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I don’t know if I should divorce my wife.


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To start I married someone from Vietnam. I knew her for 5 years, met here in Vietnam to propose, and brought her here then married her.

 

When she came here she knew she would live with my parents. While I work on and fix a house next door. My parents need me to stay with them to help financially.

 

We had an argument and my parents joined in. Now she is staying at her relatives saying she will not return to this house. She wants us to get an apartment together.

 

I told her that my parents won’t be able to afford this place and it not like we would be living in the same house once the other house is fixed up. But she still won’t comeback and has stopped talking to me. Also when she would talk to me it was like it wasn’t here messaging me. It was like her relatives are telling her what to say.

 

Also two days after the fight I got a call from her doctor and found out she has Chlamydia. I tested negative for it. I wanted her to do a paternity test where they get the babies DNA from the mothers blood.

 

She is pregnant and part of the conditions for her to stay in the United States is that she would have to live with. I keep telling her I can’t stay married to you and live in separate home because we could get in trouble.

 

I’ve talked to an attorney about filing for divorce but I don’t know what to do. The attorney said that there’s a possibility I could get full custody of it’s mine because she doesn’t have a green card yet.

 

I don’t want to do this to her but I don’t see any other options. Any advice would help.

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I'm sorry you're in this tough situation. I'm not sure if maybe you're expecting her to be fine with the parents situation because she's from Vietnam and I know in the Asian culture adults often live with parents. I must say though that as a Western woman I wouldn't be happy with this situation either. I don't want to live with my partner's parents. I want my own space and privacy. You said you had an argument and your parents joined in. It shouldn't be like that. You are the married couple and it should be between the two of you, without the parents meddling. I don't really blame her for wanting your own apartment if your parents get involved in your relationship. That's just my personal opinion on the living situation.

 

Regarding the other things...I think she's being immature to ignore you and not come back to the house at this stage. I understand she wants your own place soon but the silent treatment and not coming home is passive aggressive and immature. You are her husband so why is she wanting to live away from you? Reharding chlamydia. Yes that does seem suspicious, especially as you don't actually have it. So the question does beg where she got it from. I would suggest though don't do anything rash just because you had a fight. If you want to do the paternity test then yes I suggest you get one for your own peace of mind. Have you asked your wife if she cheated on you? I think you actually need to talk to her directly and ask her all this. Otherwise how can you know what's really going on. I understand she's ignoring you but maybe you could ask her to meet and talk in person?

 

If you are the baby's father then do you think you'll stay with your wife? Or have your feelings about her actually changed?

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You can't blame her for her family jumping into the arguments , when yours did, too.

 

Do you think she cheated on you? Did I miss that part?

 

I think the advice to talk to divorce and immigration lawyer is good. Also think about do you really want to divorce her? Why did you marry her? The baby? The green card? love?

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She has Chlamydia. The chances that the baby is yours, is very low if you've tested negative for chlamydia.

 

She is cheating on you. That's reason alone to divorce.

 

However, you're not totally without fault either. You cannot, nor should not be involving your parents in any business that has to do with you and your spouse and then essentially ganging up on your spouse. 3 against 1 is completely unfair and terrible to do to someone.

Your parents don't need to know your business when it comes to you and your spouse and have no right to know about what you're fighting about.

 

Neither of you should be in a relationship. Neither of you are good partners. But you should definitely divorce.

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IMO, adults need to plan for their elderly years without relying on financial help from children, so if they can't afford their house, they should sell it and downsize, moving into a place they can afford. Yes, there can only be only one queen bee in the hive, so it's no surprise these sorts of issues arose. What was your plan when the other house if fixed up and you move into it? How are your parents affording to live where they do without you paying rent? Would no local woman date you since you live with your parents, and that's why you thought to do a LDR relationship? Apparently, the LDR relationship didn't offer the knowledge about her you needed to know to be making such a major decision as marriage and bringing a child into the world.

 

What are you willing to do to save the marriage? Counseling? Moving into an apartment or expediting fixing up the house next door and moving in? Now that there is a child involved, if you are biologically the parent, you need to do what's best for the child, and that means not taking him/her away from his/her mother with full custody. If it's not your child, perhaps divorce is a possibility, but if she gets a green card regardless of the divorce, you will be financially responsible for her for 10 years besides child support, as per the legal papers you signed for her to come to your country to marry you. It's probably in your best interest to stay married if she is not a cheater, so counseling will probably be the only way for you two to learn to communicate more effectively. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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Wouldn't it have worked out better if your parents moved to a place they could afford, and you live somewhere you can afford and still help out your parents?

 

I agree I don't blame any spouse that has to deal with their in-laws, especially living with them.

 

Anyways, looks like your in a pickle. Find out what they hell she's been up to, get a paternity test, and in 6 months get tested again for STDs. You may have tested negative, but it could be a false negative.

 

Weigh your options with the lawyer, if you choose to get a divorce. If not, seek marriage counseling, and sort out the living arrangements with your parents to make this work. There are many options, take your time, breathe, think. Take care of yourself.

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The Doctor told me because I am authorized on her account because she doesn’t speak English very well.

 

Another thing is before she came. Someone in Vietnam messaged me and told me she was cheating on me. She asked me to trust her and I did.

 

I don’t think she understands how it looks

 

I also feel like when I text her, it’s not her talking to me. I think she lets her relatives talk for her.

