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Should I put up of with it?


Loralora

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Hello everyone. Excuse my spelling mistakes English is my second language because I live in Europe and was born here.

 

I need to ask everyone is it me that is overreacting and crazy or is my husband shady?

 

My husband and I have been married for 11 months now.

I just had a two month old premature son born at week 32. I had an emergency c-section due to my sevre pre-eclampsia.

I was in a very critical medical condition and the doctor told me if I had not undergone that emergency c-section neither the baby or I would have survived.

 

After I had the baby I was still sick and still had to take care of the baby while being sick. The baby was in a bad condition also.

 

Lately my husband and I have been at each others throat I think taking care of this baby has taken a toll on both of us especially me because I'm at home all the time with the baby.

I feel also that my husband is not very understanding of my situation. I haven't slept as a normal person since I had the baby because I have to feed him every two hours and I can't catch up on my sleep even during the day. I dont have enough breast milk so feeding him with the formula is twice as hard.

When I tell my husband about what I go through like: I didn't sleep at all last night or omg I just had to change him again he responds by telling me :"don't complain". He's like "I have a cousin that had triplets and I never heard her complain" comments like this make me feel like he doesn't understand me.

 

To top all of this off, I just found out my mom has breast cancer and I feel he doesn't understand the emotional pain I am in!

 

We are both doctors, I am at maternity leave and my husband works a lot so I'm alone with the baby most of the time.

He has 24hour shifts very often.

 

I'LL GET TO THE POINT.

 

Since my husband and I have had some issues in the passt, I sometimes check his phone especially when he acts like an ass like he lately is acting.

 

So I checked his messages yesterday and find a message from a nurse we have had issues about in the past. They were working together during the 24h night shift and she texted him "meet me by the pulmology bulding for coffee" and he responds "ok, I'm on my way" so they had coffee in the near coffee shop during their break.

 

The reason why this bothers me is because he knows this nurse had a thing for him and even the other nurses told him that she did. He even told me that she did. So I told him that he shouldn't spent any more time than he HAS TO with her given the situation.

 

Now he tells me this is the first time in a very long time that he has had coffee with her during the coffee break. She's just a work colleague. She doesn't like him anymore. He works a lot and he has to have coffee with someone because the time doesn't pass....bla bla bla. I even have a previous post on this forum about her.

 

I told him to get out of the appartment and go to his parents house so I have time to think what I am going to do next.

I can't go anywhere with a two month old baby.

I would go to my parents house but I don't want to risk my sick mother with the corona virus.

 

I slept on the couch last night I will not sleep with him any longer.

 

He won't leave. He tells me I am over reacting and I need to chill.

 

He won't leave so I just go from one room to another trying to avoid him. He tries to make conversation asks me questions.

We are just two zombies in an apartment.

 

I don't cook for two people or make coffee for two people. So we are living apart while living together.

 

He probably thought he would get away with it.

 

So is he crazy or am I?

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Very sorry to hear this. In the face of so much stress he seems to be acting rather dismissive of your situation. It's not only about this nurse, it's more that he is making light of things and using escapism rather than being supportive. You did the right things asking him to leave for a while, so you can think things through and take care of your newborn in peace, without the strife of arguments just compounding your stress. Hope everything works out for you.

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He won't leave. He tells me I am overreacting and I need to chill.

 

So I just go from one room to another trying to avoid him. He tries to make conversation asks me questions.

We are just two zombies in an apartment.

 

I don't cook for two people or make coffee for two people anymore. So we are living apart while living together.

 

I always cooked for both of us even while I was pregnant and even worked at the same time. Now I don't do anything for him.

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Both of you will either come together or come apart in times of difficulty. What other issues do you have between the both of you? I agree he's been dismissive and callous towards you. Do your disagreements often end like this where one person is asking the other to leave? These are very heavy words. Are you prepared to end the marriage?

 

Are there any cultural differences? He seems a bit scatterbrained, lacking in empathy and not very with it for a doctor. What were the things you found endearing about him when you both first started dating?

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Well first of all, I completely understand you are upset but you shouldn't be looking at his phone. It's an invasion of his privacy. Would you like it if he was checking your phone? A person is entitled to their privacy. You need to have trust in a relationship and if you check his phone then there's no trust. If you want to know something then just ask him. You should talk to your husband openly and not just snoop in his phone.

 

Having said that, it doesn't sound like your husband is being supportive to you emotionally. I imagine he's also exhausted because he works such long shifts and then the baby keeps him awake at home too. You have to remember he's not just doing nothing while you're at home with the baby. He's working a lot and he does need rest too. But he just needs to be more sympathetic to you and supportive. Especially because your Mum has breast cancer and that's an awful thing to go through.

