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Why do I get emotionally attached too soon and how do I stop?


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Hard to answer that on an internet forum, at least without knowing a bit more about this pattern. Maybe you can give some examples of what you're talking about, a pattern you're trying to break.

 

Speaking in general terms? I think there's some kind of correlation between how quickly we get attached to others and how secure we are in our attachment, so to speak, with ourselves. Think of it like this: If I really don't like where I live—if I'm not secure in that attachment—a 3 day vacation somewhere new might convince me that that's where I'm supposed to move, that the happiness I don't feel where I live will be solved through relocation. I've become emotionally attached too soon. But if I'm pretty happy where I'm living? Well, the vacation is just that: a glimpse into a new place, rather than an answer or pillar to lean on. My emotional attachment isn't so feral.

 

That resonate at all?

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All you can do is not pursue women who are not interested or who have BFs. Unfortunately that will result in the friend zone.

 

It may be better to get on some dating apps and pursue women you have more in common with outside of uni.

This girl [21] and I [28] have been texting almost daily for awhile and we really hit it off. We met in a class at uni, where I'm a back to school adult student. All of a sudden, her replies started getting less enthusiastic. I was confused at first because the only other time she reacted this way was when she was pissed off. However, I hadn't done anything wrong this time around (I hadn't done anything wrong the first time around either tbf-- I was just out to lunch to catch up with an old female friend), so naturally I began to get paranoid. Turns out she had developed a crush on this new classmate she met in one of her Zoom classes literally a week ago. Although she still replies me I can feel her starting to lose interest and it sucks.

 

Am I supposed to remain civil, distance myself or cut her off?

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Learn more about progressions of relationships.

Introduction

Friendly conversation

Date

Flirting

Kissing, light physical

Sexual (this is where most people learn is the point of emotionally attached.)

 

You need to learn to be "friends" first and remember that getting emotionally attached too quickly is a turn off for both sexes.

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Hard to answer that on an internet forum, at least without knowing a bit more about this pattern. Maybe you can give some examples of what you're talking about, a pattern you're trying to break.

 

Speaking in general terms? I think there's some kind of correlation between how quickly we get attached to others and how secure we are in our attachment, so to speak, with ourselves. Think of it like this: If I really don't like where I live—if I'm not secure in that attachment—a 3 day vacation somewhere new might convince me that that's where I'm supposed to move, that the happiness I don't feel where I live will be solved through relocation. I've become emotionally attached too soon. But if I'm pretty happy where I'm living? Well, the vacation is just that: a glimpse into a new place, rather than an answer or pillar to lean on. My emotional attachment isn't so feral.

 

That resonate at all?

 

Actually does, loads. If I were to be really honest with myself, I'm pretty insecure being on my own and I latch on to external validation whenever it's presented to me. I don't know how to develop the self-love that I need, considering I grew up in an emotionally distant familial environment. I guess there's a part of me that craves affection and intimacy from the lack of it in my childhood.

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All you can do is not pursue women who are not interested or who have BFs. Unfortunately that will result in the friend zone.

 

It may be better to get on some dating apps and pursue women you have more in common with outside of uni.

 

We put an end to that situation some time ago, actually. This is more of some inward reflection on my behaviours that make me unhappy.

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Actually does, loads. If I were to be really honest with myself, I'm pretty insecure being on my own and I latch on to external validation whenever it's presented to me. I don't know how to develop the self-love that I need, considering I grew up in an emotionally distant familial environment. I guess there's a part of me that craves affection and intimacy from the lack of it in my childhood.

 

Well, boom. You just answered your own question. As for how to rewire things a bit? Maybe instead of thinking in terms of "self-love," instead think about things you love to do. What are they? Maybe get more "attached" to them, so you can get an emotional reward and sense of security there, removing the pressure for other people to fill that void.

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It seems natural to me if you have a lot in common with someone. It depends on your age and experience. Those two will usually give a person more information earlier on, ie. 'reading between the lines' or being able to decipher information that is unspoken long before it comes to the surface.

 

Be gentle with yourself and take things in stride.

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I've spent too much time alone and single, I think that's the problem. When someone shows interest in me it's like a whole new world of emotion has opened up.

 

What do you do with your time when you're single? I learned to challenge myself to make new friendships, take on new hobbies and have other interests. I got so good at it that when the opportunity to date and possibly to have a relationship happened, my life was so full I wasn't sure if I could make room for one.

