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Think I might be overthinking...


Rb1980
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Hey!

You guys have all been legends with past advice so am hoping for a little more.

 

You will notice from my most recent post I was questioning why my GF wanted to go slower plus her meeting up with an ex.

 

After we had a good chat she saw how it all looked to me and called off meeting up as she didn't want to cause any upset or difficulty.

 

As it stands she still wants us to take things slow. I'm totally respectful of that and don't want to pressure her.

 

At the start of our relationship things were a little quick, she stayed over on our first date, I stayed at hers a week or two later. She was saying how she was so pleased to have found someone that is willing to accept her for who she is and how she has 3 kids (2 of which have learning difficulties/autism)

It was shortly after that that she said to slow down and those moves she made at the start were too soon. She was worried how her kids would find it having a man in the house, worried that she was rushing into things and worried about getting hurt. All totally understandable.

 

I've stayed as true to me as possible, supporting her where I can, offering advice , and just being a loyal partner.

 

The slowing down of things bothers me a little as it allows my mind to wander. I start to doubt her feelings for me and as a result I refer to the slower pace too much in our conversations. It's almost as if I want a reassurance from her, which in turn annoys her more.

Sometimes I try to call her and she doesn't pick up. No problem, but then she's online and on WhatsApp so it makes me think why won't she pick up for me, which again makes me over analyse what she feels.

 

I know she is more than entitled to do whatever she wishes , have her own time, focus on her kids etc etc but when it goes from 100kph to 1kph it makes me question stuff! And it's this questioning that makes me go into a negative spiral.

We have in a relationship for about 2 -3 months.

I guess for me it's the change. If it went the other way, it would be cool but with it going the opposite, it makes me doubt, question and analyse!

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She needs to take things slow for her kids' sake. Rushing a man into their home is a terrible idea.

 

Stop questioning her. You have to respect that she's a mother and that maybe she's trying to make up for shoving a man at her kids way too soon. If you can't handle her putting the well being of her kids first, maybe it's not a good idea for you to be dating a mother.

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Sorry, yes everyone was very helpful but it turned into more of a discussion about her meeting up with the ex and his son.

Now that I have moved on from that I just wanted to know people's viewpoints of whether I'm in the wrong or misjudging the situation etc

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Thanks, totally see your point.

 

I know she wants it all perfect for her kids which I totally understand and respect. I guess I just found the slowdown very abrupt so it made me doubt things a little. If it had been a gradual change maybe I wouldn't have thought so much about it

She was even asking her kids in those initial days if they liked me staying to which they all said yes!

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Yeah, my brother's kids all told him they liked his soon to be ex wife when they were dating. Then when they ended up divorcing he found out the truth, that they didn't really like her all that much.

 

See, kids can tell when their parents want them to answer a certain way. They could see Mom wanted you to stay over, so they answered in a way they thought she wanted them to.

 

It's still a bad idea. And kids don't have enough insight or maturity to know that it's a bad idea to have a man over so soon.

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It slowed from 100 kph to 1? If it truly feels this way for you I think there's something wrong but wait for a couple of weeks and see where you're at from there. People can get cold feet after jumping head first into something and maybe she's feeling nervous and insecure. I think she's pushing you away for a reason and I'd be on the look out for someone who has tendencies to go hot and cold and aren't stable or level-headed enough to be consistent for a long(er) term or monogamous relationship. This isn't fair to you and it's a red flag about her and her stability or what she can cope with at this time.

 

I don't think you should have to question her about what 'slowing down' means. If she's not wanting to respond to you as quickly as before or talk as often, I think the writing's on the wall or it's obvious she's not quite as into you as you are into her right now.

 

Along the same lines also, I don't think you should be offering her any support or advice on ongoing, past, upcoming issues in her life. It's way too early for this. If you have a pattern of jumping in and wanting to coddle or fix a partner's problems, try and check yourself every time you feel you want to jump in. Sometimes people just want to talk for the sake of talking or vent. They don't need your advice. I wonder if you are over-investing in this a bit too early. Step back and enjoy going out with friends and staying in touch with family members too.

 

Also remember that if someone isn't as into you right away, that's fine. You just need to acknowledge what the right pace is for you. 1 kph is a bit unreasonable if you ask me and if you feel she's openly ignoring you, I think you should trust your instincts more.

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There are many problems with starting off dating hot and fast. You are kind of learning the hard way why that is.

 

It could be that it's the old what burns hot, burns out fast. However, I do think it's very encouraging that you were able to discuss the meeting up with an ex thing and that she saw it's not a good look and acted in the interested of her relationship with you rather than proceeding with her original plans. So that's a good sign.

