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Need some advice about my crush


Jared501970
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I have been talking to my crush from church about a year and a half now. I haven't seen her in 30 years and I found her on Facebook in 2019. Everything is going well between her and I so far. Last week, we were talking on Snap Chat and she sent me a picture on Snap Chat and I asked her to text me that picture. She did text me the picture from a different number. I thought that new number was hers, so I started to text her to that number. After a couple of days, I asked her if she was doing okay and I get a text saying that this was her boyfriend and she was doing okay. I was like what? I became sad because I didn't know that she was talking to someone else and that she had a boyfriend. So, I sent her a message on Snap Chat saying that I was sad and why come she didn't tell me that she had a boyfriend. And I told her that I was going to step back and I hope that he treated her well and treat her like a queen and I told her that I wouldn't be texting her back and I left her a voicemail stating the same thing. About 3 hours later, she sent me a text once she got off work and asked me what's going on. And I told her about the text that I got earlier and she stated that this guy wasn't her boyfriend at all. He was just a friend from her ex-husband he was trying to control her. She called me and I heard her tell him that she wasn't his girlfriend. We talked for awhile and she asked me if she can come and see me and I said yes. We planned for her to come to see me in October. On Monday, she asked me if she can come and see me in December instead of October and I said of course she can. I was still texting her new number and on Tuesday or Wednesday, my number was blocked on the new number. I have cell phone for work and I decided to text the number from that and today, my work cell phone is blocked as well. I don't know if that cell phone is hers or the guy's cell phone number. I haven't heard from her since Monday. But she isn't really good at texting at all. She might not text me for 4 or 5 days and then text me for 2 days and stop texting for 3 or 4 days and start texting me again for 3 or 4 days. So, I am going to hear from her here soon. On Snap Chat text that I got on Monday, she said she was doing fine but on Sunday, something scared her but she was doing okay though. Now, I am worried that she might be in some trouble now. I don't trust the guy that she was arguing with. What should I do? What is everyone's opinion about this?

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I have forgotten to mention some things after rereading my post. Since we have been texting each other, she has told me that she loves it when I text her and she has told me that she rereads my texts for motivation. She always tells me that I am good to her and she loves the way I treat her. She was in a controlling marriage and she doesn't want to be controlled anymore. Her ex mentally abused her. I know that she appreciates me. I don't know if that is her number or the guy's number since it is a different area code from her old number. She did tell me that she had a new number. I don't want to assume things at all. I do believe what she tells me and she hasn't done anything to make me doubt her at all. I mean I don't think that she would just come and do something to make me doubt her.

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The only adults that use Snapchat are those that have something to hide!

 

Is she a “friend” of yours on Facebook still?

 

Why use Snapchat?

Why not message and phone each other like adults?

 

Either she is still married or in a relationship with someone whose I tunes accounts are connected or whatever?

But she mucked up not realising her other half’s number would appear when she texted you.

 

When you heard her tell someone he wasn’t her bf, did you hear a male voice respond?

Even if she was to have that discussion with someone thinking he is her bf , wouldn’t you like to think she would have a sensitive chat with him? In private?

 

Geez she is such a bad liar and cheater lol

 

She is not coming to visit you , yes you telling her she is a princess or queen when she clearly isn’t , makes her feel great. And when she wants a mood boost she contacts you knowing you will tell her how amazing she is.

 

But she isn’t.

 

Block her on all her numbers , social media etc

 

Why would you even entertain such BS ?

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Billie28,

 

Did you even read my posts at all. I mean you just picked and choose what you wanted to read and commented instead of be objective. If you read my posts, I said that we were texting each other via our numbers and Snap Chat. We have always texted each other, called each other and FaceTimed each other. Yes, she is still my friend on Facebook. She is not still married. I checked and she got divorced in 2018. When she called me, I did hear a male voice on the other end. I have to disagree with you on everything that you wrote to be honest. That isn't me being naive or whatever. Or that I do like her. I am thinking this through with a clear head right now. Just because someone uses Snapchat, that doesn't mean some is cheating or whatever. I snapchat with other friends. I have to disagree with you on that to be honest. But thank you for your opinion though.

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I think you need to let go of her, OP.

 

Whatever is happening with her is messy. She's not in a place to develop anything meaningful with you.

 

EDIT: I read your previous post on this woman. I know you want this to work out very badly, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. Nothing has changed since April, and she's still apparently living directly under the thumb of her ex-husband. You're wasting your time, man.