 

Regarding the nurse, hard to know what's going on there. He might be not interested in her and did just have a coffee because he needed to take a break. If she liked him a while ago then maybe she's over him. I mean she knows he's married with a baby so maybe she's not trying to pursue it. It would be stupid of her to pursue your husband because it won't lead to anything.

 

I guess the question is are you actually going to break up with him over this? You're married and you have a baby so maybe you need to work on your marriage. It does take work and overcoming obstacles together.

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I understand about you being tired, worn right out and exhausted. It's very tough for new moms and I sincerely empathize with you. Is there anyone at all who could help you for the time being and take the baby, even for a few hours so you could catch a nap? A sister, a friend, a trusted neighbor?

The good news is, the baby will start having better sleeps at night in the up coming months and it WILL get easier.

 

As for your husband, it's not so much about the nurse, but how he is reacting to your upset and what you're not comfortable with.

He should be respecting the fact that you don't want him hanging out with this nurse. You have very valid reasons why and I think anyone woman would feel the same about her husband not being around a nurse who has already admitted to having feelings for him at one point.

You are not crazy and the fact that he tells you to 'chill'...really is a jerk thing to say!

 

He should be trying to understand, more concerned on making YOU feel comfortable and loved, after all, you're going through a tremendous amount of stress right now!

For him to dismiss your feelings and to downplay them and not even try to be reasonable, is just terrible.

No, Lora, you're not crazy one bit. Your husband is not taking care of you properly and not taking care of your emotional needs properly.

 

His focus should be on you and the baby and not some idiot nurse at work.

I honestly don't blame you one bit for feeling like you do.

You're not wrong for feeling how you do.

 

For the time being, you need support, ACTUAL support where someone helps you with the baby and will be there for you during this stressful time.

I hope you have someone like that in your life.

He is letting you down in many ways.

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First off congratulations on your new baby. I'm sorry you had and continue to have such a hard time of it.

 

Have you talked to the doctor or nurses about your milk and the struggles?

 

Do you think you're experiencing some post partium depression?

 

Your English is very good. You explained yourself very well.

 

I think avoiding the problem, mainly leaving the room and refusing to talk will not help anything and will make things worse.

 

When you're having trouble, it's better to keep communicating, even if you need time to think... say so.. keep trying to understand each other. I don't like that you feel unsupported by your hubs. And that he told you to stop complaining.

 

next time he tries to strike up conversation, maybe you could keep calm and let him know how you're feeling.

 

So think of how you are really feeling.

 

Do you want to end your marriage? Do you want him to just try to support you more? if yes, how? how can he support you? do you need help with the baby?

 

you're going to have to decide for yourself how you feel about the nurse. And take one issue at a time. No one responds well to a pile on.

 

What would make you happiest? help with the baby? or are you really reeling from the coffee with the nurse?

 

What's really important to you? that you are assured the nurse is only a colleague? How can he help you feel better about it?

 

People respond better to our needs when they understand what they are.

 

Try not to snoop in his phone. That's just making things worse. If you look you will always find. The goal should be to not need to look because you are content in a loving, faithful relationship. Do you have c other reasons to think he is not trust worthy? that is different than coffee on a work break. you know?

 

Good luck. I hope this helped.

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Thank you for your responses everyone. The reason this nurse thing bothers me so much is because he knows he's not supposed to do it and that if I found out it would bother me and he still does it. It also bothers me that he does it at the hardest time of my life.

 

Instead of being here for me and understanding what I'm going through he does what I hate the most.

 

It also bothers me that he did it because he was sure I wouldn't find out. I haven't checked his phone is a while so he forgot I might do it again. It caught him off guard.

 

I don't want him helping me more with the baby I just want him to be more appreciative of what I do with the baby and in general, and not tell me don't complain when I simply tell him a story that happend with the baby. Like " yesterday while I was changing him he completely peed allover". A "do not complain" response in this case is completely unasked for.

 

He is being an ass in general for three weeks now and I'm tired of it. This nurse thing is all I needed for him to trigger me.

 

There is no need for him to go out with this slu*ty nurse that completely still has feelings for him or she wouldn't invite him for coffee when there are a dozen other doctors and nurses she could call.

 

Him agreeing to have a coffee with her just tells me that he probably wants to benefit something from her affection. Like have sex with her or something and hope I wouldn't find out; not be with her.

 

We're not kids all three of us know her intentions are not pure. She's not responsible for our marriage he is.

 

He told me this is the last time but I told him I don't trust you anymore because you said you wouldn't go out with her before too and you still did.

 

He told me call her and ask her if you want to and I said no I don't need to do that because she would just lie to me. And if I called her I probably wouldn't be able to control myself I'll probably say harsh words and since I am a doctor too I sometimes have to go to their unit in the future and I don't want to put myself in that kind of position.

 

Sometimes I am tempted to tell her "How about I find you a husband and then you'll maybe leave my husband alone".

