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I’ve had enough of my mom and my sister, advice needed


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My mom and I are very close, but the roles have always felt reversed, which has totally drained me. I guess you can say we are codependent. Even when I was a kid, I felt it was my duty to look after her.

 

My sister is 4 years older. I know the term “Narcissists” gets used a lot these days. But let me tell you, she truly truly is. I’ve studied Narcissists for years and she is IT to the text. I’d love to tell you about all the drama she and her family have caused in our family, but I’ll spare the details. She’s toxic, SNEAKY and full of JEALOUSY. I’ll leave it at that.

 

Everyone in my family has had a piece of my sister, and when she serves you, it leaves you in a state that can’t be described other than numb. After a few times, I’ve grown very cold to her. I am civil, but I do not trust her and I e made it very clear to my mom that I do not want her knowing anything about my life because she twists the truth as she gossips to others. Mom knows this.

 

But over the past year, mom accidentally has leaked information to her that was supposed to be between mom and I. This last time was my last straw. I’ve had enough.

 

I’m now thisclose to packing up and moving far away from my family. I can’t trust them, I can’t confide in them, the town is run down, so why stay?

 

I’ve always stayed because my mom (70) has nobody else except me and sis. My sister will take advantage of her. But now I’m to the point where I Don’t Care. The only thing I asked for from my mom was privacy from my sister and she can’t even give me that, so why should I care anymore. I will not cut off my mom, but I will not talk to her about anything in my life anymore, and it will be easier if I move away. I’ve always loved a different state and the only reason I’ve never moved there was because of mom. But now I’d like to move to get away from her. She moved in right next door to me last year, and my sister now visits her allllll the time. She never visited her at her old house, but now she’s constantly there at mom’s new place. Even seeing her van outside my window everyday gives me a headache, we live in a condo and I hate that my sister now has access to the pool, etc. I just want out. But my mom will get taken advantage of in the years to come.

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You say it's your last straw, then say you're 'this close' to leaving.

I say move. You can still be a caring daughter involved in your mom's life, but yes it will take more effort. If you move even an hour or two away, you're close enough to drive in once or twice a month to see your mom, but far enough that you can carve out a private, peaceful life for yourself in your own little corner of the world.

You must decide...is this your last straw REALLY?

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It’s my last straw. One of the things holding me back is the fact that I need to sell my place, and I’m going to end up selling some furniture which will be a huge loss for me financially. If not for the condo and furniture, I’d be on my way.

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I fully understand wanting to watch over and protect your mother. My mom gave up a lot to raise me so I've always been the one to stand by her when others didn't. But there is a point where you realize that she is an adult who makes her own decisions. If she chooses to let your sister take advantage of her, that is her choice. You can't let that ruin your life and make you miserable. Like you said, you wouldn't be abandoning her. You will keep in touch and you can still "advise" your mom from afar. However, you are not responsible for her life and what she chooses to do. If she listens to you, great. If not, then that is on her. Don't feel bad about wanting to get away. Sometimes it for the best when we leave things behind and truly get on our own to spread our wings.

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If you can move and want to move, then move.

 

If it's not feasible due to logistics and finances, then don't move. Change yourself. Don't confide in your mom anymore. Only engage in BRIEF superficial conversations; no more, no less. Enforce healthy boundaries. Remain civil, well mannered, respectful yet distant.

 

Should your paths ever cross with your sister, again, remain civil, polite yet distant. These are boundaries for yourself.

 

Don't pay attention to your sister's van or her visits to the pool. Don't bother to care. Live your own life. Focus and concentrate on healthy diversions for yourself. Don't make your mom and sister your whole life anymore.

 

Other people will never change nor change for you. It's up to you to change the way you think, change how you act and from now on, you're in control regarding how you wish to navigate your life. Shift gears and readjust yourself especially if you don't see yourself moving within the near future. I've done this new strategy with certain disdainful people in my life and it works great.

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Spend more time with your friends even if it's over the phone or by video if you're in lockdown or events aren't the same in your area. There's too much emphasis placed on this friendship or trust with your mother. Eventually that cord has to be cut and you'll have to go on and live your own life according to your own standards and rules. Practice good boundaries when it comes to everyone, not just your mother. It takes time to build friendships and even friends fail or make mistakes. Move if you feel it's in your best interests, not out of an emotional reaction.

 

I think your disdain and disagreements with your sister are consuming you also. The more you limit your connections to that part of your life, the more peaceful things will be. Accept that life isn't smooth all the time. There are some horrible moments or days and unexpected issues that come up. You need to learn to deal with that as it comes without letting it ruffle your feathers too much.

