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Ongoing Family Problems


hollywoodkii
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Basically since 2019 my mother and father has been divorced. My father moved out in April 2020 because they would argue constantly everyday at home for many reasons. My mom feels as if he walked out on my family as their was a pandemic that just started and she wanted to move out at the same time. My father apologized and acknowledged he was wrong for leaving at such a bad time and not sitting the family down before making that decision and making a plan. He lives still in the town in a small apartment. Whenever I even bring up his name her whole attitude will change after would yell at me for just saying his name. She wants me to let him know that what he did was wrong and not speak to him. In april/may me and him barely spoke because I thought it was wrong of him leaving and spoke to him minimal. He would apologize to me many times and to the whole family & I realized that not speaking to him would only make things worse and I wanted them to at least be able to communicate so they could co-parent. Still in september I get yelled at by her for even just trying to help the situation and in the house I live in it's very uncomfortable because nobody wants to speak to one another. I don't know how to treat the situation or what to do because im only 17 and can't move out or stay anywhere .

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Stay at home and don't make any hasty decisions please or go on the streets. I'm very sorry to hear about the divorce and how it's affecting your family. Hold on to your hat and keep your wits about you. It's not your responsibility as a child to parent your parents so keep out of their disagreements. Don't ask for trouble by openly defying your mother. She's upset so leave her be.

 

Keep focusing on your school work and stay focused at school so that when the time comes you're moving out for legitimate reasons such as college or if you find a good job after graduation. Do you have plans after highschool? Are you doing any volunteering or work experience?

 

It's easy to get sucked into other peoples' problems. Don't do that. Keep a cool head and stay removed from the heated arguments.

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Don't take sides. Stay out of it as much as you can. Find a nice way to tell your mum that you don't want to hear about it. If she insists, politely excuse yourself from such conversations indicating that you've got homework to do, etc.

 

Rose suggested volunteering / work experience. Those are great ideas to get you out of the house and learn something valuable in the meantime. Alternatively, why not head to your local library or school library if you want some quiet time to study.

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Basically since 2019 my mother and father has been divorced. My father moved out in April 2020 because they would argue constantly everyday at home for many reasons. My mom feels as if he walked out on my family as their was a pandemic that just started and she wanted to move out at the same time. My father apologized and acknowledged he was wrong for leaving at such a bad time and not sitting the family down before making that decision and making a plan. He lives still in the town in a small apartment. Whenever I even bring up his name her whole attitude will change after would yell at me for just saying his name. She wants me to let him know that what he did was wrong and not speak to him. In april/may me and him barely spoke because I thought it was wrong of him leaving and spoke to him minimal. He would apologize to me many times and to the whole family & I realized that not speaking to him would only make things worse and I wanted them to at least be able to communicate so they could co-parent. Still in september I get yelled at by her for even just trying to help the situation and in the house I live in it's very uncomfortable because nobody wants to speak to one another. I don't know how to treat the situation or what to do because im only 17 and can't move out or stay anywhere .

 

Don't take sides. There's more going on than you realize.

 

I was a child of divorce. My sister and I got stuck between my parents vying for our approval.

 

My dad was better at the game than my mom.

 

Now that I am an adult, I see that it was easy for him, because he wasn't the one who was stuck home taking care of us. He just kind of went "oops," and picked us up on weekends. The perpetual victim of my mom's wrath.

 

My mom worked and took care of us and our home.

 

That is a massive responsibility, even when you factor out the wage disparity. You don't realize this now, because you are too young and you have never been burdened with responsibility like that. You are receiving care, not providing.

 

My dad made the lion's share of the household income but moved into a tiny apartment and cried poverty when it came to child support.

 

That's human greed at work.

 

My mom had to battle it out with him for over a decade.

 

For you, it is a very difficult situation, I know.

 

But at 17, you aren't completely screwed. You can move out at 18.

 

Believe me, if you're motivated, it can happen. Just put your nose to the grind and break free.

 

Don't succumb to the drama.

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Your father was not wrong to end the relationship as it was with your mother. It wasn’t working and it was clearly affecting the entire family.

The timing due to pandemic was not within his control.

 

Yes perhaps he should have spoken to you about it prior, but you must realise that while he didn’t speak to you about it , neither did your mother. I have no doubt she was fully aware of what was happening but she is playing the victim.

 

The household however still seems to be toxic even with your father not there. And that is due to your mother. ?

 

You say she thinks he did the wrong thing moving out during a pandemic yet you say she wanted to move out at the same time?

 

In your own opinion , what actions would have been the right actions to be taken by your father?

Stay in the family home? Continue with a toxic relationship?

 

Your mother is so wrong to not allow you to express your own opinions and her hear them and acknowledge them whether she likes it or not.

Instead she just wants you to mirror her thoughts and pass them on to your father as if they were your own.

Please don’t do that.

 

As you develop relationships of your own , you will realise it’s not black and white. A lot of grey in between.

 

How many siblings do you have?

Are you the eldest?

