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My future MIL has cancer...


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I'm having kind of a dilemma. I got engaged back in November and have been planning a wedding for this November. Yes even COVID wasn't going to stop us from getting married. It wasn't about the number of attendees anyways.

 

However, within the past few weeks my mother-in-law to be has been diagnosed with lymphoma and will be starting an 18 week 6 cycle chemotherapy treatment. Which obviously puts her at getting treated right around the time of my honeymoon.

 

I don't feel comfortable with her being by herself on a treatment week while her son and I are gone. However she doesn't want to stay with her daughter that week and idk how to approach her daughter about maybe looking after her that week. Getting her daughter involved in the treatment plan has already caused a fight between my Fiancè and I so I really don't want to start another one.

 

My questions are this. How should I approach the conversation with my Fiancè about possibly having to cancelling our honeymoon? Or how can I go about convincing my MIL that staying with her daughter for a few days isn't the end of the world.

 

Cancellation of the honeymoon would be disappointing. But I'm used to having to make sacrifices at this point. This whole wedding planning process has been about what I'm willing to sacrifice in order to actually get married this year. I just don't want this to be a decision that I only make and make irrationally. It's my wedding. It would be nice if I could have my cake and eat it too. But if I can't I want to have a realistic conversation

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I'm very sorry about the cancer. Have you tried speaking about it with your fiance first? He may want to be present for his mother but is afraid of breaking your heart about the honeymoon or having to ask you to sacrifice your honeymoon plans. I think this is on you to bring up with your fiance. You seem hesitant. Are you really ok with postponing your honeymoon?

 

Chemo creates a lot of tiredness and fatigue. She should have someone with her. Is she having to visit the hospital every day for the chemo treatment or are these pills?

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I'll echo the sentiment, talk with your finance. It's his mom so he is probably even more worried then you. I'm sure he would be understanding should you feel the need to postpone. It may also be a plus. Depending on what you were planning for the honeymoon, COVID may find a way to limit your options. Most destinations around here are either closed or cut back. The most important thing is getting married. You have a lifetime to celebrate and go on the honeymoon.

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I am sorry about your MIL. If she doesn't stay with her daughter, what are the alternatives? What does your fiance think that you two should do in that case? The first thing to do would be to ask your fiance what he thinks that you two should do given the circumstances. After all, it's HIS mother.

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Personally if I were you, I wouldn't be having a great time knowing my mother in law was at home getting cancer treatments and I wonder if your soon to be husband would feel the same.

 

Family comes first. She deserves to have you both there while going through a very scary time.

 

The honeymoon can come at a later date when things aren't so up in the air. I also think your mother in law would appreciate it so much more if you offered to stay home with her.

Cancer is terrifying. Poor lady. I bet her son would feel better too knowing that he and you both will be there for his mom.

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Getting her daughter involved in the treatment plan has already caused a fight between my Fiancè and I so I really don't want to start another

 

i assume this means you inserted yourself where you should not be. Get married, go on your honeymoon. Let mom and daughter sort it out, or she may ask to stay with other relatives. I have a friend who didn't get married because her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and was going through chemo. Cancer treatment was on and off for several years and there was never a "good time for mom". Guess what? it took them 10 years to get married (they aren't married yet but soon) either because mom was in treatment again, another relative was getting married or whatever. Its better to be gone when mom STARTS her treatment than 12 weeks in. oh before this she turned down a job of a lifetime because mom was diagnosed.

 

Mom will be in treatment for 16 weeks - for 4 months. She will have bad days and good days.

 

Let your husband decide if he still wants to honeymoon. I do think if you can safely go somewhere considering covid for a couple nights vs a long honeymoon you should. Mom wlll survive 2 nights without you.

 

Does she have siblings or a friend?

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Cancellation of the honeymoon would be disappointing. But I'm used to having to make sacrifices at this point. This whole wedding planning process has been about what I'm willing to sacrifice in order to actually get married this year. I just don't want this to be a decision that I only make and make irrationally. It's my wedding. It would be nice if I could have my cake and eat it too. But if I can't I want to have a realistic conversation

 

You are inserting yourself where you shouldn't with not letting your fiance handle things with his sister - or not, and you talk about how you are sacrificing. Are you sure you aren't a tinge codependent?

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While I agree with you to a certain degree, abit, I have gone through the chemo treatment in support of two of my very close friends. It's no walk in the park.

 

It's very upsetting and very scary the first few treatments and to see how you, as a person, are going to react. Some react violently, some are stronger to endure the chemo, but for all, there are side effects.

 

There is also no guarantee how it will actually go. I doubt this young couple wants the thought of mom being six feet under and knowing they left her at such a crucial time.

 

I agree with what some of the others said above, you will have the rest of your life to take a honeymoon together and to go when the time is right.

 

Leaving mom when she's about to embark on one of the worst times in her life, doesn't seem like the right time.

 

Just my two cents.

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While I agree with you to a certain degree, abit, I have gone through the chemo treatment in support of two of my very close friends. It's no walk in the park.

 

It's very upsetting and very scary the first few treatments and to see how you, as a person, are going to react. Some react violently, some are stronger to endure the chemo, but for all, there are side effects.

 

There is also no guarantee how it will actually go. I doubt this young couple wants the thought of mom being six feet under and knowing they left her at such a crucial time.

 

I agree with what some of the others said above, you will have the rest of your life to take a honeymoon together and to go when the time is right.

 

Leaving mom when she's about to embark on one of the worst times in her life, doesn't seem like the right time.

 

Just my two cents.

 

I am sure they could go away for two nights vs a full trip and still be there for mom. But bottom line, the fiance should lead on whether he is comfortable with going away or not. its his mom. She said "she will be starting chemo" - does that mean she would be starting the day after their wedding, a week later etc. They need a break before going into the role of caregiving to kick off their marriage. They are not her only relatives - she has a daughter, its possible she has good friends who could drive her or sisters, brothers. I get she needs help, but there will be weeks and months to help mom. I have a relative with lymphoma and it doesn't go away depending on what type it is -- if its the type you can live with for years, it will go for periods of being and bay and not.

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While I agree with you to a certain degree, abit, I have gone through the chemo treatment in support of two of my very close friends. It's no walk in the park.

 

It's very upsetting and very scary the first few treatments and to see how you, as a person, are going to react. Some react violently, some are stronger to endure the chemo, but for all, there are side effects.

 

There is also no guarantee how it will actually go. I doubt this young couple wants the thought of mom being six feet under and knowing they left her at such a crucial time.

 

I agree with what some of the others said above, you will have the rest of your life to take a honeymoon together and to go when the time is right.

 

Leaving mom when she's about to embark on one of the worst times in her life, doesn't seem like the right time.

 

Just my two cents.

 

I am with Sherry here. I would have stayed and been there for my MIL during that time (it's not like it's every day) regardless of the fact whether the daughter wants to be there or not... And believe me, that will bring her so much joy and comfort and you will be contributing to her recovery too.... And then, you can have a more relaxed honeymoon later...

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