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I’ll try to make this brief. We met online a year and a half ago. He got out of a 10 year marriage where she cheated on him, followed by a relationship that started before the divorce was final (he was separated for 2 years and then started a LDR with a colleague.) He moved here 2years ago and he and the new gf were broken up for 5 months when I met him. Lots of chemistry but he was very flighty/flaky and scared but at the same time intensely connected with me. We were intimate 1 time but he broke it off with me briefly afterwards saying he needed to be alone and being intimate hurt too much, not ready for a relationship. But over time he kept reaching out. We reunited in February (after 8 months.) He is still not great with communication but things have been fairly steady with intimacy and working things out. He apologized for being distant lately and on Sunday night he came to stay over. After sex he held my hand while sitting up in bed and told me he had recently reached out to his ex gf to apologize for hurting her by ending their relationship. He said he hoped to get closure and part as friends but that it felt “weird” when they said goodbye. He said she looked great and it gave him butterflies to see her. He said his therapist said he should be totally honest with me and tell me everything. He asked the therapist if his reaction to his ex meant that their relationship shouldn’t have ended or if it was just guilt. (I didn’t ask what the therapist said but I should have.) He said he didn’t feel like he got everything “off his chest” that he wanted to say and wants to talk with her again. She asked for his address to send him a shared journal that they used to write in and send back & forth when they were together, but he told her he didn’t want to.

After telling me this I told him it hurt to hear and he said he knew but that it was important to be transparent. He then asked me what I want from our relationship. We have been monogamous and not dating others but still not officially a couple to friends, family etc. I told him I wanted that and that I don’t share. I also told him that any act of intimacy (kissing, hand holding or intimate/loving words) between him and his ex would mean the end of our relationship, and he said he understood. He told me that he wants to figure out what went wrong in his past relationships, and shared some things that the ex wife and ex gf did that made him not want to continue in those relationships. He said that if we move on to the next step, I will see things about him I don’t like (bad habits, etc.) He’s never smoked in front of me but is an occasional smoker and wanted me to know. He said “I’m selfish and stubborn and I fart.” We laughed after he said that. I said I wasn’t going anywhere, He continued to hold my hand and asked if we moved forward if I would want “a list of do’s & don’ts” or if we could communicate about things organically as they came up, aside from obvious dealbreakers like infidelity. I said the latter. I was still fairly emotional and my eyes had welled up. He said “You’re not losing me, I want you to know that. I’m not going anywhere either.”

He’s always been sporadic with communication but this was a week ago with no word from him (not an unusual time frame tbh) but I still don’t understand what is happening... does he want to get back together with his ex or move forward with me?

Please help! Sorry for the long post :/

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This is one of these moments when I think it’s important to go back to before you knew he existed. What were you looking for from romance then? And is this anywhere close to that? Answer those questions—because trying to figure out another person is always a fool’s errand—and you’ll have the information you need.

 

Most generous read on all this? Dude is mixed up a zillion ways to Sunday, has no idea what he wants, is at least a year away from getting a grip on his emotions, and is making that clear as day. Do you want to validate all that confusion with time and attention? Doesn’t sound very rewarding from these seats.

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What a creep! How nice he shared this with you after he slept with you.

 

Where is your self worth: "I said I wasn’t going anywhere,?"

 

Why did you continue to interact with a guy who was “flakey and had "communication" issues? Expect more for yourself. The signs were there!

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I am sorry to say this, but he is only wanting you as a bed partner but he is holding out hopes for his ex girlfriend, that's where his heart truly lies.

 

I think that's why he told you what he did, he doesn't want to misled you. He wants his ex back and you are someone he is using for the time being.

 

You shouldn't let someone treat you like that. You should have enough self respect that now he's told you the truth, you should leave.

 

Why would you want to be someone's second choice?

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Your self worth is totally lacking. You're like a barnacle clinging to him while being pummeled with crashing waves. Barraged with how he's still thinking of an ex, pouring emotional energy into her and not you. Trying to convince you how disgusting he is, instead of winning you over for his very own--his one and only. He's just not into you. Don't you want to hear his voice every day? Sounds like you do, because you're into him for some strange reason. Doesn't it clue you in that he doesn't feel the same, since he can go an entire week without wanting to speak to you?

