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Closure doesn't come from him, it comes from you. Closure is nothing more than you deciding to close the door and move on. It's a decision and you might find that it's rather freeing, scary, but freeing.

 

Exactly and this is why i dont want to be left with anymore questions , looking back and wondering about things that remained without an asnwer.

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Why do you "have" to wait? How much of your life do you want to spend waiting on this ex of yours? Isn't life too short to spend it waiting around for mythical "closure"?

 

You come across as young. Please don't waste your precious, beautiful youth waiting on an ex.

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Here's the thing: You will always—always—be left with questions, looking back and wondering. That is what happens when relationships end, and there's no getting around it. Part of why it's best to give yourself very real time and space away from someone, rather than keeping in contact, is because the questions eventually lose their potency and we get enough answers, from our own spirits, to not really care so much about the loose ends, to not really wonder anymore.

 

I think you need to be dead honest with yourself, right now, in terms of what you want. Seems to me that the thing you are most afraid of losing is the idea that maybe, just maybe, there is another shot between you guys. That idea has made the past year and a half a little easier, in ways. But wanting to keep that idea afloat is very different than actually wanting to be with someone, similar to how riding a bike with training wheels is very different than riding a bike.

 

Your continued contact, up to now, has been training wheels. Leaning to really ride (i.e. closure) is not going to come from asking him how fast to pedal, but from just unscrewing the training wheels and figuring it out. Very scary, for a stretch, and then incredibly freeing.

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Here's the thing: You will always—always—be left with questions, looking back and wondering. That is what happens when relationships end, and there's no getting around it. Part of why it's best to give yourself very real time and space away from someone, rather than keeping in contact, is because the questions eventually lose their potency and we get enough answers, from our own spirits, to not really care so much about the loose ends, to not really wonder anymore.

 

I think you need to be dead honest with yourself, right now, in terms of what you want. Seems to me that the thing you are most afraid of losing is the idea that maybe, just maybe, there is another shot between you guys. That idea has made the past year and a half a little easier, in ways. But wanting to keep that idea afloat is very different than actually wanting to be with someone, similar to how riding a bike with training wheels is very different than riding a bike.

 

Your continued contact, up to now, has been training wheels. Leaning to really ride (i.e. closure) is not going to come from asking him how fast to pedal, but from just unscrewing the training wheels and figuring it out. Very scary, for a stretch, and then incredibly freeing.

 

The idea of us getting back together eventually was in my mind all along. Even when i didnt know it, it was always there. And somehow it maybe still is. Not sure tho , after what happened. And somehow i want to see if there is one last shot for us or not. If i even really want him or not. By looking at him. But i am not sure if i want to do that or not. And if i will regret later if i wont do it or not. The situation sucks. But i know one thing.. If we didnt live so far apart and i could meet him the next days and not in an uncertain time ,i know i would go and meet him...

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Why do you "have" to wait? How much of your life do you want to spend waiting on this ex of yours? Isn't life too short to spend it waiting around for mythical "closure"?

 

You come across as young. Please don't waste your precious, beautiful youth waiting on an ex.

 

The reason is.. I am emotionally attached. He is important to me. Cos he was my first... And the only person i ever felt as family, even more than my real family.. So now u can imagine how disappointed and confused i am , i never expected him to lie like this and i am still torned between my feelings.

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i dont know , he was the one that asked me to wait to talk in person , cos these things cant be told by the phone (thats what he said). We had a really long relationship , 8 years, so is it truly right to end this by the phone ?

 

It ended when you broke up, nobody. There is no relationship left to end.

 

So yes, it's perfectly acceptable to end this weird grey area by phone. There is zero reason to meet in person, months from now, to reiterate that it's over and that it's been over for a while.

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The truth i have to admit is that i would like to see him and ask him directly if this is the end. It would be a better closure but a dangerous one too, cos seeing him after all this time could make things even harder. I already know that its wrong. But I am still confused.

 

I think that for your own peace of mind, you should treat every break up as The End. Always.

 

Your words need to mean something.

 

Be done and move on with your life.

 

If your words don't mean anything, you will always be confused.

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The idea of us getting back together eventually was in my mind all along. Even when i didnt know it, it was always there. And somehow it maybe still is. Not sure tho , after what happened. And somehow i want to see if there is one last shot for us or not. If i even really want him or not. By looking at him. But i am not sure if i want to do that or not. And if i will regret later if i wont do it or not. The situation sucks. But i know one thing.. If we didnt live so far apart and i could meet him the next days and not in an uncertain time ,i know i would go and meet him...

 

Not to beat the same drum but...

 

I really think you're just holding onto an idea, and coming to realize the lack of genuine comfort that provides. You were with him for nearly a decade. You know him. You know, more or less, how you work, and don't, with him. "Looking at him" for thirty seconds or two hours is not going to trigger a revelation or clarity.