 

Do you mind me asking what's going on with your sister? Did she just lose her job? Go through a break up? There may be reasons why she's spending more time over and that's her mother just as much as she is yours.

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Not much you can do. Your mother wants a relationship with your sister because that's normal.

 

Your mother also can talk to whoever she wants about whatever she wants.

 

She can also invite her daughter to her home whether you like it or not.

 

You can't put your mother in an untenable situation of being a referee in your intense sibling rivalry.

 

You'll have to come to terms that your mother is her own person and not exclusivity there for you to the exclusion of her other child.

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Thank you everyone!!

 

I will not move just because of this, I’ve got too much to take care such as selling furniture and my place, no room for rash decisions. This plays a huge role, but the other factor is the career development here is nit good. And the people are basically “Karen’s”. I prefer a more liberal and cultured environment. I stick out like a sore thumb here.

 

I am trying to check myself and make sure that I’m not playing referee with my mom. There are times that I do, yes. But I do check myself, I realize it’s part of codependency. But I do ha e the right to confide in my own mom and expect privacy. I am called “the vault” amongst people because once o am told something is private, I will not tell a soul. Mom has also told me some very private things and she’d be devastated if I told anyone. I’m sad that I can’t trust her.

 

My friends...well...they have moved away. Most moved to Florida. I’m not interested in Florida . My heart belongs on the East Coast, I have a few friends out there, I predict stronger friendships will blossom after moving.

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I say stop confiding in your mom, find a friend to talk to, and butt out of family business. The less involved and neutral you are, they less you will stress over it. I say everyone needs to "get a life" including your mom. As we get older, we make adjustments....it's time for a change don't you think?

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No, there is no "right to confide and expect privacy" - sounds like kind of an entitlement "Karen" perspective! She's your mom, you're both adults, she is human. My mom does keep my confidences but I don't see it as a right. She is an awesome human being, always has been. But as adults I choose what to confide in her about and my boundaries are based on my love for her- she is 85 and I don't want to upset her/rile her up if I possibly can -I know I already irritate her sometimes lol.

 

Even if you move you'll take yourself with you. Take space without moving.

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While gossip is not cool, your mother can and should speak to whomever she wants. If you want bullet proof confidentiality, you'll have to talk to a therapist, physician, attorney or clergy. They are bound by this, not your mother. If she speaks to others about this or that then do not disclose "secrets". The burden of your privacy is on you, not her.

I do ha e the right to confide in my own mom and expect privacy.
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Ok honestly I get feeling sad that your mom chooses not to keep information you share to herself after you have asked her to. My mom used to do the same thing, not out of any maliciousness, but she liked to gossip. And it was a small town she lived in where I grew up, where there were plenty of people (including some family) who I didn't want being privy to the details of my life.

So here's a fun way to deal with it - just start feeding false and outrageous information. Keep anything you wouldn't want out in the open to yourself. You aren't going to change her. And from what you say, there is codependency there anyways that requires you learning to be less dependent on leaning on her anyway for all forms of support. You can still get loved up by her with some distance. You can still love her. Actually, you might find it becomes a lot more relaxed once you let go of hoping she can provide something she just can't.

I think I was pregnant about 5 times according to the gossips in the town, had a few affairs, way more exciting than my real life :) It doesn't even matter if it's real or believable or not, some people just want gossip over coffee. So storytell away!

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Your 70 year old mother is not Ft. Knox and no, you cannot hold her up to the standards and expectations that you have. If you want something to remain private, than as another poster said - talk to a therapist or a priest and get it off your chest that way. Friends, relatives...even with the best of intentions people can and do slip up. It doesn't make them evil betrayers of your trust, simply human.

 

You accuse your sister of a lot of things, but what raises my eyebrow are your reactions. Seeing her van gives you a headache, the idea that she has access to the condo facilities drives you crazy......and you say that your sister is jealous???? What about you OP? Sounds like some pretty toxic jealousy and anger on your end. You can't fix anyone but yourself so maybe it's time to focus less on your sis and mother and put some focus on fixing your own personal issues. Running away from them won't do you any good as wherever you go there you are, you take your personal problems with you.

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All of this has nothing to do with your mother or sister. You simply feel like a fish out of water because you dislike the area and the people. Yes it would be a good idea to keep the envy and jealousy in check and stop it from eating you.

