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Holding Guilt for something I did in the past


GuiltHolder

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Alright, strap in. This is a lot to explain, and I just really really need advice on what to do, or how to do it.

 

My girlfriend and I started talking and gaining feelings for each other in December, but we both said that we wouldn't be a "boyfriend and girlfriend" relationship, just talking or "a thing."

 

Fast forward to February, a week or so before we officially started to date. I had just hung up on her because she fell asleep on call, and I was extremely lonely, bored, and horny. I started snapping this one girl, and at some point, the conversation led towards kinda joking about sex and such. I had no intention on doing anything with this girl, but she sent me nudes, and in the state I was in, I took interest (I'm not proud of it), and sent a pic back (also VERY not proud of that).

We kinda flirted a bit, and then both went to sleep. I woke up feeling absolutely awful about what I had done in a fit of impulsiveness.

 

Fast forward to Valentine's day, and my girlfriend and I started officially dating, but ever since then, I've held some IMMENSE guilt over what I have done and vowed to myself to never EVER do anything like that again. I haven't ever since. I've definitely improved as a person, and haven't even gotten close to engaging in this behavior ever since then.

 

My friends tell me since I wasn't officially dating her, it wasn't too big of a deal, but my girlfriend and I talk about everything, and I feel so nasty and disgusting holding this from her. If I tell her this, I know she won't ever trust me again, understandably.

 

But I cannot lose her. I've lost her once already, and I quite literally cried for a straight week at the mention of her name. We're back together again, but I've held so much guilt for doing this, and I just don't know what to do. I need help, badly.

 

I know this is just so bad and I need to take consequences for my actions, but I just don't know what to do. I can't lose her again, but I know what I did was awful, even if we were so-called "not actually dating at the time."

 

What do I do?

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We've all done things we regret. Technically, you weren't in a committed relationship and could talk to any other woman you wanted to. Just as when people do online dating, you might chat and go on dates with multiple people, and it's a don't ask, don't tell situation. It's not the anybody's else's business, and it's not a pleasant topic, so discussing what's going on to others is unwise and you're ethically fine.

 

Give yourself a break. You learned from this and are now exclusive with her, so the boundaries have changed and you're practicing them. It will scar your relationship if you tell her, and ethically she doesn't need to know. Stop feeling guilty because you're doing the right thing.

 

What's more concerning is that she once broke up with you already. What was that about? Because on again, off again relationships usually mean a person isn't right for you. Did she bail instead of working on issues with you?

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You're right, and that's what all my friends are saying as well, all I can say is that I feel terrible, but I suppose that will fade away with just a bit of time.

 

About that, there were certain circumstances at her home that made her panic and make a few rash decisions. We've both learned from that experience, and she promises to never make any pre-made decisions without talking to me about it. Nowadays, if something comes up, we talk about it and try our best to resolve everything.

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I know that, and I wasn't saying she needs my permission. This was a promise she made to me: the reason we broke up in the past was because she panicked about something without talking to anyone about the matter. Everyone around her was saying to not break up with me, and she didn't listen.

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Why is your very troubled relationship littered with on/off, breakups, sexting others and all sorts of other nonsense? have you met in person? How old is she?

 

BTW, she doesn't need your permission to dump you again, and judging from your proclivity to "get horny bored and sext" others, it was probably the right call.

: the reason we broke up in the past was because she panicked about something without talking to anyone about the matter.
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I would stop with the confiding in friends. You never know which of your friends might decide to let it "slip" to your girlfriend. Then she'd be REALLY mad.

 

Fair enough. I say friends, but I've only spoken to one friend about this. I thought about reaching out, but because of exactly what you said, I decided not to.

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I commend you for your conscience. Having said that, in your case, I wouldn't reach out.

 

Focus and concentrate on being a good man and a decent human being for yourself and your girlfriend. Be a changed man which you are!

 

Don't create drama nor fights.

 

Have a peaceful relationship with your girlfriend and keep moving forward. Don't look back anymore. Be a good person, practice self control, be an honorable man for yourself, a true gentleman to your girlfriend and others. That's what you should do, no more, no less.

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I commend you for your conscience. Having said that, in your case, I wouldn't reach out.

 

Focus and concentrate on being a good man and a decent human being for yourself and your girlfriend. Be a changed man which you are!

 

Don't create drama nor fights.

 

Have a peaceful relationship with your girlfriend and keep moving forward. Don't look back anymore. Be a good person, practice self control, be an honorable man for yourself, a true gentleman to your girlfriend and others. That's what you should do, no more, no less.

 

After asking around in a few forums and also thinking myself, I plan on going to a counselor to get some professional help! I just contacted my college's counseling office.

 

And of course I'm going to use this guilt of mine to grow, in order to become the best person that I can be for her, in order to redeem for my past mistakes, though I'll also be (hopefully) ready to do what the counselor says.

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Excellent. Your guilt is not her issue. And she would most likely not welcome contact from someone who tormented her. It would also help absolve the guilt and perhaps look into any dark past or thoughts that trouble you.

 

What, exactly, is the motive to contact her after 10 yrs?

I plan on going to a counselor to get some professional help! I just contacted my college's counseling office. to become the best person that I can be for her
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Excellent. Your guilt is not her issue. And she would most likely not welcome contact from someone who tormented her. It would also help absolve the guilt and perhaps look into any dark past or thoughts that trouble you.

 

What, exactly, is the motive to contact her after 10 yrs?

 

While you may not agree with this, I've decided not to tell her just yet. I will be going to my counselor in order to get help from a trained professional, and I will be following their own instructions and guidance, in order to absolve any issues I may or may not have (I'll find out if I have any more issues when I start up sessions I would hope/assume), and also to work with them on what I should do.

