I snooped and found custom porn

[Lilbaby6]

I know. I shouldn’t have. But I did and now I have to deal with it. I’ve told him before that I’m not 100% okay with free porn but I’m getting better. It’s not something I want to bother me and I’ve been working on it. But once you start paying for it and getting custom videos then it becomes cheating to me. You can’t tell me it’s ‘just a video’ then pay $85 for a custom video from a porn star. It’s something we’ve talked about before. I’ve told him I don’t like that he’s paid for it before and I don’t want him to do it again and he agreed and said he wouldn’t. Well, I went snooping on his pornhub and saw that spending $85 on a custom video was exactly what he did. He’d also bought 3 others since the last time we’d talked about it. I don’t know what to do. I shouldn’t have snooped so I don’t want to say anything, but this hurts a lot to see. I don’t know how or if I should bring it up to him.

 

I tried to talk to him about custom content today, not mentioning I know he bought some, and once again he agreed that it was cheating. What do I do? We’ve been together for 2 years and I love him very much. This is also my first and only major relationship. I feel very lost sometimes.

 

Thank you all in advance.

[boltnrun]

If you don't want a boyfriend who purchases porn, don't date a guy who purchases porn.

 

And forget the whole "if he loved me he wouldn't do it!!!" He could very well say "if she loved me she'd accept me the way I am!!"

 

And also forget the whole "but I LOVE him!!" If a man needs to change to be right for you, he's wrong for you.

[Tinydance]

I think unfortunately maybe you guys are incompatible. A good relationship is based on having the same values and beliefs on big important matters. Sometimes some things are not right or wrong but they are just a difference of opinion. I understand that it seems like paying for custom porn may seem like going too far but to me personally it wouldn't seem any different to just watching porn. Obviously your boyfriend likes this porn star and he wanted certain things done in the video. It's his money so he chose to spend it on the porn. Some people spend hundreds on video games or something else. I wouldn't mind myself personally unless he actually engaged in some kind of online relationship or cyber or video sex with this porn star. To me just watching her do something by herself or with another guy is the same as looking at any other porn video. Again it depends on people's personal beliefs and values. I'm bisexual and when I was with my ex-fiance he said he didn't mind if I looked at a cam girl on Porn Hub. He was fine with it so I did it but I didn't actually engage with her outside of the cam session at all. If you want a boyfriend who doesn't pay for custom porn then you may need to get a different boyfriend.

[SherrySher]

I'm not sure the porn is the issue here. I think the lying and hiding things from you is the bigger issue.

 

If you've asked him about it and he thinks it'e better to lie and then hides things from you, that's a very bad sign. It spells out trouble on many levels.

 

I personally would never trust a man who would stoop to those levels and I would end it. Who knows how much more he will lie and hide things from you.

[Rose Mosse]

What else is he capable of lying about or what else does he do that you don't yet know about? There are so many people out there, OP, who will lie to get you to like them better or for you to perceive them in a different way. They all end up just being issues with self-image and being insecure.

 

If he really was so vested in his commitment to you in a relationship or respected you or took himself seriously, this wouldn't be happening. If this is the first time he's lied or deceived you about something instead of being honest and dealing with the consequences or fall out, maybe you'll have a few more jolts and knocks before you really see this person for what he is. He's taking advantage of you.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Before you go any further, realize that he has a parallel life that is hidden from you and expensive.

 

There's no future in this situation. It's already riddled with lies, secret activities, your policing and a general distrust.

 

Anyone who has a secret expensive habit is someone you need to avoid . Stop pretending to be the cool GF and trying to lasso and rien in his habits.

 

Games like this are a moving target and vicious cycle. You snoop, you talk at him, he nods ok, decides to hide it better, you snoop again of course find the same stuff, are hurt, talk at him again and so on.

 

Cut your losses.

[smackie9]

What do you do???? You dump his ass.....me if I found out the first time, would be no chances at all...to the curb he would have went. Toss him...you don't need to say a thing, he will know.

 

IMO once you give them that once chance, they will take advantage.

I agree you shouldn't have to act like the cool GF..if you don't like it, you don't date them, simple as that. Not all guys do porn.

[pippy longstocking]

Even I would be a little peeved at this and I feel I am very liberal when it comes to porn in a relationship .

 

The only thing I can suggest is to ask him if he is happy with your sex life ...is he custom ordering because he wants fetish material for example ?

 

You are never going to know what he is doing without driving yourself into madness and becoming a snoopmatser . Think carefully before you go forward with this relationship . Love is supposed to be fun , happy , feel good etc etc ...this is not how you feel and I agree with others that this is not a match . Take care and think about you and what you want .

[FenixReborn]

Porn addiction is a problem that people face. If he is spending that much on multiple personalized videos, after promising he wouldn't, I'd be wondering if he has a problem.

 

The bigger issue though is the lying. He had the chance to come clean and admit he did it again, but he couldn't. He openly admitted it was cheating. He knows you don't approve and that it hurts you, and he does it anyway. Are you willing to tolerate this? Any relationship that is filled with lies and deceiving the other is not going to last and will be filled with hurt. You need to address it. Say your sorry for snooping but that you needed to know you could trust him and was hurt when you found you couldn't. Tell him you won't tolerate certain things. Try to get to why he feels he has to order those videos. If he is willing to talk it over and work things out, do it if you are okay with it. But if he refuses to change or you no longer feel that you can trust him, it' s best to step away and not put yourself through more pain.