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Well.....can you ever really get past the cheating part now that you know it's true?

 

Also, I don't think any stranger can tell you what to do about the child and the marriage. You have some incredibly hard decisions to make and you've got to figure out what you want and what you can live with best. Maybe for now wait on the paternity test results. If the child isn't even yours, I'd think your choices will be easier to make.

 

Of course if she refuses to talk to you and you have other family members speaking for her, then you might not have a choice but to serve her with divorce papers and be done. You can't really deal with, stay married to, or otherwise coparent with someone who both refuses to communicate and cooperate with you and also cheats and lies.

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The Doctor told me because I am authorized on her account because she doesn’t speak English very well.

 

Another thing is before she came. Someone in Vietnam messaged me and told me she was cheating on me. She asked me to trust her and I did.

 

I don’t think she understands how it looks

 

I also feel like when I text her, it’s not her talking to me. I think she lets her relatives talk for her.

 

Why are you texting as a means of communication? Pick up the phone and CALL her or go see her and talk to her in person.

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Sorry I don't mean to be rude but unless you speak pretty good Vietnamese then how do you actually communicate with your wife if she hardly speaks English? To be honest your relationship just sounds like an arranged mail order bride situation. If you have a big language barrier obviously the relationship is kind of superficial because you can't talk to each other properly. It's not excusable but this may explain why she's cheating on you. Because she doesn't actually love you and she only married you to live in the US. If someone already told you she was cheating and now there's the chlamydia situation, very likely she was actually cheating. Having said that you may still be the baby's biological father. I mean if you were equally having unprotected sex with her then it can also be you. Definitely a good idea to get a paternity test. Then once you know if you're the father or not, you can make decisions from there. If you're not the father then sure you can divorce your wife and let the other guy deal with it. If she was stupid enough to be having an affair and use no protection either. In that case there's not much sympathy for her.

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One thing I’m embarrassed about is her relatives called the police when we having the argument. Nothing happened when the police came. They didn’t even make a police report. The police told her relatives not to call them again.

 

I’ve asked her if I could talk to her in person but she doesn’t answer. I’m afraid to go to see her at work because I’m afraid her relatives will call the police on me.

 

I’ve told the attorney to proceed with the divorce.

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One thing I’m embarrassed about is her relatives called the police when we having the argument. Nothing happened when the police came. They didn’t even make a police report. The police told her relatives not to call them again.

 

I’ve asked her if I could talk to her in person but she doesn’t answer. I’m afraid to go to see her at work because I’m afraid her relatives will call the police on me.

 

I’ve told the attorney to proceed with the divorce.

 

Given all that, I'd say divorce is your only sane option here. Be sure that you lock down all your credit cards, credit info, banking, etc. Put a freeze on all of it today. Once she gets served, expect fireworks and be ready for it ahead of time. Make sure she cannot open anything in your name or wipe you out financially and run back to Vietnam where you can whistle for your money.

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IMO, adults need to plan for their elderly years without relying on financial help from children, so if they can't afford their house, they should sell it and downsize, moving into a place they can afford. Yes, there can only be only one queen bee in the hive, so it's no surprise these sorts of issues arose. What was your plan when the other house if fixed up and you move into it? How are your parents affording to live where they do without you paying rent? Would no local woman date you since you live with your parents, and that's why you thought to do a LDR relationship? Apparently, the LDR relationship didn't offer the knowledge about her you needed to know to be making such a major decision as marriage and bringing a child into the world.

 

What are you willing to do to save the marriage? Counseling? Moving into an apartment or expediting fixing up the house next door and moving in? Now that there is a child involved, if you are biologically the parent, you need to do what's best for the child, and that means not taking him/her away from his/her mother with full custody. If it's not your child, perhaps divorce is a possibility, but if she gets a green card regardless of the divorce, you will be financially responsible for her for 10 years besides child support, as per the legal papers you signed for her to come to your country to marry you. It's probably in your best interest to stay married if she is not a cheater, so counseling will probably be the only way for you two to learn to communicate more effectively. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

This is ingrained in the Asian culture. I have a couple of friends who live with their parents and are the main source of support. If this girl is from Vietnam, I am certain she she lived in the same situation.

 

OP, I am sorry that she cheated on you. This is a horrible situation. How far along is she in the pregnancy?

 

What country are you living in?

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Not looking good for you. As far as STDs, you'll have a tough time proving anything. As far as bringing someone here to look after your parents in exchange for residency not looking good either.

 

You need to realize once you open this Pandora's box of a sham marriage you are as culpable as she is. Keep in mind there's a vigilance now about bringing over Asian brides and using them as slave labor. She is with her family and community and apparently she fled to them because of abuse?

 

If you re looking for spite/deportation and reasons to assume she is cheating it can all backfire because your hands are far from clean here. Especially with something on record about a domestic call. You need excellent legal advice.

One thing I’m embarrassed about is her relatives called the police when we having the argument. Nothing happened when the police came.
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So all she wants is her own space, but you blame your folks need you to stay. No you don't. You can pay for the house/mortgage while living with her own family instead. Or your folks need to downsize. You can't live with them forever you know. And the baby thing, there is a false negative chlamydia test percentage is between 0-14%.

 

I hope she gets a flight back to Vietnam. Good luck trying to get the baby back. I know that sounds mean, but I don't see how you have been making her your top priority.

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