asexual partner

[Sand12]

It probably the language barrier, but you can't diagnose someone as "asexual", just because she's inexperienced and not enjoying sex with you.

 

It may be, I may have stepped too much calling her asexual.

[Sand12]

“ I mean, I can't be that bad, if my previous ex used to beg me for sex? ”

 

 

Your ex might have begged for sex to create a more emotional bond and feel wanted by you. Because she felt unwanted .

Often it has nothing to do with sex itself.

If your previous partner had to beg you for sex , what was wrong with the relationship that it wasn’t happening naturally?

 

And again it’s not happening naturally but role reversed?

 

I don’t think that makes you asexual. Does it?

Yet you are labelling this person as asexual? Why?

 

My best guess is that on paper you make a good partner but in practice she just is not attracted to you?

She is trying to succumb to the married, children, house with picket fence ,etc, but at the end of the day she is just not that into you!?

 

Is this a cultural thing? Like within your culture marriages are often arranged?

 

As I said for previous replies, I may have stepped it on too much for calling her asexual, I'm just comfused, but it's not an excuse to call her like that.

Well she usually says that im atractive af, handsome, big muscles and stuff, soooo idk?

I think she is into me, as I said previously, she would tell me straight up if I'm , and doesn't want me.

[Sand12]

Yes. "Asexual" is a label you are slapping on her because you too eager to satisfy yourself to wait until she is comfortable, aroused, wet, etc.

 

You haven't even tried oral or tried to pleasure her in any way.🤔

 

So it's unfair and incorrect to label someone " asexual" when so far it's been slam bam.

 

yea, I just noticed how actually douche I am. She shouldn't be called asexual, I got frustrated, it may is my biggest nightmare, I don't know, but definitely not an excuse to call her like that.

[lostandhurt]

In a loving relationship there is more to it than just penetration. What you are missing and will come to resent her for missing is intimacy.

 

There are certain parts of true intimacy that bring a couple closer together. Allowing yourself to be that vulnerable and totally let go and give of yourself completely is a huge part of all of this. From holding hands all the way to physical sex and everything in-between is a part of the physical side but the emotional side is just as important.

 

So if everything is perfect except she is having sex with you out of duty then you need to completely stop initiating sex so she can be who she is and you will stop feeling like you are using her.

 

I will say that you kind of sound like you hope to "fix her" by helping her though this. She isn't broken unless she thinks she is broken and it isn't your place to try and change her into something she is not.

 

You sound like a good guy that loves her deeply but sometimes people are not compatible and eventually no matter how hard the couple tries to stay together that one important thing ends up being the demise of the relationship.

 

If you want to be with her accept her as she is and accept that you will never have sex again. I don't see it happening because she is asexual and you are not and that is to high of a hurdle to clear in the long run. Resentment will set in sooner or later...

 

The best thing you can do is have an open and brutally honest discussion with her about all this. The sooner the better

 

Lost

[reinventmyself]

I think we often pick our next partner with attributes that were lacking in the previous one.

From what you describe the focus of your last relationship was sex, but she lacked romantic feelings for you. It's possible you felt a little used in that relationship.

Now you've flung too far the other way choosing a loving girlfriend who doesnt appear to be interested in sex.

Though she healed that wound you must have had from not feeling loved, you now don't feel sexually desired.

Consider the fact that neither one of these women are right for you. The first years are typically the best, when couples are trying their best. If this is her best, are you willing to live with things as the dial down into a routine?

Yes, you can try new things but it takes the willingness and commitment of both parties to make things work. She doesnt seem interested.

[lostandhurt]

Couldn't rep you reinventmyself but that is genius, you nailed it!!!

 

Lost

[Andrina]

Many women have better luck climaxing due to oral versus penetration. If you've penetrated, how is oral any more of a hurdle? Still going at a snail's pace after a year and a half? As fast as time flies, you'll find yourself 3 years from now still in frustration.

 

Ask her if you can do oral on her. Don't stop until she climaxes, even if you have to take breaks. If she still can't climax, ask her if she's willing to see a doctor to rule out hormonal imbalance. You could also ask her to see a sex therapist with you. If all of that results in no change, then you can no longer hope for change.

