Jump to content

Just broke up with a married man I was never with...


Recommended Posts

Hello all,

 

I have previously received some beautiful advice and compassion from this site, so am drawn to return and gain some insights.

 

The last time I was on this site, I was recovering from the breakup of a three-year relationship. One of my friends (whom I'd 'met' on a meditation forum online, but who lived in America whereas I live in the UK) helped me through this breakup tremendously, encouraging me to look after myself and doing healing work. This friend, who we'll call Neil, was going through the separation of his marriage of 27 years, so he told me. He didn't go into great depth about the separation, but he had introduced himself to me as being in the process of separation, and I didn't pry.

 

We were friends for about a year before things developed further. We'd speak every day, as friends. Then, I started dating someone in London and Neil began expressing feelings for me, saying he'd wished it was him I was dating, and telling me how he would look after me if we were together. I soon broke up with the guy I was dating and focused exclusively on Neil. We called more frequently, became more sexually explicit in our messages and generally became closer romantically. Due to the 8 hour time difference, I often found myself staying up late at night, waiting for his messages. He was so kind, loving and vulnerable, and so I fell head over heels. We would talk about a future together, with him hoping to come over to the UK to be with me. I understood he was still living with his wife, but didn't have full insight into the situation. When we finally spoke about it, he described the situation as complicated. I knew that only he worked and so he provided for his wife financially, she also had a daughter in her 30s from a previous relationship, but he never told me much else.

 

It turns out that he was still married and while he seemed to want to get divorced, it seemed like it was always too complicated for him to proceed with, or that he was 'working towards it', though no progress was ever made. At weekends, I wouldn't hear from him at all as he would be with his wife. He would phone me from the car on his way to work. I became increasingly irked by the situation and my role in his life as the 'other woman' which I would not have willingly accepted, had I known the full story from the beginning. But by now, I loved him so much and I suppose I was enticed by his beautiful words.

 

In April this year, during lock-down, I didn't hear from him for days at a time, as he was with his wife. It became clear to me that I wasn't a priority in his life and I took a couple of weeks to think things through. When I got back in touch, I said we needed to cool the romantic element of our relationship. Going back to a friendship took some getting used to as I still loved him. He would play out sexually, and I would sometimes flirt back, feeling intense shame and guilt afterwards and telling him we couldn't go there. He never seemed to experience the same guilt. It came out that he'd cheated throughout his marriage, and his wife had taken him back (though I'm not sure she was aware of the extent of the cheating). My feelings for him remained, but I said that until he was available, I would just be his friend.

 

Since then, I've most definitely fallen down on his priority list. We'd speak occasionally, he'd arrange to call then say something else came up, he just seemed to be distant. When he'd call, it would be from the car and I'd still feel like I was a dirty little secret. Yesterday, it became too upsetting for me. I still have strong feelings for him but he seems to be more detached since the romantic element went away. I asked him bluntly, 'do you have any intention to leave your wife?' His answer was 'I don't know. My heart changes on a daily basis'. I told him I couldn't continue playing friends when my heart felt so attached to him and yet there was no future. I said I needed distance and I wouldn't be in touch.

 

I feel absolutely shattered and devastated today. I know this is the right thing to do as he is married and misrepresented this from the start. I feel like writing a letter to explain my perspective, but I know that's just an attempt to gain his attention. I feel I need to go no contact, but it's so difficult when you've been talking to someone every day for three years. I should have been smarter from the start, I realise that x

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 55
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Oh my, you got conned big time. He was never going to leave his wife, your entire story tells that. Calls from his car? He cant call from his house if she is home! You were the secret he kept from his wife. The red flags were there but you either didn't see them or didn't acknowledge them.

 

You really need to block and delete this guy from any and all social media and your phone. Go No Contact immediately. You know this is the right thing to do. He is a liar and con artist.

 

Dont get into any more online romances with people from far away that you are not likely ever going to meet. Please learn from this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why would you want to be "friends" with someone who lied and cheated on you, and his partner? This is a low-quality individual.

 

You were not in the least suspicious, when he told you that he lived with her, and his phoning was limited. I'm sorry, how could you not know! Big, red flags waving all over the place.

 

Why would you send a letter to this POS? I also suggest that you have real life, local relationships, not fantasies.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am sorry you are hurting.

It seems you are wonderful distraction in this man's life. As long as you played along, he did too. Then when you actually voiced your concerns, it was too much hassle for him.

Before was sweet and safe...you were far, not threatening in any way. Safe distance.

3 years long lesson.

Please cut him immediately. Block, delete and remove all traces of any ilussion he created.

