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Nobody text me / call me. What should I do?


Buzz86
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Hi,new to this forum.

Sry it's a long text I know.

 

 

When I use to have friends (Either female or male) at the first stages, we are equally interested in the discussion, maybe they are more interested than me, but after a while this is just me sending messages, they won t start a conversation until I start. I text more than them and don t use strategy in my relationships but I feel they (especially females) do. I m an over thinker, I use strategic thinking all the day but never wanted to use them in relationships because I found relationships somewhere to get out of my "logic zone" and I say it to myself if I should use strategies in relationships too, so why shouldn t I continue being alone? Right now, I m in a relationship with one of my classmates which is a female(university) and she replies late, 1-2 days later and the problem is she never texts me until I do. Should I choose the split option now? And what about other friendships(Not sure if it is a "friendship" ???!!!) I m having right now which are exactly like my relationship with the one I described above? I'm 23, I have had girlfriends older than me(29-30 y.o) and they were a lot more interested in talking with me than my classmates. Well my appearance isn't that bad to cause me to be ignored, I'm also a valedictorian in my university and I'm not talking with proud about it but I felt my classmates(females) were curious about me, but again it happens everytime, I go into relationship and I rage quit the way I described above. IDK what's wrong with me or them?

 

 

 

 

 

The energy distribution is like 95 % I give and 5 % I receive! 😕 it happens all the time.

 

If it even matters, I don't live in the US.

My question aside from seeking for help on this , is : What should I do with my relationshlts* I'm having right now.

 

I have online friends but they won't text me until I send a message, and I feel my energy and commitment is not being reciprocated.

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I don't understand what you mean by a "strategy"?

 

Just forget about the strategy one, it's a cultural thingy. Just to let you know, people here, specifically females, use strategies/tricks to attract males and after that, they invest a lot lower energy into relationships and that's why I asked if I should use strategies or not.I know that seems quite weird, but here it's going to be part of culture I guess that both males and females show less affection compared before relationships including marriage.That's why the divorce rate is skyrocketing.

Friendships between the two sex is not common and often is a failure, because there is no mutual understanding from the either gender.

 

So I think you've got the gist of my problem about the relationships with females but it's not my only question, I have explained everything above.

From strategy I mean showing the same interest as they do, meaning way less texting and calling than what currently is.

 

Let me tell you something you won't believe. Here where I live, females are like this: If you show affection and love, they fade away, but if you don't show any interest, they will follow you. I myself am shocked seeing this with my own eyes but that's the fact. Now I got here to ask if I should do such thing??!!(Doing things that make them follow me) or just stop relationships and just continue studying(Well that is definitely a difficult one, working my way toward getting an admission for MA to study abroad).

 

And the other question is about relationshlts with persons that never start the discussion and or send messages/ call. What should I do? Again the question about strategies comes to my mind whether I should show as much affection as they do?

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Can I ask where is "here", OP?

 

It all sounds most awfully convoluted! Not to say somewhat manipulative.

 

Showing interest and showing affection are two different things. At the outset (first meetings) you would show an interest in the other person, in who they are, their life and so on, you would NOT at that early stage do the "love and affection" bit. I cannot see the connection between "less affection" while starting to date and skyrocketing divorce rates. Generally divorce comes about due to incompatability, having nothing in common with the spouse, failure to work at the marriage and a host of other reasons.

 

Nothing, but nothing, can "make" someone follow you if that person doesn't want to do so. And playing games sure won't do it.

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This sounds like a lot of games. I would never attach this method to dating or friendships. Could it be that you are befriending the wrong people?

 

I agree, this does sound very manipulative, and people are probably picking up on it. Do you also come off as a bit desperate? Do you meet up with people, or simply text?

 

If people do not reciprocate contact, I move on.

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Can I ask where is "here", OP?

 

It all sounds most awfully convoluted! Not to say somewhat manipulative.

 

Showing interest and showing affection are two different things. At the outset (first meetings) you would show an interest in the other person, in who they are, their life and so on, you would NOT at that early stage do the "love and affection" bit. I cannot see the connection between "less affection" while starting to date and skyrocketing divorce rates. Generally divorce comes about due to incompatability, having nothing in common with the spouse, failure to work at the marriage and a host of other reasons.

 

Nothing, but nothing, can "make" someone follow you if that person doesn't want to do so. And playing games sure won't do it.

 

That's what I wanted to know. I ask myself why I should play such games, THEY ACTUALLY PLAY, 101% sure. The reason again lies in the culture and the society itself...

 

Well, one of the sanctioned countries...

 

I cannot see the connection between "less affection" while starting to date and skyrocketing divorce rates.

