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So my ex boyfriend had a new girlfirend but never metioned it to me. We had a very long relationship. He was always keeping in touch with me after the break up and sending me messages, even if i still had feelings for him i never sent him anything first. Its been long since we broke up and it was my choice. But as we kept in contact , i still harbored feelings for him and started to believe that at some point we can be together again (i didnt move to next relationship even if its been so long). He didnt know that i still want him. The reason that i broke up with him was that the relationship really was going bad at that point and we surely needed a break (i dont want to analyze). I was always asking him what he is doing when he was contacting me and he was always pretending that he had no life and only work and stay home. Until i asked directly one day and out of nowhere he said that yes, he has a new relationship. Ofcourse i was angry and told him this is the end of our communication and i dont want him to bother me anymore. I called him liar and he still insisted that he never lied to me (how can u have a new relationship when u pretend that u are home all day or at work) He asked me to not block him yet and asked me to wait for him to come (we live in different places now) so we can talk and so he can say the things he want about this. Now i dont know what to do. I want to disappear after what happened , especially cos i feel like i was mocked. But on the other hand i want to make a last talk with him but i dont even know exactly when he can come (it can be months). I really need to let go finally and all this waiting will hold me back. I want to see different opinions about why he lied to me and hide such an important thing and if it is better to wait and talk with him or end it now.

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He asked me to not block him yet and asked me to wait for him to come (we live in different places now) so we can talk and so he can say the things he want about this. Now i dont know what to do. I want to disappear after what happened , especially cos i feel like i was mocked. But on the other hand i want to make a last talk with him but i dont even know exactly when he can come (it can be months).

 

What is the point of him coming?

 

It's going to make it worse and keep you stuck on something that has no future. No in-person visit is needed. Let this be your final sign that it's over and cut contact.

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What is the point of him coming?

 

It's going to make it worse and keep you stuck on something that has no future. No in-person visit is needed. Let this be your final sign that it's over and cut contact.

 

i dont know , he was the one that asked me to wait to talk in person , cos these things cant be told by the phone (thats what he said). We had a really long relationship , 8 years, so is it truly right to end this by the phone ?

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You didn't love him enough to work on problems and ended it instead. Or, the problems were dealbreakers and so there was nothing to work on. Either way, you stayed connected, which was never meant to be permanent. Romance is far more appealing than the occasion text from an ex, so your expectations he would pine for you forever and pay attention to you indefinitely without moving on was unreasonable.

 

You've been a passive participant, staying connected because he initiated it. Agreeing to talk in person because he requested it. Yes, 8 years is a long time and I assume you initially ended the relationship in person, but now that that's done, ending a pseudo friendship, it isn't necessary to do that in person. What would I do? I'd text or phone him and say, "I was out of line. We are not a couple and you are free to date whoever you want. I will hold good memories of our time together. I wish you for you a wonderful life. It's best we go no contact for closure, and out of respect for our new partners. Good luck."

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Take this a learning experience and be very cautious when you're speaking or getting to know someone even if you've once known them before. You made an assumption that he was single and that was your mistake. Feeling mistaken, duped, a bit annoyed with yourself is natural. Overcome those feelings and accept where you went wrong.

 

It was wrong of him also to continue chatting up an ex while in a relationship with someone else. Now you know not everyone is as straightforward or sensible.

 

If you had doubts about the relationship back then, this is a clear sign this person is still as muddled. Why would you want to go back to this?

 

After the dust settles and you pick yourself up and brush yourself off, be glad that he's revealed he's in a relationship. Someone who is as duplicitous and deceitful as this stringing two women along is not someone you want in your life. You've dodged a bullet again. Turn this around and take a good hard look and what just happened. This has worked out in your favour.

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This is the perfect scenario for implementing no contact. Staying in contact kept you stuck and helped him transition to another, while getting a big, fat ego boost from you.

 

 

Block and delete, once and for all! Get on with your life!

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He didn't tell you because he didn't want to hurt you. You had remained in close contact with one another and loved one another for many years. He likely knew through this contact that you continued to have feelings for him. You may not have said anything directly, but I'd guess he picked up on it. So I think, basically, that he was avoiding causing you pain. And of course that is now what's happened.

 

Unfortunately staying in contact with him while you still harboured strong feelings was a mistake. You had made the choice to break up with him, but you couldn't truly let go. Letting go of someone that you love, that you've had a long relationship with, is incredibly difficult and I think it's just in our nature to want to keep that person close in any way possible. But by doing so also greatly harms and diminishes our ability to move on. You really do need to let this one go at this point, rip off that band aid, for your own well being.

 

Edit: Unless of course his communication with you was more flirtatious than mere friendly. In which case I agree with Rose, his contact with you was completely wrong of him.

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He didn't tell you because he didn't want to hurt you. You had remained in close contact with one another and loved one another for many years. He likely knew through this contact that you continued to have feelings for him. You may not have said anything directly, but I'd guess he picked up on it. So I think, basically, that he was avoiding causing you pain. And of course that is now what's happened.

