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I’ve had enough of my mom and my sister, advice needed


jennylove
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It sounds like your mother is in a tough spot trying to be fair to both her daughters.

 

Live your life and don't worry about what everyone thinks. Your mother has every right to invite her daughter over without you causing drama about it.

 

Try to keep whatever rancor you have toward your married sister to yourself or with a therapist. Your mother shouldn't be a referee, as if toddlers are still fighting over her attention.

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And another thing that I could use advice about while I’m at it here...

 

I do a lot of nice things for my mom that she knows should only be between us because my sister will blab about it to my dad and stepmom. The thing about that is, they get their feelings hurt too that I do these things for my mom and not much for them. One thing that my mom and enjoy doing together are religious things. My mom is a strong Catholic and she LOVES going to “healing services” by healing priests when available. There are times when I’ve driven hundreds of miles to see one, and I actually did receive a physical healing that was somewhat miraculous. But I wanted it to remain private, not too many people in this town believe in these types of things, and my own family thinks it’s all very scary and weird to go to these events, including my sister. So why would my mom tell her about our trips and my healing knowing she’s against it and will spread rumors and gossip about us going in a bad manner? It’s private! My mom wants to see a very well-known healing priest who will be within 200 miles from us soon, and since she doesn’t drive long distance (or fly) she wants us to go together. I want to go, I want mom to go, but I’m not taking her because she’ll blag about it to my sister, who knocks it and thinks it’s “crazy”. I mean, damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

 

Why are you so afraid of being judged by non-believers? If your faith is strong, you have nothing to fear. Practice more of your faith locally, mix and mingle online even with your church group friends or join a scripture study. Healing comes in many forms - sometimes it's practical and other times it's spiritual. Your mother is leading a fearless life walking in her faith regardless of what others say about her.

 

If you don't believe in God in the first place why are you going to these events or trying to be something you're not? Find some conviction in your life and stick with it. You're insecure about yourself and asking for other people to handle you with care because you're broken and fragile. This can only go on for so long if you've experienced trauma or heartbreak. Whatever you have gone through in life, others have also walked before you. Find a therapist or counsellor who can help you work through your fears or talk them through. It's no life living in constant fear, fear of being judged or bullied or persecuted for your beliefs or non-beliefs. Stop judging others too and maybe you'll also find peace in yourself.

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Huh? Where did I say or insinuate that I am not a believer? Pretty sure I posted about wanting to go, enjoying it, and receiving a healing myself. My beliefs belong to me and I dont like being a laughingstock for my beliefs because of my sister fabricating everything. It’s private. I’m not wrong for expecting my mom to remain quiet about it since I’m the one who takes her and that is my only request. She can tell anyone she wants about her experience, but leave me out of the story. That’s all.

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Huh? Where did I say or insinuate that I am not a believer? Pretty sure I posted about wanting to go, enjoying it, and receiving a healing myself. My beliefs belong to me and I dont like being a laughingstock for my beliefs because of my sister fabricating everything. It’s private. I’m not wrong for expecting my mom to remain quiet about it since I’m the one who takes her and that is my only request. She can tell anyone she wants about her experience, but leave me out of the story. That’s all.

 

That's my point. There are people who are going to have an opinion whether they're vocal about it or not. If this is such an issue avoid going to those events with your mother. I think cutting out family members or going to extremes will end up hurting you most of all. If you know anything to do with your sister is a no-go or she's rude, judgmental, small-minded avoid her and leave your mum out of it. If you have God or if you are a believer, why do you care what others think of you? Keep up your momentum in other ways and don't let these things get you down. You'll be fine if you let things roll off your back and speak up more for what you think is right. Eventually people show themselves for what they really are and true colours will come through.

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It sounds like you're already on the right track, setting boundaries to protect yourself. The geographical change would likely help you find a path for your life, and will help overcome the codependency on mom. It sounds like you pretty much have a game plan, just need to start the ball rolling. Small steps toward that life goal, like selling the condo and furniture, contacting the east coast friends to make arrangements, etc. Maybe even write out your plan so you can see the progress. Prayers for wisdom and guidance.

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I don’t know I would kind of like to make a point. My father passed away a week and a half ago. He was not the best parent by far. But to tell you the truth his passing and funeral was far far far more painful than I ever imagined. So carefully think about what you want to do. Really.

 

You may think your mom and sister are annoying as crap now but you might not think so when they are gone.