 

No, I was talking about after dating, even marriage itself. There is NO mutual understanding, boys and girls from the first years of school study in separation, in different schools up to the last years of high school.

 

And university is the first year the two genders come into connection, so I think it shouldn't be that surprising.(Even of the same genders male-male , female-female)

 

So what would you do If you were me? I afraid if I continue relationships I give up on love and the things I found most valuable .

 

 

This was my question about the relationship with the opp sex.

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Oh come off it - naming a country is not personally identifying. If you want proper advice then please do share that info where this culture supposedly exists.

 

Otherwise you just sound like you are cerebral, but socially clueless and becoming bitter as you can't figure out how to socialize properly and perceive games more than they really exist. Sure, people play games like you describe everywhere, but that's more of an individual thing not an overall pervasive culture.

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I agree with what DancingFool says.

 

And no, you will not be identifying yourself by saying what country (and if you don't want to do that then at least say what Continent!).You gave me a bit of a clue with "sanctioned" so I'll chance a country beginning with letter "I".

 

Anyhow, I am still puzzled. Why would anyone marry someone with whom they have no Understanding?! Or some common or shared interests, or common goal. It is generally expected and love/affection/respect/kindness are to be found within a marriage.

 

Also puzzled about this remark:

 

"I afraid if I continue relationships I give up on love and the things I found most valuable .

"

 

Again, don't play games, doesn't matter where you are. Meet in a group, be friendly, keep it light, and give it time.

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Oh come off it - naming a country is not personally identifying. If you want proper advice then please do share that info where this culture supposedly exists.

 

Otherwise you just sound like you are cerebral, but socially clueless and becoming bitter as you can't figure out how to socialize properly and perceive games more than they really exist. Sure, people play games like you describe everywhere, but that's more of an individual thing not an overall pervasive culture.

 

Well, Iran :stung:

 

The problem is I have never accustomed to things people do here, my friends were mostly online from another countries, since I know how this country is, I tried to invest less energy finding real friends here where I live. So I'm not quite familiar with the way they play games and I SHOULDN'T know either because I don't want to spend my time playing those games and especially with females, I found their emotions to be more valuable than playing games and the fact that they WILL anyway play games to attract, so I had to quit the game 5 years prior and focus on my studying in hopes of getting an admission, so I will be able to make connections with people thinking like me, with less cultural gaps.

I was isolated for 5 years but continued my online friendships, "BUT after a terrible dating(my first dating in where I live) , I lost confidence for a while and became too obsessed about the reciprocation thing that affected all my online friendships that I made over years and eventually I become alone.

THIS is why I started this topic, believe or not I tried many times but it was all failure because of the mental pressures and society barriers for the females here(they are living a tough life)

So my question was if I should stop making friendships out of internet and see in person here where I live? That will be a failure again and will affect my confidence, but I feel lonely. Just take this into consideration that the economic crisis here has made people behave like zombies, because the very basic needs are not satisfied and that is affecting relationships as well.

So that has become a game and I'm reluctant if I ever should enter this game?

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I agree with what DancingFool says.

 

And no, you will not be identifying yourself by saying what country (and if you don't want to do that then at least say what Continent!).You gave me a bit of a clue with "sanctioned" so I'll chance a country beginning with letter "I".

 

Anyhow, I am still puzzled. Why would anyone marry someone with whom they have no Understanding?! Or some common or shared interests, or common goal. It is generally expected and love/affection/respect/kindness are to be found within a marriage.

 

Also puzzled about this remark:

 

"I afraid if I continue relationships I give up on love and the things I found most valuable .

"

 

Again, don't play games, doesn't matter where you are. Meet in a group, be friendly, keep it light, and give it time.

 

Well, I don't know! Knowing why was the reason I fell into PTSD for 2 years!

It's like Battlefield5 lol. The reason for such things is like "Living in a jungle and nobody sees you, you should try to survive, first stay alive and then IF you could, then you can move on to relationships and other priorities.

That's what I found out in 2 years of obsessive thinking about whys.

And that's the main reason why marriages here do not look the real ones because of the economical pressures,"first it is me;my needs, then yours spouse!" and that's the source of everything.

I hope you got an answer for your curiosity

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What?! I have been to Iran and your people are some of the friendliest and kindest I have ever met. I also have several Iranian friends in the US-seeing one of them tomorrow-and I have never experienced anything like this. My Persian friends did not have this problem in their home country.

 

I think that this is your approach to friendships, due to living through the internet. Time to get out.

