy and is a major accomplishment. Every day you don't give into it, you are being brave and strong. Every-time you think about someone else, making them happy and safe, you are doing something great and amazing. You are already a fighter.

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