 

It fascinates me that he is ready to put our marriage at rist for this nurse. This isn't the first time we've had problems about her. We've had them while we were dating and also while we were engaged. And not for him to do it again while we're married is completely unacceptable. He should have takem care of this ptoblem by now. He should be the one to make her go away not me. He obviously doesn't want to make her go away or she would have gone away by now.

 

And if I didn't snoop in his phone I would have never found out and he would have played me. I wishnI didn't have to snoop in his phone, but obviously I do.

 

I sincerely do not trust him anymore, not that I had a lot of trust before this but now I completely lost every little ounce of trust I had left for him.

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Sadly your obsession with the nurse thing is a distraction from all the real problems going on. Your mother has cancer, you had a c section premie, your marriage is rocky.

 

As long as you perseverate on nonsense no one will hear the real heartache and pain

 

It's bizarre that with all that is going on, you choose catty nonsense to focus on. At some level you realize that coffee with a nurse is not the same as your mother having cancer or having a c section premie at home but it's easier to get mad at silliness like that than deal with all the much more overwhelming stuff.

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He shouldn't be meeting the nurse for coffee given the history, Lora. I've been married and I wouldn't want my partner doing that behind my back. If he's still communicating with her, that's wrong. The worry in staying in a marriage that's deceitful, dismissive and untrusting is that it slowly starts to break down your own identity and self-worth. You're already finding his lack of better judgment eroding and affecting your judgment as a professional. Whether you can accept it just now or not, this is having a ripple effect in other areas of your life.

 

Like I said, in times of difficulty couples either come together or they fall apart. Some look for distractions because they can't handle being there for family or don't have enough conviction in their promises or commitments. Your marriage is a commitment so stepping out of those bounds and catering to the asks or requests of a third party is wrong. You need to pull back and stop wasting so much energy on a man and partner who appears to have checked out of the marriage. Stop over-spending your time and energy on this nurse and stay focused. Whatever your husband is you have to deal with that separately and limit your anger or it will consume you and affect your work. Remember that whatever is going on at home and whatever your husband is, your work and your child come first. You were a doctor or committed to this long before he came along so don't let someone else have that much power over your direction your or vocation/work. The marriage will end or it will repair itself but it does take two and if he's not willing to work with you, end it. Stop cowing down to someone who doesn't respect you and learn to separate work from personal.

 

For now, stay calm, keep a cool head and go about your work as a doctor. Come home, enjoy your time with your baby. You cannot control your partner and he will do what he wishes with or without your consent. You do however have choices so don't think of yourself as so disempowered and helpless.

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Lora.

 

"I sincerely do not trust him anymore, not that I had a lot of trust before this but now I completely lost every little ounce of trust I had left for him."

 

There isn't much more to be said then, OP. Is there?

 

What are you going to do?

 

Back in 2018 (when still unmarried) you said in response to the posters who advised you, wisely, that this marriage would be a very bad idea.

 

"the thing is that our whole familys are now tied friends everything.

 

 

In our culture breaking up an engagement is a VERY BIG deal. You are all very lucky you live in a different culture."

 

So, essentially, out of fear you went ahead and married this person anyhow, and just because your families were friends!

 

What is the worst that would have happened had you broken the engagement back then? What is the worst that (you think) will happen now if you put an end to this marriage?

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Well focusing on this is like your house burning down and instead of responding and acting to address it, you worry about how much toilet paper you have. I mean if a patient comes in in cardiac arrest would you just stand there and worry about an ingrown toenail rather than initiate life support?

 

This nurse jealousy thing is not the real stress of a dismissive partner and multiple other stressors. You seem more caught up in that he's "not allowed" to have coffee with her than the fact that your marriage is unhappy and hanging by a thread. Who knows, maybe it's easier to blame that/her for all the stress?

 

Try to step back and care for yourself, your infant and your mother.

He thought all of this would distract me and he can do whatever he wants behind my back
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Sorry about all this.

 

The impression I get is that this was a very stressful relationship to be in prior to having to confront some very real stressors. Now that life has done what life does—gotten harder—the limitations of a relationship where stress is the dominant theme and primary point of mutual bonding are becoming apparent.

 

I get how the nurse situation is a thorn—not cool of him to ignore your feelings, to behave in a way he knows will create a rub—but it's just a symptom of something larger, more corrosive, which is that you don't trust this man. And here's my big question to you: Have you ever trusted him?

 

I ask because I just can't help but think that you have found a certain kind of comfort, or control, in distrust where others find it, along with surrender, through trust. And if something was never there to begin with? It's very, very hard to restore it.

 

For the time being, I'd try to reflect a bit on that big question of trust while turning your immediate focus to yourself, your child, your mother.

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This nurse is only one of many. If it's not her, he will behave this way with someone else.