Are you in contact with your father now?

How is your relationship with him in general? And with your mother?

 

Do you have the option to stay with your father since things are no better at home?

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I'm sorry you are going through this. Things for you to wrap your head around is this:

 

1) It's not your job to be the peacemaker in the family and especially between your parents.

 

2) You don't really know what was going on between your parents behind closed doors that lead to the arguments and the current anger. You might never really know and that's OK. It is not about you and not your problem to solve.

 

3) Your mother trying to prevent the children from having a relationship with their dad is completely in the wrong. You can have whatever relationship you want with your father. Fortunately for you, you are old enough to do just that. If you want to talk to him or see him, it's up to you. What you don't want to do is get in between your parents or become the messenger boy. So keep your relationships to yourself and refuse to discuss the issue or be the messenger. You have to learn how to say no on that to both of them any time they try to get you involved in their disputes. "Mom I love you deeply, but I'm not going to get involved in whatever is going on between you and Dad." and then walk away.

 

4) Your father leaving, pandemic or not, wasn't wrong. Divorced people don't live together and there is never really a good time for separation, people just do it. If you wait for some "right" moment, you'll be 80 years old and still waiting. Separating/divorce - these are not light or easy decisions, but once reached, you have to act on it.

 

5) Make your home life easier for yourself by respecting your mother's emotions even if you don't quite understand why they are so volatile and angry. If she doesn't want his name mentioned, just don't. If you need to talk to someone about your own feelings, what's going - lean on your school resources - school counselor, a trusted teacher even. Ask your mother if you could see a counselor if nothing at school.

 

6) Focus more on your studies, activities, hobbies and your own future - whether it's going on to college, trade school, getting a job, etc. This will also help you to keep out of the tensions at home. You are already at that cusp where you are about to enter adulthood and leave home soon enough and your parents' relationship is neither here nor there for you. Certainly nothing to manage or get involved in. Put your focus where it belongs - your own future and what you need to do to make it a good one. This is really a hard life lesson to resist the urge to jump in and fix things and instead learn to step around and away and leave others to sort themselves.

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y mom feels as if he walked out on my family as their was a pandemic that just started and she wanted to move out at the same time

 

Your mom is petty AF. If she had her way, SHE would have been the one to move out and if she beat him to the punch, you would be here complaining about mom leaving. You knew they were divorcing. Seperation had to happen at some point and was it better for kids to live in a house with constant fighting? If he stayed you would complain about their fighting

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My parents divorced at 19 but i was still at home due save money for college. It wasn't a pretty divorce and there was a period where they were both still there, so I know that's not easy.

 

By moving out, your father probably did the best thing. If they can't get along or work out their issues, then it is better for everyone that they be apart. Otherwise it would end up being non stop fighting that would just get everyone down, especially in a lockdown where you are basically stuck at home and people are more anxious and on nerve. At some point, one of them had to leave so that everyone can start the process of moving on and healing. He probably should have talked it over with everyone first, but he does need to be away.

 

Also know that this isn't your fault. The issues are between your parents, not you and them. They both still love you. That is probably the one thing they won't argue about. They want what is best for you. Unfortunately, you are caught in the middle, even if they don't realize. Sometimes parents are so stuck in their anger and sorrow about the divorce, that they don't see what their behavior is doing. They lash out at the other person because it's easier to blame them then to admit your own faults and actually address what went wrong. As much as you might want to play peacemaker or help them through it, they have to be the one to decide they want to make things better for themselves.

 

Let them know how you feel. You have a right to be upset at the situation and should not be used by your mom to get back at your father. Make clear that they are both your parents and that you love both of them and want a relationship with both. Let them know that you are hurt by their behavior. They should be willing to respect that. Keep your relationship with both separate so you are not dragged into their issues. And focus on you. At 17 you are entering a major period that should be your focus. You are nearing the point where you can decide what what will be best for you. Don't get sidetracked by their issues.

 

Hang in there. Things get better.

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Sorry you are going through such a tough time. I hope you found some peace living with your father. The best thing to do is to focus on your own future. finish school, and get a job....go forward. You can work out your relationship with your mother later...just give her some space. As my dad always said, it will keep, deal with it another time.

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So sorry about all this.

 

If living with your father provides you with more peace right now—well, stay there. You're a kid. Your only job on the planet right now is to grow up, not to manage your parents where they're struggling with the business of being grownups. Easier said than done, I know, but you're a year away from having a lot more control over your own destiny. Take comfort in imagining what you want that to look like, to feel like, and taking whatever steps you need (school, work, friends, whatever) to see that materialize.

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Sorry you're going through this. It's probably for the best that you stay with your father. Your mother sounds like she isn't handling this well. Instead of being around her and constantly have to deal with a negative environment and fights, you should be able to have a peaceful environment to focus on you. Maybe the time apart will give your mom a chance to heal herself and reflect on everything. Hopefully you can repair things in time. For now, enjoy this time before adulthood kicks in. Work towards your goals. And most of all, have fun.

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