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Sooo... where to I even begin?! I reconnected with a past love from 10 years ago back in the fall of last year. We were both going through respective divorces, and it started out as a fling. He said he just wanted to be single, but then I developed stronger feelings, and it unfortunately ended in a blaze of glory. I don’t want to get into too many details about the demise, but essentially we had been fighting about his lack of wanting to commit, my insecurities involving him seeing other women (he swore up and down he wasn’t), and he shouted at me over the phone and scared me, and in turn I blocked him for 7 months to move on. During this time my husband and I tried to reconcile, but unfortunately we were unable to. I had updated my status on social media to “married” again.

 

Fast forward to now, 7 months later, I have been experiencing an intense longing for him. I thought I had moved on but it hit me suddenly. I was missing him hard. Please don’t judge me, but I made a fake Facebook profile and sent him a friend request. We had never been friends on social media, so I never knew what he would post. He accepted my friend request, and actually tried to secure a date with my fake persona. I didn’t let it get too far, I was not interested in cat fishing him and it was actually really sad, but I wanted to see what his profile contained.

 

On the date we reconnected last fall, he posted about finding love again.

 

On the date after I blocked him after our blowout, he posted lyrics to a song about a guy missing his girl. I listened to the song and cried for 10 straight minutes.

 

A few days after I blocked him, he changed his profile picture to something only he and I would understand.

 

On the date I changed my relationship status to “married” on my profile, he posted “that feeling when you’ll never see that person again” with a crying emoji.

 

After seeing all this on his profile, I decided I had to reach out. I reached out to him 6 days ago, and his response was overwhelmingly positive. He suggested meeting up, and I politely told him i was open to it but I didn’t want to play anymore games. I said I did not want to get involved if there were other women he was seeing. He got a little irritated and said he’s been with a few women, but they were all gone. He said even if he was seeing other women, it doesn’t matter because he doesn’t answer to anyone and his divorce was just finalized and he was finally rid of his ex. He went on to compare my actions to that of his ex wife (whom he truly loved, as much as he said he hated her guts, he was deeply heartbroken).

 

I didn’t hear from him the rest of the week, so last night I text him and just let it all out. I told him I missed him deeply, I thought about him nonstop, and that I had wanted to tell him in person.

 

He seemed irritated by this, and responded by saying “Please don’t start, you can’t trust me it will never work.” So I called him and again he seemed irritated, but did not blow up on me like he did 7 months ago. I told him I didn’t trust him because of our past. (He strung me along and cheated on me over 10 years ago during his player phase). I said we probably should have cleared all that up when we reconnected, and it was my fault, but essentially that I why I didn’t trust him.

 

We then talked for about an hour catching up on stuff, it was actually a really good conversation. He told me he was going to therapy for his anger issues. During this conversation, he mentioned he was seeing somebody. I was like what? You just told me on Monday you weren’t??? And he was like I never said that, and I was like dude you said it in a text, I have the text. Anyway, he said it may not work out with this new girl and who knows what will happen? I said “So I’m never going to see you again, huh?” And he said “Who knows, we’ll see” I asked about this new girl and he told me she’s a nurse practitioner from Bulgaria...

 

The thing is: I figured out who the girl he’s trying to seduce is because I was able to deduce this from his profile. This girl is not a nurse practitioner, she’s not from Bulgaria, and I don’t even think they have met yet! Obviously I didn’t tell him I knew this, but wth??? I believe he hit her up in the days after I contracted him. I have since deleted my fake profile fwiw. I mean it’s possible there’s an entirely different girl but I’m 95% certain it’s this one girl I found through his profile.

 

If he’s indeed lying: Why would he lie? Why would he say a few days prior he wanted to see me and there was no one in the picture, to now saying he’s dating someone in a matter of days, and why would he lie about who she is?

Edited by Moonstoned
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He showed you who he was seven months ago. Why would you think that anything would be different? Certainly there are other men in your town.

 

You should have focused on the recovering from the end of your marriage, not jumping to a new guy, I suggest that you do that now.

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Sorry to hear this. So many red flags. Don't date him he's too angry. Realize that your sadness is about your divorce.

we had been fighting about his lack of wanting to commit

 

he shouted at me over the phone and scared me

 

he doesn’t answer to anyone and his divorce was just finalized and he was finally rid of his ex. He went on to compare my actions to that of his ex wife

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You have to stop trying to shove a square peg into a round hole and getting upset when it still doesn’t fit.