 

Unfortunately staying in contact with him while you still harboured strong feelings was a mistake. You had made the choice to break up with him, but you couldn't truly let go. Letting go of someone that you love, that you've had a long relationship with, is incredibly difficult and I think it's just in our nature to want to keep that person close in any way possible. But by doing so also greatly harms and diminishes our ability to move on. You really do need to let this one go at this point, rip off that band aid, for your own well being.

 

Edit: Unless of course his communication with you was more flirtatious than mere friendly. In which case I agree with Rose, his contact with you was completely wrong of him.

He wasnt flirty but caring and making me feel like nothing has changed , especially cos he was telling that his life was boring as i mentioned. He was never romantic or flirty or something like that tho. I have to mention i was acting cool too and making him think that we are something like friends. After all i never contacted him first and i was keeping a distance. I want to cut any contact now but i feel like he has the right to say the things he want to say and maybe i want to hear these things too, maybe they will give me a better closure , but not so long after (cos as i said he doesnt know exactly when he can come). So i am very confused.

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Why are you angry he has a new girlfriend? You have been broken up so its none of your business what he does. You need to block and delete him from your phone and any social media. You dont need to talk to him, you cant have him as a friend. It's over.

 

No i am not angry about having one but about hiding it so well. He wanted to make me to never ask directly.

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Take this a learning experience and be very cautious when you're speaking or getting to know someone even if you've once known them before. You made an assumption that he was single and that was your mistake. Feeling mistaken, duped, a bit annoyed with yourself is natural. Overcome those feelings and accept where you went wrong.

 

It was wrong of him also to continue chatting up an ex while in a relationship with someone else. Now you know not everyone is as straightforward or sensible.

 

If you had doubts about the relationship back then, this is a clear sign this person is still as muddled. Why would you want to go back to this?

 

After the dust settles and you pick yourself up and brush yourself off, be glad that he's revealed he's in a relationship. Someone who is as duplicitous and deceitful as this stringing two women along is not someone you want in your life. You've dodged a bullet again. Turn this around and take a good hard look and what just happened. This has worked out in your favour.

 

There were some problems mostly cos of the long time that we were together and i needed to be alone for a while. But i didnt want to move on to another after all. He wasnt flirty with me or something , but we kept the regular intimate contact we always had so i was feeling like nothing had changed. It was my fault too cos i was acting like we are friends or something.

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He didn't tell you because he didn't want to hurt you. You had remained in close contact with one another and loved one another for many years. He likely knew through this contact that you continued to have feelings for him. You may not have said anything directly, but I'd guess he picked up on it. So I think, basically, that he was avoiding causing you pain. And of course that is now what's happened.

 

Unfortunately staying in contact with him while you still harboured strong feelings was a mistake. You had made the choice to break up with him, but you couldn't truly let go. Letting go of someone that you love, that you've had a long relationship with, is incredibly difficult and I think it's just in our nature to want to keep that person close in any way possible. But by doing so also greatly harms and diminishes our ability to move on. You really do need to let this one go at this point, rip off that band aid, for your own well being.

 

Edit: Unless of course his communication with you was more flirtatious than mere friendly. In which case I agree with Rose, his contact with you was completely wrong of him.

 

If he didn't want to "hurt" her, he would have cut contact. He knew that she had feelings, but because he was selfish and wanted attention, he kept it going. Terrible.

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Staying in contact kept you stuck and helped him transition to another, while getting a big, fat ego boost from you.

 

I'm not quite seeing it this way. If anything, it seems that his contact was a salve to nobody's ego, since it allowed her the comfort of thinking the person she chose to break up with was kind of frozen in time and space, ready for a romantic reunion if and when she felt like going there. When it turned out he was seeing someone else, that story crumbled and a poorly-stitched wound reopened.

 

I'm sorry about all this, nobody. Eight years is a long time with someone, and so it's expected that the uncoupling is going to take some time, maybe get a little messy. Been there, a few times over. I don't think either of you have ever actively been trying to hurt or deceive the other. More like you both wanted to hold on a bit, while also letting go a bit—a less than honest purgatory of sorts that, inevitably, can't hold and doesn't do anyone any favors, in the long run.

 

I really like Rose's take, along with Andrina's, when it comes to how to react and respond to this moment. In short, time to let go, for real. If there's anything left to say, I think it's a simple apology for the nature of the recent exchange, along with wishing him best on his journey as you set out, fully, on your own. Trust that time and moving forward is going to offer you a more genuine form of comfort than remaining tethered to him as you have over the past year and a half.

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Do you really want a guy who can deceive you so smoothly? That's the question you need to be asking yourself. Can you ever trust him?

 

As for why....if he had told you the truth, you would have been gone long ago instead of sticking around stroking his ego. Deceit is never about love, caring, or kindness of any sort.