 

She's not the only attractive woman with a great personality on the planet. If you will be forever frustrated sexually, you are settling. You have one life to live and there are no do-overs.

[reinventmyself]

Well, that made my day. Thx L :)

[Sand12]

In a loving relationship there is more to it than just penetration. What you are missing and will come to resent her for missing is intimacy.

 

There are certain parts of true intimacy that bring a couple closer together. Allowing yourself to be that vulnerable and totally let go and give of yourself completely is a huge part of all of this. From holding hands all the way to physical sex and everything in-between is a part of the physical side but the emotional side is just as important.

 

So if everything is perfect except she is having sex with you out of duty then you need to completely stop initiating sex so she can be who she is and you will stop feeling like you are using her.

 

I will say that you kind of sound like you hope to "fix her" by helping her though this. She isn't broken unless she thinks she is broken and it isn't your place to try and change her into something she is not.

 

You sound like a good guy that loves her deeply but sometimes people are not compatible and eventually no matter how hard the couple tries to stay together that one important thing ends up being the demise of the relationship.

 

If you want to be with her accept her as she is and accept that you will never have sex again. I don't see it happening because she is asexual and you are not and that is to high of a hurdle to clear in the long run. Resentment will set in sooner or later...

 

The best thing you can do is have an open and brutally honest discussion with her about all this. The sooner the better

 

Lost

 

Thank you for your time and long reply, I'm just going to wait for her, still we're young, nor expierenced, everything is just ahead.

[Wiseman2]

The most important thing to remember is it's not your job to fix or diagnose her. She's not a car you tell to go to the shop for a tune up. She's not a run down old model that needs diagnostic testing because the engine light is on. She's an inexperienced virgin and somehow it's just not working for her with you or you with her.

 

You could try to learn some more preferences and try a few more gentle ways of pleasing her, but it's been a long time and still she's not enjoying being with you.

 

Also make sure to get your ego out of the way and assume your the world's greatest lover and therefore she's broken because she doesn't respond to you. Also stop making the goal climaxing for a while that adds pressure particularly if that's also to feed your ego.

 

She may be a wildcat with the next guy who just gels with her better, who knows. Sexual incompatibility happens at any stage in life and unfortunately in otherwise good relationships.

[Sand12]

I think we often pick our next partner with attributes that were lacking in the previous one.

From what you describe the focus of your last relationship was sex, but she lacked romantic feelings for you. It's possible you felt a little used in that relationship.

Now you've flung too far the other way choosing a loving girlfriend who doesnt appear to be interested in sex.

Though she healed that wound you must have had from not feeling loved, you now don't feel sexually desired.

Consider the fact that neither one of these women are right for you. The first years are typically the best, when couples are trying their best. If this is her best, are you willing to live with things as the dial down into a routine?

Yes, you can try new things but it takes the willingness and commitment of both parties to make things work. She doesnt seem interested.

 

You could be psychologist ... yes I felt in previous relationship not being loved back as I loved her, didn't get back what I've gave her. I'm a guy with commiment, I'm not going look for other women, I'm just going to try my best, being best for her, maybe it's my foult, maybe I'm pushing her too much, maybe she isin't ready for sexual things, I should wait, and I'm going to wait for her, if nothing happens, it's fine, if she is going to want a future with me, kids, house that's really fine by me. Thank you for your reply.

[Sand12]

Many women have better luck climaxing due to oral versus penetration. If you've penetrated, how is oral any more of a hurdle? Still going at a snail's pace after a year and a half? As fast as time flies, you'll find yourself 3 years from now still in frustration.

 

Ask her if you can do oral on her. Don't stop until she climaxes, even if you have to take breaks. If she still can't climax, ask her if she's willing to see a doctor to rule out hormonal imbalance. You could also ask her to see a sex therapist with you. If all of that results in no change, then you can no longer hope for change.

 

She's not the only attractive woman with a great personality on the planet. If you will be forever frustrated sexually, you are settling. You have one life to live and there are no do-overs.

