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He wants to move on and he has feelings now for someone else.

 

If he wanted to move on it was fine by me , but he kept in contact and acting like nothing changed. Also i told him that we have nothing to talk about exactly cos he has feeling for someone else and he kept asking me not to block him and to wait till he comes. This confuses me even more cos he didnt say anything else about his relationship , just asking me to talk face to face. I even started to think that he lied to me about having a relationship, but i dont think he would continue it after he saw my reaction.

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If you had this strong of feelings for him, why did you break up and secondly why keep him on the line so long and not get back together with him?

 

You left him hanging for over a year and he met someone else and now wants to see how things go with her. Why reel him back in? Why not allow him to move on being as you were the one who ended things?

 

I am trying to understand your pain, however, there are two other people now involved in this situation and their feelings matter too.

He wanted to move on, which is why he dated someone else. You can't just totally dismiss the healing he has had and open up a wound again just because you now suddenly feel bad and want him back.

She also matters too. She cares about this man, is invested in him and opened herself up to him. You can't and shouldn't just dismiss her feelings either and destroy it all again just because you want him back.

 

It's not all about you anymore. These two people matter as well, as do their feelings.

 

At this point, it would be selfish of you to ruin it for him and for her.

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It is sick , i know it too. U just feel u cant escape from it and nothing has meaning if u let go of this situation.

 

That is the complete opposite of what a healthy mindset is. Why do you feel like "nothing has meaning" if you choose to no longer help this ex engage in cheating behaviors?

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If you had this strong of feelings for him, why did you break up and secondly why keep him on the line so long and not get back together with him?

 

You left him hanging for over a year and he met someone else and now wants to see how things go with her. Why reel him back in? Why not allow him to move on being as you were the one who ended things?

 

I am trying to understand your pain, however, there are two other people now involved in this situation and their feelings matter too.

He wanted to move on, which is why he dated someone else. You can't just totally dismiss the healing he has had and open up a wound again just because you now suddenly feel bad and want him back.

She also matters too. She cares about this man, is invested in him and opened herself up to him. You can't and shouldn't just dismiss her feelings either and destroy it all again just because you want him back.

 

It's not all about you anymore. These two people matter as well, as do their feelings.

 

At this point, it would be selfish of you to ruin it for him and for her.

 

Yes i chose to break up. But the reasons are too long to explain. But i also tried to keep a distance. He kept in close contact. Making me harbour feelings for him and making me feel he is always there and cares. I decided that our love is strong and i wanted him back even before he told me that. I was just waiting for him to make a move. I dont even know how long he was dating. I matter too. If he doesnt love her he will leave her anyway, even if it was for me or not. He kept contacting me like nothing happened and trapped me in this mindset.

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That is the complete opposite of what a healthy mindset is. Why do you feel like "nothing has meaning" if you choose to no longer help this ex engage in cheating behaviors?

 

I woudnt call that cheating exactly. I mean we always did regular talking. I mean that i feel like i wont love anyone else.

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So, this thread just took me back to a long ago moment in my life. I'll share on the chance something resonates.

 

I was meeting up with an ex for a bite. We'd broken up, I don't know, two years earlier. Didn't talk for a good long stretch—you could say we naturally gave each other space to heal, stumble, move on—and had recently started chatting a bit: cursory catch ups, that sort of thing. I think we were both hopeful about finding a way to be in each other's lives in some capacity.

 

Anyhow, very quickly into the evening she told me there was something I needed to know. She'd been seeing someone, it was serious. My immediate and genuine reaction? I was so very happy for her. We've remained friends since then, to the point where I feel weird calling her an "ex" because it discredits what we have, which is a sincere friendship—one that first started forming in the context of a romance and then, after a lot of time, continued to expand on a platonic plane once the romantic embers had died.

 

I share that because it could have all gone differently—if, say, I was secretly harboring "what if" feelings about her, or her for me. If that was the case? I would have felt hoodwinked when she told me that, betrayed, judging her, and myself, negatively, going through the spin cycle you're going through, OP. Guess what I'm saying is that, yeah, your ex could have been a bit less shady here, but part of the shade—the feeling of deception—is connected to something you were hiding from him but using to keep warm for yourself, which was a hope that he'd be ready to reconnect romantically if and when you decided you were.

