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6 year relationship ended, need advice. Long story.


StormShadow8

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Hello, everyone. Well, as the title says, I was in a 6 year relationship with a woman I loved dearly. A couple of weeks ago, she ended things with me. Reason being, I have been unable to hold a steady job for very long and we both were still living with our families. She said she can't wait any longer for me. She said she is not going to reconsider getting back together unless I can show her, in a reasonable amount of time, that I can find steady employment and hold on to it, and also I can get a place on my own. I definitely begged and tried to convince her I know my feet are to the fire and I will do anything I can to make both of us happy but she wasn't trying to hear it. I then asked her not to kick me out of her life completely and suggested we stay in contact so I can keep her abreast of changes I'm making. She agreed.

 

 

Since the breakup, we've had sex twice, and it was amazing both times. She began texting and calling regularly like normal for about a week, and I thought we were on the fast track to getting back together. A week ago, I was at her place and I tried to put my arms around her. She immediately took them off her and said "we're not together. I don't want to make you think we're working towards anything right now. I'm not changing my mind until you get your sh*t together". I noticed over the last few days the texts and calls had been drying up, so I called her and talked to her about it. She again reiterated that she is not changing her mind, and that she will still see me occasionally and she prefers to have sex with me rather than a total stranger, but again, until I can man up and move out, she will not consider getting back.

 

So now I'm in a place where I am absolutely racing against the clock. I'm looking furiously for good paying full time work, and I am swearing to everyone in my family tree that I will bust my butt to keep that next job, no matter how much I hate it. I've lost 15 pounds over the last few weeks and I'm looking great, practically living in the gym now. But....you all know how it is..... I'm dying inside everyday. I can't text her when I want like I have been for the last 6 years. I can't call her because I don't want to pressure her. So I sit around and suffer in silence all day and night. I blame myself for being a complete loser and not giving us the life she wanted years ago. I'm terrified she will eventually lose all interest in reconciling even when I get it together, despite her being the realest, most honest woman I've ever known. If she says something, she means it. I mean, if she was 100% totally done, all lines of communication would be severed right? She wouldn't even leave the door open for a reunion like she has if she was truly willing to end it forever.

 

I just need advice guys and girls. She's not a golddigger, but she's right. We're not getting any younger, and she needs stability. I figured because she came from a low income background, she would be okay with living average until I could find something that really made me happy. I'm stupid for thinking that. I'm just hurting really bad. She is a good woman, and she was faithful for all those years, as was I. I don't want to lose her forever.

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Sorry to hear this. How old is she? It sounds like you know what to do to get on track. She may not stick around but it will benefit you either way.

Reason being, I have been unable to hold a steady job for very long and we both were still living with our families.

 

I'm looking furiously for good paying full time work, and I am swearing to everyone in my family tree that I will bust my butt to keep that next job, no matter how much I hate it.

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Before I say our ages, I want to preface it with letting you all know that I'm not some bum who refuses to work. I have a 765 credit score and whenever I lose a job, I'm immediately looking for a new one. I just have a hard time staying at any one place because....well.....I get bored. It's a problem. I know. And it needs to stop, irrespective of whether we get back together or not.

 

She has a college degree from FSU. However, she has been working at the same rinky dink job for the last 4 years, topping out at 15+ an hour. When I do get a job, I make more than that starting off. But I understand the rules. The man must provide, he must lift his family up, he has to be the figurehead of stability.

 

She is 32 going on 33 and Im 36.

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Cut the sex and it's time to go your separate ways for real and make it final.

 

She ran out of patience and tolerance. "Love doesn't pay the rent."

 

Both of you need to move on. I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

Hope good things happen to you during your job search.

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Sorry to hear of your troubles regarding steady work. With everything going on this has become so very difficult right now too. I do hope you're able to find something and get back on your feet financially.

 

That being said...

 

She said she is not going to reconsider getting back together unless I can show her, in a reasonable amount of time, that I can find steady employment and hold on to it, and also I can get a place on my own. I definitely begged and tried to convince her I know my feet are to the fire and I will do anything I can to make both of us happy but she wasn't trying to hear it. I then asked her not to kick me out of her life completely and suggested we stay in contact so I can keep her abreast of changes I'm making. She agreed.