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Unless you have a realistic way to leave your country soon, then it would be healthier and better for you to actually figure out how to live and be happy and fit in where you are. Relying on the internet while avoiding real life isn't doing you any good and it explains why you are so confused with real life interactions.

 

Forget women for now. Learn how to be friends with other guys your age in real life. Learn how to from bonds and friendships in real life. Figure out who and what types of people you actually enjoy being around and who enjoy being around you. That itself is a journey. Not everyone is your cup of tea and you aren't theirs and that's ok. Join whatever hobbies, clubs, things at uni where you can meet more like minded people and stop living in isolation. Social skills are learned and no, it's not about games. If want to be genuine, then be genuine.

 

As for the "games" you are describing, honestly, you'll find that all over the world. It's very much human nature - the hot/cold, chase/run behaviors. Also, quite immature and most grow out of it in their 20's. It's also an individual kind of a thing. Some people lie, some people pretend, some people play games, some people are genuine, some are caring, etc., etc, etc. Still goes back to putting yourself out there and learning where your kind of people are and how to find/identify/befriend them. It also means learning how to let go of hurts and taking lessons for what they are - just a lesson. If you befriend a thief and they steal from you, you don't carry bitter baggage and project blame to all men, you simply learn what a thief looks like and learn how to avoid them going forward.

 

One thing I've learned while traveling is that humanity is fundamentally the same the world over. Culture plays a small part when it comes to individual people.

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What?! I have been to Iran and your people are some of the friendliest and kindest I have ever met. I also have several Iranian friends in the US-seeing one of them tomorrow-and I have never experienced anything like this. My Persian friends did not have this problem in their home country.

 

I think that this is your approach to friendships.

 

Yes, Iranian people are one of the kindest people to the foreign people NOT to the people from their country's.

 

Yes, believe it or not, I've seen people here where I live, smiling to the foreigners and insulting to the people from their own country(Happened countless times). That's why I was ashamed of even mentioning the country's name. Since very few people can move abroad, it has become a dream, so talking to foreigners is like making a dream come true, and since Iranians are jailed inside their country, they put a lot of effort into welcoming foreigners. Yeah you are partially right but not fully, there are lots of things going underneath but not visible from outside of the country, but again not visible to the eyes doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I feel I'm living in battlefield 5 and people here they do as well.

 

I personally wanted to take your assumption as an advice or something to think about to reform my way of thinking but after talking to many psychologists here, I made sure it is not me, it is what happening everywhere in here, and that's not my personal approach.

 

I think I went way too off-topic. So as final question, what would you do if you were me (while considering I'm living in such place with such difficulties) ? I feel alone , isolated, but again I have my own goals that none of them include staying here and blending in this society.(I guess you would not want me to play games would you?)

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I fully agree Holly:

I think that this is your approach to friendships, due to living through the internet. Time to get out.

 

And again I second everything DancingFool says. Humanity is very much the same basically no matter where you are.

 

Very important to be genuine, regardless of where in the world you are.

 

I expect you are very young if you are starting at university, and so are the girls.

 

So, if your goal is to eventually get out of your country then the best advice is to concentrate on your studies and exams.

 

And no, do NOT play games, at any age. It's a futile pursuit.

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.....Yes rolling out the red welcome carpet to guests while being at each others throats when it comes to own kind, again a humanity issue. Like show me one country where that doesn't hold true.

 

OP, you are talking in very broad generalities and using that as an excuse not to learn how to be social and form real life friendships. That's kind of absurd on your part. Countries, cultures are made up of individual people and everywhere there are all kinds of people - good, bad, etc. You need to get out of your head, get away from generalities and excuses and actually start treating people you meet as individuals that they are - not generalizations.

 

It's impossible to form relationships with generalizations, it's very rewarding to form relationships with individual people. But first you have to open your mind to that and open up to actually learning who the person in front of you is - not an ideal, not a generalization, but just the human being complete with flaws, interests, curiosities, good sides and bad, etc.

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Yes, Iranian people are one of the kindest people to the foreign people NOT to the people from their country's.

 

Yes, believe it or not, I've seen people here where I live, smiling to the foreigners and insulting to the people from their own country(Happened countless times). That's why I was ashamed of even mentioning the country's name. Since very few people can move abroad, it has become a dream, so talking to foreigners is like making a dream come true, and since Iranians are jailed inside their country, they put a lot of effort into welcoming foreigners. Yeah you are partially right but not fully, there are lots of things going underneath but not visible from outside of the country, but again not visible to the eyes doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I feel I'm living in battlefield 5 and people here they do as well.

 

I personally wanted to take your assumption as an advice or something to think about to reform my way of thinking but after talking to many psychologists here, I made sure it is not me, it is what happening everywhere in here, and that's not my personal approach.