 

 

One of the I'm going to try with her is oral, ofcourse when the time will come, when she is going to be in the mood, right time, right place. Thank you for your reply.

[Sand12]

The most important thing to remember is it's not your job to fix or diagnose her. She's not a car you tell to go to the shop for a tune up. She's not a run down old model that needs diagnostic testing because the engine light is on. She's an inexperienced virgin and somehow it's just not working for her with you or you with her.

 

You could try to learn some more preferences and try a few more gentle ways of pleasing her, but it's been a long time and still she's not enjoying being with you.

 

Also make sure to get your ego out of the way and assume your the world's greatest lover and therefore she's broken because she doesn't respond to you. Also stop making the goal climaxing for a while that adds pressure particularly if that's also to feed your ego.

 

She may be a wildcat with the next guy who just gels with her better, who knows. Sexual incompatibility happens at any stage in life and unfortunately in otherwise good relationships.

 

 

Thank you for your reply, that really was good for thinking, thinking out about everything, thanks again.

[Hollyj]

“ I mean, I can't be that bad, if my previous ex used to beg me for sex? ”

 

 

Your ex might have begged for sex to create a more emotional bond and feel wanted by you. Because she felt unwanted .

Often it has nothing to do with sex itself.

If your previous partner had to beg you for sex , what was wrong with the relationship that it wasn’t happening naturally?

 

And again it’s not happening naturally but role reversed?

 

I don’t think that makes you asexual. Does it?

Yet you are labelling this person as asexual? Why?

 

My best guess is that on paper you make a good partner but in practice she just is not attracted to you?

She is trying to succumb to the married, children, house with picket fence ,etc, but at the end of the day she is just not that into you!?

 

Is this a cultural thing? Like within your culture marriages are often arranged?

 

I had a friend who was asexual. It seems that 1% of the population is.

[Hollyj]

It may be, I may have stepped too much calling her asexual.

 

Why didn't you do oral? I am wondering how much stimulation you are giving her before penetration?

[bluecastle]

I can't help but feel that you might be taking something very simple—a relationship with someone with whom you are not sexually compatible—and making it very complex.

 

Reinvent did a brilliant job at shining a light on the possible motivations behind that, but the bottom line is that you're coming up on 2 years together. That's a lot of information in terms of what works, what doesn't. Maybe there are exceptions to this, but in my own experience and observation I've yet to meet someone, or a couple, who described the first two years as being sexually awkward or unfulfilling before "unlocking" some mystery that led to fireworks between the sheets.

 

I know it's hard to consider, as your feelings run deep and you've got a lot of hope invested in this, but if your ideal partner is someone who is caring and loving and on the same page as you sexually—well, this does not sound like that. So rather than focus on what could be, and on what you could do to will that fantasy into reality, I'd really focus on what is and whether that can genuinely be enough for you.

 

Big picture thought? I think it's pretty common that our earliest relationships (teens, early 20s) are fueled primarily by sexual chemistry, as it's new and potent and feels like an epiphany, the pinnacle of adulthood. Those relationships often teach us that, lovely as sex is, there is much more required for a sustained emotional connection. Another epiphany. Key is to not let the new information (sex isn't everything!) erase the older information (sex is awesome!) so that your understanding of compatibility is always broadening rather than bouncing from one extreme to another.

[maew]

Maybe she isn't into sex with men.... Are you sure she is heterosexual OP?

[Sand12]

Why didn't you do oral? I am wondering how much stimulation you are giving her before penetration?

 

Basically usually from, atleast it used to be - kisses, fingering or from massages

[Sand12]

I can't help but feel that you might be taking something very simple—a relationship with someone with whom you are not sexually compatible—and making it very complex.

 

Reinvent did a brilliant job at shining a light on the possible motivations behind that, but the bottom line is that you're coming up on 2 years together. That's a lot of information in terms of what works, what doesn't. Maybe there are exceptions to this, but in my own experience and observation I've yet to meet someone, or a couple, who described the first two years as being sexually awkward or unfulfilling before "unlocking" some mystery that led to fireworks between the sheets.