Edited by MissCanuck
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MissCanuck,

 

I have to disagree with you on that. The reason I am saying that is because when we first started talking again, she needed someone in her life to help her out. She was in a low place and I told myself if I ever found her, I would be there for her. She just got out of a bad marriage where her ex mentally abused and controlled her. She has grown so much in the year and half since we have started talking again. I just can't abandon someone like that. You know what I mean? Maybe she needs someone stable in her life. Do you understand what I mean? Someone that can show her that things will get better for her. And she has been there for me as well. Do I think that whatever is happening with her is messy? No I don't. This is the only problem that we have had since we started talking again. Do I think that it is a problem? No. Do I think that there are people who are going to try to control her again? Yes I do. I mean this guy friend if hers tried to control her like her ex. If I took your advice and let her go and I find out that something seriously happened to her or she got seriously hurt, I would feel so bad because I wasn't there for her. Do you know what I mean? I have been looking for her for 30 years and I have to find out if this will work. If it doesn't work, then I would know and I would move on with my life. Do you know what I mean? Has she lied to me? I don't think so at all. I mean she knows that she doesn't want to be controlled anymore or have any type of mental abuse again in her life. I mean we are supposed to help people when they are in trouble. Not say forget it and move on and have them go back to the problem. Do you know what I mean? When we were growing up, she helped me through a difficult time doing that time period and she didn't turn her back on me. I owe her for helping me back in day. I am not going to turn my back on her when she's going through a difficult time. Do you know what I mean?

Edited by Jared501970
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Have you come here for unbiased advice or validation of your own thoughts which are emotionally driven?

 

“She just got out of a bad marriage where her ex mentally abused and controlled her. She has grown so much in the year and half since we have started talking again. I just can't abandon someone like that”

 

I believe you served your purpose , at least what your purpose meant to her.

Your compliments and ego boosting possibly has helped her grow.

But she’s ready to fly alone now thanks to you.

It’s not unlike rearing a child. At some point they will leave when ready to.

 

She won’t feel abandoned by you. She has already flown the nest on her own free will.

 

Unfortunately that leaves you in an empty nest but you did sign up for it.

 

She’s gone.

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People who are vulnerable/exposed to abuse, find themselves being controlled, not only by the abuser but also those who want to help. You need to back off, and let her reach out to you. Never tell her that she has to do this or needs to do that...just listen. If she disappears, let her. She has to figure things out if she is going to have any empowerment to do so.

 

Unfortunately this can easily turn into codependency. You trying to rescue her, and her using you as her emotional security blanket. Tho it seems very noble of you to be supportive in her time of need, this is a damaging way to develop a romantic relationship.

 

Not talking about her situation might be the best...just be a positive light for her.

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And once again, I don't think you know what you are talking about to be honest. If you honestly gave me some unbiased advice, I would have listened to what you had to say but you didn't. You can think whatever you think about me. I think your advice is wrong to be honest. She just called me right now and we just planned for her to come and see me in December like we planned.

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People who are vulnerable/exposed to abuse, find themselves being controlled, not only by the abuser but also those who want to help. You need to back off, and let her reach out to you. Never tell her that she has to do this or needs to do that...just listen. If she disappears, let her. She has to figure things out if she is going to have any empowerment to do so.

 

Unfortunately this can easily turn into codependency. You trying to rescue her, and her using you as her emotional security blanket. Tho it seems very noble of you to be supportive in her time of need, this is a damaging way to develop a romantic relationship.

 

Not talking about her situation might be the best...just be a positive light for her.

 

 

 

And I have to disagree with you on that as well. Thank you for your opinion

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And I have to disagree with you on that as well. Thank you for your opinion

 

Have you ever worked with anyone that has been in abusive relationships before? I have....have you ever been in an abusive relationship before? I have. They need to be able to stand on their own and make their own decisions. Been on the boards for decades and you are going to get burned if you get too involved when she is trying to sort her life out. Just warning you. You wouldn't be here if any of what you are doing is working.

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I have to disagree with you on that. The reason I am saying that is because when we first started talking again, she needed someone in her life to help her out. She was in a low place and I told myself if I ever found her, I would be there for her. She just got out of a bad marriage where her ex mentally abused and controlled her. She has grown so much in the year and half since we have started talking again. I just can't abandon someone like that. You know what I mean? Maybe she needs someone stable in her life. Do you understand what I mean? Someone that can show her that things will get better for her. And she has been there for me as well. Do I think that whatever is happening with her is messy? No I don't. This is the only problem that we have had since we started talking again. Do I think that it is a problem? No. Do I think that there are people who are going to try to control her again? Yes I do. I mean this guy friend if hers tried to control her like her ex. If I took your advice and let her go and I find out that something seriously happened to her or she got seriously hurt, I would feel so bad because I wasn't there for her. Do you know what I mean? I have been looking for her for 30 years and I have to find out if this will work. If it doesn't work, then I would know and I would move on with my life. Do you know what I mean? Has she lied to me? I don't think so at all. I mean she knows that she doesn't want to be controlled anymore or have any type of mental abuse again in her life. I mean we are supposed to help people when they are in trouble. Not say forget it and move on and have them go back to the problem. Do you know what I mean? When we were growing up, she helped me through a difficult time doing that time period and she didn't turn her back on me. I owe her for helping me back in day. I am not going to turn my back on her when she's going through a difficult time. Do you know what I mean?

