This man

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he enjoyed chitchatting with a coworker. Nothing evil or cheating. So you had a little crush on someone at work and enjoyed chatting. No big deal.

[boltnrun]

IMO this is inappropriate:

"this week he started to flirt more, he even sent me a picture of himself (again, no nude photos). We didn’t text every day, but he would reach out a few times during the week, and we’d talk for hours."

 

I have no idea if he told his girlfriend that he was flirting and talking for hours with you. He may have. But it becomes problematic for you because you are calling it a "connection" and are feeling "sad" that you can't in good conscience continue to flirt and talk for hours with him.

 

As for not knowing what to do, simply be less available. And if he flirts, do not respond. Only respond to work-related topics and ignore the rest. Pretend you didn't even see it.

[kim42]

Wise, I don't think it was just innocent chitchatting. If you read my previous thread about this guy, I met him when he visited our office in July. Nothing physical ever happened, but we quickly found out we have many things in common.

When I chat with other coworkers, it's a short convo once in a while. I would talk to this guys for 5 hours sometimes, he even wanted to call me.

The flirting was subtle but it was there.

[SherrySher]

Wiseman, you're sweet for trying to downplay the situation but in truth, it's not okay.

 

Kim, there are loads of guys out there. Stay away from this one. He's not yours to have.

 

I know you know this, I know lots have now said the same to you. I really do hope you change your ways. One of these days it could get you into a lot of trouble not to mention the heartache it will bring. A man who is already involved, will only bring massive complications and heartache.

 

If you can't cut him off completely, then only speak to him on a professional level with no undertones of flirty or friendly. Keep it business and no more.

 

Just turn the tables...what if he was your boyfriend and while you were gone, this is what he was doing behind your back. Chatting up some other girl from work and flirting, being all cute with her, getting more and more personal.

 

Do you really think he's a nice guy to treat women this way and behave this way? Cause from where I'm sitting he's an ass. I wouldn't give him the time of day once I found out he had a girlfriend. I'm not attracted to cheaters.

[Hollyj]

If you are flirting with someone, it is cheating. Would you have been ok if a bf had been doing this?

[kim42]

Thanks Sherry, I appreciate your comment. It's true that he was basically pretending he was single until yesterday. If I didn't know already, it would have been a shock for me.

Holly - for me cheating is more of a physical thing, but I'm aware of emotional cheating too. We were never sexting or sending each other naked pics, but we become closer and it's true it's not fair to his gf.

[Hollyj]

Emotional cheating is just as bad. It doesn't just have to be sexual, if flirting and feelings are attached. How would you have felt if your bf had been doing this?

[boltnrun]

I'm curious to know how you justified it to yourself.

 

You said you've been cheated on. I presume you remember how that felt. So I wonder why you excused yourself in this case.

 

What's your plan for the next time he messages you non-work related?

[kim42]

Holly - of course I wouldn't like it if my bf was talking this much to another woman. I know it was wrong, I didn't post here to defend myself, I just needed to get it off my chest so I can move on.

[kim42]

Bolt - yes, I remember how it felt when my ex was making out with random girls at the club. I think this is slightly different though, I didn't touch this guy. Not defending myself, just saying.

When he reached out again I thought it could be a distraction at work, I didn't think we'd get so personal. We like the same things, have the same sense of humor, it was very easy to bond over the stories we shared I guess.

I honestly don't think he'll message me again anytime soon unless it's work stuff. I think he decided to back off and that's why he mentioned his gf yesterday.

[boltnrun]

But what's your plan for if/when he does?

[Hollyj]

Holly - of course I wouldn't like it if my bf was talking this much to another woman. I know it was wrong, I didn't post here to defend myself, I just needed to get it off my chest so I can move on.

 

You seemed to be downplaying it, by saying that you did not consider it cheating. Emotional cheating is just as bad!

 

Use this time to address why you did this, and also expand your social activities.

[Wiseman2]

Agree, he too may have felt that a work crush and lots of chats was starting to get to his conscience. Don't beat yourself up over it. You both stopped before things got out of hand and you caught feelings or he did anything worse.

I think he decided to back off and that's why he mentioned his gf yesterday.

[kim42]

Bolt - if he starts to chat about random stuff again, I think I'll just tell him it's not appropriate to continue talking.

[boltnrun]

Bolt - if he starts to chat about random stuff again, I think I'll just tell him it's not appropriate to continue talking.

 

That's nice & simple. He may object, but you don't have to continue just because he objects. You can still say no.

[bluecastle]

Not much to say here that hasn’t been said. In the annals of human missteps I see this more as a stubbed toe than a face plant—on your end, on his, whatever his deal. Happens. Happened.

 

But in terms of a takeaway? Maybe reflect, a bit, on the difference between attention and connection, and then figure out which is more important to you.