 

Since the breakup, we've had sex twice, and it was amazing both times. She began texting and calling regularly like normal for about a week, and I thought we were on the fast track to getting back together. A week ago, I was at her place and I tried to put my arms around her. She immediately took them off her and said "we're not together. I don't want to make you think we're working towards anything right now. I'm not changing my mind until you get your sh*t together". I noticed over the last few days the texts and calls had been drying up, so I called her and talked to her about it. She again reiterated that she is not changing her mind, and that she will still see me occasionally and she prefers to have sex with me rather than a total stranger, but again, until I can man up and move out, she will not consider getting back.

 

Ultimatums and games like this do not come from people who truly care and love you. I would walk away if somebody gave me such ultimatums, especially so after beginning mind games with the sex followed by everything else you've mentioned. She's getting her cake and eating it too, all on her terms. This feels like really disrespectful behaviour to me.

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So if she continued with the sex and the texting would you still be looking for work?

 

It seems like you only decided to get it together after she broke up with you. Did you plan to go from job to job and live with your family forever? Did you expect her to be OK with it forever?

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Yes, this is a huge wake up call for me. Even if she were to change her mind overnight and tell me she's willing to give it another try, I'd still be out there motivated like a madman. She told me I became way too complacent and she was right. I'm tired of living this way. I know I need to make a major move and I needed to do it yesterday.

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What country are you from? I'm actually not any kind of feminist or anything but I don't like gender roles. We're in the 21st Century and these comments like "the man must provide" are kind of bs. Your girlfriend is a hypocrite because she's in literally the same position as you, but she thinks only you are obliged to do something about it. Why? Because you're a guy? That's ridiculous! The very things she's blaming you for she's doing herself. She's 33 years old and she still lives with her parents too. She has a college degree but instead works a low paying job. If she looks down on this from you then why doesn't she herself want to change? There is no excuse just because she's a woman.

 

Regarding you getting bored and losing all your jobs. Yes it's very unattractive. To me what would be unattractive is that my partner is unreliable and can't be responsible. Even if someone worked as a cleaner for many years is more attractive than someone who constantly keeps job hopping. Because the cleaner shows commitment to their job and that they are a reliable employee who can keep the job. I think most women would have a problem with this so you do need to change this. But it's not because you're a guy and you have to be the breadwinner and so on. I think this type of thing would look equally as bad for a woman.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Feels like the rug was pulled from under me.

 

The last couple weeks were going great. I have been losing weight, working out, running. Getting healthy for her. I look and feel 10x more amazing than before we broke up. I started cooking for her, something I've never done before. Making healthy stuff for her. She was so happy to have me doing that. We started seeing each other a lot more. Our bond was getting stronger. Even though we were still separated it was like we were repairing our relationship. We were doing so good we started looking at houses together. She even told me via text that she's trying to save more money because "we" are looking for a home soon.

 

Everything was going good. Then a couple nights ago, we got intimate and she started feeling pain for some reason. So I stopped and just laid there for awhile. Before I left her home, she wanted to try again and it still hurt her. So I got dressed and left. I noticed before I left she got really quiet and had this solemn look on her face, like something was really bothering her. I texted her yesterday morning and she didn't respond to anything until about 4 hours later. I knew something was wrong, but she wanted to hang out anyway so I just ignored it.

 

So last night we're out and about, she tells me she's hungry. I offered to make some chicken so we can save money and eat healthy, but she tells me she is hungry now and can't wait. So I said fine let's get Papa John's. Ok. It just got so much worse after that. I put the pizza on her back seat but I forgot she likes to put any food on her car floor. Luckily there was a towel in the backseat so it wasn't a big deal.

 

We went back to my house and started eating. I threw on a movie and I went to lay on the couch while she was still at the dinner table eating the food. While I'm on the couch and the movie is playing, I started checking my phone and browsing the internet. She started getting annoyed and asked me to put the phone away. I said ok, but I picked it back up again and she got pissed. I finally threw the phone on the floor and was like ok I'm sorry, no more.

 

So she comes over to the couch and I moved to the floor to give her some space. However, the movie was so boring I started dozing off. She got visibly annoyed and started giving me this angry face. So the movie ended and she tells me she's leaving. But before she leaves she tells me that she wants more separation going forward. She feels like the more we see each other, the more things go wrong. I was blindsided. I asked her what happened?

 

She said I'm getting complacent again. Now that I started seeing her more often, I started going back to old habits like looking at my phone all the time and not being "in the moment" when we're together. Also there was pizza oil that spilled onto her seat and she told me if she wasn't so distracted with me she would have had me put the pizza on the floor like she always does. Also if she hadn't been so concerned about how I feel she wouldn't have been in pain from trying to force sex the other night.