 

It's a matter of respect and if he can't respect you by staying away from the women, then it's him who is the problem.

 

Good god, if you've had to tell him this many times already to stay away from her, why on earth did you marry him or have his baby?

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I agree with everyone.

 

I thought once we would be married and with a kid he would be much more resposible and not behave the same way he sometimes did when we were engaged. There were good times also so I coudn't break it off with a few incidents and since that last time in 2018 when we had a problem with her she never came up again until now.

 

It's not that I couldn't end it with him just because our families knew each other because if it had to absolutely be done I would have no matter the circumstances.

 

Now it's harder since we're married and have a kid, but at the same time in a way it's easier to decide because it is apalling that he had coffee with her again giving the circumstances.

 

Right now I don't want to stay in this marriage. I will give it time see if he does something or see if I can regain trust in him but I have never been more dissapointed.

I have taken my wedding right off and am sleeping in the couch every night (since he's not leaving). I asked him to leave and give me some time and he won't do that. He told me he can sleep in the couch and I can take the bed but I said no; since he workes alot I let him have the bed.

 

I have no idea what to do from here on. It's all blury..

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Why don't you move out and stay with family? Taking off your ring is meaningless. It's just a passive aggressive maneuver hoping he'll notice you're upset.

 

So is playing the martyr and sleeping on the couch. It's unclear why you put him on a pedestal and put your infant, mother and yourself last.

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I also realised something..I would have to be pretty stupid to think that the last time this has happend was in 2018 and right now. This was a routine I just didn't know about. I trusted him the last time when he told me that was going to be the last time.

 

Nobody all of a sudden invites you for coffee without it being a routine. This makes me even more angry.

 

Also my dad is a doctor, my brothers are doctors they all work in the same hospital complex they could have seen him, how would that have made them feel?

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Why don't you move out and stay with family? Taking off your ring is meaningless. It's just a passive aggressive maneuver hoping he'll notice you're upset.

 

So is playing the martyr and sleeping on the couch. It's unclear why you put him on a pedestal and put your infant, mother and yourself last.

 

The reason I can't go to my parents house is becausw I have a mother with cancer and a father with two coronary arteries stents due to a myocardial inraction and I can't risk infecting them with a coronavirus because that would have been the best choice!

 

I told my dad I would like to come stay over for a week he told me to wait awhile. Not that I have the coronavirus but my husband works closely with those type of patients I could be asymtomatic but infected.

 

It's hard to go anywhere with a two month old child.

He should be the one to move.

 

I don't put my infant last. I take very good care of him.

 

Unfortunately due to the coronavirus I can't take care of my mother right now but my brother takes very good care of her

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"I have no idea what to do from here on. It's all blury.."

 

Yes, you do! (know what to do).

 

Certainly Covid is making life complicated and preventing ease of movement and dealing with practical matters.

 

Meantime, start clearing your head (blurry isn't good either professionally or in every day practical matters). You can start making a plan, write down an outline of a plan, preferably with the help of an objective third part. You don't have to annoucne the situation to the whole world.

 

This is an example of blurry:

 

" I will give it time see if he does something or see if I can regain trust in him"

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He is trying to be very attentive and nice and supportive now.

 

This morning he was at home and went and bought bread early in the morning.

 

I was making coffee for myself and he was just staring at me so I told him "what "? Should I make you coffee too and he was like ok. So I made him a coffee. Maybe that was a mistake.

He will think everything is okay now. As long as I continue sleeping in the couch he will know it isn't. This is why we shouldn't stay in the same house.

 

I'm too nice. I can't do it like this.

 

Any chance we talk I just ask him about her and he answers.

 

I know he's not telling the truth this has been going on for a while now I just didn't know about it.

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Lora. It's Monday early over here and you are already making my head spin. Lol.

 

An absolute NO to this:

 

"Any chance we talk I just ask him about her and he answers.

"

 

And forget the couch. Even if you stop sleeping on the couch (or in the car,or on the floor!) that doesn't mean things are "okay". Or whether you make him a coffee or 50 coffees.

 

All that comes under the heading "blurry", Lora.

 

The posters here are giving you good advice.

 

And btw one can be "nice" (never sure exactly what that means in any context, but anyway) and yet be clear headed and practical.

 

It isn't going to get better, OP, so you can start now by making some kind of plan.

 

And just to add, don't be even tempted to do this:

 

"Sometimes I am tempted to tell her "How about I find you a husband and then you'll maybe leave my husband alone"."

 

How immature is that, never mind how undignified. You are a professional woman of thirty-one!

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How immature is that, never mind how undignified. You are a professional woman of thirty-one!

 

That's just me fantasising when I get really really angry.

Besides it's my husband's fault. He is responsible for our marriage not her.

It doesn't mean she has no fault she is also guilty but I need to solve this with my husband not with her; I am completely aware of that.

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