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Greetings. So, I've been through something I cant't really fix, or just can't find any solution, so I've thought I might should try write my problem down, and read other people opinions, so long story short - I'm at relationship with amazing person, she is kind, smart, gorgeous, and so much more, I trust her my life, I love her for sure. So we know each other since we were like 16 years old, now we early 20's, we been together as a couple year and a half, everything is just AMAZING, but one small (Maybe not that small) - sex. Since we became couple we haven't rushed physical things, we kept it cool and waited for perfect, romantic, well atleast that's what I thought, half a year ago, there were many romantic moments and stuff, but she never was intrested in that, and then I noticed that she a little bit different, she needs time, well I thought - It's okay, I'll wait, she just needs a bit sometime, and I was right, we had sex later after couple of months, but she really didn't enjoyed it, we had since like maximum 8 times, and its just basically was just for me, she saw that I want it so badly, that she even does it, even if she doesn't want for sure, and it makes me feel so bad, thinking that I'm doing something wrong and I'm bad at it, but it isin't my first partner which I had sex, before her I've been in relationship with other girl for almost 2 years, everything was pretty good, but she wasn't best person, but sex was just amazing, we both enjoyed it, much of the time she wanted more than me, even she usually would start just starting making me just so I would have sex with her, it's pretty hard to think that this used to happen ;D... I mean, I can't be that bad, if my previous ex used to beg me for sex? Of course we all are different, but it doesn't seem that perform bad at it, ex used to say all the time, that i please her, she loves the way I do, and what I do wrong, and what I should do more. I can't say that I'm ugly or unattractive, I'm very athletic guy, not that ugly, tall, friendly, nor abusive, a guy who may will have carrer - studying IT, at the same time being at military. Anyways back to my current partner, while we had sex, I always ask her what she did she like, what not, what should I do more, but all I get that she didn't enjoyed anything at all, I tried everytime something new, basically tried always turning her on, massages, kisses... much more... All she says, she just doesn't feel anything and that's why she doesn't like it, well at the start my ex didn't really feel anything, but she wanted to feel it, and she kept going, and always was on fire, always turned on to achieve it finnaly, even tho she didin't feelt anything, she still liked that we had our time, you know. But current, she is just asexual, I'm sorry if I sound very rude, or anything, I'm writing this from my duty, writing anything that gets on my mind. Yes, sex isn't most important thing, but it's the part of the relationship, so guys, I just want hear out your opinions, gonna respect them all, even the hate I'm gonna get. Peace!

P.S I'm sorry for my bad writing and basic vocabulary, not my native language :D

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Yes, her personality is one of the kind. I'm really feeling being loved and cared, sex isin't most important thing as I said previously, but as I said it has part in, and I want to fix, I want her to help start loving sex, tbh for now everything is just amazing, but this thing, that's why I want to fix, to make our relationship just like in some kinda fairy tale.

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Being asexual is more common then you would think. Personally, if I otherwise had a great relationship with someone, I wouldn't let it get in the way. While I'm sure sex would be a great thing to have a relationship, it not the only thing and not the most important thing. For me it's more important to have someone who cares for and understands me, who I can care for and understand in return. The emotional connection is what I would want from sex anyway and if I can get that in other ways, then I would be fine. But it's really about what you are want. Can you be content with what you have right now? Would no sex be something that would cause problems for you or lead to resentment? If you are fine with things, that's good. If you aren't, that's fine as well. You should both have what you need from a relationship.

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Were you her first? If not, what was her sex life with her previous partner?

 

If she wishes she enjoyed sex then imo she needs to seek medical advice/ explore what the problem might be with a professional who specializes in sexual issues. If she is asexual, then imo you two are incompatible and you need to break up. You may say that you are willing to overlook her asexuality but in reality this doesn't sound like something you can live with in the long-term. You are too young to give up on sex and getting it from others while staying in a relationship with her would probably become messy. Emotional connection is good but a healthy relationship needs both people to be on the same page regarding sex.