 

I think I went way too off-topic. So as final question, what would you do if you were me (while considering I'm living in such place with such difficulties) ? I feel alone , isolated, but again I have my own goals that none of them include staying here and blending in this society.(I guess you would not want me to play games would you?)

 

I am very aware of the human rights issues associated with your country from my involvement with Amnesty International, and friends. The sanctions from my country do not help the situation, either.

 

I do think that you need to change your attitude, as I think that that is a big part of the problem. Like I mentioned, my other Persian friends have never mentioned these issues, and keep in touch with their friends. How do you interact with others? Are you negative in conversations?

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Unless you have a realistic way to leave your country soon, then it would be healthier and better for you to actually figure out how to live and be happy and fit in where you are. Relying on the internet while avoiding real life isn't doing you any good and it explains why you are so confused with real life interactions.

 

Forget women for now. Learn how to be friends with other guys your age in real life. Learn how to from bonds and friendships in real life. Figure out who and what types of people you actually enjoy being around and who enjoy being around you. That itself is a journey. Not everyone is your cup of tea and you aren't theirs and that's ok. Join whatever hobbies, clubs, things at uni where you can meet more like minded people and stop living in isolation. Social skills are learned and no, it's not about games. If want to be genuine, then be genuine.

 

As for the "games" you are describing, honestly, you'll find that all over the world. It's very much human nature - the hot/cold, chase/run behaviors. Also, quite immature and most grow out of it in their 20's. It's also an individual kind of a thing. Some people lie, some people pretend, some people play games, some people are genuine, some are caring, etc., etc, etc. Still goes back to putting yourself out there and learning where your kind of people are and how to find/identify/befriend them. It also means learning how to let go of hurts and taking lessons for what they are - just a lesson. If you befriend a thief and they steal from you, you don't carry bitter baggage and project blame to all men, you simply learn what a thief looks like and learn how to avoid them going forward.

 

One thing I've learned while traveling is that humanity is fundamentally the same the world over. Culture plays a small part when it comes to individual people.

 

Thanks, yeah , exactly it is. I will take your advice and take a screenshot of it and just think, because it is a relief and I'm always obsessed whether it is me something going wrong or it is them? I'm not talking about fully isolating, but I tried to fill my time with valuable connections like my professors and a handful of friends(and about these friends, didn't went good cause again, we were not on the same wavelength, but kept my connection with my professors, my professors are my best friends but as you know you can't have intimacy with the professors right? But anyway somehow satisfactory)

 

I did my best to never bear a grudge because of my failures in relationships here but again the lack of confidence and validation and worse than that the nihilism thingy made it complicated and too difficult for me. I wanted to have the compassion I needed from the OPP sex but cannot deal with the current situation. I think you know what I mean, I'm into nihilism as well and need the compassion and the mental caring but it is all neglected for now.

 

Just a question here, so what and how should I think about the women in here? I always counted them as my best friends and supportive but as I move along , I find it contrary to what I was thinking. How to deal with it

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You say you are into nihilism.

 

 

Definition of nihilism:

 

"the rejection of all religious and moral principles, in the belief that life is meaningless."

 

and

 

"Nihilism is the belief that all values are baseless and that nothing can be known or communicated. It is often associated with extreme pessimism and a radical skepticism that condemns existence. A true nihilist would believe in nothing, have no loyalties,"

 

You say:

 

"I'm into nihilism as well and need the compassion and the mental caring"

 

How about your family, your siblings, relatives?

 

I doubt if hihilism could ever be described as fun" or "enjoyful". L.

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I am very aware of the human rights issues associated with your country from my involvement with Amnesty International, and friends. The sanctions from my country do not help the situation, either.

 

I do think that you need to change your attitude, as I think that that is a big part of the problem. Like I mentioned, my other Persian friends have never mentioned these issues, and keep in touch with their friends. How do you interact with others? Are you negative?

 

Nah, I'm quite positive person and the friends I had were calling me fun, charming,supportive and enjoyful to be around but I quite lost hope in this country and its people. I have had manyyy friends from many countries BUT I personally I dislike this country's culture and specifically itself. The problems in my relationships started when I had my relationships here failed. Toxic relationships.This is not just me. I had a psychologist friend and she told me it is not me, the clinic she was working at was full of people having relationships problems way more than what it could be called "normal". Again, smiling at you doesn't mean it's all going good. I'm not going to judge and take as whole but people mostly here are ostentatious and showy. They smile but it doesn't necessarily mean they are feeling kind of great.

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You say you are into nihilism.

