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Break up advice needed.


Starfury
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Hey all,

 

Im new to this forum (Hey!) found the link via google search.

Looking for some advice on a recent break up i went through that is eating me up a little. Totally realise im a stranger and that this is my side of a 2 sided story, but thank you in advance.

 

I met my EX 4 years ago, we took things slow to begin with as we both had children from prior relationships - but it went well. We have always done fun things together, going out, travelling etc and have always had a good level of intimacy.

Last year, around June - she had a break down - largely driven by not fully addressing the divorce she went through after 17 years (they got married at 16, he cheated on her a left is the gist of it). She went to therapy but had to take a period of leave from her job to focus on her energy levels etc. Things had certainly changed, but we go through it with support and love.

 

In January this year she tells me she loves me but wants to figure some things out in her head and she asked for a brief break. We agree to a no contact but she would occasionally reach out to have some intimacy. I realise i should have walked away and kept away, but i loved her and wanted things to work out.

 

Fast forward to March and we get back together and its amazing and full of love. The passion came back instantly and we had healthy conversations about the future.

3 weeks ago she asked me if i wanted to buy an house together with her, we saw some and even put in a few bids. We also brought up babies and marriage as a thing to start thinking about. She started work again but quickly got tired again and distant.

 

On monday this week, after a fun weekend together, we go for a meal together (ribs! yes!) and as we finish ordering the food - she says to me (obviously paraphrasing a little):

I love you alot; your an amazing person, great with my kids and i love being around you and what we do.. but i think there is someone better out there for me and im wiling to roll that dice. Now, obviously im startled by it (and yes i may have missed signs, but last Wednesday she told me the day we spent together was "perfect"). I ask if there is someone else; she assures me there isnt and its just that she got back with me due to the corona lockdown and she doesn't think she can spend the rest of her life with me.

She hugs me, kisses me and leaves.

 

Im doing my best to not contact her and sort my own head out during this but the sudden change from love to goodbye is driving me crazy. ive been in break ups before, and broken up with people before but this just makes no sense to me. I should just leave it right? Has anyone experienced anything similar?

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

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This person is being very clear with you why her actions led her to say those things about buying a house together or getting back together during coronavirus. I also remained close with my spouse during the first waves when the pandemic hit even though we are getting divorced soon. There's a lot of care and love involved when there's some apocalypse happening in the world. All that doesn't end spontaneously especially if people aren't inherently bad. I think you need to take things in stride and take some time in processing the break up and what she's just said to you. Go on to live your life peacefully and be grateful that she's been honest with you.

 

I don't think you should contact her anymore after this and let the dust settle. Be kind to each other and let things be for now. Don't look for signs in the sky to get back together or make up any reasons that aren't there for why she cared and now doesn't care. Let it all unfold on its own and be what it has to be. Also remember that if something broke once, there was a reason for it and you need to think long and hard about whether you can repair that or whether that trust is broken permanently.

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Star:

 

She said:

 

" but i think there is someone better out there for me and im wiling to roll that dice. "

 

There, in brief, you have your answer. Have no further contact with her and (in your head) wish her luck in finding the "better". She evidently was of the opinion that you weren't good enough for her, or she wouldn't use the term "better".

 

Next time round, OP, hope you find someone with a little more finesse.

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So sorry to hear about this.

 

Along with Rose, I think the main thing to do, if also the hardest, is to listen to what she said and respect it. She has very clearly stated her core feelings—that she believes there is a better match for her, and that it was the pandemic/lockdown, more than a deep faith in your mutual compatibility and a deep apperception of the voodoo that makes you you, that led to this recent reunion. Devastating, I know. But probably the most critical component of loving someone is listening to them, and respecting them, even when what they say is crushing and means the end.

 

Looking at the big picture here? It seems that you're aware—or have become aware, since the events of last June—that she has some deep feelings from her past that she needs to work through, reckon with, in order to look in the mirror and see a woman who is emotionally stable. I think it says a lot about your own heart, along with your feelings about her, that you tried to allow for that space inside the relationship. Not everyone has an ego that can stand down to that sort of tsunami, and I think you should be proud of those efforts, that display of grace. Sadly, it seems that, for her, it's a journey that can only be embarked on, authentically, outside the relationship.

 

In this, she has shown you that there is someone better for you out there as well. Thank her for that, in silence, and for your time together as you mourn the loss and, in time, open up to what's next.

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Unfortunately this is about as blunt and harsh of a break up as it can be. She told you point blank that she thinks there is a better match out there for her and it's not you AND that she basically has been using you as a stuffed comfort toy and an emotional tampon.