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Has she ever had sexual feelings? She seems willing to try things and wants those feelings. So maybe work with her on what it is she likes. If she's felt something in the past, try to recreate it.

 

You both sound like mature, reasonable people who are trying to help each other out and make it work. I hope things go well for you.

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Has she ever had sexual feelings? She seems willing to try things and wants those feelings. So maybe work with her on what it is she likes. If she's felt something in the past, try to recreate it.

 

You both sound like mature, reasonable people who are trying to help each other out and make it work. I hope things go well for you.

 

Yes she had, and I am really trying to, but I am scared that I might push her too much, thank you for your kind words ^^

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Sorry to hear that. How happy is she in the relationship? Do you have your own apartment and privacy? Does she want more commitment?

 

You can't fix her. It's up to her to understand and try to enjoy sex. Since you are too pushy and proceed when she is not aroused or ready, it will not work for her. She needs to be sufficiently aroused before you continue.

Having sex when she is not ready or when she's not happy isn't going to work.

 

You don't seem to be addressing. her comfort level or arousal level. You also don't seem to know how happy she is in the relationship. Instead, your focus is all about you. Your needs your looks your prior partners.

 

Once you start focusing on her instead of you and start listening to or understanding her, you may start to get to the bottom of the problem.

 

You don't know if she's "asexual" all you know is that you are in shape and what worked for your previous partner.. What you do know is that you continue for selfish reasons despite her clearly not being aroused.. by you and your limited experience.

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Actually some people really are asexual. My ex I was with for 1.5 years was asexual. I'm a bisexual woman and I was in a relationship with another woman. I was her first actual relationship and she had not much sexual experience, but she wasn't a virgin. I thought maybe she just needed time as well but she actually just wasn't interested in sex and speculated whether she was asexual. She said she never had sexual thoughts or feelings, didn't feel sexual about her body and didn't feel like masturbating or anything.

 

We had sex but it was the same thing as what you said. It seemed like my ex was really not into it and only doing it for me. It even seemed mechanical on her part. She really didn't seem to be enjoying anything I did to her either, even though she orgasmed. I actually ended the relationship for various reasons, but this was one of the reasons.

 

I think it's up to you if you want to date someone asexual/hardly interested in sex. I know the relationship itself is important but sex is actually also a very important part of it. Unless you are asexual yourself then why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want sex? Most people want it so you could be with any other person, who is also nice and sweet and loving. I personally wouldn't date someone asexual again because I'm very sexual and it made me feel so rejected and undesired.

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It probably the language barrier, but you can't diagnose someone as "asexual", just because she's inexperienced and not enjoying sex with you.

Yes she had, and I am really trying to, but I am scared that I might push her too much, thank you for your kind words ^^
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“ I mean, I can't be that bad, if my previous ex used to beg me for sex? ”

 

 

Your ex might have begged for sex to create a more emotional bond and feel wanted by you. Because she felt unwanted .

Often it has nothing to do with sex itself.

If your previous partner had to beg you for sex , what was wrong with the relationship that it wasn’t happening naturally?

 

And again it’s not happening naturally but role reversed?

 

I don’t think that makes you asexual. Does it?

Yet you are labelling this person as asexual? Why?

 

My best guess is that on paper you make a good partner but in practice she just is not attracted to you?

She is trying to succumb to the married, children, house with picket fence ,etc, but at the end of the day she is just not that into you!?

 

Is this a cultural thing? Like within your culture marriages are often arranged?

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“ I mean, I can't be that bad, if my previous ex used to beg me for sex? ”

 

 

Your ex might have begged for sex to create a more emotional bond and feel wanted by you. Because she felt unwanted .

Often it has nothing to do with sex itself.

If your previous partner had to beg you for sex , what was wrong with the relationship that it wasn’t happening naturally?

 

And again it’s not happening naturally but role reversed?

 

I don’t think that makes you asexual. Does it?

Yet you are labelling this person as asexual? Why?