 

 

Definition of nihilism:

 

"the rejection of all religious and moral principles, in the belief that life is meaningless."

 

and

 

"Nihilism is the belief that all values are baseless and that nothing can be known or communicated. It is often associated with extreme pessimism and a radical skepticism that condemns existence. A true nihilist would believe in nothing, have no loyalties,"

 

You say:

 

"I'm into nihilism as well and need the compassion and the mental caring"

 

How about your family, your siblings, relatives?

 

Well, they are muslim but not the radical ones, I can talk my own ideas and beliefs and we have the freedom in my family and siblings and my sister is supportive (luckily). I have talked with her about all the problems I have wrote in this forum and she told me :

"You know how the situation is, so try to do your best and get an admission, we will help." and about the relationships my sister said : "Why don't you think of having friends? It's something crucial. but again after thinking about what you say, I do agree with you that you are making the best decision to stay away from these people. Just keep on trying"

 

The problem is I myself need the validation (not from the online ones but in person validation) and need something to move me forward and the emotions do this for me but the source of emotions is women and DancingFool told me to forget about women.

So how am I gonna deal with it? I need that caring to get out of nihilism and find something meaningful, at least for the sake of my future.Nihilism for me is something like lack of intense emotions. I quite recently procrastinate a lot because of this problem and wanted to have relationships with the OPP sex in hopes of finding an appropriate meaning since they could help me in that way.

 

So question is how I can find a way to overcome nihilism without the help of women?

Sorry, it has already been a long topic, but bear with me, I want to find a solution for a few things and get everything sorted out.

 

I doubt if hihilism could ever be described as fun" or "enjoyful". L

 

 

 

EDIT:

 

You are right, that's the initial steps in relationships, once they know the "exact me" and how I'm into it, they just fade away.

 

Wait!

Can be this the reason why the partners fade away after the initial steps in relationships?

 

 

I mean at first I look like positive, they laugh, they smile, they enjoy, but the more go in depth to know me, the more the try to fade away because of my nihilistic approach, because it is dark, void, meaningless, unsupportive, lack of intense emotions and ....

 

 

Yeah this has to be the case why my relationships don't go well (other than the reasons having roots in society around me)

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Nah, I'm quite positive person and the friends I had were calling me fun, charming,supportive and enjoyful to be around but I quite lost hope in this country and its people. I have had manyyy friends from many countries BUT I personally I dislike this country's culture and specifically itself. The problems in my relationships started when I had my relationships here failed. Toxic relationships.This is not just me. I had a psychologist friend and she told me it is not me, the clinic she was working at was full of people having relationships problems way more than what it could be called "normal". Again, smiling at you doesn't mean it's all going good. I'm not going to judge and take as whole but people mostly here are ostentatious and showy. They smile but it doesn't necessarily mean they are feeling kind of great.

 

If this is the case, then it is the people that you are attracted to. You are the common denominator.

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When I said forget women, I meant for now. Temporarily. The idea being that when you need practice forming connections, it's easier to connect with your own gender first - to find those who have interests, thoughts, beliefs in common. Once you are comfortable and successful with that, you can then connect with women as well. Women, all in all, aren't really that different from men. Same thing applies - don't get lost in generalizations, look at the individual in front of you. Do you match, do you connect, do you have things in common, is it mutual? Nothing ventured, nothing gained. You have to be willing to put yourself out there and take some lumps along the way and brush them off.

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Not quite!

 

"Nihilism for me is something like lack of intense emotions".

 

But anyway.

 

You can't expect women (anywhere) or indeed anyone to haul you out of your existential angst. It is not their job to be your therapist(s). Nor is their job to provide you with validation.

 

Your best friend is yourself, and it is up to you to NOT depend on anyone for your emotional well-being.

 

Try not to ruminate and over-think so much. It will get you down!

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When I said forget women, I meant for now. Temporarily. The idea being that when you need practice forming connections, it's easier to connect with your own gender first - to find those who have interests, thoughts, beliefs in common. Once you are comfortable and successful with that, you can then connect with women as well. Women, all in all, aren't really that different from men. Same thing applies - don't get lost in generalizations, look at the individual in front of you. Do you match, do you connect, do you have things in common, is it mutual? Nothing ventured, nothing gained. You have to be willing to put yourself out there and take some lumps along the way and brush them off.

 

Yeah I got your point. I think I should press the "reset button" once for a while. For me making connections is fairly easy but I'm so strict with the question who, as last question, how would it be if I postpone any attempt to make friends until when I enter another country? I afraid if I make another mistake I won't be able to focus on important things that affects my future. I have already stepped in but didn't get the outcome I was expecting.

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