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Seraphim,

I’m soooo sorry for your loss!! One of my coworkers lost his dad recently, and he hadn’t been of good terms with his dad in several years. He did get to say his goodbye just before his dad passed which gave him some relief, but yeah, he had a very hard time with his passing. My mom and I once talked about how much I’ll be grieving when she passes, and she actually said she thinks it’ll be easier on me if I am not living in the area, because it’ll likely be harder for me to move in due to all the memories of places that my mom frequented will be in my face all the time. Plus, I do t have much of a support system in my current town. I love my mom dearly and I hate to move away especially as she enters her 70’s, but I’m so fed up with her blabbing mouth, my sister infiltrating my oasis (home) and spreading malicious lies and just the general area.

 

I forgot to mention my nephew, my only nephew. I don’t care that he’s 14, glued to his phone, but never responds to me or my parents calls or texts, that’s his prerogative. But what happened a few weeks ago is mind boggling to me.

 

I offered to take him school shopping for clothes and supplies , and I had a budget of 500.00, but I exceeded that budget by another 100 because he begged and pleaded for more shirts. Out of love, I overspent. A few days later, I found out that the “extras” that he wanted soooo bad was actually a scheme, he wanted them for his father. His father likely put him up to it, but talk about scandal! Again, that’s how much my efforts are appreciated in this “family.”

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All I'll say is, Jen, that friends are the family you make as you go through life. I am appalled at what you relate about your nephew. Scheming and manipulative. He's on his way to a valuable adulthood.

Just keep away from all the annoyance and anguish, Jen.

 

Don't get guilted into thinking how bad you will feel when these people pass away. If people no matter who (family or friends) do not know how to behave then distance yourself. Guilt is toxic.

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Sorry for all this.

 

There's a lot of anger coming through in your posts, understandably. What I can't help but wonder is the degree to which you find comfort, if of a jagged variety, in that anger, in holding onto it as something precious. Or if not comfort, some sort of emotional reward. If there's a theme here, it's that you are the good apple in the sour patch: caretaker of mom, generous aunt, cultured liberal in the backwoods, while being trampled at every turn: by your sister, by your mom, by your nephew, by uppity "Karen's."

 

That's one way to go through it all, and one way to affirm some sense of ourselves, but it's worth asking: Is it really serving you?

 

Moving would alleviate some of the thornier inter-familial stuff, no doubt. Thing is? If it's not your sister using the pool when you don't want her to, or in a way that you don't like, it will be a neighbor. If it's not your nephew failing to appreciate your kind nature, it will be an ornery shop clerk who makes the experience of buying paper towels less than enjoyable. It will be a post or meme on social media denigrating people who believe in "healing services." It will be an anonymous someone on an internet forum who says something that doesn't gel with you. What do you do then?

 

Guess I'm encouraging you to look within a bit, to take the energy that goes into documenting the shortcomings of others and redirect it toward yourself, and figuring out what you need to feel at peace. Your mom, your sister, your nephew, and so on: these people don't wake up with a calculated plan to bring you down, or lift you up. They're just people being people, like you, with their unique strengths and weaknesses, their unique limitations. If the way you choose to interact with them creates disharmony, you can make adjustments, big or small, to cultivate harmony for yourself. It really is, in the end, as personal as you want to make it.

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jennylove,

 

While I know that our ties to our families can be strong and that we want to be there for them and have great relationships with them, that's not always the case. My family has put me through a lot and done things to me that aren't right. I've been just as upset as you are. So go ahead and be angry. Go ahead and vent. It's good to get the emotions out. We don't choose our families and sometimes we get stuck with ones we don't really fit into.

 

What I was once told and have come to see is true, is that family isn't who we are born with, it's who we make it. While it's good to maintain a cordial relationship with them, we don't have to be tied down to them. If they make us upset and bring us down, we are not obligated to be with them. As much as I love my mother, a once a week half an hour call is about what I can stand. I still make sure she knows she can reach me at any time, but I'm not going out to put myself in harms way by doing more then I can handle. On the other hand, my best friend is more family to me then anyone connected by blood. Maybe you need more positive influences in your life?

 

Focus on your life and what will make you happy. Focusing on these negative acts and feelings will only lead to you feeling worse. The negative will eat you up if you let it. Try to look at positive things and do what is best for you.

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I am very thankful for everyone who replied, thank you for taking the time!

 

Little update: since posting this, I dug deep, and I decided I still need to move, but maybe I’ll wait until this spring.

