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Hung up on his ex, do I need to let go?


cwags

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I’ve (24F) been seeing this great guy, J (24M), for about a month now. When we’re together, everything just clicks. We talk for hours, share laughs, and are physically intimate. The sex is fantastic and we have so much in common. He’s introduced me to his best friends, slept over a few times, took me to retrieve my car when it was towed, and makes time to see me every weekend. The thing is, when we’re not together in person or making plans, there is almost no contact. He rarely ever reaches out (an occasional Snapchat here and there), and never calls or texts unless I initiate first— although he always responds thoughtfully. I brought my concern up to him last time we were together, and he admitted that he is still healing from his last relationship. They were together for 5 years and broke up about 5 months ago. His best friend also reiterated that J really likes me, but is afraid to get closer to me because he’s not ready to let go of his feelings for his ex. He also told me that J has always been the type to wait for the girl to make the first move/make plans etc. I know this is a glaring issue, and I’m aware he has to move on and heal on his own time. He also may just want to play the field and see what’s out there considering he’s been in a long term relationship for most of his young adult life.

 

So my question is, do I take a step back and let him deal with his feelings for his ex, and wait until he comes to me? Or do I stop spending time with him altogether and move on? I want nothing more than to continue seeing J, but me having to pursue him and the lack of communication is really getting to me.

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He's not over his ex and more than likely still wants her back or is still missing her.

 

Why would you want to be with a man who's heart is elsewhere? Even if you stayed with him for ages, you'd still have to be in the knowledge that for the first part of your 'relationship' he wanted someone else.

 

It's not a romance, it's a convenience. You're a warm body while he is lonely. If you're okay with it, so be it. But most wouldn't want to be used like that.

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There is a theory that it takes half the duration of a relationship to be totally over it. I am not sure how true that is but if you were to take 2.5 years and divide that even further, 5 months isn't even close to him being ready for a relationship.

I don't doubt he likes you, but if it's a relationship you are after then he's not ready, especially in light of the fact that he's forwarned you.

I'd bow out gracefully and maybe at a later date, if things are left on a good note he might be ready.

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What do you feel you can handle? Will you be okay if things stay as they are? If you cut off contact, would you regret not seeing if things could go further. The choice should be what you think is healthiest for you.

 

Yes, five months isn't much time to get over someone. So you shouldn't rush it. However, I know from personal experience that a good way to get over someone is to have someone else be there for you who can be a great friend and help you see that you don't need to stay stuck in the past. Also, if he's not the type to make initial moves, he's not going to change. So if you cut off contact and wait for him to come to you, that's not likely to happen. It's your call on what you feel comfortable with.

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It's a bad idea, OP. Trust your instincts and don't be naive. He's not emotionally available the same way you are. It's like seeing an apple on the dining table, biting into it and expecting it to taste like an orange. It's not an orange. Be more honest with yourself and what's going on in the situation.

 

You've already said that you having to pursue him (one-sidedness) and the lack of communication is starting to get to you. That's you already noticing issues and gaps in how you connect with each other.

 

Sometimes slowing things down means leaving yourself open to constant disappointment while the other person continues to ride the fence and remain lukewarm about you. Even if you hit pause while he does some growing and evolving it's not like he's going to disappear into thin air. If he decides to date someone else, so be it. If you reconnect later on when he's in a better headspace and you get along, even better. Don't stoop so low and scrounge for scraps.

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You only met him 30 days ago!?!

 

He was on the rebound.

Still is and still will be for a long time.

 

You are trying to make it sound so lovely that he introduced you to his friends, but the reality is he didn’t consciously introduce you to his friends as anyone of significance.

The reality is he hooked up with you while he was on a night out with his friends and you were on a night out with yours.

 

Didn’t even have to date you? You just turned up with no effort on his part other than a reminder on his phone to contact you?

 

And you turned up. Why??!

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Never stick around for anyone, hoping things will get better. What you see is what you get. If that's not good enough in the present, cut him loose so you're free when someone who matches you in the way you like to date comes along.

 

Yes, it's frustrating to find someone sexy, who has a good personality, and you have fun together, but he's not giving you what you need. I've been there. I cut the guy loose after 8 weeks and had various other dating experiences until I finally hit the jackpot. That's the process you have to go through, and you'll end up appreciating the right one so much more after experiencing guys who don't make you a priority. Good luck.

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if you try and hang on...all you are is a healing stepping stone for him. Once he gets over his feeling for her, he's going to realize his feelings for you were false....rebound. Ditch this guy. If his feeling are true for you, maybe this time next year you guys can take another crack at it.

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I think that your last thread is relevant:

 

(24f) met this guy, J (24m), at a party a week ago. After chatting for the majority of the night, he asked for my number and set a reminder on his phone to text me the next day just in case he forgot (we were both very inebriated). The next day he texted me right when his reminder went off, and we both agreed to get together over the weekend for drinks. I suggested a place and a time, and halfway thru the week he reached out to confirm if we were still on. We ended up having a great time and extending our “date” to a full blown night out with both his friends and mine. His friends all took a liking to me, and I ended up having a discussion with his roommate. I told him I really liked J, but was getting “just friends” vibes from him- mainly because he had yet to make a move or say anything remotely flirty to me all night. His roommate assured me that J had been looking forward to our meet up all week, but “is not the type of guy to make the first move”. (He also told me J likes “having an emotional connection before sleeping with someone” and recently got out of a 4 year relationship). He advised me to kiss J, so I did. From that point on, he was a lot more physically affectionate. So I guess his roommate was right.

 

By the end of the night, we were making out pretty heavily, and he hit me with “are you sure you don’t want to come home with me?” I declined, telling him I wasn’t that type of girl, and he apologized and told me he understood (basically negating what his roommate had told me earlier). We said goodbye, and not even 30 mins after leaving the party, he texted me. The thing is, the text was a comment about my body... He then texted me again letting me know he made it home and that we would see each other again soon. I then drunkenly told him I couldn’t stop thinking about him and was frustrated about it. To which he responded, “Why is that bad?” I then responded with even more dumb drunken nonsense. He never responded after that.

 

I didn’t hear from him for the entire next day and decided to reach out to him 2 days later apologizing for my drunk texts. He responded quickly and told me not to worry, and that he had a fun time with me and wanted to do it again. I texted him today wanting to set something else up, and I haven’t received a response. At this point, I can’t tell if I’m majorly overthinking things or if he just isn’t that interested. He did tell me during our date that he wasn’t big on texting, but when men want something, they go after it. And he isn’t even texting me back. I truly haven’t felt this strongly for anyone in quite a while, and I want to believe he reciprocates those feelings, but my intuition is telling me he might just want a hook up or is keeping me around as an option.

 

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I'd walk away. You can break your own heart giving the benefit of the doubt, excusing red flags and expecting people to change.

 

Waking away before you get too attached does a few things. It shows the other person you have strength and self respect. It limits the other person from hurting or using you any more than they already have.

 

And those boundaries set you up to receive better. Whether that comes from them (they could heal and your paths cross in the future) or someone better!

 

When in doubt, pull way back. As in get in your car, drive away and never talk to them again. lol

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