 

I know it's hard to consider, as your feelings run deep and you've got a lot of hope invested in this, but if your ideal partner is someone who is caring and loving and on the same page as you sexually—well, this does not sound like that. So rather than focus on what could be, and on what you could do to will that fantasy into reality, I'd really focus on what is and whether that can genuinely be enough for you.

 

Big picture thought? I think it's pretty common that our earliest relationships (teens, early 20s) are fueled primarily by sexual chemistry, as it's new and potent and feels like an epiphany, the pinnacle of adulthood. Those relationships often teach us that, lovely as sex is, there is much more required for a sustained emotional connection. Another epiphany. Key is to not let the new information (sex isn't everything!) erase the older information (sex is awesome!) so that your understanding of compatibility is always broadening rather than bouncing from one extreme to another.

 

thank you for your reply, I'm going to keep that in mind, thank you again!

[Sand12]

Maybe she isn't into sex with men.... Are you sure she is heterosexual OP?

 

yes, she is into men, I'm really sure.

[DancingFool]

Healthy relationships are like a tripod - you need the physical, emotional, and intellectual connection. If any one of these is missing, the relationship will eventually fall down so to speak as a tripod cannot stand with any of the legs missing.

 

So far you have experience where you had one leg of the tripod - the sexual connection, but the other two were missing. Now you have two legs, but the sexual part is missing. These are all incompatibilities with a person you are with. Ultimately, a deep connection without sex is called a friend. You may love your friend dearly, but you can't really built a romantic life on just that.

 

Compatibility in the bedroom and emotional connection, love, caring - these are not mutually exclusive qualities. Long lasting healthy relationship have all the ingredients not a just a few. However, when you settle for less than that or swing between one extreme and another, that will get you exactly to where you are now - confused, frustrated, and not actually happy if you are willing to be completely honest with yourself.

 

A large part of maturity and growing up is also learning how to recognize and let go of someone who is not really right for you, even if they are right in many ways or right on paper. You learn to build your life on what is, rather than on romantic dreams of what could be if only I could make/fix/tweak this one or two things about this person and mold them into being what I need. You can't fix other people. They are not a broken down car.

[Wiseman2]

Sometimes foreplay for women is sitting on the sofa watching a movie she likes/picks out sitting through it with your arm around her. Or doing what she wants to do for the day shopping, lunch, talking, whatever, While the down to business stuff matters, women often need more romance to warm up.

[Sand12]

Healthy relationships are like a tripod - you need the physical, emotional, and intellectual connection. If any one of these is missing, the relationship will eventually fall down so to speak as a tripod cannot stand with any of the legs missing.

 

So far you have experience where you had one leg of the tripod - the sexual connection, but the other two were missing. Now you have two legs, but the sexual part is missing. These are all incompatibilities with a person you are with. Ultimately, a deep connection without sex is called a friend. You may love your friend dearly, but you can't really built a romantic life on just that.

 

Compatibility in the bedroom and emotional connection, love, caring - these are not mutually exclusive qualities. Long lasting healthy relationship have all the ingredients not a just a few. However, when you settle for less than that or swing between one extreme and another, that will get you exactly to where you are now - confused, frustrated, and not actually happy if you are willing to be completely honest with yourself.

 

A large part of maturity and growing up is also learning how to recognize and let go of someone who is not really right for you, even if they are right in many ways or right on paper. You learn to build your life on what is, rather than on romantic dreams of what could be if only I could make/fix/tweak this one or two things about this person and mold them into being what I need. You can't fix other people. They are not a broken down car.

 

Thank you for your reply, definitely going to keep that in mind.

[Sand12]

yea, that's basically the truth, thank you for your reply.

[limichelle]

It’s hard when you’re with someone that fits you so well but you don’t have the Physical sparks or part of it. You need that fire, that passion and lust. Even those who wait for marriage have some spark going in their kiss or the way they yearn for each other.

 

I think if anything you have a nice friend but you definitely need much more!