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Was he controlling me?


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My bf broke up with me after 4 years because he said I was being difficult and challenging but I have no idea what he means. He said he asked me if I was going to have a shower one morning and I said no I will have one when I get home as all my shampoo and gel is there and he used that as the example of when I challenged him. I thought that was really unfair as I didn't even realise that my comment to have the shower at home even bothered him. But now he has said this I have been thinking and I recall times when i have wanted to talk about something like why dont he kiss me much or things to do with us he would tell me to ssshhh and say why are you being like this so that would shut me up and I wouldn't carry on with the convo. We always did what he wanted, he would not let me watch any shows on TV I liked when I was at his I had to watch what he liked but I didnt care as was happy to just be with him and if i was watching anything he would turn it over. He also mentioned my hair was greasy when he popped over to my garden during lockdown as a reason he ended it. My mum told me that he thought he was controlling me but I couldn't see it but now I'm wondering if his behaviour was a form of controlling? We went on holiday with my kids last year and he would expect them to like what he liked and got annoyed that my son was taking his time in the morning and accused him of doing it on purpose to ruin the day. He didnt like our towels hanging up in the bathroom and told me to move them coz he could smell them. What does anybody think of this?

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Thus guy was a jerk. It was a mistake to subject your kids to him. I'm sure they didn't enjoy being treated that way.

 

In the future please don't expose your kids to a man who treats you this horribly. You can choose to involve yourself with a jerk but your kids didn't make that choice.

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Sorry to hear that. Listen to your mother, be glad you are rid of him and his negativity. He sounds like an abusive jerk. Now... do not go back. Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

My bf broke up with me after 4 years

 

i have wanted to talk about something like why dont he kiss me much or things to do with us he would tell me to ssshhh and say why are you being like this so that would shut me up and I wouldn't carry on with the convo.

 

My mum told me that he thought he was controlling me but I couldn't see it

 

We went on holiday with my kids last year and he would expect them to like what he liked.

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Okay, so it sounds very one sided. I mean, if this were all true, why would you stay with someone like that and further more, why be heartbroken when he left?

 

What did you do that upset him? Did you maybe not keep yourself as clean? I'm not saying he wasn't a jerk or that he didn't do things wrong, I just feel like I am only hearing one side of the story. You're making it sound as though he was brutal to you and you did nothing but you still want him?

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Ask yourself, do you feel relieved that you dont have to face all that drama again?

if you fell for him for all the good in him then be assured that was all just some mask.

Can you live with this true nature of his forever? Think how it could affect your kids and your mental well being.

Time to move on here for a better, respecful and loving future for you and your kids.

Never look back.

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He sounds very self centered and that's bizarre that he'd be upset at your shower choice. He's not happy unless you are catering to his wants and needs. You got used to keeping quiet about your needs. That's not healthy. I know because I kept hanging on to my ex for over a year now and we're broken up again. lots of similar stuff. I also got rude comments about my hair. >:/

 

You're boyfriend should be positive and encouraging. You should get turns to watch and enjoy things you like also. If it wasn't one sided he wouldn't mind watching them with you for the same reason you didn't mind watching his shows.

 

Please, don't go back to him. I did that way too much. It continues to hurt worse and worse each time you find yourself in the same old patterns. You deserve so much better! I promise!

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Given that you're speaking in the past tense, you own the liberty to apply whichever answer will work best to help you move forward with something of value from the experience.

 

I try to be careful about how I frame things for myself. If my impulse it to assign someone else a villain role so that I can adopt the role of victim, I'd better be crystal clear about what that will buy me beyond a righteous feeling of being harmed even while I've minimized my own responsibility for self care and using my own best judgment going forward.

 

Victimization robs us of an earned sense of control over our own choices as we navigate the world. It replaces that with a feeling of powerlessness and a false idea that we are always at the mercy of other people's judgment or treatment.

 

I'd rather view myself as having learned constructive things from a relationship, regardless of how it ended. I can still recognize lousy things about a person that make them a bad match for me without casting myself in a role of having been helpless to put up with their behaviors.

 

So instead of viewing a guy as controlling ME, I'd rather assign him a need to control his environment in ways that made him unsuitable for me. That puts his problem squarely on him, even while it makes room for me to question whether I'll want to adopt more of a backbone with the next guy.

 

Head high, we all live and learn.

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