 

I also think that she was being particularly harsh with you because you were so willing to hang around to be used before. She actually lost respect for you over that - referring to sticking around after the original break up, having sex, etc. The first break up should really be the absolute final one.

 

The whole I need a break to find myself is really a cowardly way out where the person is putting it on you to pull up some boundaries and say no to that in that either we are together and you work out your issues within the relationship or you are gone for good, so if you want to be gone, better be sure that's what you want because you aren't coming back once gone. Since you hung around and were unwilling to enforce boundaries, she made use of that....but also lost all respect. Unfortunately for you, it's a lose/lose situation and goes back to the first break up is final rule. Just walk away in the future. It will spare you this kind of waste of time and confusion. Heal faster, be open to the actual right relationship faster.

 

While you are hung up on the wrong person, the right one is walking by unnoticed. Don't do that to yourself.

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Unfortunately you became the friend that helped and supported her while she walked on issues of her feelings and emotional issues. Yes, she does care about you. But she isn't willing to commit to you. Something similar happened to me. I got close to a girl and had eight months of getting close only to have her pull away. When things were great, she would talk of the future and marriage. But it wouldn't last. She would say she needed to figure things out in her head. One day she came back saying not that she thought there was someone better, but that she had found someone else. What I realized was that she was the messed up one and that no matter how much I loved her, her behavior showed she couldn't give me the love and respect I deserved from the relationship.

 

Try to see that there is someone better out there for you. As unfair as this situation is for you, you'll be fine and have something better in the future.

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  • 5 months later...

1st of all, apologies for replying to an old thread - even if it is one I started, but I wanted to give an update on how things have gone since wrote my initial piece.

 

We kept in touch for around 6 weeks after the aforementioned break up, it was a mixture of confusion from my side and I suppose an initial inability to let go.

 

I went to her house (mutually agreed upon) to have a proper discussion about why we broke up.  Im exploring why I wanted this and did this through therapy - which I will get to shortly.

 

Anyway - the discussion was not bad per se, I brought up how some of what she had said made me feel - and felt unnecessarily blunt.  She apologised (which felt half assed) and stated that she will remember that for “the next guy”. No additional context was forthcoming, which I suppose I didn’t expect (even though I wanted it). I kept some degree of composure - said my goodbye and went home.

 

A few days passed, and I received a text message from her - asking if I wanted to come by “for sex” - sadly - I jumped at the chance.   We agreed that I would come on a Monday afternoon and stay until Tuesday afternoon.  I stupidly saw this as a positive sign of potentially getting back together - boy, was I wrong.

 

The day started out better than I imagine, she had planned a full day of stuff we used to do together as a couple;  we would spend the day in bed together, holding each other,  watching films in-between other activities, what we would cook together for dinner, we went for a walk, danced to our fav songs - she acted like she was my partner again - told me she loved me, told me all about what her kids were upto at school and in their personal lives - I started to let my guard down and believe there was a chance..  She fell asleep in my arms after saying she loved me again.

 

The next morning, it was like I had woken up next to a completely different person.

 

We woke up, shared some intimate moments (sparing the details) - and right after we had finished, she lay in my arms and said to me un-prompted:

 

You’re an awesome guy that anyone would want to be with.

I just want someone better than you. 

I hope the sex is good.

I hope he gets on with my kids just as well.

Maybe there is someone better for you too, but I doubt it because I’m the best you will ever have.

I’m sorry I’m hurting you, but I’m not getting any younger and i need a baby and a family home with a 10/10 not a 8/10.

You healed me. its over now.

 

She then proceeded to show me her account on Happn and some of the people she was talking to.

 

I couldn’t quite believe what I was hearing - I got dressed and left.

 

This was in October last year and I haven’t heard directly from her since.

 

I struggled with work/life for a while after this, it was a dark period for me - I’m unpicking this with the therapy I am attending and starting to see the relationship for the unhealthy one it was - which is helping with my healing from this.

 

Ill never understand what happened, I think I am at peace with that - but this ones gonna take time for me to heal from.

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38 minutes ago, Starfury said:

 I’m not getting any younger and i need a baby and a family home with a 10/10 not a 8/10.

Sorry this happened. What does she mean by this remark?

Unfortunately sex with the ex seems like a good idea, but usually it's not.

It would be best to delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Your therapist probably recommended that already.

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2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. What does she mean by this remark?

 

My best guess would be she rates people out of 10 and only ever wants a 10.  She wants perfection.

I have blocked her everywhere i can think of.

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