 

This guy has been clear that he doesn’t have any serious intentions with you. He’s irritable and not interested in trying to get you to trust him. He isn’t looking to develop something with you so he doesn’t care if you trust him or not. Why he’s lying about seeing other women (or not) isn’t really relevant. What’s relevant is that he doesn’t have the same interest in you that you do in him. You’re driving yourself nuts with fake social media accounts, creeping through his contacts trying to figure out who he’s seeing....take a deep breath. And stop.

 

It’s time to let go of him. The future you hope for is not with this man.

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I am sorry you are hurting.

It seems like from beginning he was not interested in long term thing. He even told you he wanted to be single. Than you two had arguments about him not committing and seeing other women.

Fast forward 7 months, naturally he is glad to hear from you. You were " new" yet so familiar...however, as soon as you reminded him that you are interested in being exclusive...he changed his tone.

It seems he enjoys his single life. He doesnt want any restrictions.

You see, it was you who contacted him after 7 months. Not the other way around. If it was him, we could hope, he is ready for something real with you.

This way, you reappeared in his life in the middle of him having time of his life.

Did he try to get you back during the last 7 months?

 

I say.. let this man go...dont contact him again. If he will grow up, he will know where to find you.

I think his silence after you told him what you wanted...( no other women, only you) was very telling.

 

Its disappointing. I know. But he will cause you more pain than anything else at this stage in his life.

As for the girl?

I think he may be telling the truth...she doesnt need to be on social media. And most probably you think about someone completely different.

This does make any difference?

Stay strong. Dont block him but refrain from looking at his profile etc...

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Thank you, I think I needed to hear that. I don’t know what’s come over me - all of a sudden I had a burning desire for him after 7 months. I feel like such a fool for giving him so much power. I just feel so humiliated right now. I want to completely disappear from social media but I can’t because it’s my career. But yeah I totally want to just crawl into a ball and rock back and forth lol!

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Hi. I think you really need some time for yourself and to just be single. It seems like he was an easy go to for emotional soothing, or so you hoped. But, being with him 7 months ago only hurt you more.

I could list all the red flags, but this isn’t to hurt you.

Let him do what he is going to do. Walk away from him.

I think you should be totally single for 3-6 months (or more) post divorce to recover some emotionally.

And, a bit of advice, if any man tells you that he wants to be single, believe him.

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He seemed irritated by this, and responded by saying “Please don’t start, you can’t trust me it will never work.”

 

He said it himself.

 

On some level he probably does care for you. But for whatever reason, he isn't ready to be in a committed relationship. A person is who they have been in your entire relationship and all along he's shown you that he won't commit. You need to focus on yourself and not put yourself in the person to be hurt again by someone who has done it before and openly warns you he will do it again.

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Thank you, I think I needed to hear that. I don’t know what’s come over me - all of a sudden I had a burning desire for him after 7 months. I feel like such a fool for giving him so much power. I just feel so humiliated right now. I want to completely disappear from social media but I can’t because it’s my career. But yeah I totally want to just crawl into a ball and rock back and forth lol!

 

What happened to trigger this need to meet with him or see him again? Is there a better way to handle it or avoid this? I'm thinking more along the lines of accepting that you missing him but learning how to grapple with that reality without self-destructing. Are there scenarios or certain people you can give yourself a time out from? If you know some topics, places, items, issues are still raw for you it might be helpful to give yourself a break and not keep revisiting those things until you feel a bit more confident or emotionally stable.

 

Seven months isn't long in reality especially considering most of that time has been consumed by world events and tons of other issues going on for many.

 

Leave the marital status off your social media accounts in future if it's causing more confusion and if you need to be on social media for work-related reasons. Be a bit more strict with yourself if you are there for work and keep it work-only. Close off social media and unplug when the work is done, walk away... chat with friends and see family. You can do this. It's one day at a time.

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Thank you for your message. My marriage had long been over before this but thank you.

 

Your marriage can't "long be over" if you were reconciling with your husband within the last 7 months:

 

I blocked him for 7 months to move on. During this time my husband and I tried to reconcile, but unfortunately we were unable to. I had updated my status on social media to “married” again...... Fast forward to now, 7 months later,

 

I agree that you still need time to process the end of your marriage.

 

Based on a lot of what you write here, I don't think this old flame is a worthy love interest. It doesn't matter why he lies. The fact is, he lies. And no matter what kind of sentimental stuff he posts on facebook, his actions show that he isn't slowing down his player ways to chase after you.

 

I feel like such a fool for giving him so much power. I just feel so humiliated right now. I want to completely disappear from social media but I can’t because it’s my career. But yeah I totally want to just crawl into a ball and rock back and forth lol!
There's nothing to be ashamed of. You haven't done anything wrong. I think you're just trying to move on too fast. It's causing you to make bad decisions.

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