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Can a lack of text chemistry kill in person chemistry? What should I do next?


joyce
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Two weeks ago my friend set me up with this guy she knows from high school. We texted for a few days then went on a date and it was fun! He seemed quite into me on the date, and afterwards he told my friend that he liked me and thought I was really cool. He also texted me right after and told me he had a good time and suggested he’d like to do it again soon. Unfortunately he had to leave town the day after our date to go see his parents for a week, but I felt pretty confident he would ask me out again when he got back.

 

Now, I am not the biggest texter, especially when I’m first getting to know a guy. I do like it when a guy I’m into initiates texts every once in a while as affirmation that he’s interested, but beyond that, I’d rather just get to know him in person, and I prefer any texts he sends me to be leading up to him asking me out.

 

I get the sense that this guy is the same way (we are both introverted types), but for whatever reason he’s been initiating texts with me every day that he’s been gone. At first, it felt really good because it made me more certain he was interested. But I found that our text conversations were going dead really quickly and it all just felt really forced, especially since we’ve only met once and he can’t lead the conversation to asking me out right now since he’s out of town. I tried to end the conversation a few times because it was starting to feel too forced, but he kept initiating and double texting so I felt a need to continue trying to make the conversations work. This has gone on for a little over a week now, and he’s still at his parents and isn’t sure when he’ll be back. (An extra note: the lack of text chemistry isn't just me. I am pretty good at banter and am able to text many guys no problem. This is the first time I've encountered this issue so strongly, and I did notice it to a lesser degree before our first date too.)

 

Tuesday night we were texting but the conversation died so I stopped answering. Wednesday morning he double texted and tried to pick that same conversation back up. I went along with it as much as I could for a few texts, then changed the subject and asked him a small talk type question to try and make conversation about something different. But now it’s been almost a full 24 hours and I haven’t heard a peep. If the last thing I had said wasn’t a question I probably wouldn’t feel so weird about it, but since it was, it feels like he’s deliberately not answering me (and after double texting and making an effort to revive the conversation just that morning!!) I kind of wish now that I had told him days ago to have a good time with his parents and just text me when he gets back so we didn’t have to fuss with all this texting stuff in between.

 

I’m hesitant to drop him just because of this weird texting thing, because our in person chemistry really had potential and we both seemed interested. I don’t know when he’s getting back or what his schedule is like, but I think he’s supposed to be back sometime next week. Would it be majorly desperate/clingy to send him one more text later today if I still haven’t heard from him? Just saying something like “hope you’re having a good time with the family, shoot me a text when you get back if you want to try meeting up in person again!” So I could put the ball 10000% in his court and relieve any pressure on both ends to make stupid text small talk? Or should I just leave it.

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Focus on meeting in person and scale way back on the texting. People text from toilets, while they are watching TV, from a GFs bathroom, etc. In person takes time effort and shows interest. Do not settle for a text buddy. Just let texting trail off and if he wants someone to chitchat with suggest coffee.

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Agree with LH.

 

All this texting? It literally means nothing. If, rather than being stilted and awkward, it was effortless and invigorating? Well, that would mean nothing, save for the fact that were having fun texting with a stranger. Think of texting less as "chemistry" than as turning on Netflix. Sometimes you zone out to something boring, sometimes to something exciting, but it's still just watching TV, not being out in the world. Seems like you got a little hooked on the attention, even if it was lacking verve. Let that thirst and itchiness just fade, and figure out a time to see him when he gets back, if that's still sounds fun.

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Most people get on here and complain the other person does not text enough! You've done the opposite! I didn't think it was possible :-)

 

Stop sweating him texting you. Remember he's on holiday, he may have been doing family stuff yesterday. He knows how to contact you.

 

Texting is no substitute for a real convo in person, make a plan to meet up when he gets back.

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Thanks all! I wholeheartedly agree that texting is basically useless, especially in this instance. I also really love your netflix analogy, bluecastle. I guess I just want to clarify one thing...you all suggest I focus on meeting in person, figure out a time to see him, suggest coffee, etc. Like I said I strongly prefer in person interactions so of course that is what I want and where I was hoping all this texting would lead.

