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I messed up and I need help


throwaway908
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This happened a few days ago and I feel awful about it.

 

Here’s my side of the story: We are both 18 and this is my first relationship. He just started school and I haven’t yet. We’ve been dating for nearly 7 months and it’s been great so far, until I messed up big time. A few days ago he was feeling sad/ angry because his mom yelled at him and said some hurtful things, and what’s worse is that she’s stubborn and he’ll never get an apology. He texted me saying that he was upset about it and how badly it affected him, and I tried my best to comfort him. After talking for a little while he had some work to do so I left him alone and we texted later again that night.

Here’s where I messed up: It was pretty late and he was still mad but he asked me if I wanted to come over the next day. Because of our homophobic and strict parents, I have to sneak over so I can only stay for a few hours, and now that he’s in school he would be in class and working the entire time. I said that I could, but I asked him if he was sure because I didn’t want to get in the way since he was so busy. He said he was fine with it but also said he still might not be calm, and told me that I could take a nap or something and eat his leftovers while he worked. At that point I felt even more scared that I was going to bother him because I felt like I wouldn’t really be doing anything if I did come over; I thought I would just annoy him even more. I could tell by the tone of the conversation that he was really mad, so I asked one more time if he was sure that he wanted me over. No response. I waited an hour but he didn’t respond so I said I thought he should have some space to calm down and I made up an excuse to not go (which I shouldn't have) and that I was going to sleep. The next day I check my phone to see that he texted me an hour after I fell asleep saying that by me being there he would have had comfort but “it’s fine I guess.” I offered to still come over, but he didn’t want me to. He asked me to give him space and right now I’m respecting that.

 

My question is, how should I talk about this with him and what can I change to make sure that this won’t happen again? I want him to know that I had no bad intentions and that I’m sorry that my actions ended up hurting him. Thinking back at it, I should’ve been there for him when he was at his worst and at the very least come over so I could give him a hug, but I got scared that he didn’t want me there. I should have just agreed to come over anyways, no questions asked. Or I should have given him more time to respond. At the time I didn’t realize that he needed me to be there with him, and now I feel awful that I wasn’t and probably made him feel even worse. He means so much to me and I want to properly show him that. I want to make it better.

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At that point I felt even more scared that I was going to bother him

 

I want to clarify what you mean when you say that you felt "scared"? Are you afraid of your boyfriend? Does he have anger issues or blow up at you when he's in a bad mood? Do you constantly feel as if you are walking on eggshells when around him?

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It's a lover's quarrel. Let the dust settle and let everyone calm down. Next time give straight yes or no answers and stick to it instead of changing your mind, thinking for him, making up excuses, etc. Yes or No.

We are both 18 and this is my first relationship Because of our homophobic and strict parents, I have to sneak over so I can only stay for a few hours, and now that he’s in school he would be in class and working the entire time.
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I'm not scared of him and he doesn't have anger issues. I'm more scared of the fact that I might not have the ability to emotionally support him/ not be enough for him

 

Okay, well I admit that I read your original post very differently. From the way it was written, it came across as that you were afraid to be around him, and would rather give him space so he could "calm down".

 

Anyways, if it's true that you feel that you may not be enough for your boyfriend, this is an issue you must address within yourself and has nothing to do with your boyfriend. If you constantly second-guess yourself and question if you are "enough", this is an issue to do with your own self-esteem. You determine your own self-worth, your value must come from within. To address your question: "what can I change to make sure that this won’t happen again?" the change starts with you. Work on yourself so that you will begin to value yourself in a positive light.

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You both had good intentions,he wanting to have you around and you not sure if given him space or not was the right call.

What strikes me here is how often you referred to how afraid you were to make the right decision, how afraid you are if you disappointed him and how afraid you'll be if you do it again.

First off, you did nothing wrong. Period. Your intention was in good place. Leave at that.

I'd be more concerned that your bf's bad mood might have something to do with the fact that you seem to be walking on eggs shells, afraid of any move you'll make. I think there's more to that, as well as you asking us how you should change more to be more accommodating.

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What does this mean, exactly?

 

I guess I believe that I might bother him if I make a decision without him clearly telling me what he needs. That I might actually make him feel worse if I don't make the decision he needed. I didn't think he wanted me to physically be there for him because he never really said that until later. That's why I asked him to make sure that he actually wanted me there. It isn't him, though; it's more of a self-esteem issue that I need to work on.

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He said for you to go over, so you should have gone rather than second guessing yourself. If you didn't want to go you should have said so.

 

I dont think you did anything wrong at all, he was in a bad mood due to his mother yelling at him, that has nothing to do with you. If you want to be with someone, do it. Dont be so wishy washy.

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It isn't him, though; it's more of a self-esteem issue that I need to work on.

 

While you seem very selfless and overthinking every nuance of this exchange, I think you are onto something being amiss with your self esteem.

When you come from a place of balance and confidence, making the decision to compassionately give your guy guy some space, based on all the information you were given wouldn't rock you like this.

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Honesty is the best policy. This was a misunderstanding on how best to deal with his problem. You felt he should have space, he needed someone there. Neither side was wrong. So be honest about how you felt. Let him know that he seemed really angry and that you were afraid you would be in the way or make things worse. Let him know that you are sorry for not coming over but that you are here for him and want to help him though things. Once he calms down, I'm sure he will see that you only wanted the best for him.

 

Has he considered moving away from home? If his parents are causing him to be this angry, maybe it's not a good idea for him to be there. He's old enough to be on his own, plus you wouldn't have to be sneaking over.

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Has he considered moving away from home? If his parents are causing him to be this angry, maybe it's not a good idea for him to be there. He's old enough to be on his own, plus you wouldn't have to be sneaking over.

He never talked about moving away. But unfortunately he can't afford to be own his own as he needs the money for college.

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I don't blame you for not wanting to be around an angry person. You are no one's punching bag and if your partner is having a bad day there's a difference between being there for that person and being in the line of fire.

 

Why on earth would you want to eat his "leftovers" or take a nap in someone else's bed in the first place? This seems silly and uncomfortable to me and not very appealing regarding the food. I don't think your partner is thinking of your best interests either. The whole proposal is ridiculous. He should calm down, gather himself, self-soothe and meet you on a different day.

 

I think your instincts on the situation and not going over are fine. Please have more self-confidence in yourself and don't let people push you around unnecessarily. I don't think you should have made up excuses however.

 

Next time be clearer while being tactful and tell him that you'd rather see him on a day that's better for both of you. He is welcome to give you a call if he wants to talk after he's finished his work but please do not sink to eating someone's leftovers or napping in someone else's bed. This is not quality time in a relationship and it's not healthy for you.

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This is what you do....have a discussion about communication. What has to stop is this passive aggressive, you should just know bull crap. He should have told you straight out, that he just needed to feel supported, even if it's just you hanging out together. You should have expressed your feelings about your uncertainty, not feeling comfortable about being in his space while he was still angry....that is how it works. So have an agreement that if either of you have something on your mind, have a question, or need something from the other, that speaking honestly is the course of action that will be taken.

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