 

Stay alone and work on your self-worth by reading articles and books on how to achieve that. If you don't, you will keep on accepting garbage partners to give the precious gift of your body and time to. When you don't value yourself, how can anybody else?

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Sorry to hear this. You need to throw him out of your life. You are not his therapist, attorney or fill in sex-worker. Delete and block this man from ALL your social media and ALL your messaging apps.

After sex he held my hand while sitting up in bed and told me he had recently reached out to his ex gf to apologize for hurting her by ending their relationship. He said he hoped to get closure and part as friends but that it felt “weird” when they said goodbye.

 

He said she looked great and it gave him butterflies to see her. He said his therapist said he should be totally honest with me and tell me everything.

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After sex he held my hand while sitting up in bed and told me he had recently reached out to his ex gf to apologize for hurting her by ending their relationship.

 

After sex with you, he proceeds to tell you about an ex girlfriend and a relationship that he obviously still has an attachment to. He talks about his sense of closure. His therapist. His butterflies. His priorities. And oh, by the way... what would you like, dear? Oh, that's nice. Anyway, more about Me and My journey.... I know it hurts you to hear this dear, but My therapist told Me to be transparent. Remember, this is all about Me, and not you..... Unless I'm starting to look selfish...... If there's any danger of me looking selfish, I'll pay some attention to you so that I can look good again.

 

I was still fairly emotional and my eyes had welled up. He said “You’re not losing me, I want you to know that. I’m not going anywhere either.”

He’s always been sporadic with communication but this was a week ago with no word from him (not an unusual time frame tbh) but I still don’t understand what is happening... does he want to get back together with his ex or move forward with me?

Please help! Sorry for the long post :/

 

It sounds like he is mostly concerned about himself. You are pretty much an afterthought. As long as you fall into line and follow his lead in all things, this relationship will probably limp along just fine. But is that what you want? Sounds like a little slice of hell to me.

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After sex with you, he proceeds to tell you about an ex girlfriend and a relationship that he obviously still has an attachment to. He talks about his sense of closure. His therapist. His butterflies. His priorities. And oh, by the way... what would you like, dear? Oh, that's nice. Anyway, more about Me and My journey.... I know it hurts you to hear this dear, but My therapist told Me to be transparent. Remember, this is all about Me, and not you..... Unless I'm starting to look selfish...... If there's any danger of me looking selfish, I'll pay some attention to you so that I can look good again.

 

 

 

It sounds like he is mostly concerned about himself. You are pretty much an afterthought. As long as you fall into line and follow his lead in all things, this relationship will probably limp along just fine. But is that what you want? Sounds like a little slice of hell to me.

 

He wasn't being honest -he was oversharing knowing it would hurt you after he got the sex he wanted. Honesty would have been cancelling the date given what he was feeling. If his therapist told him to be "honest" -meaning spill all the information and all the verbal diahrrhea on you after sex - then that's a bad therapist.

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Barraged with how he's still thinking of an ex, pouring emotional energy into her and not you. Trying to convince you how disgusting he is, instead of winning you over for his very own

 

This. All this "transparency" is because he wants to see if he can continue to do what he is doing while you are waiting around for him to figure things out. He might be attracted to you, and genuinely like you as a person... that doesn't mean he wants to be in a relationship with you. It's pretty clear from your description that he is still hung up on his ex and at the end of the day I think we can all agree that you deserve someone that is not only fully present but also really wants to be with you.

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Why are you not dating singles? the moment you realize your worth you will stop giving your time to such super jerks.

Last time i heard the biggest asteroid just went past earth missing all handsome men eligible bachelors and they are stuck waiting for people like you.

Leave and get out of this situation you deserve better

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He wasn't being honest -he was oversharing knowing it would hurt you after he got the sex he wanted. Honesty would have been cancelling the date given what he was feeling. If his therapist told him to be "honest" -meaning spill all the information and all the verbal diahrrhea on you after sex - then that's a bad therapist.