 

Granted, we have only the tiny shreds we get in this space to assess things, but I just don't get the feeling that, in your core, you believe there's much of a future with him. I think that sense that you two didn't work existed, in you, before you learned he was seeing someone. Whatever your reasons for breaking up, I think you know they were good reasons. You just haven't given yourself real time and space to live those reasons, which is to emphasize again that I'd see this moment in that context: the universe letting you know that it's time to lean into the mystery of all that, rather than this mystery, which hasn't really been one for a good long while.

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No, you can't place the blame on him. If you broke up with him, then it was up to you as a responsible grown woman to stop all contact. That's what breaking up means.

It means, the end.

 

It doesn't mean, let's play around with each others feelings and guess and hope the other person mind reads and so on. If you wanted him back, you should have said.

 

But you let him go. Now give him a chance to move on and give them both a chance to see how it goes between them. Your time with him is over.

 

You can't and shouldn't be playing with people's feelings like this.

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Thank you guys for all your opinions. You are all helping me to think more clear. It was my mistake that things turned this way after all. I chose to break up. And said i was sure about that. I knew he still loved me. But allowed regular contact with him. Believing he will always be there till the time i will heal and be ready for our relationship again. But life moves on and people cant wait for you. I still think it was his bad that he tricked me about having no life so i woudnt ask anything personal, but yet i am to blame the most. I also pretended to be a friend to him and that i am cool and fine without him , which was a big lie. I just coudnt be with him yet again and was thinking that he is single too and maybe waiting for the right time, like i did. I played with his feelings and with my feelings either. I guess now i have to accept the result.

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I woudnt call that cheating exactly. I mean we always did regular talking. I mean that i feel like i wont love anyone else.

 

If he plans to come see you and he isn't 1)telling his girlfriend or 2)bringing his girlfriend...that is cheating behavior.

 

Also, does she know he communicates with you and has concealed her from you until recently? Another cheating behavior if he didn't tell her.

 

If you two were a couple and you found out he was planning to meet up with an ex, would you be totally OK with that? Or would you be worried he might cheat?

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If he plans to come see you and he isn't 1)telling his girlfriend or 2)bringing his girlfriend...that is cheating behavior.

 

Also, does she know he communicates with you and has concealed her from you until recently? Another cheating behavior if he didn't tell her.

 

If you two were a couple and you found out he was planning to meet up with an ex, would you be totally OK with that? Or would you be worried he might cheat?

 

Unfortunately i have no idea about his relationship. He didnt want to say anything more about it. Just asking me to talk to him in person. So i dont know if she knows about me or not. I dont think tho that 2 people talking is cheating , even if its in person and even if they are ex. I woudnt sleep with him as long as he would be in a relation with another anyway and i dont think this is his purpose.

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There's too much gray area here and I agree with you - he shouldn't have left out the info that he was in a relationship. You're his ex so the history there is spotted with something that isn't just platonic and that dynamic changes any interactions you have with that person afterwards. If you don't feel good about him in general or he's never really made you feel 100% good about things, this is even more reason to close this chapter completely.

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Unfortunately i have no idea about his relationship. He didnt want to say anything more about it. Just asking me to talk to him in person. So i dont know if she knows about me or not. I dont think tho that 2 people talking is cheating , even if its in person and even if they are ex. I woudnt sleep with him as long as he would be in a relation with another anyway and i dont think this is his purpose.

 

Don't try to whitewash deceitful and manipulative behavior. You said it earlier yourself - it's not that he has a gf that got you upset, it's that he hid the fact and led you on through his actions and words, pretending to be single when he wasn't. Just because you don't sleep with someone, doesn't mean you aren't cheating. Sneaking around talking to or meeting up with another woman, be it an ex or anyone, is what makes it cheating. It's the fact that it's not out in the open.

 

If he was such a nice guy, he'd have told you. After all, by your own admission you were being friendly and playing it cool with him and you were the one to dump him, so why shouldn't he tell you that he met someone if your chat was all just pure friendship, all above board. Not only should he have told you, you should know all about her and she should know you as well.

 

You can bet your life his gf doesn't know anything about you or that he is chatting with you as much as he is. You are both getting played and the sooner you remove the blinkers, the better you'll be off.

