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I regret telling my mom about my sexual assault? Should I tell her I'm lying?


rchubn
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I don't have a good relationship with my mom. I could never get her to visit me or answer phone calls or text messages. I was never allowed to visit her as well, when I'd bring it up she'd ignore me. I live in a different city btw, an hour away.

 

We had a close moment a few days ago and I stupidly disclosed the fact I was sexually assaulted. Now she's suddenly being nice to me. Suggesting that she visit me more.

 

However, this is not authentic concern from her. This is guilt on her part and her kindness is to make herself feel better and not because she has general concern about her daughter.

 

How can I back track from sharing this information so she'll keep her distance? I need people around that love me and that's not the case here. A few months ago she flat out told me she wanted me out of her life, this hurt me deeply. I was already in pain and that topped it off. Now she wants to visit me more and that she loves me.

 

I want to believe it because I would love to have a mother figure comfort me right now because I have no one but it's not real and it's not genuine concern and when she loses interest or feels like she made it up to me I will be back where I started: alone.

 

 

This flawed relationship with my mother and not feeling cherished by my mother or father, was the reason I didn't care about myself enough to stop someone from violating my body or care enough to report or do something about it.

 

 

What can I do about this? Should I tell her I made it up so she'll go away?

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I'm sorry for all you have been through, OP.

 

But no, I wouldn't backtrack and tell her you made it up. That won't help, and is very likely to muddy the water even further. Be honest, and tell her that are not ready to open yourself up more to her at this time so you don't wish to plan visits right now.

 

And then stick to that.

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But no, I wouldn't backtrack and tell her you made it up. That won't help, and is very likely to muddy the water even further.

 

I agree. Telling her that you are lying will just muddy the waters for yourself.

 

Just tactfully back off from her and avoid triggering arguments while you are doing it.

 

Then focus on other routes to healing.

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If she has a cycle of hot/cold (abuse and disrespect), all you have to do is be patient and wait for the other side of the cycle. Don't make any moves. Stay respectful and don't self-destruct in the process (ie lying etc). Continue on. The beauty about knowing the patterns or cycle is that you know what will happen but you're not in it or as close to the fire as painful as it is because it involves loved ones. I'm very sorry this is happening.

 

Just be patient and stay calm. Stay busy and focused on other things you have to get done. Try and stick with some consistency in your life, work with your therapist so that you don't perpetuate the same cycles of abuse and disrespect that your parents have shown you.

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I've started to talk to someone. They're encouraging me to embrace her but I KNOW her. She does not care. I will end up HURT if I fall into unstable arms while I'm already broken

 

Serious, question, with you knowing this, why did you tell her? What would have been a suitable reaction to her hearing this, had she been cold, would that have been more comfortable to you? Again Im not asking these questions in a judgemental way, I get the flip flopping, you want her to care but when she does it scares you, what would the ideal solution to all this be in your mind.

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I would just let this go...what is done is done. If your are leery about your mother's intentions, you have full control over that...you don't have to accept all her invites, you can control what you talk about, and whatever else you do together. You can take your time with this.

 

One thing I have learned...it's all about perception. You truly don't know how your mother feels or how she sees you, so the best thing to do is stop assuming. I see this time and time again when people confide in me their opinion about a loved one's actions. It's called tunnel vision. Their opinion is negative, they just don't understand what is going on with them, so they just assume. I admit I sometimes do it too and have to stop myself. I totally get it...I have a not so easy relationship with my mother too. I don't trust her, but when I step back and take my emotions out of it, I can see things differently. People act out because that's how they survive. And it's key to know that, not everyone is going to understand you. You just roll with it, but don't let it consume you.

If you need to talk to someone, you have a whole community here that will listen and help you out.

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I'm sorry about your horrific experience during and after the crime.

 

Even though you're wary and jaded due to your relationship with your mom, remain well mannered, respectful and gracious towards your mother. (I'm a mother of two sons, by the way.)

 

It sounds to me that your mother is reaching out to you, truly feels your sorrow and has compassion towards her daughter. Ironically, perhaps this terrible crime against you is her way to heal and make amends with you.

 

Keep in mind, not everyone feels guilty nor apologizes when a relationship starts anew again. Their way of resuming a relationship with you is by being kind even if they have to start all over again with you.