 

My best guess is that on paper you make a good partner but in practice she just is not attracted to you?

She is trying to succumb to the married, children, house with picket fence ,etc, but at the end of the day she is just not that into you!?

 

Is this a cultural thing? Like within your culture marriages are often arranged?

 

There actually are people who are asexual for real. My ex was and she even said that about herself.

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What does she say when you ask her what she likes? Does she know what she likes? Have you tried oral on her or perhaps a vibrator? If you focused on her clitoris, it might be better for her?

 

She usually says, that doesn't matter since she doesn't feel anything, no, she doesn't really know. We haven't, becouse she is pretty shy, usually says she is shy with her body and stuff but for myself her body is sexy as hell, also she may still isin't comfortable with me, and no we haven't tried oral and vibrator, but it is one of my plans to do, ofc when she is going to be ready, I'm just going not rush things up. Yes tried focusing on clitoris.

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Sorry to hear that. How happy is she in the relationship? Do you have your own apartment and privacy? Does she want more commitment?

 

You can't fix her. It's up to her to understand and try to enjoy sex. Since you are too pushy and proceed when she is not aroused or ready, it will not work for her. She needs to be sufficiently aroused before you continue.

Having sex when she is not ready or when she's not happy isn't going to work.

 

You don't seem to be addressing. her comfort level or arousal level. You also don't seem to know how happy she is in the relationship. Instead, your focus is all about you. Your needs your looks your prior partners.

 

Once you start focusing on her instead of you and start listening to or understanding her, you may start to get to the bottom of the problem.

 

You don't know if she's "asexual" all you know is that you are in shape and what worked for your previous partner.. What you do know is that you continue for selfish reasons despite her clearly not being aroused.. by you and your limited experience.

 

well, I'm sure she is happy, she is one of those people what they think that's what they will say, if she wasn't happy, she would've told me, even would've left me, for her being happy in relationship is most important.

Yea, I think I may had focused on my feelings too much, I should try feel her more.

Yes, I understand we all are different, saying that she is aseaxual prolly to rush to say, I'm just confused and concerned without answers, if I don't understand something, I'm always trying to understand it, doesn't matter how long it's going to take.

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Actually some people really are asexual. My ex I was with for 1.5 years was asexual. I'm a bisexual woman and I was in a relationship with another woman. I was her first actual relationship and she had not much sexual experience, but she wasn't a virgin. I thought maybe she just needed time as well but she actually just wasn't interested in sex and speculated whether she was asexual. She said she never had sexual thoughts or feelings, didn't feel sexual about her body and didn't feel like masturbating or anything.

 

We had sex but it was the same thing as what you said. It seemed like my ex was really not into it and only doing it for me. It even seemed mechanical on her part. She really didn't seem to be enjoying anything I did to her either, even though she orgasmed. I actually ended the relationship for various reasons, but this was one of the reasons.

 

I think it's up to you if you want to date someone asexual/hardly interested in sex. I know the relationship itself is important but sex is actually also a very important part of it. Unless you are asexual yourself then why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want sex? Most people want it so you could be with any other person, who is also nice and sweet and loving. I personally wouldn't date someone asexual again because I'm very sexual and it made me feel so rejected and undesired.

 

Yea, sex is pretty important, but for myself more important is to be loved and cared.

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I wonder whether she might have suffered an earlier sexual assault or sexual abuse of some kind which is affecting her ability to enjoy sex. It would be a very tricky question to ask, but it's a possibility.

 

Well, somehow I just feel it is not the case, if she was abused, she wouldn't even wanted to try it out at first. But happens, who knows, it's one of the things that you might even wouldn't even want to tell thatfor partner

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Yes. "Asexual" is a label you are slapping on her because you too eager to satisfy yourself to wait until she is comfortable, aroused, wet, etc.

 

You haven't even tried oral or tried to pleasure her in any way.🤔

 

So it's unfair and incorrect to label someone " asexual" when so far it's been slam bam.

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