You probably know 20 proc of his real situation, if so. The way to recovery its only through drastic cut from him.

He is not your friend. He is a fantasy with a bitter ending.

This will pass. You will see. It is only a shame that during these 3 years you could actually missed or fail to notice a decent man who would be prepared to give you all, not crumbs.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with you both, there were red flags there from the beginning, but I suppose I was vulnerable having just had my heart broken and he was so kind and charming. I suppose I just believed what I wanted to believe, even when there was evidence to the contrary.

 

It's difficult to have real life friendships at the moment as I've just moved to a new city and lockdown has seen a lot of activities cancelled, but I do intend to do this when it's possible. You're right Holly. I have been living in a fantasy and it was never likely to be real life. I'm learning that the hard way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am sorry you are hurting.

It seems you are wonderful distraction in this ma

n life. As long as you played along, he did too. Then when you actually voiced your concerns, it was too much hassle for him.

Before was sweet and safe...you were far, not threatening in any way. Safe distance.

3 years long lesson.

Please cut him immediately. Block, delete and remove all traces of any ilussion he created.

You probably know 20 proc of his real situation, if so. I am terribly sorry. I have been there looong time ago. The way to recovery its only through drastic cut from him.

He is not your friend. He is a fantasy with a bitter ending.

 

Thank you for your kindness, you're so right xx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What a waste of three years!

 

Charming is a red flag. My ex was very charming, he too, had a past of cheating on his ex wife.

 

The lockdown has been tough, but it would be a good time to take a break from relationships for self reflection. Think about what you want in someone. What are your needs and then look for a relationship with someone local. I would also address why you chose someone who lives on another continent, who you had not met in three years. Doesn't sound like you really wanted a relationship, or you would have been with someone you could see on a regular basis, not virtually..

 

You never had time to process the previous relationship. Now, you can process both to understand what brought you here.

Edited by Hollyj
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well....you bought into the oldest lie in the book - my marriage is not happy.

 

You were vulnerable and he preyed on you big time and lied and lied and lied some more. That said, he did tell you from the get go that he is married, happily or not is irrelevant. The only relevant factor is that you are talking to a married guy and you actively chose to ignore the married part and go down the rabbit hole anyway. That's some soul searching for you to do on yourself - you weren't really such a fool that you didn't know anything. You did, you know how this story goes, you chose to get involved anyway. Predictably, you got burnt by that decision.

 

You know what you need to do - no more contact ever again. Don't be the other woman in someone else's marriage and don't ever fool yourself that the cheater is some kind of a prize. You are in love with a lie.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What a waste of three years!

 

Charming is a red flag. My ex was very charming, he too, had a past of cheating on his ex wife.

 

The lockdown has been tough, but it would be a good time to take a break from relationships for self reflection. Think about what you want in someone. What are your needs and then look for a relationship with someone local. I would also address why you chose someone who lives on another continent, who you had not met in three years. Doesn't sound like you really wanted a relationship, or you would have been with someone you could see on a regular basis, not virtually..

 

You never had time to process the previous relationship. Now, you can process both to understand what brought you here.

 

Yes, I don't think I was ready for another relationship, and this one felt 'safe'. There was no genuine commitment on his part, and my commitment was at a distance because I'd been hurt before. I definitely don't intend to enter another relationship for a long time. I just need peace.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well....you bought into the oldest lie in the book - my marriage is not happy.

 

You were vulnerable and he preyed on you big time and lied and lied and lied some more. That said, he did tell you from the get go that he is married, happily or not is irrelevant. The only relevant factor is that you are talking to a married guy and you actively chose to ignore the married part and go down the rabbit hole anyway. That's some soul searching for you to do on yourself - you weren't really such a fool that you didn't know anything. You did, you know how this story goes, you chose to get involved anyway. Predictably, you got burnt by that decision.

 

You know what you need to do - no more contact ever again. Don't be the other woman in someone else's marriage and don't ever fool yourself that the cheater is some kind of a prize. You are in love with a lie.

 

I would argue that while I knew he was married, he introduced himself as being separated. Obviously it was not my intention to fall in love with a married man. However, you are right that it was too easy to do so and this is something I need to examine.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am sorry Jen, and I agree with the other posters. Yes, you got conned.

 

You said:

 

"and he was so kind and charming."

 

More accurately he seemed kind and charming. Spurious charm.

 

I think, Jen, that you really need to up your radar significantly to be able to see the difference between "what seems" and what actually is".

 

Meantime, absolute no contact with this conman. A pathological liar.

 

And this:

 

"he introduced himself as being separated."