 

Don't back peddle by lying and changing your story otherwise you'll never be trusted again. No one ever trusts a liar. One and done. Lying will make you feel awful and your conscience will continue to haunt you. And, should your mother eventually find out that you lied, you'll make your mother-daughter relationship go backwards, not forwards. Don't make an already fragile relationship even worse. Be smart.

 

My mother has said a lot of words which she can't take back either. However, I've since learned to keep the peace. Keeping the peace is better than animosity, constant discord, arguments, fighting or estrangement. I'm kind, gracious, respectful, well mannered, very polite yet I can control the relationship by remaining safely distant.

 

Don't be cold and frosty. Life is too short. Someday when your mom passes away, you don't want regrets. She's older than you are and has less time on this Earth than you do. You don't have to be sugary syrupy sweet. Just try to be nice without going overboard. This is what I do and it works.

 

Practice good diplomacy. Everyone is flawed. Make the best of the situation by showing class. You don't have to be close. Just be kind. Keep the peace.

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Serious, question, with you knowing this, why did you tell her? What would have been a suitable reaction to her hearing this, had she been cold, would that have been more comfortable to you? Again Im not asking these questions in a judgemental way, I get the flip flopping, you want her to care but when she does it scares you, what would the ideal solution to all this be in your mind.

 

I told because I was weak and pathetic in that moment. We had the first good day in a long time and she seemed positive/in a good mood (I later realized it was because of some unrelated gain in her personal life) and I stupidly read that mood change as something that has to do with me and us having a good day as mother and daughter. I was in dream world and needed to talk to someone, I had a bunch of unrealistic expectarions and hopes and I overstepped

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I would just let this go...what is done is done. If your are leery about your mother's intentions, you have full control over that...you don't have to accept all her invites, you can control what you talk about, and whatever else you do together. You can take your time with this.

 

One thing I have learned...it's all about perception. You truly don't know how your mother feels or how she sees you, so the best thing to do is stop assuming. I see this time and time again when people confide in me their opinion about a loved one's actions. It's called tunnel vision. Their opinion is negative, they just don't understand what is going on with them, so they just assume. I admit I sometimes do it too and have to stop myself. I totally get it...I have a not so easy relationship with my mother too. I don't trust her, but when I step back and take my emotions out of it, I can see things differently. People act out because that's how they survive. And it's key to know that, not everyone is going to understand you. You just roll with it, but don't let it consume you.

If you need to talk to someone, you have a whole community here that will listen and help you out.

 

I know exactly how she feels though. Shes verbalized it my entire life. I was the only child physically abused, my siblings even acknowledge that. I was the only child that didn't get mental health therapy as a child, my siblings did. I was the child that she allowed her boyfriend to bully (I was in first grade). I was the suicidal child that constantly got emails from my concerned teachers about dark things I've said about myself in my elementary school classroom. I would sit in a childrens home toy room while my siblings got therapy two doors down. It got to the point where my school eventually had to force her hand with reporting her just to have someone visit and talk to me during school/at school.

 

I think there are a lot people that exaggerate online but I would like to set the record straight, in my situation these aren't exaggerations out of disobedience or self pity, I genuinely was not cared about growing up. I grew up thinking I was evil

 

My safety and emotional wellbeing was never a priority for her which is why this sudden interest support on her end is shocking.

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I know exactly how she feels though. Shes verbalized it my entire life. I was the only child physically abused, my siblings even acknowledge that. I was the only child that didn't get mental health therapy as a child, my siblings did. I was the child that she allowed her boyfriend to bully (I was in first grade). I was the suicidal child that constantly got emails from my concerned teachers about dark things I've said about myself in my elementary school classroom. I would sit in a childrens home toy room while my siblings got therapy two doors down. It got to the point where my school eventually had to force her hand with reporting her just to have someone visit and talk to me during school/at school.

 

I think there are a lot people that exaggerate online but I would like to set the record straight, in my situation these aren't exaggerations out of disobedience or self pity, I genuinely was not cared about growing up. I grew up thinking I was evil

 

My safety and emotional well being was never a priority for her which is why this sudden interest support on her end is shocking.

 

Since you harbor a lot of bitterness and resentment regarding the past as I do, then do this: Remain civil. Remain polite, well mannered, respectful, kind (without going overboard) yet keep a safe distance. Keep the peace. I control relationships by keeping the peace. Be smart in how you navigate this. You don't have to be close. However, remain a peaceful person when interacting with others including your mother.

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