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Have you considered dating someone else and giving this person a miss? You may be having some tunnel vision and limiting yourself.

 

I've never been good at getting out there and dating, and to be quite honest, I really never connect with women "romantically", just platonically. I've just never found anyone. And now with the pandemic, it's even harder to meet people, and will be for a while.

 

I know it would probably be the "smartest" choice to just swallow this and never pursue it, and that may very well end up being what I do. It's just so hard, because she and I actually seem to have such a good connection. I've never really felt a bond with someone the way I do with her. And I like it. And because I never find that "bond" with anyone else, it's difficult to just let it go. So, I dunno.

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I've never been good at getting out there and dating, and to be quite honest, I really never connect with women "romantically", just platonically. I've just never found anyone. And now with the pandemic, it's even harder to meet people, and will be for a while.

 

I know it would probably be the "smartest" choice to just swallow this and never pursue it, and that may very well end up being what I do. It's just so hard, because she and I actually seem to have such a good connection. I've never really felt a bond with someone the way I do with her. And I like it. And because I never find that "bond" with anyone else, it's difficult to just let it go. So, I dunno.

 

Why not just do what I had suggested earlier? Don't over complicate, just ask a light simple question - has she ever considered you and her or would she? No matter the answer, it won't ruin your friendship or make things weird between you. I am actually speaking from experience here. I've had guy friends ask that, I wasn't interested, but it was such an easy way to say no and we stayed friends. They went on to date other women. It will release you from this anxiety filled situation.

 

At the end of the day, the more you drag your feet on this, the more likely the right woman for you is passing you by unnoticed because your focus is somewhere else. At the same time, if this one is the right one, then you two can carry on to a relationship. For you, knowing which way the wind is blowing is a win/win. Stop over thinking this.

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I've never been good at getting out there and dating, and to be quite honest, I really never connect with women "romantically", just platonically. I've just never found anyone. And now with the pandemic, it's even harder to meet people, and will be for a while.

 

I know it would probably be the "smartest" choice to just swallow this and never pursue it, and that may very well end up being what I do. It's just so hard, because she and I actually seem to have such a good connection. I've never really felt a bond with someone the way I do with her. And I like it. And because I never find that "bond" with anyone else, it's difficult to just let it go. So, I dunno.

 

I see the dilemma. It's not easy getting over a crush or someone you like. See how it goes and how things unfold.

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At the end of the day, the more you drag your feet on this, the more likely the right woman for you is passing you by unnoticed because your focus is somewhere else. At the same time, if this one is the right one, then you two can carry on to a relationship. For you, knowing which way the wind is blowing is a win/win. Stop over thinking this.

 

I really just haven't decided what to do, to be honest. I would like to float the idea, but I'm also scared of losing the friendship.

 

Either way, I can't do anything any time soon, because the breakup is still too recent. So, I have to wait for a while no matter what. Which, unfortunately, will only make my anxiety over the whole thing even worse, because I'll be stewing over it for the next several months while she's moving on from him.

 

Still, I'm not overly concerned about "missing the right woman" while this is going on, because I'm not meeting anyone new right now, nor will I be meeting anyone new in the foreseeable future, so what am I really missing out on?

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Sonic, I see a lot of myself in you. The over-thinking and analyzing everything. The wondering if she's ready and has moved on. While I applaud your reasons, I worry you'll worry about this too much and miss your chance. I've been there. So, how recent is this breakup? I know some will say it takes months and months to get over a relationship, but it may not be as long as you think. Please, don't drive yourself crazy over this for months on end and build it up in your head. Try to just enjoy your time together and go with the flow. Be playful, have fun. Even be a little flirty (it can come naturally if you're thinking about it). If she is enjoying herself and hasn't shown any signs of still being hurt, casually bring stuff up like DancingFool suggested.

 

Ironic, for someone names Sonic, I'm worried you'll go too slow. :tongue:

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This really is a very touchy situation. You would be risking it all.

 

If you admit your feelings to her and she doesn't feel the same, things can never go back to the way they were and you more than likely won't remain friends, or at least not close friends like you are now.

 

Yes, there is a chance that she might feel the same way you do, but unless she's given you even a small clue that she feels the same, it's a good chance that you're friend zoned.

 

It's really up to you whether you take the risk, or not. As long as you're aware of the consequences.

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So, how recent is this breakup?

 

It's been about a month, now. Though, he only just moved out of their place and away to out of state two weeks ago. I'm also not sure how long she's been unhappy prior to ending things with him, so I don't know how that factors in.

 

It's strange, because about three weeks ago, while she and I have been texting, she basically stopped talking about him at all to me, and she's just been acting chipper and upbeat to me. Which, I mean, yeah, she's probably just putting on that face, but from what I've known of her, she's never been shy about telling me about how she's feeling about things or what's on her mind, so "putting on a front" to me doesn't seem characteristic of her, from what I know.

