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Just broke up with a married man I was never with...


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Thank you Lost (your username betrays your wisdom!) You're so right. During my last breakup, I made it my intention to get fit, lose weight and be consistent with diet and exercise. I've been very successful with this. My emotional health is another issue! I still seek validation from men, specifically Mr Married. Obviously this is something that will need to change, though I'm not quite sure where to begin. Definitely something to ponder xx

 

I see a new thread in your future. There are absolutely wonderful women on here that have been through exactly what you have been through that can help you. All you have to do is ask and of course listen to their advice. Going it alone is silly when there is a wealth of knowledge right here for you.

 

Lessons learned by others and shared is a huge gift but treat it with reverence.

 

Best wishes

Lost

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I agree, this community is so loving and supportive. I definitely want to heed the advice you've given me so far by staying on the no contact path. This man has been a prominent part of my life for a long time now so I don't imagine it will be easy to be without him, but as my mum said 'you never had him in the first place'. Sometimes breaking away from the potential of someone, the fantasy, is the most difficult part. xx

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But he was just words on a screen and a voice over an electronic device. He couldn't have been a "prominent part" of your life when you never, not once, spent time with him in person. Or even saw him in person.

 

He's as much a "prominent part" of your life as a character on a television show or in a film. Just tell yourself that; he was a character on a show. I think it will help.

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But he was just words on a screen and a voice over an electronic device. He couldn't have been a "prominent part" of your life when you never, not once, spent time with him in person. Or even saw him in person.

 

He's as much a "prominent part" of your life as a character on a television show or in a film. Just tell yourself that; he was a character on a show. I think it will help.

 

Yes, this does help. We video chatted every day, and I formed an impression of what he'd be like in person. I guess that's all part of the fantasy that I need to get over. The reality is probably very different and I'll never know.

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Jen...The one lesson I'd take from this is he demonstrated his disloyalty towards his wife whom he exchanged vows with, in order to get some action on the side. He, in turn is showing her their bond means so little to him that he chose to shop around. What a catch!

 

At any rate, as long as you can move forward and take the lesson with you, I'm sure you'll still land on your feet.

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Jen...The one lesson I'd take from this is he demonstrated his disloyalty towards his wife whom he exchanged vows with, in order to get some action on the side. He, in turn is showing her their bond means so little to him that he chose to shop around. What a catch!

 

At any rate, as long as you can move forward and take the lesson with you, I'm sure you'll still land on your feet.

 

You're so right. He has cheated throughout his marriage and rationalised it by saying 'I used to feel shame but now have unconditional self-compassion'. It's just sad because I felt very strongly towards him but I was probably one of many. I'm not willing to put up with that behaviour so I doubt I'll hear from him again unless he decides to leave his wife, which seems highly unlikely. xx

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You're so right. He has cheated throughout his marriage and rationalised it by saying 'I used to feel shame but now have unconditional self-compassion'. It's just sad because I felt very strongly towards him but I was probably one of many. I'm not willing to put up with that behaviour so I doubt I'll hear from him again unless he decides to leave his wife, which seems highly unlikely. xx

 

And even if he did leave his wife, would you want to be promoted from "Cheats With" to "Cheats On"? Plus, how fulfilling do you find an electronic "relationship"?

 

He sounds like my ex, who justified his cheating by saying "I know who I am". "Unconditional self compassion", what a load of BS. Please tell me you laughed at him when he said that because that is ludicrous.

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The second you found out that he had a wife, you should have left. Since you remained, you became a homewrecker and a woman's worst nightmare.

 

At this point, whatever heartache you receive, you deserve. You do not go after other people's men.

 

Karma will hit you hard one day and one day you'll be the wife and someone will be flirting and having sex with your man, only then will you truly know what you've done.

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He looked like a stuffed toy back then. He is an Australian Shepherd Red Merle and turned 6 in July. Still acts like a puppy every second of every day...

 

I guess I should change to a recent pic of him.

 

Lost

 

Beautiful animals. I have been seeing quite a few around my city. I think that he is also a high energy pooch! What’s his name? Happy Birthday!

