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Should I Get Back With My Ex?


Termie

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I broke up with my girlfriend of 9 months, now it's been 3 months and I still don't know if it was the right decision. I feel like I acted too soon and didn't give a chance. We started to hang out again recently with friends and I can't help but notice how much her and I are alike. She loved me more than anything and it killed her when I broke up with her. The reason why I broke up is because there were small things that bothered me that started to build up. Looking back at it, I feel like it's things I can help her with to grow and I shouldn't have abandoned her, yet then again, she never seemed to but in the effort. For example, she wasn't a good driver and not on top of her school work, which I did try to help with but wouldn't do anything. One of the main things though is that I really need my space. I told her that throughout the relationship but not as a reason for why I broke up with her. She even told me how it seemed so out of nowhere and sudden. These small flaws are nothing compared to how she actually is, and they seem changeable too. But I'm worried that I'm a bad person if I change them? I see it as positive change in my eyes but this is why I need some of yours opinions on this website. I was thinking of maybe bringing her out to eat somewhere and we can discuss more about this, and tell her how I actually feel, especially that I will need my space if we try it out again. And if she disagrees, then we don't get back together. I don't know if I'm overreacting or not. I appreciate everybody's comment.

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Driving and schooling are issues for a parent to deal with, not a partner. It sets up the wrong dynamic between a couple, and she needs to take responsibility for those things herself. Learn to "adult", as the kids say.

 

As far as not giving you space, can you elaborate? How much time did you want to spend together, and how how much time did she want to spend with you? That's not necessarily a small flaw, but a matter of compatibility. She likes a lot of together time while you need more me-time, from the sounds of it. It therefore wouldn't be up to her to make all the changes that, but you too. Would be willing to spend more time with her? If she winds up being the one to compromise while you don't, she will likely not be that happy in the end as it's not a true reflection of her character. There's room for compromise in any relationship, of course, but we have to be careful that we're not trying to change who we really are just to fit the expectations of another person.

 

So, before you approach the idea of reconciliation, ask yourself this: are you genuinely into her as person, or more the fact that she is into you? We sometimes conflate the two, and later realize that we were more flattered by the idea that someone thinks the world of us while we don't actually reciprocate those feelings. Give that some thought. Also, consider that if she changes these things for you, you're not getting the real version of "her." You're getting who she thinks you want her to be. That tends to not work well over time.

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Driving and schooling are issues for a parent to deal with, not a partner.

 

If someone is of legal age to be driving , I don’t think the responsibility of either improving her driving skills or schooling is of anyone’s responsibility but their own.

 

So not a parents responsibility or a partners.

 

Likewise it’s not up to a parent or partner to judge.

 

OP, if you think your partners driving is not good and unsafe , then tell her that’s the reason why you are getting an Uber. If she gets offended then tell her you will be happy to be a passenger when she gets extra lessons and improves her skills.

Don’t be sorry for wanting to feel safe , but it’s also not a reason to break up with her .

 

As for her schooling, well maybe she doesn’t care about it?

If she does and whinges to you about it then tell her to go get on top of it.

But if she’s behind on her schooling and it doesn’t affect you then why break up with her?

 

Why does her schooling matter to you?

 

As for space?!

That IS something that is worth dumping someone for.

Can you elaborate on that though??

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It's not your job to fix, change and rearrange someone into what you want.

 

Dating is to get to know someone and you did that for 9 mos and got annoyed and bored.

 

It's not your call whether to get back together. She would be a fool to consider it given your need for space and your irritability, lack of respect for her, etc.

 

Just because you are nostalgic, bored or randy isn't a good reason to intrude on her life again.

 

Man up and find yourself a good driver, student and someone who'll give you all the space you need

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If someone is of legal age to be driving , I don’t think the responsibility of either improving her driving skills or schooling is of anyone’s responsibility but their own.

 

So not a parents responsibility or a partners.

 

Likewise it’s not up to a parent or partner to judge.

 

You're taking my comment far too literally, billie.

 

My point is that when a partner tries to tell their significant other how to drive or to do their homework, they're veering into unhealthy territory that sounds more parent-like than partner-like. And he needs to not do it. I quite clearly said she needs to learn how to be an adult on her own and learn to take responsibility for those things by herself.

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Driving and schooling are issues for a parent to deal with, not a partner. It sets up the wrong dynamic between a couple, and she needs to take responsibility for those things herself. Learn to "adult", as the kids say.

 

As far as not giving you space, can you elaborate? How much time did you want to spend together, and how how much time did she want to spend with you? That's not necessarily a small flaw, but a matter of compatibility. She likes a lot of together time while you need more me-time, from the sounds of it. It therefore wouldn't be up to her to make all the changes that, but you too. Would be willing to spend more time with her? If she winds up being the one to compromise while you don't, she will likely not be that happy in the end as it's not a true reflection of her character. There's room for compromise in any relationship, of course, but we have to be careful that we're not trying to change who we really are just to fit the expectations of another person.

