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I was with my ex for 4 years, we split up 9 months ago. For the past 9 months we have been meeting and sleeping with each other. He knew I wanted him back and still loved him but he didnt want a relationship. He started to go cold on me a couple of weeks ago not taking hours to message back not really commiting to any meet ups saying he was busy. I did go round his house and found another girl there. I did lose the plot and screamed a lot. He said she was just a friend he was helping. I asked him to never contact me again and was heartbroken. I have since spoke asking if we can work things out and apologised for if I got the situation wrong, he now says my behaiour has ruined our friendship. To add to this he said I had betrayed his trust as I had confided in his sister for help in this situation. He refuses to speak to me and says he wants nothing more to do with me.

Just feeling very lost and confused :(

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Sorry to hear this. What was the breakup about? His behavior ended the friendship (or any relationship) when he broke up with you. Do not chase after him. Instead pull yourself together and delete and block him and ALL his people from ALL your social media and ALL your messaging apps.

 

He is not treating you well and hookups/FWB doesn't not lead to reconciliation.

I was with my ex for 4 years, we split up 9 months ago.

 

I did go round his house and found another girl there. I did lose the plot and screamed a lot. He said she was just a friend he was helping.

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OP, this relationship ended 9 months ago. Unfortunately, by trying to hang on, continuing to stick around and sleep with him, you've actually prolonged your own agony. Meanwhile he is in fact moving on and starting to date again and he is well within rights to do so. However, for you now this feels like being dumped all over again. More agony and pain.

 

The harsh truth is you can't stay friends with your ex precisely because of lingering feelings, attraction, chemistry, etc. It just stops you from accepting the break up, healing, and moving on yourself. Please, for your own sake block, delete, never speak to him again and start working on accepting that it's over and moving on. This guy isn't your right one. Let it go.

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Don't go over again. That was wrong. It's tempting but don't do it. Every decision you make from now onwards will make or break the person you are. Start telling yourself that you don't need someone in your life who treats you like you're disposable or a piece of trash. If the relationship has ended and he's been clear about it or appears to have replaced you with someone else (however you perceive this), you don't need to sink lower yourself by putting up a whole stink and drama about it. This person isn't worth that fight.

 

Leave his family members out of this also and start having a bit more self-respect. Things will start to be clearer if you give yourself the chance and stop adding to the situation. Don't make any moves right now and just process that the relationship is over.

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I'd also like to add that break ups from such a long term relationship are particularly difficult and do take time to get past the shock, the loss, the pain and so on. However, keep in mind that when a person decides to end such a long standing relationship, it's not a decision that's being made lightly. In fact, they probably have spent months thinking about it, agonizing over it, and finally working up the courage to pull that plug. In short, when someone breaks up with you, yes they really do mean to do it and to do so permanently. They are not playing games with your emotions or with the relationship - they really mean to end things for good.

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This was a long term relationship and I know it is hard to move forward, but you should have cut contact, as this has only helped him transition to someone else. He does not want a relationship with you.

 

Time to block and delete. Stop allowing him to treat you like this. You have wasted 9 months.

 

He is not your "friend," he is using and disrespecting you.

Edited by Hollyj
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Hopefully he has lost you forever.

 

Look, my ex told me he lost all respect for me because I allowed him to treat me poorly and kept coming back for more. And also apologized for things I hadn't even done wrong because I was trying to keep him. All of that kind of behavior is unattractive and does not inspire love in anyone. It just inspires contempt.

 

Please gather up your self respect and never contact him again. Block his number so the next time he tries to get some uncommitted sex off of you he won't be able to get ahold of you.

 

I promise after the initial anxiety wears off you will soon start to feel much better.

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we split up 9 months ago. Every time I read about someone who didn't want a breakup to happen, she just can bring herself to say: He broke up with me. You are in denial. He didn't care enough about you to remain exclusive with you, otherwise, he would've worked on problems instead of bailing.

 

For the past 9 months we have been meeting and sleeping with each other. He knew I wanted him back and still loved him but he didnt want a relationship. If he was a decent man, he wouldn't be sleeping with you without the exclusivity you wanted to maintain. He's a cruel person to give you false hope and to use you in this manner. You're too close to the situation to see what a dirtbag he is, and he actually did you a favor by breaking up with you, which you might one day realize, if you boost your self worth.

 

He started to go cold on me a couple of weeks ago not taking hours to message back not really commiting to any meet ups saying he was busy. I did go round his house and found another girl there. I did lose the plot and screamed a lot. He doesn't owe you anything. He's not accountable to you and he's free to hang out with, and have sex with, whomever he chooses. You two are not longer an item, so you were out of line where these two issue are concerned.