 

Anyone can introduce themselves as anyone. Don't let anyone spin you a tale ever again. And btw separated means still married.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What I see is that you turned your emotions for the bf you broke up with towards Neil and never really healed. He used you for sex talk and you used him as an emotional crutch instead of dealing with your healing properly.

 

Basically he was an emotional rebound.

 

You were so distraught over the break up with your extremely crappy bf in November 2018, pined away for him and then instead of healing you distracted yourself with this loser an ocean away to make yourself feel better. There was no healing, no growth and no moving forward. Since Neil was thousands of miles away AND married he was a safe bet.

 

My question to you is what next? Will you simply find some new guy to distract you or will you seriously try to heal?

 

Lost

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, I don't think I was ready for another relationship, and this one felt 'safe'. There was no genuine commitment on his part, and my commitment was at a distance because I'd been hurt before. I definitely don't intend to enter another relationship for a long time. I just need peace.

 

I think that that is a great idea. The pandemic makes it easier, as we are trapped at home.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What I see is that you turned your emotions for the bf you broke up with towards Neil and never really healed. He used you for sex talk and you used him as an emotional crutch instead of dealing with your healing properly.

 

Basically he was an emotional rebound.

 

You were so distraught over the break up with your extremely crappy bf in November 2018, pined away for him and then instead of healing you distracted yourself with this loser an ocean away to make yourself feel better. There was no healing, no growth and no moving forward. Since Neil was thousands of miles away AND married he was a safe bet.

 

My question to you is what next? Will you simply find some new guy to distract you or will you seriously try to heal?

 

Lost

 

The pup in your pic is so sweet.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am sorry Jen, and I agree with the other posters. Yes, you got conned.

 

You said:

 

"and he was so kind and charming."

 

More accurately he seemed kind and charming. Spurious charm.

 

I think, Jen, that you really need to up your radar significantly to be able to see the difference between "what seems" and what actually is".

 

Meantime, absolute no contact with this conman. A pathological liar.

 

And this:

 

"he introduced himself as being separated."

 

Anyone can introduce themselves as anyone. Don't let anyone spin you a tale ever again. And btw separated means still married.

 

Yes you're so right. I was naive and accepted behaviour I now consider unacceptable. I definitely need to see through the personas that people present to who they really are. I can't believe I was so naive.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What I see is that you turned your emotions for the bf you broke up with towards Neil and never really healed. He used you for sex talk and you used him as an emotional crutch instead of dealing with your healing properly.

 

Basically he was an emotional rebound.

 

You were so distraught over the break up with your extremely crappy bf in November 2018, pined away for him and then instead of healing you distracted yourself with this loser an ocean away to make yourself feel better. There was no healing, no growth and no moving forward. Since Neil was thousands of miles away AND married he was a safe bet.

 

My question to you is what next? Will you simply find some new guy to distract you or will you seriously try to heal?

 

Lost

 

So perceptive, thank you! You're right. I replaced one rubbish guy for another, who told me he was a feminist and supporter of women, but actually screwed over his wife again and again. I intend to seriously heal now. I don't know what that will look like or what form it will take but that is my intention. I have no desire to find another guy anytime soon.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Online affairs 20% reality, 80% fantasy..so dangerous going down that rabbit hole. It's the dopamine racing though your brain created by each message given....it's as addicting as heroine.

 

Absolutely. I was addicted to a feeling, not a reality. What a revelation it is and brings you back to life with a thud but at least I see it for what it is now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, block this man everywhere.

 

He's been toying with you from the very beginning, and if he's cheated before, you have to consider that he may well have been sweet-talking other women online at the same time he was sweet-talking you.

 

As you've already suggested, now would be a great time to reflect on why and how you let yourself get entangled in this for this long. That way you can learn and never get involved with something like this again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So perceptive, thank you! You're right. I replaced one rubbish guy for another, who told me he was a feminist and supporter of women, but actually screwed over his wife again and again. I intend to seriously heal now. I don't know what that will look like or what form it will take but that is my intention. I have no desire to find another guy anytime soon.

 

LOL. My ex did that, too. Maybe, that is code for cheating sleaze bag!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So perceptive, thank you! You're right. I replaced one rubbish guy for another, who told me he was a feminist and supporter of women, but actually screwed over his wife again and again. I intend to seriously heal now. I don't know what that will look like or what form it will take but that is my intention. I have no desire to find another guy anytime soon.

 

The thing about healing is it almost always involves growth. Going into it blindly is not a good idea. Think about the kind of woman you want to be and the kind of life you would like to live and then start down that path. Everyone is different and everyone has strengths they would like to build on and weaknesses they want to get rid of. Do some soul searching and then start a list. Leave the list laying around where you spend a lot of time and when something pops into your head write it down. After you have some good notes sit down and really think about what you wrote and then set some goals. Once that is done a game plan is needed so you stay on track.

