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There's nothing wrong with being friends with someone. If you enjoy talking to each other, talk to each other. If you have things in common or similar interests, why not ask about them? Just keep a clear idea of what you feel is crossing the line, and don't cross it. You sound very reasonable and respectful of his relationship. So don't feel too bad, you haven't done anything wrong.

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I disagree that flirting and sending pictures of himself is not doing anything wrong. I have to wonder if he mentioned the girlfriend because she "caught" him and insisted he mention her to the OP.

 

Kim, you know this isn't going to do anything positive for you. Continuing to flirt and exchange pics is going to convince you there is a "connection" and that's just pointless. I think your approach of how you plan to deal with it if he tries again is a good one.

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"You haven't done anything wrong," in reference to Kim's actions. She was friendly towards another person and once she new he had a girlfriend, ensured that it didn't go to far. She's has handled herself well and been honest and mature throughout. As for him, we really know nothing about his relationship. The pictures aren't of an inappropriate nature. And for all we know, his girlfriend might be fine with silly comments or flirting as long as it doesn't go anywhere else. There are a lot of very open people out there who don't mind if you look, just don't touch so to speak.

 

Kim, listen to your heart. Do what you feel is right for you. If you can maintain a friendship with him, you should. If you think it's going to be too much, then stop. As long as you are comfortable and happy with your decision, that's what counts.

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Don't agree with your, Felix. She knew he had a girlfriend, she inappropriately talked with him in great detail and at length. She has feelings for him that are romantic.

 

She was getting close to this man in a romantic sense and it had nothing to do with friendship whatsoever.

 

Why is it wrong? He has girlfriend! A decent, respectful person does not get close to someone else's partner...ever! There is no justifying it and it will never be okay.

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Example - a few years ago I met a man at a museum. We were in the museum playroom with our children. He was also with his mother in law -his wife was home not feeling well. My husband was not there. We all chatted as our children played together. They had a great time. I have a lot in common with him -in fact in some ways more than his wife. We decided we should stay in touch so our kids could play together again -he told me to look him up on linkedin. (I think we had to leave quickly so no phone numbers exchanged).

 

I didn't see him initially on linkedin -to me that's safe -it's a professional site and no one could really misinterpret a contact on that site. I then found him on Facebook and paused. Facebook seemed too personal. So I found his wife on Facebook and private messaged her - told her who I was, told her I'd love to meet her and get our kids together. We did - and after these few years when I've seen her husband, yes, we have more in common -we click more -I like the wife too and we've become friends. 99.9% of my contact with the family is with her, only have contacted him maybe once when I could not reach her and there was a reason. When we're all together I speak with both of them. But treat her as my primary friend/connection. I knew right away I should establish that overly cautious boundary. This is the kind of blueprint I suggest when you know someone is taken.

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Batya - that’s a very classy and respectful way of dealing with such situation. The thing is I had no idea this guy was taken, he didn’t tell me, he didn’t tell anyone in the office. Because he didn’t mention a wife/gf, I thought he was single. He mentioned his parents, family, friends, he even sent me a pic of his house, saying this is where I live. Maybe I was naïve, but I genuinely thought he was single.

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I think what people mean is, once you did your Google investigation and found out he had a girlfriend you continued to engage with him and attributed it to feeling a "connection" and being lonely. You put the onus on him to stop engaging with you and since he continued you went along with it instead of ending the personal contact.

 

Even now you are kind of just waiting to see what he does. You say you have to engage with him for work reasons, but why would work require you to use your personal contact info to communicate with a coworker? You could simply remove his ability to contact you via your personal email, phone, etc.

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Bolt – yes, that’s true, I was talking about the period before I googled him. I can’t talk much about our work arrangements as far as communication but because we are all working remotely again, we are using our phones to communicate, besides other apps.

 

I ended the Friday conversation right after he mentioned his gf, which wouldn’t happen before. He can reach out if he has work-related questions though, we handle similar clients/cases so it’s not like I could block him or ignore his requests.

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I think what people mean is, once you did your Google investigation and found out he had a girlfriend you continued to engage with him and attributed it to feeling a "connection" and being lonely. You put the onus on him to stop engaging with you and since he continued you went along with it instead of ending the personal contact.

 

Even now you are kind of just waiting to see what he does. You say you have to engage with him for work reasons, but why would work require you to use your personal contact info to communicate with a coworker? You could simply remove his ability to contact you via your personal email, phone, etc.

 

Yes that is what I meant.

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I think you're still struggling, just a touch, to be totally honest with yourself here.

 

In your last thread you made it clear that you came to suspect he had a girlfriend when he mentioned "we" in a text to you. So you had an "idea," after just a handful of pretty tepid exchanges, that he was romantically involved with someone. Then Google confirmed the idea.