 

In your shoes, I'd tell him to take a long hike off a short pier and delete and block him. No need to listen to more bs, especially from a guy who already knows he can dupe you. This is really your wake up call to do now what you should have done back then and actually start healing and moving on, start looking forward instead of in the rear view. If you look at his behavior, dumping him was the right thing to do, so finish the job and go no contact.

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I'm not quite seeing it this way. If anything, it seems that his contact was a salve to nobody's ego, since it allowed her the comfort of thinking the person she chose to break up with was kind of frozen in time and space, ready for a romantic reunion if and when she felt like going there. When it turned out he was seeing someone else, that story crumbled and a poorly-stitched wound reopened.

 

I'm sorry about all this, nobody. Eight years is a long time with someone, and so it's expected that the uncoupling is going to take some time, maybe get a little messy. Been there, a few times over. I don't think either of you have ever actively been trying to hurt or deceive the other. More like you both wanted to hold on a bit, while also letting go a bit—a less than honest purgatory of sorts that, inevitably, can't hold and doesn't do anyone any favors, in the long run.

 

I really like Rose's take, along with Andrina's, when it comes to how to react and respond to this moment. In short, time to let go, for real. If there's anything left to say, I think it's a simple apology for the nature of the recent exchange, along with wishing him best on his journey as you set out, fully, on your own. Trust that time and moving forward is going to offer you a more genuine form of comfort than remaining tethered to him as you have over the past year and a half.

 

Then why didn't he mention he was dating someone else?

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Then why didn't he mention he was dating someone else?

 

I'd say because he is skittish, weak, emotionally confused, afraid of hurting her—and, much like her, afraid of severing their tie for good. Not cool, by any stretch. Guess I'm just seeing this as the sort of sad mess two people often find themselves in when, in the wake of breaking up, they don't allow for real time and space to heal.

 

Can point fingers at places where they've both failed to meet their highest expectations of themselves, but the big lesson here might just be a simple: time to really do the thing that was done 1.5 years ago, which is to let go and move on.

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I'd say because he is skittish, weak, emotionally confused, afraid of hurting her—and, much like her, afraid of severing their tie for good. Not cool, by any stretch. Guess I'm just seeing this as the sort of sad mess two people often find themselves in when, in the wake of breaking up, they don't allow for real time and space to heal.

 

Can point fingers at places where they've both failed to meet their highest expectations of themselves, but the big lesson here might just be a simple: time to really do the thing that was done 1.5 years ago, which is to let go and move on.

 

The truth i have to admit is that i would like to see him and ask him directly if this is the end. It would be a better closure but a dangerous one too, cos seeing him after all this time could make things even harder. I already know that its wrong. But I am still confused.

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Do you really want a guy who can deceive you so smoothly? That's the question you need to be asking yourself. Can you ever trust him?

 

As for why....if he had told you the truth, you would have been gone long ago instead of sticking around stroking his ego. Deceit is never about love, caring, or kindness of any sort.

 

In your shoes, I'd tell him to take a long hike off a short pier and delete and block him. No need to listen to more bs, especially from a guy who already knows he can dupe you. This is really your wake up call to do now what you should have done back then and actually start healing and moving on, start looking forward instead of in the rear view. If you look at his behavior, dumping him was the right thing to do, so finish the job and go no contact.

 

One part of me wants to block him , especially cos i cant wait any longer and one another wants to hear what he has to say. I need a closure and maybe i wont have a proper one if i wont hear what he has to say and if i dont ask him the things i want to know and understand.

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"Closure" is a myth. It exists when a person realizes and accepts the relationship is over and that it's for the best.

 

But as you pointed out (very insightful of you BTW), what people usually want when they insist on in-person meetings for "closure" is another chance to convince the person to change their mind about them. So just be prepared in case things don't go the way you hope they will.

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One part of me wants to block him , especially cos i cant wait any longer and one another wants to hear what he has to say. I need a closure and maybe i wont have a proper one if i wont hear what he has to say and if i dont ask him the things i want to know and understand.

 

Closure doesn't come from him, it comes from you. Closure is nothing more than you deciding to close the door and move on. It's a decision and you might find that it's rather freeing, scary, but freeing.

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"Closure" is a myth. It exists when a person realizes and accepts the relationship is over and that it's for the best.

 

But as you pointed out (very insightful of you BTW), what people usually want when they insist on in-person meetings for "closure" is another chance to convince the person to change their mind about them. So just be prepared in case things don't go the way you hope they will.

 

Yes i know already it can go very wrong , but on the other hand i believe a hard face to face truth maybe will help me understand it once and for all and face the reality. Maybe after what happened i wont even feel the same anymore when i will look at him. And he will be forced to be honest cos he cant avoid my questions or lie in front of me anymore. The hard thing is the time i have to wait for this to happen and if it really worths it.

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