 

So should I perhaps give it a week or so (since I don't know when he'll be back), then try suggesting meeting again sometime later next week if I still feel like it at that point? Or if he texts me in the meantime then I can shoot the text that says just contact me when you're back?

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Stop sweating him texting you. Remember he's on holiday, he may have been doing family stuff yesterday. He knows how to contact you.

 

You're completely right, thanks :) After all, I did take almost a full day to answer one of his texts a few days ago because I was very caught up in school and work. I would hope he didn't overthink that as much as I'm overthinking this!!

 

I have a nasty habit of reading into these things, which is why I usually prefer to limit texting conversations in the first place.

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Yeah....chemistry is a thing that can only happen in person. Texting is nothing more than a chat buddy, but ultimately meaningless. It honestly sounds like he is anxious to keep your interest while he is gone and since neither one of you are big into this texting thing.....it's predictably awkward. Nothing wrong with addressing the elephant in the room and also throwing the guy a carrot - would love to see you again once you are back in town, meanwhile hope all is well with your parents.

 

Overall, you never know what goes on in people's lives. Could be someone told him to text less because he might come across desperate, so now he stopped. Could be he was picking up the awkward vibe and put things on pause. Could be something personal happened and you are not close enough to be informed and he isn't texting because he is busy. A change in pattern isn't necessary a negative, so try not to sweat that too much.

 

Overall, you had a one date, soooo all you can do now is wait and see if there will be another one or not. Try not to invest too much or put the cart in front of the horse.

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Quite so, DF.

 

"you had a one date, soooo all you can do now is wait and see if there will be another one or not. Try not to invest too much or put the cart in front of the horse."

 

Let him suggest whatever he wishes, when he returns. If he doesn't, well, you miss one bus, the next one will be along soon.

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I think it's a bit strange that you were at first chagrined because he texted too much, now you're chagrined because he's not texting enough! He cannot possibly know what you consider to be too much or too little texting.

 

And BTW, that's not "chemistry". You can't have "chemistry" with words on a tiny screen. I think you might mean compatibility with the amount or frequency of texting.

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Anyone who comes across as hot and heavy at first for any reason is probably up to no good or it'll fizzle out faster than both of you can count to three. Stick to your good senses and if something is telling you the texting is off or the chemistry isn't quite right given how little you both know about each other, listen to your instincts.

 

He may be impatient or insecure about meeting new people, have been rejected before or failed in previous relationships for not texting enough. You don't know enough about this person to form a good idea of what he's actually about.

 

The next time he sends you a text, call him. Ask him how he's doing and how he's enjoying his time with his family. Stop texting hints about meeting up or leaving balls in each others' courts with texts. Keep the phonecall brief and less than five minutes long and just let him know that you would like to touch base when he's free when he's back but you're not much of a texter as you just met and want to take things slower. This will separate the children from the adults and give you an idea of whether he's up for something a bit more down to earth and serious or whether he's looking for a text buddy or something more frivolous.

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So should I perhaps give it a week or so (since I don't know when he'll be back), then try suggesting meeting again sometime later next week if I still feel like it at that point? Or if he texts me in the meantime then I can shoot the text that says just contact me when you're back?

 

Yeah, more or less. I mean, we are talking here about 24 hours without a text from someone (a) you hardly know and (b) you know is not in the same city right now. No biggie, at least to my eyes and nature. He'll likely check in soon, ideally once he's back or when he knows. If you'd like to check in about all that in a day or three or whatever? You do so. Simple.

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I also don't understand this texting obsession when two people are interested.

 

OP, why can't you just tell him what you just told us "I'm not a big texter or a phone person, but I would love it if we can resume this connection when you are back in town." Then you can gauge how interested he actually is in being with you again.

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So, call me old fashioned, but I don't get texting in the first place. How can I have a connection to words on a screen? If you really want to connect and bond with a person, you need to meet in person and be able to see them. Or at the very least, actually use a phone to make a phone call. I feel a lot closer to someone when I can hear their voice.

 

If you are more comfortable in person, then skip the texts and be together in person as soon as you can. It's a lot more fun.

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