 

Other than that, a lot of your anxiety probably stems from rushing into what feels like an instant relationship, but yet you don't know each other enough to judge anything accurately - what she does with her free time, how she manages her life and kids, etc. You simply don't know her, so you too OP need slow down and just start paying more attention. It could be that she loosing interest or that she simply wants to unplug a bit and peruse whatever apps she is on, chat with her friends, etc., as she should. Just because she is available, doesn't mean she has to rush to give attention or respond to you immediately. Ultimately, a good time for you to think on how much communication you need at minimum to feel comfortable and connected and see if you two can again talk and come up with something that works for the both of you well.

 

Basically, what you had at first is a rush, a high of that instant click and going 1000 mph. What you are suffering now is a kind of withdrawal as the relationship is possibly stabilizing to a more normal pace, which may well feel to you like crawling at 1 mph by comparison. So the question to ask yourself is maybe this - do you want a stable, long term relationship or just the high of the initial click/being aggressively wanted? If you are looking for long term then chill out and see what happens. Again, focus on actually learning who she is as a person and a whole lot less on your anxieties. It's not on her to soothe and reassure you, that's on you to get a grip on yourself.

 

Bottom line though is that this is why we date and don't rush off with the first stranger we think we click with. You don't know who they really are, what issues they bring to the table and how things will be down the road. This is kind of a crossroads for you where you either relax and invest more of your energy into getting to know them as a person instead of just looking for that feel good high or you start looking for your next high with someone else.

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Ok, just go at a saner pace. She has her hands full with her kids and that has to come first.

 

How are your kids and thier mother doing? Did you work something out with custody?

 

Sometimes hot and heavy novelty acts as a distraction and relief from problems, but like any shot in the arm, the effect wears off.

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Thanks all

 

Yes my issues with the ex regarding childcare are all good. No problems there.

I think dancing fool has got it right, the initial rush was a feeling I enjoyed as it showed me that someone really wanted me. When it slowed, rather than appreciate reasons for it needing to slow I just perceived it as a loss of interest.

She has her kids, she is restarting her career, 2 of her kids are just starting school plus she has her M.E to deal with. So in reality it should be clear to me that not a lot of her energy can be focussed on me.

At present we see each other maybe once a week due to me working. This is often her visiting mine with her kids in tow. She stays for a few hours then goes. I think it's the me wanting more than this but not accepting it's not always possible is what makes my mind run off with negative thoughts. This type of situation in a relationship is new to me.

 

When I spoke about it with her she replied, "look what happened in my past relationships, I rushed into my first ever one and ended up married and my last one didn't work because it went too quick."

So I asked , is she wanting it to go slow in order to make it work and she said, "exactly that"

So I can see reasoning in the behaviour and I do respect it, for me though it sometimes feels like ultimately she can't be bothered with putting effort in at all.

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All you can really do is give it some more time and see what happens.

 

There is a reason why things that start off with a bang often don't pan out, and it's because people usually aren't diving in for the right reasons (hormones getting the best of them, filling a void, and so on). However, she hasn't called it off. It sounds like she really needed to reassess how fast everything was going and pump the brakes. And now her behaviour is reflecting her desire to slow down.

 

If you find that she continues dodging calls and grows increasingly distant, then yes, I would assume she's had a change of heart. See how the next few weeks go and then re-evaluate if you two need to have another conversation.

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Yeah kind of what I was thinking.

I told her that I was concerned all my efforts at making it work would be for nothing as she didn't seem to reciprocate in any way.

She told me not to worry and that all would be totally fine, and that she just wanted to keep things slow as she didn't want to take things fast, have it all go wrong and then have her kids wondering why some guy appeared and then vanished from their lives.

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Not liver disease and the two children aren't classed as disabled. It's autism.

I'm not wondering why she is so busy. I totally understand why she is so busy, I've witnessed it first hand and am totally sympathetic to that.

It was moreso that at the start it was all good. spending time with each other, and much more like a relationahip now where she has said let's go slow, it's like it's come to a halt

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He didn't sleep over, she said how she realised it wouldn't have been right.

I'm a little worried about it but not as much as I was before.

When I spoke with her about it she said if I saw them together you would see there is nothing there like that between them. She also stated how she just knows nothing would ever happen with them that way as it would jeopardize the friendship. She also found him to much of a workaholic, too strict on his kid and they clashed too much.

 

So yes it niggles a little but not like it did

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I told her that I was concerned all my efforts at making it work would be for nothing as she didn't seem to reciprocate in any way.

 

Well, that is concerning.

 

Can you elaborate on what you mean? For example, is it always you reaching out? Scheduling dates? How often do you two see each other now, and how often do you communicate in between dates?

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