 

During this, I plan to stay loyal to her. I don't want to hurt her, she's too precious and sweet for her to be hurt, and I NEED to become a better person for her sake. If I find out I'm not the person for her, then there will be another conversation, but in the meantime, I will be working hard on myself in order to become that good person I think she deserves.

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Good idea about seeking professional counseling.

 

You can redeem your past mistakes by changing for the better, doing it sincerely and humbly.

 

Always think of the outcome and regrets if you say something which would've been better left unsaid.

 

Since your relationship with your girlfriend is currently sound and peaceful, just keep it that way. No sense causing discord when there isn't any now! Keep the peace, maintain the peace, think before you act, speak and write. You'll be fine.

 

Don't beat yourself up over guilt otherwise you'll drive yourself mad. Let it go and keep moving forward. Enjoy a good life, be a good man and all will be well.

 

We all make mistakes. You're smart for learning from past mistakes, improving yourself and creating peace for you and your girlfriend. Put the past behind you and each day is a new day for you.

 

And, the person you want to apologize to you has since moved forward with her own life. She's very busy and not thinking of you. Therefore, move on with your own life, too and create the best, most peaceful relationship with your girlfriend.

 

No more negative thoughts. Think positively!

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Good idea about seeking professional counseling.

You can redeem your past mistakes by changing for the better, doing it sincerely and humbly.

Always think of the outcome and regrets if you say something which would've been better left unsaid.

Since your relationship with your girlfriend is currently sound and peaceful, just keep it that way. No sense causing discord when there isn't any now! Keep the peace, maintain the peace, think before you act, speak and write. You'll be fine.

Don't beat yourself up over guilt otherwise you'll drive yourself mad. Let it go and keep moving forward. Enjoy a good life, be a good man and all will be well.

We all make mistakes. You're smart for learning from past mistakes, improving yourself and creating peace for you and your girlfriend. Put the past behind you and each day is a new day for you.

And, the person you want to apologize to you has since moved forward with her own life. She's very busy and not thinking of you. Therefore, move on with your own life, too and create the best, most peaceful relationship with your girlfriend.

No more negative thoughts. Think positively!

 

I think the counseling should help me decide what to do, so I'm very glad I reached out. I'm waiting for an email back as we speak.

 

I think the reason my guilt is so strong right now is because

a) my girlfriend and I tell each other everything and I feel like I'm breaking that promise, but as you said, she would be way too hurt if I were to tell her this, which is understandable, and

b) right now I feel as though I'm nowhere good enough for her, and I need to work and improve on that. She thinks I am such a good person and have always been a good person. I can agree with the fact that I'm a really decent person now, but I betrayed my feelings for her and her in general just because I was horny.

 

I haven't done anything like this since, and I think I need to prove to myself and to her that I can be the most amazing boyfriend. Then maybe once I get professional help and prove that I have changed, I may tell her. I don't know yet.

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but I betrayed my feelings for her and her in general just because I was horny.

 

Quick note, I wish to reiterate that I haven't cheated or even got close to it since that weird unofficial but kinda official cheating that I did before Valentine's Day.

 

I think I'm a much better person, I'm just so confused on what I need to do, aside from the fact that I've already reached out to my college counseling services.

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I think the counseling should help me decide what to do, so I'm very glad I reached out. I'm waiting for an email back as we speak.

 

I think the reason my guilt is so strong right now is because

a) my girlfriend and I tell each other everything and I feel like I'm breaking that promise, but as you said, she would be way too hurt if I were to tell her this, which is understandable, and

b) right now I feel as though I'm nowhere good enough for her, and I need to work and improve on that. She thinks I am such a good person and have always been a good person. I can agree with the fact that I'm a really decent person now, but I betrayed my feelings for her and her in general just because I was horny.

 

I haven't done anything like this since, and I think I need to prove to myself and to her that I can be the most amazing boyfriend. Then maybe once I get professional help and prove that I have changed, I may tell her. I don't know yet.

 

Counseling is a good idea.

 

I think you're confused about honesty and transparency. This is a moral dilemma for you. You have to think about outcomes. If you know that confessing to your girlfriend about your past will cause her to leave you, then this is the gamble and risk you are taking. Always foresee the future outcome and that will determine whether or not you should tell her EVERYTHING. Do you think losing her will be worth it in the end? Will hurting her be worth it to you? Why cause your girlfriend unnecessary pain? Leave well enough alone. Don't cause drama when there isn't any. Keep the peace.

 

If you want to prove to yourself and your girlfriend that you're an amazing boyfriend, then act like one from this day forward. Be a very decent, moral, honorable man to yourself and her and you will be all right!

 

Don't obsess over the past anymore. Stop living in the past. Everyday is a new day so enjoy every minute. Count your blessings and practice gratitude.

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I think the reason my guilt is so strong right now is because

a) my girlfriend and I tell each other everything and I feel like I'm breaking that promise, but as you said, she would be way too hurt if I were to tell her this, which is understandable, and

b) right now I feel as though I'm nowhere good enough for her, and I need to work and improve on that. She thinks I am such a good person and have always been a good person. I can agree with the fact that I'm a really decent person now, but I betrayed my feelings for her and her in general just because I was horny.

 

I haven't done anything like this since, and I think I need to prove to myself and to her that I can be the most amazing boyfriend. Then maybe once I get professional help and prove that I have changed, I may tell her. I don't know yet.

 

Even the most decent and noble people make mistakes. As your relationship continues, both of you will make mistakes. You'll disappoint and hurt each other. But as long as you are open and honest with each other and work together through any issue, those mistakes will just be bumps on the road. You can work through this and anything else that comes up. And don't doubt what a good person you are. The fact that you feel this guilty shows that you are a good guy and just how much you care about her.

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