 

Yes, I know what you mean.

 

However, I don't think what you mean is very healthy for you at all. I think you're deep in denial about this woman, and only fooling yourself if you think this is going to go somewhere. Sadly, you are very likely to learn this the hard way.

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Who is paying for this trip? I'm assuming you, if it even happens, which is doubtful. Have you given her money during this time? You're inviting toxic drama in your life, because she hasn't learned anything since she's allows a controlling "friend" to take over her personal social media.

 

When you're not happy in your present, you look to the past to try to find happiness. You've chosen to live in a fantasyland of who this crush from 30 years ago is. Long distance dating is the hardest form of dating there is. As you see, you've invested a year and a half of your emotional energy into something that could fall apart when you actually meet up, if that even happens. You can't date at a normal pace, and with someone visiting, it's too lengthy to be healthy at such an early stage of physically being together. And it takes a lot longer to really know a person with LDR. Takes longer to see skeletons in the closet if there are any. Takes longer to see if you match in all the major ways, and to see how they handle stress.

 

I'd suggest local dating and join Meetup.com groups in your area, for singles in your age group.

 

You clearly won't listen to anyone here, so go ahead and wait until December or beyond, when she cancels that trip. Living in LaLa land, which is what it always is before physically meeting (and being in each others presence 30 years ago means nothing), will one day get old, and perhaps being lonely for yet another year will wake you up to reality.

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Is she married?

I haven't seen her in 30 years and I found her on Facebook in 2019. She did text me the picture from a different number. I thought that new number was hers, so I started to text her to that number. He was just a friend from her ex-husband he was trying to control her.
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Who is paying for this trip? I'm assuming you, if it even happens, which is doubtful. Have you given her money during this time? You're inviting toxic drama in your life, because she hasn't learned anything since she's allows a controlling "friend" to take over her personal social media.

 

When you're not happy in your present, you look to the past to try to find happiness. You've chosen to live in a fantasyland of who this crush from 30 years ago is. Long distance dating is the hardest form of dating there is. As you see, you've invested a year and a half of your emotional energy into something that could fall apart when you actually meet up, if that even happens. You can't date at a normal pace, and with someone visiting, it's too lengthy to be healthy at such an early stage of physically being together. And it takes a lot longer to really know a person with LDR. Takes longer to see skeletons in the closet if there are any. Takes longer to see if you match in all the major ways, and to see how they handle stress.

 

I'd suggest local dating and join Meetup.com groups in your area, for singles in your age group.

 

You clearly won't listen to anyone here, so go ahead and wait until December or beyond, when she cancels that trip. Living in LaLa land, which is what it always is before physically meeting (and being in each others presence 30 years ago means nothing), will one day get old, and perhaps being lonely for yet another year will wake you up to reality.

 

She is paying for the trip. I have not given her any money at all. And I think that you are wrong as well. She hasn't talked to this freidn since she told him to leave her alone. I am not living some kind of lala land at all to be honest. And I will wait until December because you are very wrong. And I will come back and put a picture of both of us.

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Yes, I know what you mean.

 

However, I don't think what you mean is very healthy for you at all. I think you're deep in denial about this woman, and only fooling yourself if you think this is going to go somewhere. Sadly, you are very likely to learn this the hard way.

 

There is no denial on my part at all. Come on now. I am not fooling myself or anything else like that.

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Have you ever worked with anyone that has been in abusive relationships before? I have....have you ever been in an abusive relationship before? I have. They need to be able to stand on their own and make their own decisions. Been on the boards for decades and you are going to get burned if you get too involved when she is trying to sort her life out. Just warning you. You wouldn't be here if any of what you are doing is working.

 

I am here because I had a problem about the numbers to be honest. Everything that I have done has worked to be honest. Have I been in a abusive relationship before? Yes I have and I totally disagree with you about what you said about relationships. You are so wrong about. What works for one person might not work for another. So, please don't say that type of stuff okay. I don't need any type of warnings from you

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true story: A client that was OCD noticed a gap in her content listing (she had a water damage claim). She asked for the missing part of the list. I told her we were given instruction to not list the contents of her closet, and that the dry cleaners took everything out of there. She asked me the same thing for about 3 months. She wasn't having any of what I explained to her..there was no list. Over and over she asked...she did that because she thought I was wrong, there was a list and she will eventually get what she wants even tho it didn't exist. Well there you have an example of dealing with OCD.

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