 

Of course all of us here will always help in what ever way we can. Instead of thinking about this as a failure, think about it as a kick in the pants you needed to make your life what you always wanted. While you are working on your emotional health now is a great time to work on your physical health as well. There are a ton of emotional benefits to working out and staying healthy so try and include that on your list.

 

Make sure you block and lose the married guys number and never communicate with him ever again.

 

Keep posting

 

Lost

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The thing about healing is it almost always involves growth. Going into it blindly is not a good idea. Think about the kind of woman you want to be and the kind of life you would like to live and then start down that path. Everyone is different and everyone has strengths they would like to build on and weaknesses they want to get rid of. Do some soul searching and then start a list. Leave the list laying around where you spend a lot of time and when something pops into your head write it down. After you have some good notes sit down and really think about what you wrote and then set some goals. Once that is done a game plan is needed so you stay on track.

 

Of course all of us here will always help in what ever way we can. Instead of thinking about this as a failure, think about it as a kick in the pants you needed to make your life what you always wanted. While you are working on your emotional health now is a great time to work on your physical health as well. There are a ton of emotional benefits to working out and staying healthy so try and include that on your list.

 

Make sure you block and lose the married guys number and never communicate with him ever again.

 

Keep posting

 

Lost

 

Thank you Lost (your username betrays your wisdom!) You're so right. During my last breakup, I made it my intention to get fit, lose weight and be consistent with diet and exercise. I've been very successful with this. My emotional health is another issue! I still seek validation from men, specifically Mr Married. Obviously this is something that will need to change, though I'm not quite sure where to begin. Definitely something to ponder xx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • Why You Should NEVER Chase Your Ex
      You should NEVER chase your ex, no matter what... even if you want to get back together. In this video, I’ll explain what exactly I mean by that… and why it’s so important if you want your ex back. Here's the simple truth: if you DO want to give yourself the best possible chance of starting over with your ex, you simply CANNOT let yourself start chasing them… it just doesn’t work, even though it’s the natural human reaction to a breakup and often feels like the right way to get them back. Even if you DON'T want your ex back, you still shouldn't let yourself chase after them. Watch the full video to find out why...

       
      • 0 replies
    • How Do You Know She’s The One? 5 Signs She’s The One & 1 Red Flag! 🚩
      How Do You Know She’s The One? 5 Signs She’s The One & 1 Red Flag! 🚩... In this dating advice video, I will explain to you how to know she’s the one and give you five signs she’s the one as well as give you one red flag that you need to look out for. You may want to know whether she’s the one on first dates, online dating, or somewhere in the dating process. Take heed to these dating tips and be sure to watch the entire video.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Odd Signs You're Seeking Approval from Others Outside of Yourself
      In this YouTube Video, Lisa A Romano discusses 5 signs that indicate you're still seeking approval from others outside of you. If you are codependent, and you struggle with self-love, you may not realize the signs you're seeking approval from others. Childhood trauma and emotional neglect lead to a sense of feeling unseen. If you feel unseen, you may seek approval in odd ways. It may not be obvious when you are looking for validation from others. In this video, Lisa A Romano breaks down these 5 signs, and what they mean; hypervigilance, neediness, low self-worth, never feeling fulfilled and what it means when you become a perpetual seeker.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 3 Simple Strategies To Ditch The Imposter Syndrome
      Have you ever felt like you're a fraud who doesn't belong? According to a recent article published in the International Journal of Behavioral Science, seven in every ten people have or will experience impostor syndrome at some point in their lives. We couldn't see our tribe suffering from this anymore, so we brought in the person who'll help you ditch this feeling for good. In this video, peak performance expert Shadé Zahrai joins Vishen to discuss how to supercharge your life and improve your self-esteem by constructing your own reality, leveraging your self-awareness, and regaining control over your inner critic

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Things People Who’ve Been Mentally Abused Do
      Do you know how common mental abuse is? According to The National Center for Biotechnology Information, 80 percent of the population has experienced some form of abusive relationship and behavior. However, despite how frequent it is, emotional abuse is still hard to spot. Unlike physical abuse, mental abuse doesn’t leave any visible scars; instead, it affects someone’s behavior, mindset, and mentality. This means some people deny they’ve been mentally abused, and others may not even recognize the toxic behavior. So, whether you’re reading this to be able to recognize emotional abuse in others or recognize it in yourself, these a few things people who’ve been mentally abused do are sure to help you be more empathetic and kinder.

       
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...