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Codependency- I think I've realised what's wrong with me


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That's how I often feel with my parents. Although my mother has been there for me, I often feel like I have to get her to take care of herself. My issues were more with my (now deceased) father. But it's amazing how our relationships with our parents can shape our relationships with everyone else, even years later.

 

Talk it over in counselling and try to not let it get you down. You're not responsible for your mother's behavior. Keep focusing on yourself and moving forward. You're doing great.

 

Thanks Fenix

 

Feeling better this morning. I have my first full counselling session tonight at 7 which I'm looking forward to. It's very difficult with my mother, but I'm trying to at least put some distance between myself and her. At least she doesn't live near by (about an hour and half away).

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I just want to say I think it's admirable that you opened up here online and are taking some concrete steps to move past the grief. You have no doubt been through some tough struggles.

 

You are going to be stronger every day that you work on yourself, so keep moving forward every day.

 

Pretty soon, the women will start noticing you and being attracted to you .....simply because you have gained inner confidence and that will start showing on the outside.

Perhaps weight has some affect on your outward appearance, but it's mainly what your outward confidence is the key trait women and others will notice above all else.

 

I wish you well on your journey!

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I just want to say I think it's admirable that you opened up here online and are taking some concrete steps to move past the grief. You have no doubt been through some tough struggles.

 

You are going to be stronger every day that you work on yourself, so keep moving forward every day.

 

Pretty soon, the women will start noticing you and being attracted to you .....simply because you have gained inner confidence and that will start showing on the outside.

Perhaps weight has some affect on your outward appearance, but it's mainly what your outward confidence is the key trait women and others will notice above all else.

 

I wish you well on your journey!

 

Thank you for this, it means a lot.

 

I am feeling positive about these new steps forward. My counselling sessions was really good tonight, and I can see us moving forward. She has made me realise the large amount of loss I've had in my life, and that it's ok to feel like I do. She's going to be working on dealing with my codependency and building my confidence.

 

A new start!

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Great update, Dalesboy! It's good to see you again.

 

How are you doing health wise and the weight loss?

 

Thanks SherrySher

 

Good to see you again too! Did an update in the health section, not been great and I’ve put a lot of weight on, however the doctors have sorted my medication out and I’m around 15 pound down from where I was a month ago.

 

Steps in the right direction.

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No worries, Dale..sometimes it's like that..2 steps forward, 1 step back. The main thing is, that you never give up and that you keep trying to get back on track.

Which you are and that's an awesome thing.

 

You've got a very strong spirit who never gives up. I hope you realize your value and your worth and keep moving forward. You might have good days and bad days (Like the rest of us), but you're a great person and can achieve great things, as long as you don't stop trying.

 

It's good to see that you're receiving therapy as well. It will help, a lot. It will bring you to a better place where you'll feel more confident and healed.

In time, I hope that you will feel good enough about yourself and know what you want, that you will be able to consider dating again.

 

You've got a lot of life yet ahead of you and I know it can be good.

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No worries, Dale..sometimes it's like that..2 steps forward, 1 step back. The main thing is, that you never give up and that you keep trying to get back on track.

Which you are and that's an awesome thing.

 

You've got a very strong spirit who never gives up. I hope you realize your value and your worth and keep moving forward. You might have good days and bad days (Like the rest of us), but you're a great person and can achieve great things, as long as you don't stop trying.

 

It's good to see that you're receiving therapy as well. It will help, a lot. It will bring you to a better place where you'll feel more confident and healed.

In time, I hope that you will feel good enough about yourself and know what you want, that you will be able to consider dating again.

 

You've got a lot of life yet ahead of you and I know it can be good.

 

Thanks SherrySher!

 

Well, I have been on a couple of dates. Someone messaged me just before lock down, we went on two dates but it fizzled out. Then a month ago I was messaged by a nice women, we had some lovely chats online and met up for a drink. It was really nice, but I didn't feel anything romantic. We've kept texting but I think it's fizzled out, shame in one sense as I could have seen a friendship.

 

After last night's counselling session, I actively joined match.com and have sent a few messages out, possibly wasn't the wisest thing as I've felt despondent I've not heard back from any. That's life though, and to be honest, if you see no physical interest in someone who messages you, there probably is little point engaging in conversation.