And then I got triggered again, and I decided I need to leave sooner rather than later. The trigger this time was my mom and sister texted me that my sister finally got an offer on her house, and the guy buying it is someone I’ve known since childhood. This guy had had a very rough life, but he always remains positive and pushes thru. He doesn’t make much money, but he is good with saving and this is his first home. So why did I get upset? I asked if she was honest about the things wrong with the house, such as, a flooding basement, or the garage door that doesn’t open or close during the winter? Nope, she wasn’t. I feel awful for the guy. I threw up my hands when I learned about this and said to myself “done”.

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He is, but the inspector won’t know about the flooding unless it rains the day of inspection. And the garage door stops working once the weather is below 32. Last year, the door stopped during mid opening, and they couldn’t get their car out. They were able to push the door up, but then they couldn’t get it to close so it stayed open all winter. Same thing the year before. The inspector will hopefully discover that the dishwasher leaks bigtime, also not revealed, and that a couple fans don’t work. But those bigger things? Probably not.

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Just stay out of her business and news. You can move around the word 7 times but unless you create boundaries for yourself the nonsense will continue when you seethe about her news/business. Just say "that's nice" and get off the phone.

 

Do not meddle or undercut out of spite. Do not contact this guy. It's his realtor's responsibility and his responsibility to get a building inspector, etc. Spite and hate begets spite and hate. Walk away. He doesn't need your "help" to protect him from your "evil" sister.

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He is, but the inspector won’t know about the flooding unless it rains the day of inspection. And the garage door stops working once the weather is below 32. Last year, the door stopped during mid opening, and they couldn’t get their car out. They were able to push the door up, but then they couldn’t get it to close so it stayed open all winter. Same thing the year before. The inspector will hopefully discover that the dishwasher leaks bigtime, also not revealed, and that a couple fans don’t work. But those bigger things? Probably not.

 

Why are you getting involved so much in other people's lives and also presuming so much? Serious question for you. Not only that, but you conjure all these negative presumptions and then stew in your anger and righteousness.....but are you really so right?

 

If the inspector can't see water damage and misses that on his report, the guy can well sue the inspector because that would be serious incompetence on his part.

 

The garage stops working when it's 32 outside? Call a garage door company and get it fixed. Most likely a maintenance issue. Also, totally none of your business what people do about it if anything at all. In the general scheme of things that go wrong in the house, this is but a minor issue that you are blowing up into a mountain....and again, not your issue, not your problem. For all you know this "poor" guy is quite handy and can manage to fix that himself among many other things. All these issues are between the inspector and him and his own decision what he does and doesn't want to take on in an old house.

 

None of this is any of your business, yet not only are you sticking your nose in it, you are all in arms about it. Nobody is forcing you, nobody is asking you for your opinion, nobody is doing anything to you. This is all completely self motivate and driven by yourself.

 

I think Blue has an excellent point that you seem to enjoy this anger and hate you are stewing in. On some level, this is working for you.

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What happens when you are 100 miles away, or 6,000, and you learn about something in your sister's life that "triggers" you? I'd think about that a bit, dig deep on that question, because best I can see things? I say this really feeling for you, but as long as you think your sister's or mother's primary agenda in the world is to upset you, and as long as that story is important to you and your sense of self, no amount of distance is going to dismantle it.

 

I bought a house a while back from people I knew, people I liked, people I trusted were good people. Alas, some issues came up that were missed in the inspection report, as happens, something like 99 percent of the time, when people buy homes. I don't think the inspector was a crook, or those supposed good people were trying to screw me. Was what it was: people being people, life happening, homeownership being the sometimes awesome, sometimes sucky thing that it is, an adventure this dude is embarking on. His life. He'll figure it out.

 

You should move for you, because in digging deep you've realized that your best self can be inhabited elsewhere. If you make moving a reaction to a "trigger" like this? Well, you're just ensuring that said trigger becomes the soundtrack to the move, that when you get settled in a new place and look around at the scenery what you'll see are the ghosts of your mother and sister taunting you.

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Read: "Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life" By Jon Kabat-Zinn, an American professor emeritus of medicine and the creator of the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School.

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jennylove, you sound like a remarkably honest and sincere person. You want people to do the decent thing. Unfortunately, that doesn't always happen and you seem to be around people who don't think that way. While your intentions are good, there needs to be that space so you aren't constantly driving yourself crazy over other people's issues. I've banged my head against the wall many times dealing with people who refuse to change or show the tiniest bit of decency in some area. And all it got me was a sore head. These other people will face the consequences of their actions in time. As soon as you are able, please move and surround yourself with a new, more positive environment. Hopefully a fresh start can bring you some peace of mind.

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