 

 

Yes, there is a chance that she might feel the same way you do, but unless she's given you even a small clue that she feels the same, it's a good chance that you're friend zoned.

 

The thing is, I don't even know what such "clues" would look like. I do feel that she has some sort of elevated "attachment" to me, but I don't know what the extent of that is. I don't know if it's a "I really like having you in my life and would be open to exploring that further" kind of attachment, or a "You're my closest friend, like a brother to me" kind of attachment. I just don't know how to read it.

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Unfortunately, you seem to be choosing someone unavailable because you don't really want to date anyone.

 

If you did, that would have happened a long time ago. This is the perfect opportunity for you to continue that trend.

 

I suppose that's one way to look at it. But, my inability to date goes back before I ever met her, so it's not like my dating life has been on hold because of this for years, or something. And I mean, with the current pandemic, it's not really going to be super feasible to meet new people for a while, anyway.

 

I dunno. I just wish I was better at reading things with her to know if it's an okay risk to take. I mean, does it speak to anything that she's comfortable spending time with me one on one? I used to hang out with she and her ex at their house almost every week. I haven't seen her since before the breakup, but she's having me over tomorrow, and also again on Saturday for a thing with her family. She seems excited to spend time with me, but I don't know if that's just because it's been about a month, or what. I know she likes having me around, and it's not like she has other guy friends she's hanging out with like she is with me.

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If she comes on to you (or hits on you) are you going to trust that it's genuine or a rebound?

 

I trust that she cares too much about me to "use" me. That much I am confident in saying. She would never "use" me or mistreat me. Heck, she may be just as "afraid" of ever pushing me out of her life as I am of pushing her out. Or at least pretty close to it.

 

Hypothetically, if she did "come on to me" at any point this weekend, I'd probably try to first have a discussion with her about where she's at, to make sure she's really ready to move forward. I don't really see this happening, though, as I think tomorrow will be two friends hanging out who haven't seen each other in a month, and then Saturday will be a nice little gathering with her family.

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Hypothetically, if she did "come on to me" at any point this weekend, I'd probably try to first have a discussion with her about where she's at, to make sure she's really ready to move forward. I don't really see this happening, though, as I think tomorrow will be two friends hanging out who haven't seen each other in a month, and then Saturday will be a nice little gathering with her family.

 

Trust yourself. You're already got a good read on the situation. Use the weekend to see if she seems okay after the breakup and to just have fun with her.

 

When you do say something, I feel like you two will be able to work out whatever happens. So when you feel comfortable, go for it. You'll never know until you try.

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Girls aren't usually very subtle. You'd notice. She'd be flirty with you, or staring longer than usual. Sending longer messages that sound more romantic, etc.

 

If none of those things have happened, then she might not see you in that way.

 

I think the best approach is what someone said earlier, don't admit feelings, just casually ask in a very subtle way if she had ever thought about you and her dating.

When you ask, make it more light hearted so she doesn't feel pressured. "Hey, has it ever crossed your mind that you had ever wanted to date me?"

Find the right moment, make sure you're both in a light hearted and good mood and just casually throw it in.

 

That way, if she gives you a negative response, you can laugh it off. "Ewww, no, you're like my brother"...."Okay, okay, hahaha".

And no harm done.

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Well... While she was talking about a guy she dropped from her life that was pursuing her, I took the opportunity to throw in the joke of "Aren't you glad I know I have no chance with you?", and she smiled but didn't say anything, and I kinda pushed it a little further, and she said it's nice to have someone that's not just trying to get in her pants and be a "one and done" kind of guy. So, I guess there's my answer. There's no chance.

 

I'm really trying to keep it together, because I knew this was likely the outcome. I'm glad I didn't ruin the friendship, but... I think I might be too into her at this point, to where I'm always going to feel something for her. So, I guess I'll just spend the rest of my life feeling something for someone I can't be with... Sigh.

 

She's already doing some light dating, and will most certainly find a relationship in the near future. I'm super, super bummed. I like her so much. I never "like" anyone. I'll be lucky if I go on a date in the next ten years. And even then, it won't matter, because I'll still be wishing I could be with my friend.

 

I feel so stupid. I really don't feel like I'll ever find someone at this point. It just feels like it's not meant to be, for me.

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The way I read that, is that she's glad you're someone who genuinely cares about her and not someone who is just trying to have sex with her for a short while.

 

To be honest, it's still not really an answer.

 

She obviously values you in her life and she likes that you're not someone just out for sex but it's still foggy as to whether she'd ever consider you as more than friends, or not.