 

I just couldn't believe it. We were planning for a home, she was so into me like never before due to all the weight I lost, we were budgeting for the future, everything was going great. Then all of a sudden.... it's over. No more sex, no more cooking for her, she just wants to let it end. I'm just so hurt now. Things were looking great. I don't know if she's just frustrated and saying these things or if she means it. She said she means it but that's happened before. I'm just so lost. I want to drive across the country and leave everyone behind. God help me.

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I'm not sure why you think a few weeks is going to result in huge life changes - I think she's looking for excuses not to be your girlfriend although she enjoys being sexual with you.

 

I do think aside from your relationship it's crucial that you find a way to hold down a job despite being "bored" - in quotes because my sense is your standards of what will motivate you to do a day's work might be unrealistic.

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Unfortunately, it seems like staying separated/broken up may be the best option. You can't even "date" without ignoring each other zoning out in your old separate worlds.

 

It sounds like you annoy and bore each other to death.

I threw on a movie and I went to lay on the couch while she was still at the dinner table eating the food. While I'm on the couch and the movie is playing, I started checking my phone and browsing the internet. She started getting annoyed.
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Someone who keeps blowing hot and cold and threatening a complete break up is showing you he/she already has one foot out the door. It's not your job to try to convince someone that that person should stay. Always remember that. If you put in work for yourself on yourself, you do it for you. No one else. Take a time out and a breather for yourself. It's one thing to fight or have an argument or a tiff but it's another to threaten another break up as if it's end of the world - all very hurtful. I think you both could have communicated better... unfortunately hindsight is always 20/20.

 

From the evening I have a few thoughts: There's an undercurrent of wanting to please her and having to jump through a lot of hoops and prove yourself to this person. That lack of self-confidence overall or being a people pleaser towards her is so unhealthy. Keep telling yourself that you deserve happiness also and if it means not watching a movie or doing something differently, you're entitled to that also or at least talking about it as a couple. I think what she's sensing overall is that you're not being your authentic self around her, going through with things that don't appeal to you and then doing things that appear inappropriate. What you should be doing is being more honest with yourself and not being afraid to express yourself around her. What she should be doing is not targeting you for your lack of expression. I think she's frustrated overall and also has trouble expressing herself. Both of you aren't communicating very well with each other.

 

I don't think checking your phone once or twice during a date night would have been such a problem if it wasn't during the movie. It just showed to her that you weren't quite in it which is confusing to the other person if watching a movie was your idea in the first place. I hope you see what I mean about being a people pleaser or working up the courage to do things differently if certain things don't appeal to you. There very well may be some things she likes to do and you aren't too hot about and vice versa. It's give and take but making sure to honour and respect that about each other and that quality time together.

 

Either way, as I mentioned earlier, leave it for now and don't stand up for that hot/cold reaction from someone or tolerate it when someone keeps breaking up with you multiple times. This relationship is over. Have some self-respect and honour yourself. Tell yourself that this wasn't perfect and neither were both of you but you deserve to find happiness and enjoy the company of someone who values you. I think you need to do some work on being more genuine and authentic in a relationship - all very hard especially when we are feeling low and confused about what's going on. I think you'll get the hang of this in time as soon as you get out of this environment where someone is constantly frustrated and angry with you and away from the constant threat of 'the end' or multiple break ups. It is always a two-way street and it takes two to tango. I wouldn't approach her at all anymore, if you can help it. Gain closure for the relationship but don't keep seeking the company of someone who shows you that your company is something they can (repeatedly) do without.

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Unfortunately, it seems like staying separated/broken up may be the best option. You can't even "date" without ignoring each other zoning out in your old separate worlds.

 

It sounds like you annoy and bore each other to death.

 

It's not that she bores me. I just have a constant need to read stuff on the internet. I'm always reading something. Always. I do love being around her. I just have trouble with being distracted by my phone.

 

So she left a gift for her brother in my backseat. I texted her and told her about it. She offered to come by and pick it up, so I said sure. I apologized for being on my phone last night and told her I know that's something that needs to change. She texted back and said she was sorry too (for blowing up and saying hurtful things), and she said we both have things we need to work on. I'm not sure if she means that in a way that relates to us as a couple or if she was just apologizing as a courtesy. I don't want to ask about it because I know that will just piss her off.

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