 

I have since spoke asking if we can work things out and apologised for if I got the situation wrong. I had confided in his sister for help in this situation. The only thing anybody wants to do to a doormat, which you're acting like, is to scrape their dirty boots onto and quickly leave that mess behind. There's some stalker behavior as well, showing up at his place unannounced and trying to get his sister's assistance, which likely freaked her out as well, which is why she told her brother about the incident.

 

I'm guessing you don't have much of a life besides having a bf, otherwise, you'd be handling things better than you are. I'd recommend counseling if you can't enhance your self worth on your own, and have trouble becoming a happy, independent woman who is capable of living just fine solo when breakups happen. Respect his request for no more communication, which will ultimately be the best for you as well.

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we split up 9 months ago. Every time I read about someone who didn't want a breakup to happen, she just can bring herself to say: He broke up with me. You are in denial. He didn't care enough about you to remain exclusive with you, otherwise, he would've worked on problems instead of bailing.

 

For the past 9 months we have been meeting and sleeping with each other. He knew I wanted him back and still loved him but he didnt want a relationship. If he was a decent man, he wouldn't be sleeping with you without the exclusivity you wanted to maintain. He's a cruel person to give you false hope and to use you in this manner. You're too close to the situation to see what a dirtbag he is, and he actually did you a favor by breaking up with you, which you might one day realize, if you boost your self worth.

 

He started to go cold on me a couple of weeks ago not taking hours to message back not really commiting to any meet ups saying he was busy. I did go round his house and found another girl there. I did lose the plot and screamed a lot. He doesn't owe you anything. He's not accountable to you and he's free to hang out with, and have sex with, whomever he chooses. You two are not longer an item, so you were out of line where these two issue are concerned.

 

I have since spoke asking if we can work things out and apologised for if I got the situation wrong. I had confided in his sister for help in this situation. The only thing anybody wants to do to a doormat, which you're acting like, is to scrape their dirty boots onto and quickly leave that mess behind. There's some stalker behavior as well, showing up at his place unannounced and trying to get his sister's assistance, which likely freaked her out as well, which is why she told her brother about the incident.

 

I'm guessing you don't have much of a life besides having a bf, otherwise, you'd be handling things better than you are. I'd recommend counseling if you can't enhance your self worth on your own, and have trouble becoming a happy, independent woman who is capable of living just fine solo when breakups happen. Respect his request for no more communication, which will ultimately be the best for you as well.

 

He refuses to speak to me and says he wants nothing more to do with me.

Just feeling very lost and confused :(

 

Well said.....

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OP, I am so sorry that you're going through this kind of heartache. It's really hard and it's not easy to go through.

 

The unfortunate part is, he did break up with you. He had a right to meet someone else and to date someone else, if he wanted to.

 

Broken up, means broken up. Still meeting up and still sleeping together is a very harsh way of not letting go, but it doesn't mean that you're a couple or that you'll be a couple again.

 

I am sorry you had to learn this lesson in a very hard way. Once you've broken up, stay away from them, block, delete. Let go.

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Also, please get some self respect. You're letting yourself be treated very badly and keep returning for more.

 

You need to stop that.

It won't bring him back and he won't respect you if you keep on.

 

On top of it, he or his family members could possibly contact the police if they feel you're overstepping your grounds. Do not let it get to that point.

 

It will be hard, but block him, delete everything from him, do not allow him to contact you ever again.

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Try to remember when some people walk away, it's a gain. Not a loss.

 

Your feelings are hurt. You put your own needs behind his. While this is a good trait, you have to use it wisely.

 

You put someone ahead of you, that also put themselves ahead of you.

 

Ideally, you do this for someone that also does it for you.

 

He knew what he was doing. He knew how you felt. He used that against you. It really sucks. I know. And I'm really sorry. I know, I would expect better from a guy that I was with for so long.

 

But stop kidding yourself... this is him. A better person doesnt use people they care about. They recognize that their feelings aren't there and so they should be the stronger person and not lead on, give hope, or have sex with the other person.

 

know that a person that uses you, will not stop using you just because you make it easy for them. They will not magically decide to be better. Human nature is to do the least effort for the max benefit. So as soon as you accept less. bingo! you get less.

 

Its also not your place to fix people or show them the errors of their ways. Your place is to say, this isn't good enough for me. Bye!

 

Take time to process, love yourself and heal.

 

Know that yes, you were wrong to lose it, show up at his place and act stalkerish. Learn this lesson once and for all... when someone breaks up with you, let them go. And don't let them jerk you around.

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