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The way I read that, is that she's glad you're someone who genuinely cares about her and not someone who is just trying to have sex with her for a short while.

 

To be honest, it's still not really an answer.

 

She obviously values you in her life and she likes that you're not someone just out for sex but it's still foggy as to whether she'd ever consider you as more than friends, or not.

 

Eh. Maybe. I dunno. My interpretation was that she's glad she has a guy friend that she doesn't have to worry about pursuing her. To me, it feels like it sets the boundary that, if I pursue her, then I am just another one of those guys.

 

Either way, she's already trying to date around, and she's telling me about it, so clearly I can't ever be an option.

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I'm really no expert on this (so feel free to ignore), but I think you are going to have to look for more clarification as her response was a bit 'foggy'. Perhaps make it clear you'd like to date her. If the answer is no, then you are going to have to distance yourself from her (which I know you don't want to do).

 

From someone who was best friends with a girl and fell for her, it was torture hearing about who she fancied and wanted to date..... you'll never be happy in that situation.

 

Best of look mate. We are here for you.

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You have never wanted to date anyone, so blaming her for your latest disappointment is unfair. She doesn't have to be your friend nor do you have to be hers. She never hurt you, you hurt yourself.

 

You've built up stuff in your mind and now want to start a mental war about that. Stop torturing yourself and using others as a canvas for you to reenact this war out on.

I don't know how I can live life forever feeling something for my friend, either.
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I'm really no expert on this (so feel free to ignore), but I think you are going to have to look for more clarification as her response was a bit 'foggy'. Perhaps make it clear you'd like to date her. If the answer is no, then you are going to have to distance yourself from her (which I know you don't want to do).

 

From someone who was best frieds with a girl and fell for her, it was torture hearing about who she fancied and wanted to date..... you'll never be happy in that situation.

 

Best of look mate. We are here for you.

 

Yeah. My concern is that, while she doesn't necessarily mind "hoverers", she will eventually get tired of them and drop them. The joke I made was sort of a response to a story she was telling me about a guy that was sort of hovering last year while she was with her ex.

 

The thing is, I know she cares about me and likes me a lot, and she wants me around long term, but if I put her in a position where she starts wondering if I've been hovering, and she has to rethink whether she wants to keep me around, I think that would really hurt her. I don't ever want to hurt her. But then, that means sitting on these feelings, and letting them probably negatively affect my own life. It's lose-lose, it seems. Either I hurt the person closest to me, or I hurt myself.

 

You have never wanted to date anyone, so blaming her for your latest disappointment is unfair. She doesn't have to be your friend nor do you have to be hers. She never hurt you, you hurt yourself.

 

You've built up stuff in your mind and now want to start a mental war about that. Stop torturing yourself and using others as a canvas for you to reenact this war out on.

 

Eh? I'm certainly not "blaming her" in any way. I most definitely blame myself. Always. I feel stupid. I've put myself in the position where the only options are for one of us to get hurt. And I'm willing to be the one to take that hurt, because I would never feel right about hurting her. But I just don't know what that means for my own future.

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The thing is, I know she cares about me and likes me a lot, and she wants me around long term, but if I put her in a position where she starts wondering if I've been hovering, and she has to rethink whether she wants to keep me around, I think that would really hurt her. I don't ever want to hurt her. But then, that means sitting on these feelings, and letting them probably negatively affect my own life. It's lose-lose, it seems. Either I hurt the person closest to me, or I hurt myself.

 

 

The thing is, you can't live like that. If she cares about you as a friend, she wouldn't want you to suffer like this. You clearly care for her more than just 'hovering'.

I understand it's easy for me to say this here as I'm not emotionally involved.

 

I do know though, you need to put yourself first though, nobody is worth suffering this sort of long term pain for, because it's just going to cripple you.

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The thing is, you can't live like that. If she cares about you as a friend, she wouldn't want you to suffer like this. You clearly care for her more than just 'hovering'.

I understand it's easy for me to say this here as I'm not emotionally involved.

 

I do know though, you need to put yourself first though, nobody is worth suffering this sort of long term pain for, because it's just going to cripple you.

 

That's a fair point, and no, I don't think she would want me to suffer. But even still, there's just no good way this scenario can go. I've screwed up so bad, and there's nothing I can do to fix it, at this point. All I had to do was not fall for her, and I just couldn't stop myself.

 

I just don't have it in me to hurt her. I don't want to suffer, but I could never bring myself to hurt her, ever. She means too much to me, whether that's rational or not.

 

Unfortunately, I made this bed for myself and now I have to lie in it. All I can do is try to figure out how to fight the feelings as much as I possibly can, I think. Sigh. I'm so, so stupid. Leave it to me to ruin the one good thing in my life.

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