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Never got to the point where I have needed to post in a forum but really need some advice on this one.

 

I am deeply in love with my fiancée and she is perfect in so many ways but there is only one thing in the entire relationship that upsets me and I can’t help but feel the urge to say something but how I say it is so important as it’s a sensitive area. To cut a huge story short we only met in March this year and moved in together and the begin of lock down so we was not alone and everything has been perfect we both have a young child from

Previous relationships and are already engaged, I’m 30+ and never been engaged before but with this girl I knew within weeks of living together she was the one and things was so different to all my ex partners, we are now engaged and 2 months pregnant 🤰.... I know this is all soon and very quick but we feel like we have known each other for years and just work so well as a team but now a huge but the last few months have been very difficult for me as the Mrs during pregnancy tells me she goes off sex for the first three months and anything sex related makes her feel sick, fair enough I’m a bigger enough boy to accept this happens and it’s only a few months..... now is the butt, we have a tablet that we can watch films and things on and this table is linked to her google account which is also linked to her phone so anything she does on her phone shows in the search history of the tablet and vice reverser, so just checking the history on the tablet and see in the last week the Mrs has been watching porn when I’m out the house, I have tried to speak to her in the past about porn as I knew she watched it and tried to let her know that I’m more then happy to watch it together etc... and she kinda played it down. I believe she doesn’t want me to know as she watches quite hardcore stuff which I’m fine with but can only assume she is slightly embarrassed by it.

 

Anyway to get to the point, I am not worried about her watching porn but I am worried that she is choosing porn over me, I have been monitoring things for the past week and have tried to be intimate the last three nights and all moves was rebounded back and shut down but when I check the history she has watched porn all three days so I know it’s not that she is not in the mood it’s simple because she is preferring to watch porn and that really really hurts and upsets me..... I believed it was because maybe physical sex would be different to a little play and porn which is what I put it down to but then I did further history research and noticed this has been going on for a long time, I have a very high sex drive and could have sex every night and she does not but I’m happy with that it’s not a problem as im happy with a few times a week, looking at the history she has watched porn not a huge amount but even when I was at home and can see that days that I walked the dog or popped

To the shop within mins of being out the door she gets the porn out so it’s not even cause she just gets horny whilst I’m at work she simply prefers it to doing stuff with me and I’m not sure I can sit back and live happy like this.... I almost feel like she is cheating as I have tried a few times to get her to confess as such so I can understand why but she denies it??????

 

Basically I really need to approach this carefully because something needs to be said but how’s it said will affect her reaction, I e asked before if she prefers porn to me and she denies it and says she hasn’t watched porn for ages!!! Obv I knew different but I didn’t call her out as I put it down to be scared and embarrassed to confess. Just need to know the next steps without blowing everything up

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She mentioned to you that she abstains from sex when pregnant. Why don't you talk about that and affection in general.

 

Stop policing her. Stop tracking her online activities. Get your ego out of the way. The decrease in sex and affection is because you immediately moved in together and immediately got pregnant. Why did you do that?

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Thanks for your reply, we moved in together due to lockdown and didn’t want to be apart, after living together we knew it was right, the pregnancy was unplanned but we had discussed having another one between us but not quite this soon but neither of us can bring ourselves to abort just because the timing is wrong, is there ever a right time?

 

I completely understand the checking or activity as what you don’t know don’t hurt.

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Thanks for your reply, we moved in together due to lockdown and didn’t want to be apart, after living together we knew it was right, the pregnancy was unplanned but we had discussed having another one between us but not quite this soon but neither of us can bring ourselves to abort just because the timing is wrong, is there ever a right time?

 

I completely understand the checking or activity as what you don’t know don’t hurt.

 

To answer this bit - yes, there is. There is no "perfect" timing, but certainly signing on the dotted line before you've really taken a good look at what you're signing up for and measuring its viability over time is not wise. You're seeing why that is now; you've discovered something significant (for you) about her that's causing problems. The issue is that you've already made some very significant commitments and are going to have much harder time navigating all of this now. You learn if you work great as a team over several months, if not a couple years - not in the span of a few weeks. I think that's part of why you're feeling this so acutely now. Your (and her) expectations were unrealistic for a such short-lived relationship and reality is tapping you on the shoulder.

 

Anyway, what's done is done. She is lying to you perhaps because she is ashamed of her habit, or (erroneously) believes that hiding it is better than being honest and hurting you by admitting she does this. You already know what she's doing so it's rather pointless to try to extract a confession again. All you can really do is tell her that it hurts you to feel like she can't share this with you. Open a dialogue that way. You might not like what you hear in response, but this is why people really do need to take their time in evaluating if someone is partner material for them.

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Your usefulness is not about patrolling her private life nor is it about your stud services.

 

You are WAY of course here. Your intrusive tracking is completely unrelated to the issue.

 

The issue is the sex stalled to a crawl because of this surprise pregnancy and her SPELLING OUT to you that she doesn't want intercourse while pregnant and sick.

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It takes time to really know all the facets of a partner, which is why it's wise not to make major decisions like moving in together and getting pregnant before at least a year, because yes, it takes time for skeletons to come out of the closet, if they exist.

 

Take what she says at face value now, that feeling nauseated is the reason she doesn't want to have sex. It'll also be a while after giving birth, for her to physically heal and get in a routine when exhaustion doesn't rule.