 

In this case, it was attention. Not sure what’s up with the guy you’re seeing but not that into, but if the best part is attention (again at the expense of connection) it’s worth thinking about, as attention is to connection what cigarette smoke is to breathing. Gets in the way of it, good as it can feel in the moment.

[kim42]

Hi Blue, not sure I completely understood the attention-connection thing.

The guy I'm seeing now seems only interested in a casual fling and we don't have much in common.

[SherrySher]

I agree with Holly, you keep downplaying the emotional cheating. You don't need to touch a man to be doing something wrong with him if he has a girlfriend already.

 

It wasn't your place to get close to him....at all.

 

Do it to the wrong woman, have her find out and you will find you for yourself how much upset you will cause or have caused.

You're lucky his girlfriend hasn't caught wind of it, yet.

[SherrySher]

"I dont think tho that 2 people talking is cheating , even if its in person and even if they are ex."

 

Well, yes it is, because the content of your talk involving you being angry about his hiding the fact he had a gf from you. And now, he's going to explain about why he didn't tell you. That's emotional talk involving your attachment to him and the strength of feelings. That's having an emotional affair, especially when you admit you want him back.

 

It's always wrong if you two wouldn't say those things in front of his girlfriend. It's means you're crossing boundaries.

 

He's showing by his behavior that he's the type of person who will cross boundaries. If you two got back together, his poor ethics show that he would welcome an emotional affair with his ex, and they could speak often, just as he does with you. Don't think you'd be so special as to be exempt from that behavior by him if you two got back together.

 

I wanted to re-post a write up Andrina did, because it explains so well on why emotional cheating or 'just chatting'...is not okay with anyone who already has a partner.

[bluecastle]

Hi Blue, not sure I completely understood the attention-connection thing.

 

Well, on one hand you write this: "I haven’t had this kind of connection with a man in a while."

 

And on the other? This connection required you—not him—to deceive yourself. You "pretended" to not know something you knew—that he had a girlfriend—to such an extent that when he mentioned her you were "shocked." I find that curious, honestly.

 

To my eyes, at least, that is not really the stuff of connection. It is enjoying attention, finding ways to make that attention enjoyable and expandable, then getting frustrated when those ways prove unsustainable.

 

I don't say this in a tsk-tsk tone, to be clear, since I know words on screens have their limitations. I've stumbled around way too much to do that, and I really don't think this is some chapter to spin out in a shame hole over. Just saying it so, moving forward, it's kind of easy to nip this stuff in the bud or find the actual thing that's of value—attention, say—in a paradigm that doesn't require the self-deception.

[Tinydance]

Off hand comment but I just recently participated in this Reddit gift exchange for sloths. And while I was shopping for my giftee, I actually got really into sloths. As a gift I got s really cute stuffed sloth from my Secret Santa. Then I also bought myself lots more sloth things. I'm really going through a sloth phase! Lol

 

Anyway, regarding this guy. I think the best thing you can do is just completely stop talking. You don't actually need to explain why. I understand the isolation loneliness because I'm in exactly the same boat. It does make you do stupid things that maybe you wouldn't normally do. However as you know, you need to put an end to it. If you want to meet guys then maybe meet guys on online dating. There are so many guys out there that it's not possible you can't connect with any of them. This guy with a girlfriend is not the only guy you can click with. There's no need to continue talking to him because there are plenty of other guys out there who are single.

[kim42]

Blue - the connection developed, at least on my end, before I googled he had a gf. But I know what you mean. This will probably sound silly and I'm sure some people will roll their eyes but it was easier to 'pretend' he was single because he didn't mention her. I know it was dumb to create this fantasy in my head.

I said I would have been shocked the moment he finally mentioned her if I hadn't already known about it.

I'll make sure not to get involved in this situation again, I felt really down on Friday.

[kim42]

Tinydance - sloths are the best, you should google the Sloth appreciation society, they're doing amazing things😁 (I still don't have the sloth emoji on my phone 😢)

 

I don't know if you read the entire thread, or the previous one about this guy, but we work for the same company (luckily in a different office) so I might need to talk to him about work from time to time. I know he's not the only one out there, thank you for understanding the loneliness thing, I felt like some people here didn't really get it.

[Batya33]

Blue - the connection developed, at least on my end, before I googled he had a gf. But I know what you mean. This will probably sound silly and I'm sure some people will roll their eyes but it was easier to 'pretend' he was single because he didn't mention her. I know it was dumb to create this fantasy in my head.

I said I would have been shocked the moment he finally mentioned her if I hadn't already known about it.

I'll make sure not to get involved in this situation again, I felt really down on Friday.

 

I hope you are feeling better. Of course it's easier to pretend. That's why I gave the food temptation analogy above.

[bluecastle]

I hear you, kim, and hope you’re feeling better.

 

We all step on banana peels here and there. I have two three year relationships that reside in my mind as that, a needed slip to slip further into my truer, higher self. This is that, all in all. Head high, as the great catfeeder says.