 

It's started eating away at me this morning, that little voice inside saying 'you're unattractive, no wonder they haven't replied'. Just need to keep it in check, and keep holding my head up high.

Edited by Dalesboy
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It's started eating away at me this morning, that little voice inside saying 'you're unattractive, no wonder they haven't replied'. Just need to keep it in check, and keep holding my head up high.

 

Sometimes we are worse to ourselves than our own worst enemies.

 

You're right to check yourself. You have to actively protect your self esteem.

 

I keep posting this video on this site--ironic because when it first popped up on my queue, I refused to watch it based on it's title.

 

But I finally did watch it, and I'm glad I did. Maybe watching it will give you a little patience and fortitude.

 

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Sometimes we are worse to ourselves than our own worst enemies.

 

You have to actively protect your self esteem.

 

I keep posting this video on this site--ironic because when it first popped up on my queue, I refused to watch it based on it's title.

 

But I finally did watch it, and I'm glad I did. Maybe watching it will give you a little patience and fortitude.

 

 

Thanks Jibralta, I'll have a watch now over lunch.

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Don't feel bad, Dalesboy. The world is a crazy place right now and people have all sorts of reasons for not replying. It might not have anything to do with you at all.

They may be ready to look at profiles, but not ready quite yet to reply to messages. They may be having difficulties elsewhere in their life and aren't sure if they are ready for a relationship, etc.

 

Many times, we think it's us, when in reality most people have their own troubles and their own worries and it's got nothing to do with us.

 

With Covid going on, it only complicates things further. Lots aren't comfortable meeting up and therefore find it useless to reply when they know they won't want to meet right now.

 

Try not to be so hard on yourself. I've seen your picture, you're a good looking man. I would tell you if you weren't. Give it time, it's not easy to find the right one. It took me over 10 years of being on my own before I found my husband. And many many disappointments before that.

 

Give it time, be patient and stop beating yourself up so much. You're a good guy with lots to offer someone. Don't forget that.

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Don't feel bad, Dalesboy. The world is a crazy place right now and people have all sorts of reasons for not replying. It might not have anything to do with you at all.

They may be ready to look at profiles, but not ready quite yet to reply to messages. They may be having difficulties elsewhere in their life and aren't sure if they are ready for a relationship, etc.

 

Many times, we think it's us, when in reality most people have their own troubles and their own worries and it's got nothing to do with us.

 

With Covid going on, it only complicates things further. Lots aren't comfortable meeting up and therefore find it useless to reply when they know they won't want to meet right now.

 

Try not to be so hard on yourself. I've seen your picture, you're a good looking man. I would tell you if you weren't. Give it time, it's not easy to find the right one. It took me over 10 years of being on my own before I found my husband. And many many disappointments before that.

 

Give it time, be patient and stop beating yourself up so much. You're a good guy with lots to offer someone. Don't forget that.

 

 

 

Thank you for that SherrySher, that means a lot. The border collie and I went on a long walk tonight, and it's done us both the world of good and really helped to clear my mind.

 

You are right regarding replies. I sent a few out and really tried to make each message personal, and referred to things on their profile, I hate generic replies. For those interested, this is the profile picture I went with, I'm a bit bigger now that I was here (taken a year ago), but not massively. Thought it was worth using one with the dog in shot. :tongue:

 

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This is the write up about myself I've used, how do you think it sounds? I have tried to be as honest as I can be I think.

 

I'm an outdoor loving guy who enjoys nothing more than getting out fell walking with my Border Collie, Lass in the beautiful Yorkshire Dales, which I am lucky enough to call home. For two years, I cared for my late father and although I miss him, I know it's my time now.

 

I do like a good laugh, I think a sense of humour is really important in any relationship. Maybe this is slightly old fashioned , but I'm a bit of a romantic and if I am with someone, I want to make them feel special. I'm a caring person, and generally like to make people smile and hopefully brighten their day a little.

 

Love nights in by the fire, meals out at cosy pubs, trips to the cinema etc. I love nothing more than getting out in the dales every evening with Lass, and feeling free in the great outdoors.

 

So that's me! Hope to meet someone, who shares similar interests and see where our adventure takes us.