 

What it will do is trigger confusion. Confusion if you feel nothing, confusion if you feel something. Confusion if you want to take your clothes off, confusion if you don't. Why? Because you are already confused, conditioned since the breakup to find comfort in that confusion rather than in letting go, moving on.

 

And big big picture, or at least getting back to the hard facts here? He is in a relationship right now. That, in and of itself, should be reason enough to just back away. Maybe it's serious, maybe it's nonsense. Still, it kind of makes all these thoughts and feelings things to wrestle with on your own right now.

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Not to beat the same drum but...

 

I really think you're just holding onto an idea, and coming to realize the lack of genuine comfort that provides. You were with him for nearly a decade. You know him. You know, more or less, how you work, and don't, with him. "Looking at him" for thirty seconds or two hours is not going to trigger a revelation or clarity.

 

What it will do is trigger confusion. Confusion if you feel nothing, confusion if you feel something. Confusion if you want to take your clothes off, confusion if you don't. Why? Because you are already confused, conditioned since the breakup to find comfort in that confusion rather than in letting go, moving on.

 

And big big picture, or at least getting back to the hard facts here? He is in a relationship right now. That, in and of itself, should be reason enough to just back away. Maybe it's serious, maybe it's nonsense. Still, it kind of makes all these thoughts and feelings things to wrestle with on your own right now.

 

So I should just block him.. I already told him i will wait for him to talk. But i now have second thoughts. Cos i feel tired.

 

He begged me not to block him, not to delete him like that. I told him he was my family and everything i loved and he said he feels the same. (while having a girlfriend!!!)

 

I know he was trying to emotionally manipulate me and make me wait for him , i know i am too weak. And ofcourse he refused to talk more about that via the phone.

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I think that for your own peace of mind, you should treat every break up as The End. Always.

 

Your words need to mean something.

 

Be done and move on with your life.

 

If your words don't mean anything, you will always be confused.

 

It is a complicated situation.

 

I meant it when i said i want to break up with him. Cos i needed to be alone and coudnt stand some problems that existed that time.

 

But i didnt want to move to another person. Its just my feelings , sometimes u cant control everything , even if ur decisions are right ur emotions can be different.

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Your emotions remain because you have chosen to stay connected to him.

 

Keep in mind, this guy you're idolizing is a CHEATER. Do you believe he's telling his girlfriend he doesn't love her and that he's planning to meet up with you? And if that's the case, why doesn't he break up with her?

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Sorry to hear this. He has every right to date/be in a relationship and not keep you in the loop. He didn't lie, he just kept his love life private as he should.

 

Delete and block him from all your social media and all your messaging apps. This is why staying friends with and ex (especially with hopes of reconciling) is a no-win heartache.

So my ex boyfriend had a new girlfirend but never metioned it to me.. Until i asked directly one day and out of nowhere he said that yes, he has a new relationship.
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So I should just block him.. I already told him i will wait for him to talk. But i now have second thoughts. Cos i feel tired.

 

He begged me not to block him, not to delete him like that. I told him he was my family and everything i loved and he said he feels the same. (while having a girlfriend!!!)

 

I know he was trying to emotionally manipulate me and make me wait for him , i know i am too weak. And ofcourse he refused to talk more about that via the phone.

 

Me? I'm not a big fan of "block/delete" unless (a) you can't help but reach out to someone or (b) someone can't respect your own request for space and silence. So I'd probably send a note along the lines of: "I just want to say I'm sorry for the recent exchange. After some thought, I've realized that what I need right now is simply space and silence. I wish you the best, and appreciate you understanding."

 

Boom: then you can do the thing you haven't allowed yourself to do in a year and a half, which is to just breathe and process away from the fire. Yes, it will be a little chilly, at first, but in learning to warm yourself you'll find a sense of clarity and closure that has been elusive.

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You and he are not in the same mindset right now.

 

You stayed single and are still hoping to get back together. He has a girlfriend and is only keeping in contact with you to keep you on the back burner if things don't work out with the new girlfriend, however, he still chooses her.

 

The moment he got another girlfriend was the moment he moved on from you.

 

This is not a guy you want to keep hanging around. He made his choice. If you have any self worth you will force him to stick to that choice and block.

If he wanted you and loved you like he said he did, he would't have gotten involved with another woman.

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Blue, what are your reasons for keeping the door slightly open and not blocking and deleting. Just curious.

 

I dont know. To be honest , probably thinking that maybe he still wants me and that he got invlolved cos he was also single for too long (more than 1 year and i am sure for that) and also left to another place from where i live in, so things got complicated(he got involved only when he left).

Also when we broke up i was the one to say that i am sure of my decision and that then acting always friendly to his messages.

So he was thinking maybe i see him as a friend and somehow this was my fault.

I am thinking that maybe all these years mean something to him too and that the connection he has with me is better than the connection that he has with anyone else.

