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A good deed, is it genuine or used to score points??


DannyM87
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Hi

 

To help me heal and grow from a recent break up. I'm currently attempting to understand signs for future reference. Just have one question. What does it mean when somebody/partner does a genuine good deed for you, but later uses that good deed against you in an argument?

 

Its like their throwing the good deed they've done back in my face?

 

Thanks in advance.

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If you broke up you shouldn't be talking. What was this favor she did?

 

Basically it means you two are arguing about anything and everything and any interaction is riddled with resentment, contempt, a who's right/who's wrong attitude and a general one-up stand off and war.

 

Just stop the madness and end it.

What does it mean when somebody/partner does a genuine good deed for you, but later uses that good deed against you in an argument?

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Depends.

I don't think there's much value in trying figure that out if it was an isolated incident.

 

If someone makes a habit of doing nice things, keeping score and using it against you then that's a problem.

 

But I think most people have done it at least once in our lives. Not the most attractive thing to do, but it just makes us human.

Breakups bring out the worst in us sometimes. We say things out of hurt. That's all.

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That person may be upset with you for valid or invalid reasons. Without any context or history I don't think anyone can really say that it's manipulative behaviour. The thing to do is just hang back or take a step back and see how your presence or your actions/words might be contributing to the situation and just refuse to be a part of it if it's that upsetting/unhealthy/unfair to you.

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Was it one time or a repeated pattern of behavior? In the heat of the moment it's easy to grab onto anything you can and throw it back at the person, lashing out in anger and using it as a weapon to hurt them. It's not right, but it's human. If the person is genuinely sorry afterwards and tries to make up for it, working on the anger and doing their best to not have it happen again, that's one thing. But if it keeps happening then it's a sign of emotional issues that need to be addressed. Even if you are at fault for something yourself, that kind of reaction is not the right way to handle things.

 

Look at the whole picture of what the disagreement was about and how each of you responded. Was it based on the passion felt in that moment? Was it intentionally to harm the other? Was it in reasonable proportion to what the fight was about? And did you work though things rationally when you calmed down? The best way to handle a fight is to keep calm, take time apart if you need it, and then come together to have an honest, mature discussion.

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What does it mean when somebody/partner does a genuine good deed for you, but later uses that good deed against you in an argument?

 

Its like their throwing the good deed they've done back in my face?

 

Thanks in advance.

 

Hard to say without more context. It could be to 'score points,' but it could also simply be to make a point.

 

For example, if I say something like, "I always pick you up from the airport. Why can't you be available pick me up from the airport when I need you to?" I'm not trying to score points. I'm trying to get you to see how something is potentially unfair.

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A person like that is tricky, shady and complex. It's best to steer clear of those types and run for the hills. :eek:

 

I've known a sociopath. They're a sneaky lot. Sociopaths will do good deeds under the guise of their hospitality or generosity 'spell' only to expect something in return such as their need to use you, benefit from you, make you feel beholden or obligatory. By the time you discover their scheming ways, sometimes it's too late and you're entrapped in their tangled web of deceit. It is wicked, very nasty, very ugly manipulation.

 

Should you out a sociopath, they fear being discovered because they wish to continue manipulating people unbeknownst to their victims. (Sociopaths blend well in society and appear normal but they are mentally ill.) In retaliation, they will threaten you and many times, make good on their threat. Be especially careful in this Information Age. Everything can be copied, forwarded, saved and used against you if they take legal action against you. Beware. :eek: Never let your guard down.

 

Sociopaths feign innocence. They say, "See what I've done for you? Aren't I a great person? Look at my track record! I've spent money on you, wined and dined you, bought you gifts, gave my time and labor to you, did you favors and NOW YOU OWE ME." Often times they won't outright tell you that you owe them. They'll make you feel indebted towards them instead which is worse. (I come from the school of hard knocks.)

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  • 3 weeks later...

Well basically as i've explained in a previous post. We was meant to spend a weekend away together and i forgot to put arrangements in place for my kids first before booking said weekend. An honest mistake. She didnt take t that very well. So a couple of days after that particular discussion, a big text came through. Now before i continue, i want to mention that we were both reciprocal with each other and each others kids, she was brill with mine and i cant fault her for that.

in part of the message i received was "... Im not being harsh but every weekend is restricted for us because you have your kids and not once have i complained about it. Instead i give up my weekend when im off to do things with all of you and i spend my money on them. I do it through choice...."

Now, as genuine as i witnessed how good she was with my kids and she did spend money on them, but to then throw it back in my face like that for me stops being genuine and has a controlling tone to the message. I spent time and money on her kids also, made out that i dont do it either. All because i misplanned something, i just felt as though this is some sort of manipulation/guilt trip as if it was genuine, it wouldnt be even brought up in conflict to as it appears, 1 up me. Hope this makes sense??

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If you are going to date as a single dad with shared custody you are going to have to get organized an have better co-parenting skills with their mother. How does one "forget" to make arrangements for their kids?

 

Unfortunately it sounds like she's tired of being chronically disappointed by you. Why bother dating anyone with an ex you're still that attracted to? Sounds like the new women knows she's taking a back seat to your ex games.

An honest mistake.

 

"... Im not being harsh but every weekend is restricted for us because you have your kids and not once have i complained about it. Instead i give up my weekend when im off to do things with all of you and i spend my money on them. I do it through choice...."

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I think you've missed the point here mate, it's not like I forgot, I acted on impulse, I'm single and have been for 2 months, I've only just logged back on. It's besides the point as what she said was irrelevant to what the issue was, I just seen it as points scoring, it's the first time I'd not put arrangements first as I was excited to do such a thing, but to me, yes I made a small error, was the first time I'd actually made said mistake, I feel as though she brought that up to score points and get one up over me basically putting herself on a pedestal, this was all with the ex and I believe that her good deed with how she was with my kids, was undone as soon as she brought it up in a conflict to throw it back in my face that's how I seen it and I ain't into games like this, I didn't once mention what I gave up time and money wise to her kids

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I agree that her words could come off as being overblown if it was one mistake. But it may not have been playing games or manipulative. She could have really felt hurt or frustrated over losing a rare chance to be alone. Unless there was other signs or her playing games, I'd think it would have been best to address it with her and talk it over. Any relationship you are going to have will probably have stuff like this happen where one side gets hurt or mad and says something like this to the other person. No couple gets along all the time. What's important is that you talk it out together, explaining how you each feel, recognizing each others feelings, figuring out the problem, and how to better handle it an the future.

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