 

Here's the thing, your mother and your sister and everyone else there is just going on with their lives. You are the one seething and "getting headaches", etc. You have to carve out your own happiness in your own way.

I’ve got too much to take care such as selling furniture and my place, no room for rash decisions. This plays a huge role, but the other factor is the career development here is nit good.

 

And the people are basically “Karen’s”. I prefer a more liberal and cultured environment. I stick out like a sore thumb here.

 

 

My friends...well...they have moved away. Most moved to Florida. I’m not interested in Florida . My heart belongs on the East Coast, I have a few friends out there, I predict stronger friendships will blossom after moving.

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I’m told a lot of private things by people, I’ve known since I was 5 not to share information that someone trusted me with. When I’m asked about anyone or their life, my reply has always been, “If (XYZ) wants you to know, I can promise they will call you and tell you”. Boom. Done. It’s not that my mom “forgets”. No. She doesn’t feel comfortable “lying”. I’ve told her a million times she doesn’t need to lie, she simply needs to say it’s not her place to reveal my information per my request. But no, she can’t do that. Even with nosy neighbors.

 

My sister is the type to make anonymous phone calls or emails to someone’s place of s employment if she gets mad at you, she’ll then try to “whistle blow” on you with exaggerated or false information. She’s done it to me, she’s done it to others. I lent my mom money to buy the place next to mine. She wanted a place without stairs and this condo was in her price range. I told her this is my home too. I’m also paying high HOA and I want to enjoy the amenities without my sister infiltrating the place. That I will tell her I’m the rare occasions that I’ll use the pool, and on those days, I do not want my sister and her family using the pool. Ok. Nope, I can’t even get that. As I laid out one day, her comes my sisters crew. My mom stood there with her hands up and told me they showed up unannounced and she didn’t have it in her to tell them no.

 

My mom has told me lots of secrets and begged me not to tell my sister. Why? Because she knows she’ll gossip to my dad and stepmom and my mom’s sister whom mom doesn’t speak to. I’m loyal to my mom. It’s not unreasonable to expect the same.

 

Jealous of my sister? If you only knew how much I wish her well deep in my heart. I believe she’s extremely damaged by her husband, she’s become a shell of a person since marrying him. He hates women, especially fat, successful women like me. She’s become a stepford wife and her jealousy is palpable.

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Wiseman,

 

Yes, the location and the “Karen’s” have 59 percent to do with my desire to move. I’ve been talking about it for 2 years. One thing that keeps me here is it’s extremely cheap to live here and I make a good income. My place is paid off. Unfortunately it’s against HOA to rent or homeshare so my only option is to move. I will end up moving to an area with higher cost of living for the same pay. But eventually I can hopefully advance.

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Stop telling your mother things you dont want her to tell your sister. That problem is easily solved.

 

List your condo for sale, sell excess stuff, find a place to move to and DO IT. You have too many excuses for why you are not happy. Time to put yourself first for a change. You can call you mother when you want to, from your new home, just watch what you tell her. You can also rent a place until you find one to buy.

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You have the right to confide in your mom. However, expecting privacy and receiving privacy are two different things. :eek:

 

I have a mom and two younger siblings. I've since learned NOT to confide in my mom because eventually everything goes straight back to my narcissistic sister and brother. I have to be careful. Even though I expect confidentiality and have been reassured confidentiality, if you want to make sure your life is not an 'open book,' the best policy and only guarantee is to keep your mouth shut. I've since learned this harsh lesson the hard way. :upset:

 

You can't duct tape a person's mouth. Many people are blabbermouths. You can't control what people say nor write especially if you're not there. Your confidential, private information gets blurted out. Play it smart by remaining silent.

 

Know that you can't trust your mom, unfortunately.

 

If you don't like your sister, pretend that she is dead. It's a mindset. Become indifferent and apathetic. Once you become unemotional and "blah," you'll focus on your own life and what makes you happy. This is what I do and there are mentally healthy outlets and distractions.

 

Surround yourself with virtuous and moral people.

 

I commend you for never deceiving nor betraying a person's confidence. Unfortunately, not everyone has integrity.

 

If you can afford to move and uproot, then do it. Until then become an astute and shrewd person. Navigate yourself wisely in order to protect yourself. It's called survival. Practice makes perfect. :smug: Live and learn.

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And another thing that I could use advice about while I’m at it here...