 

Not sure why you quoted me, Batya, but I totally agree. I would even add that he was being 'honest' not because his therapist told him to, but because he is trying to see how much OpenHeart is willing to put up with from him. And I put the word "honest" in quotes for irony. I don't think he's actually being honest. I really believe he is just testing the waters.

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I agree with everyone else. Please don't ask yourself 'does he want to be with me'? The question should be 'do I want to be with this person'? Look within - what boxes is he checking off? There are so many emotions like tremendous pain, guilt, feelings of failure or sadness that can overwhelm a person after a break up, what more a two break ups and one of them a marriage. Slow down and keep your distance from this person. Once you do that give it a few more weeks still for the dust to settle. If you haven't been with friends or family for awhile, now's the time to reach out to those lifelines. I think you are in a deep, dark and low place. Life yourself up and come out of that. You can do it.

 

You're immersed in everything he's saying, your emotions, his emotions, the way he thinks, the way you think. It's a warp in time and space. You won't understand this until you start distancing yourself from the situation a bit more and looking at it from the outside. You don't have to hate him or hurt him or lash out. I hope you feel better soon. Don't engage anymore. Don't meet him. Be with yourself for a bit.

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Not sure why you quoted me, Batya, but I totally agree. I would even add that he was being 'honest' not because his therapist told him to, but because he is trying to see how much OpenHeart is willing to put up with from him. And I put the word "honest" in quotes for irony. I don't think he's actually being honest. I really believe he is just testing the waters.

 

I quoted you to add to what you said -I agreed and then meant to add but maybe I went off on a tangent!

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Openhearts,

 

He doesn't sound like he is using you or making you second choice. In an intimate moment he opened up and shared his most intimate thoughts and fears with you. I think he does care about you but has a lot of emotional baggage from his previous relationships. His wife of 10 years cheated on. That's a pain that lingers. He broke off another relationship because he wasn't ready for it too get too serious. Now he feels guilty about ending that. He sounds like he is wanting to have a relationship that lasts, but doesn't know how and may not be emotionally ready himself. In order to move on, people need a sense of closure. Seeing the ex brought back old feelings and doubts that he is trying to work through.

 

Ask yourself what you want from this relationship. How much are you willing to help him through? At what point will it be too much for you take? It's not easy being the solid one when the other person is emotionally damaged. It's a thin line from being supportive to feeling used. Make it clear to him what you will take and if you don't like how things are making you feel, say so. Since the communication seems to be a problem, tell him. He shouldn't be disappearing on you. Let him know that the only way to have a real relationship, is to communicate.

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"In an intimate moment he opened up and shared his most intimate thoughts and fears with you."

 

I don't agree. I think after he got the sex he wanted he chose to burden her and overshare about how he feels about his ex, and try to dissuade her from being with him. He was opening up with an ulterior and uncaring and thoughtless motive - a selfish motive - to make sure she knows where his heart really is and to tell himself that he can continue to have intercourse with her when he is horny because he already told her he doesn't see potential with her in so many words. A person who wants another person is honest and open while also wanting to show tact and thoughtfulness and care -and make a good impression so the person will want to be with them. Honesty is not the same as openness. Honesty is what you choose to share is honest. Openness is simply choosing to share more information - and with that comes the responsibility to consider the other person's feelings. What if his fear was after sex that if he stayed with her she'd get fat - should he tell her that right after sex because it's "honest?"

 

He fears being accused of being a jerk. By telling her where he stands with her -and his ex -he can try to tell himself that if she consents to a sexual arrangement she's an adult and has eyes wide open.

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"I think after he got the sex he wanted he chose to burden her and overshare about how he feels about his ex, and try to dissuade her from being with him."

 

That's a long way to go to get someone to break up with you. And if that was the case, why would he then say "You’re not losing me, I want you to know that. I’m not going anywhere either." It's possible he is using and taking advantage of her. But without knowing him personally, I don't think we can judge his character that way. From what we've been given I see a person who is very confused and mixed up emotionally. He's had two relationships that ended poorly and he is trying to work through things in his own mind and heart. If all he wanted was sex, why bring it up at all? He could have continued sleeping with her, and seen the ex on the side.