 

So, before you approach the idea of reconciliation, ask yourself this: are you genuinely into her as person, or more the fact that she is into you? We sometimes conflate the two, and later realize that we were more flattered by the idea that someone thinks the world of us while we don't actually reciprocate those feelings. Give that some thought. Also, consider that if she changes these things for you, you're not getting the real version of "her." You're getting who she thinks you want her to be. That tends to not work well over time.

 

 

She would want to hangout as soon as we woke up, sleepover, then leave at night the next day. The day after that we would be alone, but sometimes she would text me wanting to hangout again too. I never had time to do anything for me because she always wanted to do everything together as well and I was always with her. I would prefer to hangout 2 times a week so I can keep it balanced with my friends, work, school and hobbies. You’re completely right, it wouldn’t be fair at all for her to make those changes.

 

Your question really just opened my mind too. I think I’m more into the idea of her and how things would be if things changed, not who she actually is.

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If someone is of legal age to be driving , I don’t think the responsibility of either improving her driving skills or schooling is of anyone’s responsibility but their own.

 

So not a parents responsibility or a partners.

 

Likewise it’s not up to a parent or partner to judge.

 

OP, if you think your partners driving is not good and unsafe , then tell her that’s the reason why you are getting an Uber. If she gets offended then tell her you will be happy to be a passenger when she gets extra lessons and improves her skills.

Don’t be sorry for wanting to feel safe , but it’s also not a reason to break up with her .

 

As for her schooling, well maybe she doesn’t care about it?

If she does and whinges to you about it then tell her to go get on top of it.

But if she’s behind on her schooling and it doesn’t affect you then why break up with her?

 

Why does her schooling matter to you?

 

As for space?!

That IS something that is worth dumping someone for.

Can you elaborate on that though??

 

Yeah she would say how she needs to get on top of her school but never did anything, and I would end up doing work for her which I didn’t mind but she wouldn’t try to learn when I did it for her. And it’s not like she’s lazy or anything because she’s still productive for her age (17) walks her dog daily, folds her laundry, when most people my age are too lazy to. I guess that’s something that won’t change though, I see school as important and she doesn’t.

 

I just replied to MissCanuck above explaining the space situation.

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So you want to "change" her so she'll be perfect for you?

 

How about YOU change so you will be perfect for her?

 

See how that makes no sense and can't possibly work?

Yeah I see for the part where I need space. I was thinking maybe a compromise in between but even that wouldn’t work.

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Yeah I see for the part where I need space. I was thinking maybe a compromise in between but even that wouldn’t work.

 

Oh dear.. u sound exactly in the position i am in. Been with her for approx 1 yr and 3 mths. I've broken up with my ex for about 2 months now. Approx 1 month no contact. She wanted to break up in the heat on a rather small misunderstanding/argument (lots of emotional blackmailing throughout the relationship). I agreed. Then came the begging/talks of getting back together from her within a week. I declined.

 

Again, similar to you, i tried to change her behaviour/attitude. From small things to exercising - she wouldn't even go for walks with me (although she has tried) on a daily basis, laziness etc. She loves to just lay in bed all day doing nothing. Had a bad alcohol problem which she has since changed for me but it was hard to get along with her on a daily basis. I still relapse sometimes due to loneliness and whether or not i made the right decision. But i know if i got back with her, it would have been for all the wrong reasons. As people stated above, its to do with incompatibility or rather, personality clashes. Unfortunately, the underlying issue is that a person's personality/attitude do not change. That's a fact. They may change for a while but over time, they are who they are and will revert to who they are no matter what.

 

We have tried compromising this and that.. and in the end, it felt like we were just dragging/holding on to the relationship. Sure, she has good traits and we had some good times in the relationship but it wasnt enough to fight any longer on my end. It was exhausting tbh. I agree with what others say above in that even if she changes, she would be that expectation of the person you want her to be. Is it right? In my opinion, probably not. Because it opens a whole world of resentment from her end. This may carry on for years and years. So my question to you is, why waste her time and yours?

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Thanks for the reply, I sort of agree with you but now I just talked with her because she was still confused and now I don’t know what to do.

 

She told me how she started to work out AND is organizing and getting on top of her school stuff, two things that she always wanted me to force her to do but never pulled through. She basically wouldn’t do anything. I was really impressed.

 

She also brought up a good point. We were only going out for about 3-4 months before going into quarantine lockdown, which explains why we struggled. Thats when she started to invade my space which makes sense. Before that we had our own lives, we would hangout once or twice a week which I found perfect. As the lockdown restrictions come closer to an end and school starting again, we each have our own lives now.

 

I’m so confused, I know not to make rash decisions though and to take the time I need.

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Then again, I don’t feel like I’m dying to be with her. I feel like it would be nice to be with her, but I’m not suffering and in pain because I’m not with her. So I think that’s a sign...

 

Yes, I agree.

 

It sounds like it just isn't a match for you. Let her know that this isn't going to work. Be gentle and kind, but firm, and don't offer friendship (which she could misinterpret to mean there might be a chance in the future.)

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you will have to like her for the way she is.

if she doesn't like driving she doesnt its simple

you basically are not compatible thats why things didnt work out.

You will meet people who will not be perfect in many things but will still fall in love with them. Dont feel about it let it go

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