It also made me more discerning about my choices. I didn't decide to be in a relationship to fill a void or to feel complete. I also know that I wouldn't stay in a bad one out of fear of being lonely. I know my life outside of a relationship is just as good as inside of one.

It's also tied to your attachment style and the type of relationship you had with your parents growing up.

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I don't. I'm an introvert and struggle with social anxiety, so its been rough.

 

I think that id you had some sort of social life it would improve your self esteem. Have you considered volunteering or Meetups? You need to make more of a effort.

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What do you do with your time when you're single? I learned to challenge myself to make new friendships, take on new hobbies and have other interests. I got so good at it that when the opportunity to date and possibly to have a relationship happened, my life was so full I wasn't sure if I could make room for one.

It also made me more discerning about my choices. I didn't decide to be in a relationship to fill a void or to feel complete. I also know that I wouldn't stay in a bad one out of fear of being lonely. I know my life outside of a relationship is just as good as inside of one.

It's also tied to your attachment style and the type of relationship you had with your parents growing up.

 

Right now my time is mostly spent on coursework, which of course gives me no joy whatsoever. In my free time I just watch movies and spend time on YouTube, so yeah I should probably look into a more productive hobby. Just have to figure out what I like doing cause I've been stagnant for so long due to depression. 100% agree on your last point-- my attachment style is likely anxious due to my parents being emotionally negligent.

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I think that id you had some sort of social life it would improve your self esteem. Have you considered volunteering or Meetups? You need to make more of a effort.

 

I was looking into joining the volunteering club on campus, but their activities have been altered a bit cause of Covid. Will join regardless.

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Sorry to hear that. Depression is a medical problem that needs appropriate reassessments and follow up care. That means you need to see a physician and therapist.

 

Stop blaming your parents, or homegrown attachment theories, etc.

 

The social withdrawal, ruminating, inertia and low moods should be evaluated.

 

Crushes and living on the outside looking in indicates that you would like to feel better but haven't sought out or found appropriate help.

 

That's the first step. After a couple of months of appropriate treatment it won't feel like you are plodding through quicksand.

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Introvert who gets anxious in social situations as well. So I feel you. I've also found myself talking with a lot of fellow introverts who feel similar to you. The thread I've found is that they spend more time seeking external validation and berating themselves for being how they are. Instead of looking for affection outside, I think you need to focus on just being happy with you. It's easy to sit back with Youtube, but it doesn't make you feel better. Think about what it is you love to do, and do it. Volunteering is a great start. Check with an organization that interests you and see if there is something online you can do. They still need the help, there just having to figure out new ways of doing things themselves. Once you are feeling productive and happy with yourself, you won't be so focused on what others think. You won't need the emotional attachment so badly because you'll be getting that fulfillment internally. And when you do that, it tends to light a spark in you that others can notice. It can actually draw people to you.

 

You've got everything you need within you. At the end of the day, you are the one who has to love yourself and be okay with you. Affection from others is nice and can help, but we are the ones that make our own happiness.

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Introvert who gets anxious in social situations as well. So I feel you. I've also found myself talking with a lot of fellow introverts who feel similar to you. The thread I've found is that they spend more time seeking external validation and berating themselves for being how they are. Instead of looking for affection outside, I think you need to focus on just being happy with you. It's easy to sit back with Youtube, but it doesn't make you feel better. Think about what it is you love to do, and do it. Volunteering is a great start. Check with an organization that interests you and see if there is something online you can do. They still need the help, there just having to figure out new ways of doing things themselves. Once you are feeling productive and happy with yourself, you won't be so focused on what others think. You won't need the emotional attachment so badly because you'll be getting that fulfillment internally. And when you do that, it tends to light a spark in you that others can notice. It can actually draw people to you.

 

You've got everything you need within you. At the end of the day, you are the one who has to love yourself and be okay with you. Affection from others is nice and can help, but we are the ones that make our own happiness.

 

Thank you for this. I feel so stuck, but this made me feel heaps better knowing there's a way out of it although it might be hard to even take the first step.

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I can tell you without going into my story (which I have talked ad nauseaum elsewhere on this site) Getting to emotionally attached has happened to me. Also betting emotionall attached does not mean you were or were not seeking a sexual relationship. For me I had to hit rock bottom and go into therapy. Things are better in so many ways but there are still major issues.. I wish you all the best

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