 

The few intimate experiences I've had with a woman have been highly emotionally charged and the experience (even if it's not intercourse) left both of us feeling connected and vulnerable. I was able to share my feelings, fears, and doubts more than before because of how close I felt to the person. I wasn't trying to get anything from her. I wasn't even trying to be intimate with her in the first place, I initially thought of things as just a friendship. I know to some sex is something to "get." But I see it as an act that can unite people and assist them in opening up to each other.

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"I think after he got the sex he wanted he chose to burden her and overshare about how he feels about his ex, and try to dissuade her from being with him."

 

That's a long way to go to get someone to break up with you. And if that was the case, why would he then say "You’re not losing me, I want you to know that. I’m not going anywhere either." It's possible he is using and taking advantage of her. But without knowing him personally, I don't think we can judge his character that way. From what we've been given I see a person who is very confused and mixed up emotionally. He's had two relationships that ended poorly and he is trying to work through things in his own mind and heart. If all he wanted was sex, why bring it up at all? He could have continued sleeping with her, and seen the ex on the side.

 

The few intimate experiences I've had with a woman have been highly emotionally charged and the experience (even if it's not intercourse) left both of us feeling connected and vulnerable. I was able to share my feelings, fears, and doubts more than before because of how close I felt to the person. I wasn't trying to get anything from her. I wasn't even trying to be intimate with her in the first place, I initially thought of things as just a friendship. I know to some sex is something to "get." But I see it as an act that can unite people and assist them in opening up to each other.

 

He is not highly emotional about anyone but his ex -so he wanted her to know that. He wanted sex so he didn't tell her till after. He's a coward who wants his cake and eat it too so this way he gets to have sex -he doesn't want to break up -he wants a sexual arrangement. If he was attached through sex he wouldn't have had sex with her because he'd already be attached to his ex. If he felt close to her emotionally he'd never want to talk about such things after sex and risk hurting her feelings.

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"I think after he got the sex he wanted he chose to burden her and overshare about how he feels about his ex, and try to dissuade her from being with him."

 

That's a long way to go to get someone to break up with you. And if that was the case, why would he then say "You’re not losing me, I want you to know that. I’m not going anywhere either." It's possible he is using and taking advantage of her. But without knowing him personally, I don't think we can judge his character that way. From what we've been given I see a person who is very confused and mixed up emotionally. He's had two relationships that ended poorly and he is trying to work through things in his own mind and heart. If all he wanted was sex, why bring it up at all? He could have continued sleeping with her, and seen the ex on the side.

 

The few intimate experiences I've had with a woman have been highly emotionally charged and the experience (even if it's not intercourse) left both of us feeling connected and vulnerable. I was able to share my feelings, fears, and doubts more than before because of how close I felt to the person. I wasn't trying to get anything from her. I wasn't even trying to be intimate with her in the first place, I initially thought of things as just a friendship. I know to some sex is something to "get." But I see it as an act that can unite people and assist them in opening up to each other.

 

He is not highly emotional about anyone but his ex -so he wanted her to know that. He wanted sex so he didn't tell her till after. He's a coward who wants his cake and eat it too so this way he gets to have sex -he doesn't want to break up -he wants a sexual arrangement. If he was attached through sex he wouldn't have had sex with her because he'd already be attached to his ex. If he felt close to her emotionally he'd never want to talk about such things after sex and risk hurting her feelings.

 

I also get emotionally attached through sex which is why I've never had casual sex. I also like to share after sex and be open - but no matter how much I want to share and be open I always factor in the other person's feelings so I may choose not to share something that would even unintentionally hurt the other person or I choose my words - this guy dumped out all this information because he didn't care about having a filter or boundaries- he cared about ejaculating and then making sure she knew she wasn't gonna be relationship material. And if he could convince her he wasn't relationship material because he farts (so talking about farting is appropriate too because it's "open?") - then all the better for him -he knows she might agree to have intercourse again and then he'll know she's agreeing knowing that she's not gonna be the lady he brings home to his family.

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