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Drunk Wife


Bigchief
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My wife and I have had twins, great! They are a joy and almost a year.

We brought them home to London two weeks ago to meet the grandparents (all covid tested etc).

She didn't drink or smoke during the pregnancy at all, I was very proud. Now she is drinking at least 2-3 bottles of wine every evening. Its a nightmare she changes into a compete B**** and is very insulting. Previously her mother had mentioned that perhaps she was drinking to much and the agreed a few glasses (two) a night should be the max.

Back in London she got drunk and had a massive fight with her mum and stormed off with the twins. Then the next day her Dad tried to intervene and she flipped out at him too, it ruined the entire trip. Massive family row. She then had big row with me because I "didn't have her back" and everyone is ganging up against her, but I agree with the parents completely.

 

After London we returned home (abroad) and I have stopped drinking completely for a few days (doing a dry September at least).

I cant get through to her at all she was so insulting to me tonight after coming home from dinner with a friend (drunk). "She hates me we have nothing but the twins to show for our marriage etc", I just said go to bed and we would talk in the morning, but tomorrow she will be hungover and cranky, I go to work and when I get home in the evening she is on it again. We are very lucky in that we have a brilliant Nanny that lives with us. My wife is devoted to her kids and is brilliant during the day (until 1800), as am I and the Nanny. This should be the happiest time of our lives as they are growing so quickly. Also everytime we go out socially she gets smashed and is highly embarrassing, I had to bring her home forcefully a few times from events, a work event was especially embarrassing. Its become an ongoing joke I try to play down as I dont want to embarrass her.

 

I cant handle this anymore myself, she wont listen to me or any friends or relatives to change. She has gone from drinking zero to 3 bottles of wine a night since Jan 2020 also smoking life a fish. I am afraid she will kill herself or even worse fall with a baby in hand, if there was an emergency at night she would not be able to function. They are getting heavier and mobile.

 

Shes threatening divorce when shes hammered, I am there really what do you plan to do exactly when that happens? No Nanny, No house and back to London to live with your mum is the reality. I am really worried she will drive off with some day in a rage. I think she is losing her mind to be honest. The Nanny wouldn't let her

 

We had tried Zoom counselling but the next available one is next week that a long time and another 20 bottles of wine and seven painful evenings for me, I am so glad when she finally conks outs, its like thank god that over- its like domestic abuse. For the first time in my life I almost felt like hitting her shes so obnoxious and digressive (I never would or have). I make all the money and pay for everything (including the wine) my job is also really hard and stressful right now. My colleague told me today mate you look absolutely exhausted. I am! I'm on antidepressants over it, otherwise I cant sleep.

 

Should I get her parents to fly in? This is going to get really nasty, I know it.

I love her, well the old her or when she is sober she is so thoughtful and kind. I think shes going mad-Covid didn't help.

 

Please any advice? thank you

 

PS I just texted her saying I am not talking to you until you apologize for last night. She will have no recollection and will say oh your exaggerating, what about the time you came home late hammered (plenty of examples of that) but that part of my job.

But I am not talking to her until she apologizing. We have dinner tomorrow night she can go by herself.

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She has a problem and it's not going to get better until she faces it. Above all else, I worry for the children. As someone who had an alcoholic parent, I know how hard it is to grow up with someone like that. The ugly fights, yelling, not having someone around because they choose to go drink. At least in my case he would mostly just pass out and sleep it off. Your situation sounds a lot worse. You need to get her to confront the issue as it's not healthy for any of you to deal with this. Get rid of the alcohol you have, it's not safe to have it around. But be prepared for her to fight any help. You can't change people or help them if they are not ready and willing to change themselves.

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Getting hammered, even once a week, is not a pattern that is compatible with raising children in a healthy manner. Luckily, it sounds like you are realizing that yet your wife is in denial. It also sounds like she is very unhappy and trying to escape from reality through drinking and smoking. How old are you two? Did she use to drink and smoke so much prior to her pregnancy? Is she happy about being a new mom? Could it be that she suffers from some kind of masked postpartum depression? Imo, you need to consult with a health professional who specializes in mental health.

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This is a hazard to your kids. For the love of god, keep her away from them. What happens if she gets in the car with them.

 

She needs to stop drinking. I agree with Clio re. post partum, unless she drank like this prior to pregnancy. How old are you?

 

Reading your history, this has been going on a long time. What made you think it would be a good idea bring kids into this environment? You both need treatment for alcoholism.

Edited by Hollyj
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Clio is right....I will put money on it it's Postpartum Depression. Depression and Alcoholism go hand in hand. Postpartum Depression is not just any kind of depression, it's excessive behavior change....few cases of women murdering their children, or committing suicide. IMO when she's so smashed and abusive to a dangerous level, get her committed.

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3 bottles is a lot of wine for anyone to consume. That is binge drinking!

 

What were her habits before she was pregnant? Is this new behavior?

 

I am the child of two alcoholics and I can tell you it will affect the children even now at this very young age and for the rest of their lives. This is serious.

 

Many drunks say and do things they do not remember or do not want to remember or believe. Sometimes recording their abusiveness and playing it back to them when they are sober helps them see the way they are acting.

 

In the end she will not stop unless she wants to stop.

 

I think your first call should be to her doctor letting him know what is going on so he can help. I am sure she has a post delivery check up coming up so that would be a great time for them to get involved. A referral to a therapist, new mommy support group. postpartum counseling or something that could help her begin to resolve this in a healthy way instead of getting drunk every night.

 

This isn't something you can manage by hiding the wine or trying to keep her from drinking, it needs to be solved by her with your support.

 

In the end if she does not want to save herself you will not be able to stop her. Divorce is the last option so ignore her threats until you have run out of the energy to keep trying and need to save yourself and the children from her.

 

Knowing when to give up is the hard part...

 

Keep posting

 

Lost

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Thanks for all your advice. I'm so sad and worried about it. I saw a counsellor today and we have a joint session planned on Saturday.

As I said I have stopped drinking completely. I need my wife back!

 

I guess I misunderstood "I have stopped drinking completely now until this is resolved" This did not sound permanent. Please seek help.

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I hope you are going to or seeking help through AA. I doubt very highly the meetings have stopped....contact them and see. You will find a lot of help and resources through this agency to cope with your situation. It's for anyone, and the meetings run 24/7. Do it for her, yourself, and your children. IMO your children, when they get old enough will have knowledge of this....stop it before that happens. I come from a family of alcoholics...you just can't stop drinking, and think you can handle drinking again....that's A #1 - all out DENIAL. And yes alcoholism can be passed onto your children, they are vulnerable....better start now working on having a alcohol free life.

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Given that everyone in your family and hers seems to be on board, I would consider seeking out interventionists in your area to start the intervention process so you can get her some help.

 

If you don't, there is indeed a chance she might end up causing harm to herself, her children, or both as a result of her drinking.

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