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Don't try to whitewash deceitful and manipulative behavior. You said it earlier yourself - it's not that he has a gf that got you upset, it's that he hid the fact and led you on through his actions and words, pretending to be single when he wasn't. Just because you don't sleep with someone, doesn't mean you aren't cheating. Sneaking around talking to or meeting up with another woman, be it an ex or anyone, is what makes it cheating. It's the fact that it's not out in the open.

 

If he was such a nice guy, he'd have told you. After all, by your own admission you were being friendly and playing it cool with him and you were the one to dump him, so why shouldn't he tell you that he met someone if your chat was all just pure friendship, all above board. Not only should he have told you, you should know all about her and she should know you as well.

 

You can bet your life his gf doesn't know anything about you or that he is chatting with you as much as he is. You are both getting played and the sooner you remove the blinkers, the better you'll be off.

 

Agree with this. Open your eyes and stop making excuses for him.

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It's unclear why you need to "heal" and hope to reenter relationship with him? Usually when one someone breaks up they have a definitive reason. It's also unrealistic to expect him to be a lonely monk after being dumped and wait for you to "heal".

 

It shouldn't really come as a shock that he started dating. However staying friends with exes is a bad idea for this reason. In all this time staying in his orbit you deprived yourself of a real relationship with someone you didn't need to dump and "heal" from.

 

If he did something so heinous that you need to dump him and "heal", why bother continuing to talk? Were you hoping he would change?

Believing he will always be there till the time i will heal and be ready for our relationship again.
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Yes i chose to break up. But the reasons are too long to explain. But i also tried to keep a distance. He kept in close contact. Making me harbour feelings for him and making me feel he is always there and cares. I decided that our love is strong and i wanted him back even before he told me that. I was just waiting for him to make a move. I dont even know how long he was dating. I matter too. If he doesnt love her he will leave her anyway, even if it was for me or not. He kept contacting me like nothing happened and trapped me in this mindset.

 

Noone made you habour any feelings or trapped you. You two agreed to the terms of a murky long distance break up with some blurred edges.

Throughout this thread you admit you aren't sure you'd even want him back. But here you have a different spin. He finds someone new and you wanted him afterall.

I think your anger is alittle misdirected.

Having said that, I suppose I can understand how you feel - when you make the choice to not completely emotionally detach from someone you broke up with and moved away from.

But why?

It seems he was put on ice for over a year. You referred to his relationship as new? Maybe he was waiting for the right time to tell you. After all, you aren't his girlfriend.

 

When you are no longer a couple and due to geographics you can't be one, do you owe each other full disclosure? Besides, you broke up with him but have been waiting for him to make a move? (but again, you aren't sure you want him) Isn't that a little backwards? Maybe he got tired of waiting for you?

 

Now you feel you need the face to face he's offering. But if I read that one correctly, that would be months from now. (your own words)

 

I get that this caught you by surprise, but given your situation I might have prepared myself for the inevitable. That a man who I had a difficult relationship with, difficult enough that I chose to end it and move from after 8 years - actually met someone else in my absense.

 

Take your time and grieve this final moment. You might see it differently in time. When all is said and done it often stings alittle to find out our ex has moved on. I get that. But you need to own your part in this and I don't think you are a victim here, but active participant.

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I dont think tho that 2 people talking is cheating , even if its in person and even if they are ex Well, yes it is, because the content of your talk involving you being angry about his hiding the fact he had a gf from you. And now, he's going to explain about why he didn't tell you. That's emotional talk involving your attachment to him and the strength of feelings. That's having an emotional affair, especially when you admit you want him back.

 

It's always wrong if you two wouldn't say those things in front of his girlfriend. It's means you're crossing boundaries.

 

He's showing by his behavior that he's the type of person who will cross boundaries. If you two got back together, his poor ethics show that he would welcome an emotional affair with his ex, and they could speak often, just as he does with you. Don't think you'd be so special as to be exempt from that behavior by him if you two got back together. I have a feeling those are the sort of problems you don't want to spell out to the forum, that the reason you initially broke up was because of his unethical crossing of boundaries. Don't start second-guessing that decision now. You've spent a year and a half apart, not dealing with all the stresses of life that come up when you're physically together as a couple. Wouldn't the same problems raise its ugly head if you went back to that place? How would the mere passing of time solve anything and make everything okay if you decided on another round of togetherness?