 

I do a lot of nice things for my mom that she knows should only be between us because my sister will blab about it to my dad and stepmom. The thing about that is, they get their feelings hurt too that I do these things for my mom and not much for them. One thing that my mom and enjoy doing together are religious things. My mom is a strong Catholic and she LOVES going to “healing services” by healing priests when available. There are times when I’ve driven hundreds of miles to see one, and I actually did receive a physical healing that was somewhat miraculous. But I wanted it to remain private, not too many people in this town believe in these types of things, and my own family thinks it’s all very scary and weird to go to these events, including my sister. So why would my mom tell her about our trips and my healing knowing she’s against it and will spread rumors and gossip about us going in a bad manner? It’s private! My mom wants to see a very well-known healing priest who will be within 200 miles from us soon, and since she doesn’t drive long distance (or fly) she wants us to go together. I want to go, I want mom to go, but I’m not taking her because she’ll blag about it to my sister, who knocks it and thinks it’s “crazy”. I mean, damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

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And another thing that I could use advice about while I’m at it here...

 

I do a lot of nice things for my mom that she knows should only be between us because my sister will blab about it to my dad and stepmom. The thing about that is, they get their feelings hurt too that I do these things for my mom and not much for them. One thing that my mom and enjoy doing together are religious things. My mom is a strong Catholic and she LOVES going to “healing services” by healing priests when available. There are times when I’ve driven hundreds of miles to see one, and I actually did receive a physical healing that was somewhat miraculous. But I wanted it to remain private, not too many people in this town believe in these types of things, and my own family thinks it’s all very scary and weird to go to these events, including my sister. So why would my mom tell her about our trips and my healing knowing she’s against it and will spread rumors and gossip about us going in a bad manner? It’s private! My mom wants to see a very well-known healing priest who will be within 200 miles from us soon, and since she doesn’t drive long distance (or fly) she wants us to go together. I want to go, I want mom to go, but I’m not taking her because she’ll blag about it to my sister, who knocks it and thinks it’s “crazy”. I mean, damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

 

If it works for you, then go. If you believe, then go. If you want to, then go. Who cares what other people think or believe. They aren't you and you shouldn't allow other's opinions to dictate your life or your relationship with your mother or what you do with her.

 

This isn't about your sister at all. This is about you caring way too much what other people think and lacking self assurance. What you do, what you believe isn't some secret you need to keep hidden. Learn to hold your head high and live your life as you believe, as it works for you and to heck with other people's opinions. Remember, opinions are like arseholes....everyone has one and it really doesn't mean much and it certainly shouldn't dictate your life let alone drive you into hiding. You have nothing to hide and anyone who makes negative comments is entitled to their own belief, but has little value to you and your life. You do you and let others do as they see fit. The more you adopt that attitude, the better your life will be.

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Only confide in your mom at your own risk. (For me, if I don't wish for any verbal or written information to leak, I remain silent because that's my 100% guarantee.)

 

You can't control what your mom decides to say or not say to other family members. I have both a mom and mother-in-law (MIL) who have loose lips, too. There's nothing I can do about it except control what I can which is not confide in them. With any other information about me, my husband or kids, I don't have control regarding what they say to others including within the family tree.

 

I know it's private including what you do with your mom and where you go or travel with her. However, don't obsess over what other people think about you or what you do. Don't care. The more you learn to let go, the more content and secure you will feel. Don't fret. Let it go.

 

Rise above it and have class. Be brave and keep your head held high. You will be alright. Don't worry otherwise your unnecessary stress will consume you in a mentally unhealthy way.

 

In your mind, live your own life day to day.

 

Don't feel so frustrated. Be your own person and become comfortable within your own skin. And, when you're with relatives, you have nothing to be embarrassed nor ashamed of. Carry yourself with aplomb and grace and everything will be fine.

 

Become unemotional (in this case) because it will save your sanity.

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If we tell a person something in trust and let them know we don't want it being told to others, then of course we would expect that they do not tell others. We are trusting them with personal information. It is not their place to tell others our business. If you wanted someone to know, you would tell them yourself. In an ideal world, this would not be a difficult concept. Unfortunately, we live in this world. I've learned the hard way that if you don't want something out the only safe thing is to keep it in your head. Don't tell someone else. Don't say it aloud if there is anyone within possible earshot. Don't write it down. Even the people you think you can trust will at some point let you down.

 

jennylove, you need to create space between you and your mom. As close as you might be with her, and as tough as it might be do to, she's shown that you can't trust her like you thought you could. So keep the relationship to things you are comfortable with others knowing. Otherwise, you'll just be setting yourself up for being hurt again.

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