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And even if he did leave his wife, would you want to be promoted from "Cheats With" to "Cheats On"? Plus, how fulfilling do you find an electronic "relationship"?

 

He sounds like my ex, who justified his cheating by saying "I know who I am". "Unconditional self compassion", what a load of BS. Please tell me you laughed at him when he said that because that is ludicrous.

 

You're right. I'm still in that stage of grief over the whole dynamic but there's also a lot of it that is becoming very clear to me. The fact that, if he did leave his wife, I would constantly be suspecting he was cheating, and with good reason. Your ex saying 'I know who I am' is such a man thing to say! I recently spoke to someone I know, a married man whose marriage is pretty much asexual, and who frequently goes on dating websites to look for girls. He told me he had come to accept this harlequin side of himself. Accepting this, knowing who you are, having self-compassion...it's all BS terminology for 'I want to cheat and I don't want to feel guilty'. Good riddance!

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The second you found out that he had a wife, you should have left. Since you remained, you became a homewrecker and a woman's worst nightmare.

 

At this point, whatever heartache you receive, you deserve. You do not go after other people's men.

 

Karma will hit you hard one day and one day you'll be the wife and someone will be flirting and having sex with your man, only then will you truly know what you've done.

 

Ouch. I don't think it's as black and white as this. Home wrecker? No. I didn't even know there was a home to wreck, a relationship to be involved in! I definitely played a part in the situation but I was lied to, constantly assured that the marriage was over and that he was on his way out. Yes, I shouldn't have so easily believed him, but as far as I knew, he was telling the truth. I don't think it's quite so easy as leaving as soon as you find out it's a lie. I was sweet-talked. Yes, I have harboured a great deal of guilt for this but I absolutely did not go 'after' someone else's man and never would. Don't judge until you walk a mile in someone else's shoes. The fact is, I was the one to feel guilt and shame, and I ended it. I was not the one who was in a relationship, lying and cheating. Please don't make such bold assumptions.

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It wasn't your fault when you got involved and didn't know, but ever since you knew and kept going back, shame on you.

 

This is unfair. When I found out the reality of the situation, I said we needed to just be friends, which was difficult for me as I loved him. You've obviously been hurt in the past and that's awful, but don't assume that everyone who finds themselves with a married man had the intention to hurt anyone, or to even be involved with a married man. I certainly did not and feel I took the right action when the truth became clear. I regret even getting involved with him, but you tend to believe someone when they say their marriage is over.

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Don't get involved with married men. You'll create your own misery by getting involved in a no win situation with a cheater/liar.

 

All you know is that he lacks integrity. The rest is a fantasy you built out of desperation.

 

I never intended to get with a married man. I never would. I was told the marriage was over. I understand now that he was lying about this.

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If someone lives with their partner, you take the next exit off that roadway

 

On some level you know things didn't add up, but loneliness and desperation hijacked your common sense

I never intended to get with a married man. I never would. I was told the marriage was over. I understand now that he was lying about this.
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You've obviously been hurt in the past and that's awful,

 

Nope, wrong again. Your judgement isn't too good. I haven't been hurt like that, thank god. I don't go where it seems sketchy and I make sure 100% that the man I am with is completely single (or at least I did before I was married).

 

I don't have time for people who make excuses, all the while cheating or continuing on with a cheater and trying to somehow justify it and call it "love".

 

He's not yours to have, he never was. It was a full blown lie. Let it go now.

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Stay away from him. That's all you need to know. He is someone else's husband and he is a liar and cheater. Why would you ever want a scumbag like that?

 

It's not love, it's some kind of dysfunction. Him cheating on his wife, and you trying to create some twisted fantasy.

 

I intend to stay away from him. I don't see what good can get out of the situation. I argue that it wasn't a 'twisted' fantasy though. At the time, he was someone I had an emotional connection with and it developed. I imagined being with him which I think is fairly normal under the circumstances. My worst quality was that I was naive, but I never ever want to hurt anyone, hence I got out of it. I fell for someone who told me he was separated and who said he loved me. I may have been naive but I certainly didn't create a twisted fantasy.