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I dont think tho that 2 people talking is cheating , even if its in person and even if they are ex Well, yes it is, because the content of your talk involving you being angry about his hiding the fact he had a gf from you. And now, he's going to explain about why he didn't tell you. That's emotional talk involving your attachment to him and the strength of feelings. That's having an emotional affair, especially when you admit you want him back.

 

It's always wrong if you two wouldn't say those things in front of his girlfriend. It's means you're crossing boundaries.

 

He's showing by his behavior that he's the type of person who will cross boundaries. If you two got back together, his poor ethics show that he would welcome an emotional affair with his ex, and they could speak often, just as he does with you. Don't think you'd be so special as to be exempt from that behavior by him if you two got back together. I have a feeling those are the sort of problems you don't want to spell out to the forum, that the reason you initially broke up was because of his unethical crossing of boundaries. Don't start second-guessing that decision now. You've spent a year and a half apart, not dealing with all the stresses of life that come up when you're physically together as a couple. Wouldn't the same problems raise its ugly head if you went back to that place? How would the mere passing of time solve anything and make everything okay if you decided on another round of togetherness?

 

He never cheated on me if this is what u mean. I broke up with him cos he didnt have a job and have no plans for his future and i was tired of this. I wanted to see him change. Thats all.

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If he did something so heinous that you need to dump him and "heal", why bother continuing to talk? Were you hoping he would change?

 

He didnt do something bad. He was lazy and i coudnt see a future at that point. He didnt have a job, he didnt try to change even when i was talking about it. So yes the answer is i was waiting for him to change.

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Noone made you habour any feelings or trapped you. You two agreed to the terms of a murky long distance break up with some blurred edges.

Throughout this thread you admit you aren't sure you'd even want him back. But here you have a different spin. He finds someone new and you wanted him afterall.

I think your anger is alittle misdirected.

Having said that, I suppose I can understand how you feel - when you make the choice to not completely emotionally detach from someone you broke up with and moved away from.

But why?

It seems he was put on ice for over a year. You referred to his relationship as new? Maybe he was waiting for the right time to tell you. After all, you aren't his girlfriend.

 

When you are no longer a couple and due to geographics you can't be one, do you owe each other full disclosure? Besides, you broke up with him but have been waiting for him to make a move? (but again, you aren't sure you want him) Isn't that a little backwards? Maybe he got tired of waiting for you?

 

Now you feel you need the face to face he's offering. But if I read that one correctly, that would be months from now. (your own words)

 

I get that this caught you by surprise, but given your situation I might have prepared myself for the inevitable. That a man who I had a difficult relationship with, difficult enough that I chose to end it and move from after 8 years - actually met someone else in my absense.

 

Take your time and grieve this final moment. You might see it differently in time. When all is said and done it often stings alittle to find out our ex has moved on. I get that. But you need to own your part in this and I don't think you are a victim here, but active participant.

 

 

I never said i dont have any fault in all these too. Mostly because i wasnt sure about my feelings for too long. Then when i was feeling more sure the situation was difficult cos of distance and i didnt know what to say. Anyway we both ed up for sure

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There's too much gray area here and I agree with you - he shouldn't have left out the info that he was in a relationship. You're his ex so the history there is spotted with something that isn't just platonic and that dynamic changes any interactions you have with that person afterwards. If you don't feel good about him in general or he's never really made you feel 100% good about things, this is even more reason to close this chapter completely.

 

Many people say that it wasnt his job to talk to me about his life , even if i was asking. But he was the one keeping the contact. If this happened to me i would have told him 100% without waiting for him to ask or to pretend i am single. You always have to be clear to people u talk with what they are to u, especially if u had a romantic relation with them and now u are in a new one.

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Does he have a job now? Were you afraid you would end up supporting him?

 

Does he still live with his parents? Is the new GF supporting him?

 

You need to move on. You broke up for a valid reason.

In the future don't break up as a device for change. As you can see that never works. Instead he moved on rather than allow a breakup to change him.

He didnt do something bad. He was lazy and i coudnt see a future at that point. He didnt have a job, he didnt try to change even when i was talking about it. So yes the answer is i was waiting for him to change.
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