 

In other words, the hard fact here is that you have spent very little time interacting with this man with "no idea this guy was taken." Kind of the opposite, actually. The idea that he was taken—first vague, then clear—has dominated the bulk of your memorable interactions with him compared to the time spent "genuinely thinking he was single."

 

I'm not saying this to "call you out," but just to encourage you to see it all, and yourself, a bit more clearly. That's how you end up handling things differently in the future, since you are destined to have some bummer moments when you come across other people you find compelling who turn out to be involved with others.

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Unavailable people seek out unavailable people. It's that simple. Playing a "safe" games where it can't go further and will stay in the flirty fun attention stage is an alternative to finding a real bf.

 

So this has nothing to do with him or people dressing you down as if you need to walk around with a red A for "adulteress" on. Just reflect on why unavailable men appeal to you so much.

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I think you're still struggling, just a touch, to be totally honest with yourself here.

 

I agree with you, Blue.

 

You're still trying to downplay, dismiss, justify how it all went and push the blame on him. After you googled and found out he had a girlfriend, you should have stopped.

 

You need to own up to what you did, Kim and how you behaved. Flirt and get close to all the men you want, but don't do it if they are already taken to any degree at all.

Make certain they are 100% single, not married, not a girlfriend, not separated, not confused etc...but 100% totally single BEFORE you get romantic ideas.

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There could be some truth to that, Wiseman, but you have to consider too that there are other people's feelings involved here, namely the girlfriend and what Kim did, is not okay.

 

Hurting another woman by cozying up to her boyfriend/husband, whether she knows it, or not, is not only disrespectful but slightly evil. Those kinds of actions could potentially destroy someone.

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Blue – you are right, most of the texting happened after I found out he was taken. What I was trying to say is that I didn’t know he had a gf when he was at our office and when he started to text me shortly after he left. Him dropping the ‘we’ made me google him, and my big mistake was replying to his random messages once he reached out again.

 

I’m not trying to downplay what I did, I just tried to explain that I started to like him when I thought he was single, and I think that’s why it was harder to ignore his messages later.

 

Sherry, I know I should have stopped, I mention it at the very beginning. I’m not trying to push the blame on him, and I know this will come across as justifying myself, but I didn’t ask him out again, I didn’t even say I like him or something. I think I’m open to all advice here, but you’re trying to make it sound as if I tried to do something to steal him from his gf.

 

Wise – good point, I might need to start from there.

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Power comes from owning your actions. That doesn't mean you need to hang your head in shame for the rest of your life but it does mean accepting that you chose to do what you did regardless of what HE chose to do.

 

It's worrisome because the next time you're lonely or imagine you have a "connection" with a man you might be vulnerable to the same thing happening again. So taking your power and telling yourself "Yes, I chose to do this. It was wrong, but I'm a good person who will choose better next time" can be tremendously helpful.

 

And if his girlfriend didn't put him up to telling you about her (I suspect she did) he will try again. So instead of worrying how it will make you feel, decide to shut it down before it starts. Ignore any personal contact and only respond to business. If he asks why, let him know you prefer to keep communication strictly about work. If he tried to bulldoze through your boundaries just repeat yourself. If he has any kind of brain he will figure it out.

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Blue – you are right, most of the texting happened after I found out he was taken.

 

So, linking this to what Wise said, it seems safe to say that the fact that he was taken—or unavailable—was critical component of the connection. Great. Something to be aware of—that you are at a juncture in life where unavailable has a certain level of appeal—so you're less vulnerable to it, less prone to indulge in that in a way that makes you feel icky.

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so you're less vulnerable to it, less prone to indulge in that in a way that makes you feel icky.

 

Lol..you're talking to her like she's a baby. She's a fully grown woman who was scamming on another woman's partner.

 

Whether she's ready for a serious relationship, or not, or commitment phobic, still is no justification for trying to get with someone else's man.

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Thank you Blue and Bolt, I definitely have something to think about, I don’t want this to happen again.

 

Sherry – I wrote something but after seeing your last comment, I just deleted it, I don’t think my explanation would make sense to you.

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If you read the beginning of the thread, you'll see I admitted that it was my fault too. I know this was a mistake. Did this conversation open my eyes? For sure, and I'm glad people are discussing what I did because it helps me to grow.

I also asked everyone not to be too harsh with me, because as it silly as it soudns, this made me sad.

I've been here for a while now, I usually like your comments, but not so much in this thread :upset:

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I suppose if you had said, "I found out he was in a serious relationship and ended out chats for good", then it wouldn't have grated on me so much. But the fact that you said you spoke to him even more and continued to romantically like him, well....that's just immoral, in the nicest way to say it.

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