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Nope, wrong again. Your judgement isn't too good. I haven't been hurt like that, thank god. I don't go where it seems sketchy and I make sure 100% that the man I am with is completely single (or at least I did before I was married).

 

I don't have time for people who make excuses, all the while cheating or continuing on with a cheater and trying to somehow justify it and call it "love".

 

He's not yours to have, he never was. It was a full blown lie. Let it go now.

 

Ok, sorry to make an assumption but your words are harsh and weren't representative of my outlook when I first met this person. The assumption being that I intended to get with a married man and go against a woman. It wasn't like that AT ALL. If you knew me, you'd know I am conscientious and go out of my way to ensure I don't hurt anyone. The supposition that I enjoyed being with a married man is wrong. I didn't even know I was with one and when I had more insight into the situation, I was the one to change the dynamic and eventually end it. To say I deserve to be heart broken and karma will get me is unkind.

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Okay, then why did you continue on once you found out he was married? That alone should have been enough for you to realize that none of it was real.

 

But you kept on, till he finally told you in a round about way that he's not leaving his wife. He may as well told you he doesn't actually love you either because he made his choice.

 

Jen, you need to start being honest with yourself on how far you..not him...YOU let it go and kept wanting so badly to believe in something that was never real.

 

Until you own up to that and maybe ask yourself why it is you kept believing the lies, you won't ever grow from this or move past it.

 

You're a sensible woman, smart, your writing reflects that. So why keep going back to lies and more lies after you found out the first one? As soon as you found out he was married, that should have been enough.

 

You're not trying to prove anything to me, it doesn't affect me. But you should ask yourself these questions because you continued on in a dysfunction when something inside of you had to have known it was all bogus and a man who knew how to lie.

 

Imagine what his wife lives with. That's a total nightmare for any woman, is to be married to a man like that. He treats women like crap and you know what? He has little to no conscience about it.

 

Start being honest with yourself.

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Okay, then why did you continue on once you found out he was married? That alone should have been enough for you to realize that none of it was real.

 

But you kept on, till he finally told you in a round about way that he's not leaving his wife. He may as well told you he doesn't actually love you either because he made his choice.

 

Jen, you need to start being honest with yourself on how far you..not him...YOU let it go and kept wanting so badly to believe in something that was never real.

 

Until you own up to that and maybe ask yourself why it is you kept believing the lies, you won't ever grow from this or move past it.

 

You're a sensible woman, smart, your writing reflects that. So why keep going back to lies and more lies after you found out the first one? As soon as you found out he was married, that should have been enough.

 

You're not trying to prove anything to me, it doesn't affect me. But you should ask yourself these questions because you continued on in a dysfunction when something inside of you had to have known it was all bogus and a man who knew how to lie.

 

Imagine what his wife lives with. That's a total nightmare for any woman, is to be married to a man like that. He treats women like crap and you know what? He has little to no conscience about it.

 

Start being honest with yourself.

 

Yes, I agree with you. I have been more honest with myself recently which is why I realised I couldn’t continue some crappy friendship with him and needed to cut off completely. I continued initially because I cared for him, was possibly wrapped up in his words and wanted to believe that he was in the process of leaving his wife. It didn’t last long before I recognised no progress was being made and I couldn’t continue to go against my own morality. My father cheated on my mum and broke up my family, I was also cheated on by a previous boyfriend so I know how much it can affect people, families and would never want to inflict that on anyone. I just harboured a great deal of hope that he would very soon leave the situation and be available, but I realised soon that these were just words and not backed up by intention.

Having just left a difficult relationship when I ‘met’ this guy, I was vulnerable, sensitive and more willing to believe his sweet talk than I should have been. Also having been in a difficult relationship, the fact that Neil was so far away, allowed me to keep him at a distance and was somehow ‘safer’. I have a lot of compassion for his wife, being in that situation. To the best of my understanding, she has forgiven his past indiscretion which just enables him to continue with no conscience about it, but that isn’t aligned with my own values. I realise I have a lot of self-exploration to do, thanks for allowing me to explore that.

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