 

Since you put the cart before the horse with this relationship, the only thing you can do now is to wait and see if the porn effects your family life and her relationship with you. If that's the case, you can ask her to attend couples counseling, since what you've done so far with communication hasn't been effective. If she refuses, go to counseling yourself to show her the importance of the matter.

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Thanks, I get that we have rushed things but we have been living together for 6 months now with a 3 year old ‘my child’ and her 1 year old and everything is perfect, we work well together, our conversations every night are brilliant and everything is perfect except this, I understand she does not want sex we have had the conversation and I’m happy to wait it out but what I want is for her to involve me, the porn is not the problem the problem is that I would rather watch it together and feel that intimacy then her watch it when I’m not around and vice versa, I suppose I’m saying is how do I approach the fact that I know and open up that I would like to do it as a couple??? Other then that everything is fine I could not be happier with my choices

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It's not the porn, it's the fact she is choosing not to have sex with you is the issue here. YOU NEED to talk to her about it, and tell her what you know. If you are going to have a marriage in the future, you better get used to having open honest communication with each other...you will learn more about each other, in turn with learn to understand each other better....then there won't be any fighting, resentment, anger, frustration, etc. The snooping, the assuming, etc is poison for any relationship. Man up and have discussions about that, and whatever else, to clear the air.

How to start? Take her hand and say "We should talk...."

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You moved in with two young kids within a month. This should not have been considered for at least two years of dating. Kids should not be meeting new partners for at least 6 months to year. Bad judgement.

 

You are also pregnant. Wow!

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Of course you got along well during the first couple of months! Most new couples do because you're so infatuated with the other person everything seems perfect. Then when real life comes in, that's when problems can arise.

 

A talk is definitely called for. And instead of snooping and getting upset when she denies, you MUST tell her you've been watching her online activity. If you're scared to tell her you snooped, well, that's just another example of why jumping into an insta-relationship is a bad idea.

 

Talk to her, and be honest.

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Here's the thing. You're Not ok with no sex. You're Not ok with her watching porn alone. You are now turning it into I just want to participate in porn.

 

Problem is you mentioned this already and she shot the idea down. Sadly you missed the entire honeymoon period of dating by jumping straight into living together, blended family and now pregnant.

 

So this has nothing to do with porn. It has to due with snooping you don't want to admit to and fast tracking yourself out of the wild bunny sex period.

the problem is that I would rather watch it together and feel that intimacy then her watch it when I’m not around and vice versa, I suppose I’m saying is how do I approach the fact that I know and open up that I would like to do it as a couple?
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Her lying about things is a big issue. Probably the only thing I'd find an issue with - not the porn itself or no sex for the moment although I can understand how upsetting this is.

 

I really don't think you should push the matter if she says she feels ill while having sex. Are both of you affectionate with each other at all? Is there a gap in your intimacy and bond(I'm speaking emotionally or mentally)?

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Okay, first of all, she's not the Mrs. Not until you go through an actual wedding ceremony and sign legal papers.

 

Secondly, around the 6 month mark is where people start showing their true colors. This is why we advise on this site to not jump head first into something until you really know this person.

You can't know them the first few months as everyone is on their best behavior and they won't show you all of their sides.

It sounds like you don't really know her as well as you think you did, at least when it comes to the sex and lying.

 

For now at least, it certainly does sound as though she's preferring porn over actual sex with you.

Why? Honestly...there are many reasons, but I can't guess. You would have to sit down with her and ask her straight out why it is she's wanting to watch porn and not have sex with you.

 

But as for all the rest, you rushed it incredibly fast and I worry for you, because it really could all come crashing down.

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I understand what's done is done but honestly what you did with this relationship to me just seems nuts. I know part of the reason why you moved in with her is COVID and I understand that was for convenience. I'm not sure about your country but here in Australia ever since quarantine started in March, people who don't live with their romantic partner were actually allowed to spend time with their partner. If your country had the same policy then why did you have to move in?

 

I just don’t understand why you were using no protection and decided to have a baby. I mean it sounds like you didn't care about pregnancy because you were having unprotected sex? If you both already have a child then what was the desperation to have a baby straight away? And to get engaged? Like you got to a point in a relationship that people get to in a year or more in only like 3-4 months. I think you're fooling yourself that you can know a person well enough in three months to marry them and spend the rest of your life with them. After only a couple of months you know someone very little. It's just not possible to know them well enough because for that you need time. And if your relationship has only ever existed in isolation then it doesn't have the makings of a "real life" relationship where you go through everything together. Your relationship has only ever existed inside the house and in a sense that's kind of artificial.

 

Regarding the porn thing, yeah I think that’s bad because she's actually lying to you. I'm pro watching porn but I think there is an issue here because she's rejecting intimacy with you and not being honest. If she's watching porn then I assume she actually is aroused and maybe masturbating. Why is she lying to you that she hasn't watched it for ages? She knows you really want sexual intimacy and if she's serious about your relationship then why doesn't she want to connect sexually? Even if she's finding intercourse uncomfortable, she could do other things. Just do whatever she feels comfortable. Obviously her sex drive is still there but she just doesn't want to do anything with you. And she's not being honest with you about it.

 

So now you can see a big issue that you were previously not aware of because you didn't even completely know this woman.

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