Just broke up with a married man I was never with...

[LaHermes]

Jen.

 

I very much fear that the announcement "my marriage is over" is up there with another expression much used by these types "my wife doesn't understand me." Only when you meet an individual in person and he shows you the divorce papers (assuming you were to meet someone who says he is divorced) do you believe, adding that the divorce decree should not bear last week's date. Divorced people need quite a long time to get back to themselves before attempting to enter a new relationship.

 

All that said, I only realised a while that you actually never met this man! How can one have a relationship with an unknown individual on a screen. I ask. Over three years at that. Where was he located or what was the reason why at the outset you didn't ask for a meeting?

 

Next time round, insist on meeting in person and very quickly at that.

 

Sadder but wiser, Jen. Take care

[SherrySher]

You never actually met him in person? I don't know why, but I assumed you had met and spent time together in person.

 

I don't deny that people can somewhat connect over the internet, but for an actual connection that involves love? You'd have to meet irl.

You have no clue if you would even have chemistry, and no you can't guess at that. Chemistry is a very odd thing, you can only know for sure once you've kissed that person irl. It would either be like fireworks or like kissing your cousin and until it happens, you have no idea which one it's going to be.

 

You also don't know what he's like irl. He may be totally different from what you've seen online. He might be hiding a lot more then he already has.

 

Have you ever seen the movie Catfish?

It's basically about a person who pretends to be someone online but irl life they are completely opposite. But they do make someone fall in love with them online and when that person goes to see them irl, they realize that the person they fell in love with doesn't exist as the whole thing was made up. She lied about her life, her past, her current life. She lied about her likes and dislikes, who her friends were....everything. And this girl took it very far where she even made an entire FB page with over 200 friends and photoshopped pictures, etc.

 

The bottom line is, if you've never actually met him, you don't know who he is and what was real and what wasn't.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you, Jen. Catfishing isn't just about money. Lots of people enjoy the distraction of fantasy, and that's why keeping your focus on real life or published fiction for leisure is important for those who are inclined to invest too easily in fantasy as reality.

 

Your grief is real, despite being based on fantasy. In fact, breaking with our own fantasies can be harder than the reality of breaking with real-life people who don't work out.

 

You've invested 3 years in an online fantasy. That's tough, because you've integrated that experience into your life, and doing that has detracted from the focus you could have invested in your real life. That's a tough pill to swallow.

 

Words are words. Anybody can type them. More practiced liars can even say them in FaceTime or real life. So what should that tell you?

 

It's a knee-jerk reaction when feeling deceived to project mistrust onto all of humanity. It's also a mistake.

 

Part of maturity is learning how to recognize our own mistakes as learning devices rather than chalk those up to victimization, because empowerment only comes from recognizing our responsibility for self care.

 

So this isn't about blame, it's about learning how to best trust our OWN judgment based on new information. We can't do that when pointing to the deceptions of others because we can, instead, learn how to screen out deceptive people. By keeping our private trust meter set at a neutral 5 on a scale of 1 through 10 until someone EARNS our trust with real-life demonstrations of ethical behavior, we also learn to recognize any misalignment with our own private ethics.

 

Head high, we ALL learn by living, and we all make mistakes along the way. Take pride in your choice to walk away, and don't invest too heavily in how much suffering this 'must' cause for you. Maybe you can choose instead to ascend beyond a need to suffer too much for a mistake that can transform you, instead.

[lostandhurt]

Beautiful animals. I have been seeing quite a few around my city. I think that he is also a high energy pooch! What’s his name? Happy Birthday!

 

Jake and yes he is very high energy which he needs to be to keep up with me. Super smart and well trained and a real joy to have in my life.

 

He loves hiking in the mountains with me.

 

Lost

[lostandhurt]

You're so right. He has cheated throughout his marriage and rationalised it by saying 'I used to feel shame but now have unconditional self-compassion'. It's just sad because I felt very strongly towards him but I was probably one of many. I'm not willing to put up with that behaviour so I doubt I'll hear from him again unless he decides to leave his wife, which seems highly unlikely. xx

 

He actually said that to you??? That is the ultimate in selfishness. Basically he could use that reasoning to excuse any behavior.

 

You are way better off with this guy out of your life.

 

Time to get out of the fantasy world and focus on real men near you. You have so much more value than this.

 

Lost

[MrsWise]

I never intended to get with a married man. I never would. I was told the marriage was over. I understand now that he was lying about this.

 

Unless he is divorced and living separately from his former wife, he's still married. Separated = still married even if he moved out. Until they have both signed on the dotted line for the divorce papers. still living at home? ?Then you're the other women plain and simple. That's the oldest line in the book