 

I know its wrong and maybe not even true , but i wanted to be honest. And its slightly open just cos i am not even sure myself if i wanted to be with him anymore.

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Me? I'm not a big fan of "block/delete" unless (a) you can't help but reach out to someone or (b) someone can't respect your own request for space and silence. So I'd probably send a note along the lines of: "I just want to say I'm sorry for the recent exchange. After some thought, I've realized that what I need right now is simply space and silence. I wish you the best, and appreciate you understanding."

 

Boom: then you can do the thing you haven't allowed yourself to do in a year and a half, which is to just breathe and process away from the fire. Yes, it will be a little chilly, at first, but in learning to warm yourself you'll find a sense of clarity and closure that has been elusive.

 

He woudnt respect it and i know it , i never reach out to him but i am sure he would eventually do it again.

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Blue, what are your reasons for keeping the door slightly open and not blocking and deleting. Just curious.

 

Maybe it's my age—40—and the fact that I cut all my romantic teeth in an age where there was no such thing as "blocking" and "deleting." Or maybe it's my general temperament. Or maybe...

 

But I don't see it as keeping a door slightly open. More like: I think blocking/deleting kind of just ends up giving more power and oxygen to the very thing you're trying to disempower. One day someone is "girlfriend." Then they are "blocked and deleted ex." One heavy weight replaced by another.

 

I've done it, don't get me wrong, in situations where someone makes it unnervingly clear that they cannot respect my request for space and the intrusions, or potential of future intrusions, limits my capacity to heal and move forward. But I've found that to be pretty rare.

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I am thinking that maybe all these years mean something to him too

 

If that were true, then why get involved with another woman? I mean, even if you broke up with him, if he was so heartbroken and waiting around for you to change your mind, he wouldn't make someone else his girlfriend, right?

 

He wants to move on and he has feelings now for someone else.

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Blue, okay, I see what you're saying. More so like, it's done and no thoughts or grudges, just letting it be.

I can understand that.

If you have more upset and heartache, you'd be willing to block and be worked up over it.

 

I honestly can't say I have ever blocked/deleted either. I don't want to sound cold, but the lack of, wasn't in hopes to keep the option for them to come back , it simply was because I didn't think of it being as my mind and heart had moved on.

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Blocking and deleting is fine if it works for you. You may find it doesn't work as well in some patterns of relationships. I think it depends on your personality and how you interpret the finality of something. Following patterns of denial in general is unhealthy. A person can just as soon unblock someone and start messaging again or have a phone number saved in an email somewhere or via some other app. I personally didn't find it helpful and the wild trigger of eliminating someone through a tech means never resolved what I was actually feeling inside which was pain, sadness, shock, withdrawal. I had to look that straight on and deal with that pain. I mean dig my fingers in and smell it kind of sadness and pain. Only then did I start to process what was happening and understand that over means it's over.

 

You can block and delete if that helps later on but I think you still have to work on any ideas about denial and sadness you have. This person isn't the same person you once knew, go over again why the relationship ended the first time. Process why you felt so disappointed in his half truths and shady behaviour? Omissions of truth ARE forms of lies and this is deception. I think you should aim higher.

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I've deleted but not blocked. I've blocked and deleted too, because the other person would not leave me alone when I asked him to. I have two exes (one horrible ex, one I'm just "meh" about) who I have not blocked, but neither of them has attempted to contact me in YEARS. The horrible one, I am completely over him so even if he did contact me I would just laugh and ignore. But a few years ago? I would have leapt on his contact and eagerly responded because my mind was still sick.

 

OP, you obviously still want him. So what do you think he will do with the girlfriend when you tell him you want him back? Are you expecting him to dump her for you?

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I've deleted but not blocked. I've blocked and deleted too, because the other person would not leave me alone when I asked him to. I have two exes (one horrible ex, one I'm just "meh" about) who I have not blocked, but neither of them has attempted to contact me in YEARS. The horrible one, I am completely over him so even if he did contact me I would just laugh and ignore. But a few years ago? I would have leapt on his contact and eagerly responded because my mind was still sick.

 

OP, you obviously still want him. So what do you think he will do with the girlfriend when you tell him you want him back? Are you expecting him to dump her for you?

 

Maybe. Maybe he would. And maybe he woudnt. I want him. But now i am not sure if i could even try again with him. I would always remember what happened. And i cant know if he will choose me or not if i wont ask. But i dont even know if it would matter anymore to ask. At least if he will say he is better in his new relationship, my pride will fly away but it will be a dealbreaker. Also i made some mistakes so i kinda blame myself too for the situation i am in.

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Been there! No better way to describe it. Like a sick addiction that is completely toxic.

 

I look back on it now and wonder what the heck was wrong with me.

 

It is sick , i know it too. U just feel u cant escape from it and nothing has meaning if u let go of this situation.

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