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Really great picture and write up!!

 

Someone will respond at some point that is the right one for you. Those that haven't replied are probably doing you a favor, because they aren't the right ones.

 

Give it time. You've got a really lovely write up.

 

Thanks!

It amazes me how many on these sites write little to nothing about themselves, shame as it’s what I like to use as reference when messaging.

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It's very difficult with my mother, but I'm trying to at least put some distance between myself and her. At least she doesn't live near by (about an hour and half away).

 

Yes, it helps when you have some distance. Guess I'm lucky we're on opposite sides of the country. :D

 

That's a great write up. Anyone passing you up is missing out. And that smart one that does respond, she'll be the lucky one.

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Many times, we think it's us, when in reality most people have their own troubles and their own worries and it's got nothing to do with us.

 

Exactly! This is something I have to keep reminding myself when things go wrong. But often people's words and actions are more about them then they are about us. People become so wrapped up in their own bubbles and dealing with their own issues, that they don't see how their actions affect someone else. It's good to learn to not take things too personally. As long as you know in your heart that you are a good person and are trying to be the best you that you can be, what other's do/do not do isn't that important.

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That's a great write up. Anyone passing you up is missing out. And that smart one that does respond, she'll be the lucky one.

 

Thank you! Well, I'm going to leave the dating sites alone and not check in today, not healthy keep checking in. If anyone messages I'll get an email at least.

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Evening guys. Sorry to post again, just felt I hit a bit of a downer tonight.

 

I’ve logged out of the dating apps. Now I understand we have preferences, possibly due to my battles with my own weight, I admit I’m not particularly attracted to larger women. My issue not theirs.

 

I was looking at one women’s profile, seemed very nice and then looked at what they were looking for. Under weight it said 12st 8pounds to 12st 10pounds.

 

I literally felt a physical pain through me reading that. One, that I’m so far off that but also, such a narrow margin.....how depressing and shallow we are (me included).

 

Not proud to say it, i cried in bed this evening. Poor dog wondered what was wrong.

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Yes, but this is something you can strive towards. It's not like a permanent condition that you have zero control over. You CAN get to your goal weight if you truly wanted to.

 

The thing is though, when you are focusing on losing the weight, you need to do it for yourself and for your health and not to please someone else. You will never be totally happy if you live your life only to make someone else happy.

 

Do YOU want to lose the weight for yourself and no one else? Do YOU want to be smaller and be more healthy?

 

If you truly want it, you can achieve it. Instead of focusing on crying and being upset and all the disappointments and hardships, change your focus, and change the direction of your life.

Put all that energy into exercising, going for long walks with your dog, working out, eating healthy. Make a list of what you want to achieve each day and stick to it!

 

A list such as 1.) Eat a healthy breakfast 2.) Take the dog for an hour walk 3.) Listen to music that motivates me or cheers me up 4.) Eat a healthy lunch....and so on.

 

You're in control of your life. You are the one who dictates what the next chapter is going to look like, no one else.

 

If you want it to be different, then make those changes.

Edited by SherrySher
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Just a bit of a low point last night.

 

Feeling better today. I'm trying to employ distraction technique's so that when the self loathing and despair start to rise up, I grab a book or do something to distract me. It's helped this morning far more than I thought. I'm also giving the dating site's a miss for a few days.

 

Planning to get out again this evening for a good walk with dog. They've been really good the last few nights.

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I was looking at one women’s profile, seemed very nice and then looked at what they were looking for. Under weight it said 12st 8pounds to 12st 10pounds.

 

I literally felt a physical pain through me reading that. One, that I’m so far off that but also, such a narrow margin.....how depressing and shallow we are (me included).

 

If a person is going to be that specific about something physical, that's not probably someone you want to be with. Think that says a lot about her and her issues. Yes, that level of shallowness is sad and far too common. But don't let it get you down. You're loosing the weight for you, not to make some random person happy or meet their impossible to meet standards. And you're doing great.

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What kind of dog do you have? Have you had it for long? I miss my shepherd.

 

She's a blue merle border collie. She turns 9 in October but is no different than she was 5 years ago! Her name is Lass, and is truly my best friend. I know I put far too much emotion on her, but she's my only companion.

 

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